Had a visitor in the wee small hours last night. WTF!!!

omgitsthelazor

One of the many great perks of being a woman. Something scary happens downstairs, all you have to do is prod the fellow beside you to deal with it and head back to sleep. :pac:

telekon

Get a chain for your door.

mongdesade

& a shotgun for beside the bed

rgmmg

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Went to bed last night a bit after 12. It was a tough week with with training and other stuff so I was wrecked. Anyway, I went out cold as soon as I hit the bed. My missus woke me in a panic at 3.17am sounding really worried. I was half asleep and heard her saying " There's someone downstairs". I was shocked, didn't know what to think, then I heard the doorbell. It was ringing and ringing. I asked her what she said, and she replied "there's someone downstairs ringing the bell and thumping on the door". So I pulled on a pair of trackie bottoms and went down.

I saw a figure outside the door, leaning against the frame. Again, he rang the bell. He was persistent if nothing else, but I was concerned he'd wake the kids. I opened the door and he tried to come into the house. I was so taken aback. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him backwards away from the door. He started to mumble something, but I just said to him "you're at the wrong house buddy, and you better not wake the kids, f**k off out of it!" He looked confused and looked around him at the cars, then at the house number on the wall and then at me, the smell of drink would peel paint from the walls, he was hammered. I told him again, "go on buddy, beat it!"

I closed the door and locked it, and went into the living room to have a look through the blinds. He stood at the end of the driveway and looked up the street, then down, then back in at the house. Then the biggest shock - he got into a car that was parked outside the house, turned it around (took a fair few attempts!) and drove away.

Seriously, WTF????!!! Gob****e! :mad:

The poor guy.

He comes "home" disoriented for whatever reason. He forgets his keys, rings the doorbell fully expecting his other half to open the door and give his some grief for being out late. Instead, some stranger answers what he believes is his front door and tells him to "Beat it, pal."

sh1tstirrer

Please Kill Me wrote: »

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

Op are you American?

God no, why?

It's those American slang words that you use that brought me to that conclusion.

tayto lover

That happened to me one night when i was in the house on my own. At about 3 a.m. there was a ringing on the bell and when i answered there was this gorgeous blond standing there with a good few drinks on her and she smiling at me and calling me honey. I brought her in

rain on

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

One of the many great perks of being a woman. Something scary happens downstairs, all you have to do is prod the fellow beside you to deal with it and head back to sleep. :pac:

One time my ex (male, large and not averse to a scrap) woke me (female and five foot nothing) in the middle of the night a panic saying there was someone banging at the door. Apparently I laughed, said "It's grand!", turned over and went back to sleep. Now that's confidence in your other half's home defence abilities :cool:

stovelid

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Had a visitor in the wee small hours last night.

Sounds like a euphemism for a wet dream.

bdoo

When I was in college in ul we broke the window out of the downstairs jacks of our house with a ball.

Being poor / miserable / not giving a **** we didn't fix it just locked the toilet door from the outside.. No worries!

One Sunday night myself and one of the lads had just arrived back down for the week and were watching telly and telling lies about how many women we had had sexual relations with over the weekend when we heard some knocking at the front door. Out we headed to see what was the fuss and there were a couple of birds standing out on the drive.

They were a bit shifty - not the kind of shifty I was looking for , but shifty non the less. Talking away as u do wondering what the story was when from the corner of my eye I spotted something.

Out through the broken window emerged a head, followed by a body then some legs (all attached) a girl!

It seems they were on the way home from the pub, she felt the call of nature and decided she had to go!

Naturally we asked them in for tea and had a bit of a laugh...never saw her again.

We even gave her a name... The phantom pisser!

lostboy

HELLRAISER!!!!!!!!

Pottler

Other side of the story- person who hates "Please Kill me" hires lethal (but very alcoholic and forgetful) underworld legend "Spades McCabe" to whack him. Spades accepts the contract and stalks "Please KIll Me" for days, noting his movements, where he lives, what time he goes to bed.
At 2am he decides to strike, and downs 3 naggins of whisky to steel his nerves, slaps the car into gear and drives to "Please Kill Mes" house. Spades staggers out of the car, pistol lodged in his waistband, ready to do murder and bangs loudly on the front door. The target takes longer than expected to come down and open the door, Spades mind wanders momentarily, suddenly the door opens and, "Jasus, what the feck was I meant to do again, errr, errr, ah feck it, where's me car, I'm dying for a kebab". Spades lurches off into the night in his trusty Golf.
"Please Kill me" so nearly got his wish...

Please Kill Me

lostboy wrote: »

HELLRAISER!!!!!!!!

Eh??

Pottler wrote: »

Other side of the story- person who hates "Please Kill me" hires lethal (but very alcoholic and forgetful) underworld legend "Spades McCabe" to whack him. Spades accepts the contract and stalks "Please KIll Me" for days, noting his movements, where he lives, what time he goes to bed.
At 2am he decides to strike, and downs 3 naggins of whisky to steel his nerves, slaps the car into gear and drives to "Please Kill Mes" house. Spades staggers out of the car, pistol lodged in his waistband, ready to do murder and bangs loudly on the front door. The target takes longer than expected to come down and open the door, Spades mind wanders momentarily, suddenly the door opens and, "Jasus, what the feck was I meant to do again, errr, errr, ah feck it, where's me car, I'm dying for a kebab". Spades lurches off into the night in his trusty Golf.
"Please Kill me" so nearly got his wish...

Funniest thing I've read in ages!!! LMFAO!

ian87

My OH has a holiday home in south Kerry which happens to be the nearest house to the local.. It's not unusual to come down of a morning and find one of the locals on the couch or better again in one of the beds.. Thankfully only people we know tend to be that cheeky but strangers aren't averse attempting to burst the door down....

mfceiling

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I was sure this was going to be the joke about getting woke up in the middle of the night with a knock at the door, and a fella standing outside saying he was stuck and needed a push.

You refused and went back to bed but the wife persuaded you to go back down, saying to you, 'that could be you some night!'.

Reluctantly you throw on you, go outside in the cold and shout out in the darkness - "Do you still need a push?"

"Yes" came the reply.

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing!"

Reminds me of the day my wife went into labour...

Me roaring "push"

Her roaring "why didn't you put petrol in the car you pr1ck"...

lostboy

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Eh??

hai

mikemac1

OP working long hours
Strange man showing up at unusual times

OP, you sure your wife isn't having an affair and this guy wasn't expecting you to be there?

Eve_Dublin

Please Kill Me wrote: »

He looked confused and looked around him at the cars, then at the house number on the wall and then at me, the smell of drink would peel paint from the walls, he was hammered. I told him again, "go on buddy, beat it!"

Nice use of "Beat it!" OP! I've images of you with hand on hat, head down and Moonwalking da fawg outta there, up the stairs and back to bed. Shamown!

leggo

Going to be a little vague with details, for reasons that'll become obvious, but I know a guy. Relative of a friend. Awful, awful scumbag. But, unfortunately, the mate can't choose who he's related to. This is a true story btw (well, as I heard it, from multiple sources). Something to give you all trouble sleeping tonight...

So he'd just got out of rehab. Turns out he was released too early and given some medication that messed his head up something awful. He got a taxi back and was dropped off in his estate.

With his head so messed up, he didn't know where he was and ended up walking into some poor Chinese lad's apartment, sitting down on the couch and passing out.

The Chinese lad came home from work and found him sleeping there. He freaked out and started yelling. Said scumbag woke up and ended up getting in a screaming match with the Chinese guy, who eventually shoved him out.

The scumbag then re-gained his wherewithal somewhat, went back to his apartment, and took a knife out of his drawer. He called back to the house and stabbed the Chinese lad. Fortunately, the latter survived and recovered.

"So he's in prison now?" you ask, rightly. Well, it turned out that because the rehab centre had made a mess of checking him out early and giving him the wrong medication, the case was struck out of court as he couldn't be held accountable for his actions in that state. He then secured a successful claim from the rehab centre. Yep, he actually benefited from this whole ordeal.

Last I heard, the Chinese guy still lives in the estate and has to see this scumbag walking around almost every day. Fantastic country we live in, isn't it?

Eve_Dublin

mikemac1 wrote: »

Were you wearing a suit and fedora and smoking when you said this?

OP, you are coolest man on boards :cool:

Damnit! Missed this. :mad:

recyclops

I've had a similar experience when I was around 17 was in the house on my own, around 1:30 or so in the morn I heard knocks on the door, went down and opened with the latch on a guy tries to push in at first then steps back.

Asks if (my name) lives here, in confusion,shock, whatever I say no he replies, those ****ing liars and stumbles away, I return to my room look out window to see him walk away and across the road.

I still wonder if this ever really happened or I dreamt it, if I did it is the most vivid dream I've ever had.

LH Pathe

That same.. prìck was back scraping on my velux last night.

"open teh window. let me iiin.. "

"its open; dipshìt"

"well.. take teh lock off I can't fit through a meager 3 inches"

"no. it's too cold for that"

"then I'll be back bìtch. when it gets warmer.."

am dreading tonight he wants to rasp on my mickey I think

bdoo

Knock on the downstairs window - who is it?

Heathcliff..... Its me its Cathy I've come home. Wo hoh oh o. So co o o old. Let me in your window!

**** off Cathy.I have to feed the baby.

I hope they're the words... I hate when I mis-hear lyrics and go off singing pure sh*te.

fryup

OP was it this man by any chance???