Communion opt-out for 8 year old.

apsalar

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some advice from other parents out there.

Our son is going into second class this September and we are worried about opting him out of communion classes/ communion sacrament.

We moved schools/ counties last September from a Catholic school with a large percentage on non-Catholic families to a new, smaller more close-knit school in a predominantly Catholic neighbourhood. Most children in this school will take part in the Communion mass and will probably go the route of large, expensive dresses etec..judging by this year's ceremony. We are both from Catholic backgrounds (mine stricter and more involved than the daddy) but are both in agreement that it would be hypocritical to get involved in the mas when neither of us has set foot in church in years. We are also agreed that had we been practising Catholics, the trend to loud clothing and expensive gifts for what we feel should be a more intimate ceremony of faith is not something we want as an example of religious faith for our children.

We want the decision to be our son's but are wondering what an 8 year old could possibly decide other than joining in with all his friends? We want to teach him to stand up for his beliefs ( or lack of in this case) but don't want him ostracised or made fun of. We do not yet know how the school deals with non-Catholics but will make an appointment to see the principle next week. Our son is baptised but we never took it further and he goes to mass with his grandparents on occasion. We are very worried that coupled with him being the new boy, this may lead to him feeling left out or "other".

If any other parents have any advice, it would be appreciated.

silly

apsalar wrote: »

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some advice from other parents out there.

Our son is going into second class this September and we are worried about opting him out of communion classes/ communion sacrament.

We moved schools/ counties last September from a Catholic school with a large percentage on non-Catholic families to a new, smaller more close-knit school in a predominantly Catholic neighbourhood. Most children in this school will take part in the Communion mass and will probably go the route of large, expensive dresses etec..judging by this year's ceremony. We are both from Catholic backgrounds (mine stricter and more involved than the daddy) but are both in agreement that it would be hypocritical to get involved in the mas when neither of us has set foot in church in years. We are also agreed that had we been practising Catholics, the trend to loud clothing and expensive gifts for what we feel should be a more intimate ceremony of faith is not something we want as an example of religious faith for our children.

We want the decision to be our son's but are wondering what an 8 year old could possibly decide other than joining in with all his friends? We want to teach him to stand up for his beliefs ( or lack of in this case) but don't want him ostracised or made fun of. We do not yet know how the school deals with non-Catholics but will make an appointment to see the principle next week. Our son is baptised but we never took it further and he goes to mass with his grandparents on occasion. We are very worried that coupled with him being the new boy, this may lead to him feeling left out or "other".

If any other parents have any advice, it would be appreciated.

tbh, I would let him get the communion if its what he wants (no harm in asking him). You have said that ye are both catholics - so i'm not sure why ye wouldnt want him to receive communion.

When it comes to the day, its as big or as small as you make it. sor my daughters communion a few years ago, i bought her dress online and we went back home after the church for something to eat, it was not fancy and it was not expensive. I bought a few garden games for her to play with her cousins. everyone brought a dish. It was a good day. and I did the same for her confirmation this year.

so, I wouldnt let the cost be a factor in your decision making.
If you are not anti-church and totally against the idea of communion etc, then I really can't understand why you would not let him have his communion if you think that there is a possibility that he will feel left out by his new class mates. (this might not happen though, in my daughters class there is a girl who is not catholic, but was present on both the communion and confirmation just like everyone else in the class)

apsalar

Thanks for the reply Silly (your name)

We cannot say we are Catholic anymore, hence our problem with the hypocrisy of going through the sacrament for us. It is his faith as opposed to ours, but we would not be following through with instruction, mass attendance and are not in agreement with many doctrines of the church, so we feel like it would almost be "lying" just so he fits in. Perhaps we are making this bigger than it is and you may well be right in that there is no real harm being done. I do feel that it is a bit disrepectful to partake in a religious ceremony under like that but I suppose he wouldn't be the first or last.

iguana

Should it happen that my child is in a class where a lot/the majority of the children are making their communion I plan on organising something fun to do on the communion weekend. Funds allowing I'd go somewhere like Eurodisney for a long weekend as the school days preceding and following the communion will be spent almost entirely on communion related events.

Very few children would prefer to make their communion than go hang out with Mickey Mouse at a funfair.

ash23

I was in a similar position. My daughter wanted to make her communion though and I had to weigh up how strongly I felt about it as opposed to how she felt about it.
I decided to let her make it.

I avoided the whole "show" factor of it by borrowing a dress and inviting immediate family only over to the house. Didn't do anything major for it. No big spread, no bouncy castle etc. Just a usual weekend with the family. We went bowling. That was about the extent of it.
She got cards and gifts but she never knew how much she got as I kept track of it all. All she wanted to buy was a trampoline which she got (she had no idea how much it cost) and the rest went into savings and has been dipped into for holiday money/camp etc.
So there was no crass "how much did you get" competition. Well, not from her anyway!

planetX

iguana wrote: »

Should it happen that my child is in a class where a lot/the majority of the children are making their communion I plan on organising something fun to do on the communion weekend. Funds allowing I'd go somewhere like Eurodisney for a long weekend as the school days preceding and following the communion will be spent almost entirely on communion related events.

Very few children would prefer to make their communion than go hang out with Mickey Mouse at a funfair.

Problem with that is that it's not just before it - they spend the whole year preparing for the communion - hours and hours and hours of class time, plus multiple trips to church, priest calling in to school etc.
My son made his, I didn't care one way or the other. I did care that he would be excluded from such a large amount of class time, I care hugely that religious instruction is included in class time - but that's a battle to be fought by parents, and I wasn't going to use my child as a pawn in that. So he made his, he knows Mum doesn't believe but that he can make up his own mind about what he believes, grannies were happy, and he got a wad of cash. Confirmation won't be happening as my son has now confirmed he doesn't believe most of what he's being taught:)

If the catholic church wants sincere sacraments they should withdraw these from the schools and let families come to them.

edellc

I like most Irish people had no choice when we where 6mths old and was forced into the catholic religion, years later I studied a lot about religion and realised its not for me, I do not believe in their teachings, so I opted out and got my name taken off the register.

I now have a little boy and decided against christening him as an atheist I want him to make his own choices in life I do think that 8 is a bit young to be making such a life changing decision....most kids these days make their communion and confirmation for the clothes and money aspect, I think the religion aspect of it falls by the waist side tbh

I desperatly want my son to go to a non dom school but know that the reality of that happening is low, so I have prepared myself and will be planning a very special weekend away when the communion is happening in school.

OP I understand your delima with you child however if you choose to christen him then I really dont see why its a big deal about the communion, clearly you where able to stand in a church and say you believe in a god and denounce the devil :rolleyes: and have your childs sins taken away, so ask your son if he wants to do it and if so then so what its not as if its about religion theses days anyway

ElleEm

OP, myself and all my siblings went to a Catholic school but I am not Catholic.
When it came around to Communion time, my parents just explained to me that Catholics have these services, and not us. It just made sense to me as it made sense to them. Stand by your convictions and when you tell your son this is how it's gonna be, do it firmly. Like "it would be silly to do it cos that's not what our family do" kinda thing.

Maybe, as another poster suggested, take your son away for a night or two, or have a little family party all in honour of him around the time so he's not too jealous of his classmates getting new stuff. In all honesty, that will be the only thing that bothers him.

katy67

Hi, l can understand how you are feeling about the whole thing.
We are catholics but we rarely go to mass

Last year our boy had a holy communion but l felt like because we don't go to mass, we shouldn't let him have the communion, even my mother said it as well. So l asked my son and he wanted to do it
We didn't buy the communion suit like most of his friends did as it was too expensive and waste of money as he never wear it again. Just got him pair of pant and jacket that he could wear again.
The communty hall provided food and drinks after mass.
We hired out a bouncy castle and had games for the kids, that evening, had dinner and drinks for everybody.
I was glad we did it because our boy wanted it and it was his day regardless of what we were feeling about it.

Ask your son because it is his decision on what he wants to do. If he choose holy communion, then go with it. You don't have to buy expensive clothes, go to resturants, etc.
I would worry that of how you are feeling about it and if you decide not to let him have it and since he's the new boy, he may feel left out, teased or picked on. He might blame you and not be happy with you either

Let him have the choice

silly

planetX wrote: »

If the catholic church wants sincere sacraments they should withdraw these from the schools and let families come to them.

Afaik, this will be coming into affect in a few years. Communion and confirmation will be done through the church instead of the school.

pickarooney

apsalar wrote: »

We want to teach him to stand up for his beliefs ( or lack of in this case)

Your beliefs, you mean? Have you ever discussed and aspects of the religion with him or asked his opinion? He should be old enough to understand that if he's not interested in the whole Catholic thing there's no point in participating in one of its rites.

Big Bag of Chips

You say you are "worried about him opting out" - what exactly do you mean by that?

Are you worried he is going to make the choice himself not to make his communion? or are you worried that YOU don't really want him to, but think he might want to?

[Edit: Sorry, just re-read your post and I misread, I see you say "opting him out" rather than "him opting out"!]

On this point...

edellc wrote: »

most kids these days make their communion and confirmation for the clothes and money aspect, I think the religion aspect of it falls by the waist side tbh

I am mid thirties, and even going back as far as I made both my communion and confirmation, I can guarantee you, yes - it was about picking my clothes for the day, and even wondering if I'd get much money... but I remember being very "into" and respectful of the religious aspect of it. So much so, that an elderly couple I met while having our dinner asked me to say 3 Hail Mary's for them, and I did so for years (whenever I remembered to say prayers!)

As an adult I can now question and doubt certain things. But as a child, I believed fully in everything I was told. It didn't scar me irreperably for life. It didn't turn me into something/someone weird. It did good in that it taught me to be kind, and thoughtful, and sorry if I did something wrong etc.

I don't agree with alot of the goings on of the church - but I still have a faith of sorts, and like to think that loved ones who have died are looking over us somehow, and keeping an eye!

If your son has been baptised, is in a catholic school and takes part in religion classes without too much fuss or questioning, then why not allow him to have his day. It is after all, as others have mentioned, your son's day. You have mentioned that you and your husband would feel hypocritical, but do you think your son would? Would he even grasp what that is?!

I know what people say about him being 8 and having a grasp of it and sitting down to discuss whether or not he wants to.. but at the same time he is only 8. So while you can ask him if he'd like to make his communion, my guess would be that he'd probably question why on earth he wouldn't make it!

What is the harm in allowing him to make it (like we all did as kids!) and then as he gets older he can question what he wants to and decide himself (like most of us do as adults!)

After all - you're hardly going to sit down with him at the end of November and have a chat about Santy!

apsalar

Thanks for all the responses...still undecided but glad to know there are others in a similar position.

Just to clarify: Getting him christened was something I did reluctantly and it was a private ceremony by a priest family member ( I did not want to go into church). With hindsight I really should have by-passed the baptism but I admit I was at the time still thinking of myself as Catholic, albeit non-practising and thought it would be better in the long run. Turns out I really shouldn't have as I am now decidedly non-religious and my others have not been baptised. I used to be very religious and it took quite a long path to get where I/ we are today.

We have discussed many aspects of stories in the Old Testament (which he seems to pick up from school or grandparents) and I take great pains to explain the probable root of the stories using logic and science, at least as much as he understands. It was great fun doing the the first few chapters in Genesis as biology is my training and we used the internet a lot to show evolution and he now knows what primates are. The stories are fun though, and I can understand how the stories themselves appeal to young children. they certainly did to me at the time.

The reason he is in a Catholic school is that is what was available at the time. Also, he is in a gaelscoil, and there were none with a place available to us when we moved that do not have a Catholic ethos. It was either pull him out and hope to find a place in an Educate Togethor or keep him in an environment with the Irish language.

I am still worried about making him feel different if we don't let him go through with it but I guess that's what teaching him self-confidence and awareness is for. Should we talk to him and he really prefers to go through with it we may take up the low-key suggestions put forward. I am not sure yet. It's food for thought.

edellc

Best of luck with it all OP I can only imagine how hard a decision it must be for you, I am just thankful my family are not religious and as for the OH well his family are and I find it really difficult to explain to them what an atheist is because they keep referring to me as a non practising catholic which I am not, a belief in god is required for that whereas I have no belief other than science...My little fella is only a baby and we had a naming ceremony for him, however one of my OH sisters didnt bother to come to it and now her little boy is making his communion in the next few weeks and she keeps asking what we are going to do when its my boys turn, I have explained numerous times but she seems to be either deaf or stupid and I see no sign of a hearing aid hehehe

I have found to that if you live your life for you, your hubby and your baby then that is all that matters, if everyone else has a problem so be it, its their problem not yours and if they dont like it they know where the door is....Thats my take on it anyway but all done in a nice way not in a bitchy one and always with a smile plastered on your face

Peace and love OP x

kwalshe

iguana wrote: »

Should it happen that my child is in a class where a lot/the majority of the children are making their communion I plan on organising something fun to do on the communion weekend. Funds allowing I'd go somewhere like Eurodisney for a long weekend as the school days preceding and following the communion will be spent almost entirely on communion related events.

Very few children would prefer to make their communion than go hang out with Mickey Mouse at a funfair.

My daughters class is making their communion next Sat. but I am so relieved she will not be making it. My wife and I are not practising catholics and never will be, we regret getting her baptised, her younger brother is also baptised but #3 was not.
I cannot be a hypocrite and just go along with the whole event for saving face and also the situation with the church and the disgusting way they have treated the children (and adults) of Ireland makes my skin crawl.
We live in a relatively small country community, we approached the principal last year and discussed and he said it was fine. He explained to us at the time that he was suprised more people were not doing it!
Anyway our 8 year old seems to understand and does not have a problem , she goes to all the rehearsals and everything connected to preparing for it but will not be making it on the day.
Sure we can talk about it when we surprise her next thursday when we are getting on the plane for Eurodisney..

Morag

Both of mine are not baptised and neither made their communion.
It was difficult for them when so much class time is given over to communion prep.
It became part of music, art and English lessons.

They both got to do art or read quietly in class when the lessons when on around them.
They knew they had a choice and when one of them was considering making their communion a grand parent took them to mass every Sunday for a few weeks so they could see what it is would be expected of them. They chose not to.

On the day I brought them over to watch thier friends and we sat at the back of the Church and when the class photo was done on the altar they were invited up to sit with their friends for the photo.

The same when my eldest was in 6th and that is were my youngest currently is.

gcgirl

kwalshe wrote: »

My daughters class is making their communion next Sat. but I am so relieved she will not be making it. My wife and I are not practising catholics and never will be, we regret getting her baptised, her younger brother is also baptised but #3 was not.
I cannot be a hypocrite and just go along with the whole event for saving face and also the situation with the church and the disgusting way they have treated the children (and adults) of Ireland makes my skin crawl.
We live in a relatively small country community, we approached the principal last year and discussed and he said it was fine. He explained to us at the time that he was suprised more people were not doing it!
Anyway our 8 year old seems to understand and does not have a problem , she goes to all the rehearsals and everything connected to preparing for it but will not be making it on the day.
Sure we can talk about it when we surprise her next thursday when we are getting on the plane for Eurodisney..

+1 from me

unkel

kwalshe wrote: »

My daughters class is making their communion next Sat. but I am so relieved she will not be making it. My wife and I are not practising catholics and never will be, we regret getting her baptised, her younger brother is also baptised but #3 was not.
I cannot be a hypocrite and just go along with the whole event for saving face

Fair play to ya! You were a hypocrite baptising your first 2 children, like
millions of hypocrites in Ireland did and still do. It must have been hard, but you have come clean now and thankfully you have stopped being indoctrinated any further by this ridiculous and harmful idiocy.

Hi OP not a parent here, just wanted to throw my 2cents in.

While I do think that opting out of the communion is the best decision, it's worth also bearing in mind that he probably isn't overly concerned about it now, but when he's ~12 and confirmation comes around, it might be an issue. I'm sure you remember yourself that when you're 12 everything seems like a huge deal, so it might be worth bearing this in mind. Two girls in my confirmation class (I think it was 6th class) had their communion a month before confirmation because they felt like it was really important they could get confirmed (I don't think it was for religious reasons, moreso that they felt anxious about being left out).

That said, the Catholic tradition being so prevalent in schools is mainly due to the fact that no one wants to risk their kids feeling left out. Maybe in the long term, as more people like yourself don't send their children to communion, more people will feel like they too can opt out without it being a big deal.