The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

Larianne

Daveysil15 wrote: »

This is interesting and really got me thinking. It's been over 4 years since I went on a date with someone I met IRL, and that was someone I met in work. I've never met anyone on a night out, except for the occasional shift in a night club. It's certainly not the norm here to approach random strangers in public and ask them out. That doesn't leave too many options. I wonder are international dating sites the way to go?

To be honest, if you're not meeting someone in real life or online, you are doing something wrong. I have no idea what it may be, but try look at how you act when you go out, where you go out and the type of person you approach. I say this as someone who used to never get approached or get talking to guys unless I was locked. What did I do? I changed my demeanor when out - smiley and approachable, lost weight, got a nice hairstyle and most of all lost my fear of chatting to people - by chatting to anybody and every body. I go out to have the laugh. Honestly ask yourself - do you have an attitude problem? Do you present yourself as best you can when out? Do you enjoy going out meeting people? What type of place do you go to meet people? Could you do something different?

MizzWolfie

I definitely think if you're getting no replies whatsoever there may be an issue with your profile/photos.

Some "hi" messages I get from people with nothing in their profiles and one unclear photo I wonder how they ever get a reply!

riveratom

Larianne wrote: »

To be honest, if you're not meeting someone in real life or online, you are doing something wrong. I have no idea what it may be, but try look at how you act when you go out, where you go out and the type of person you approach. I say this as someone who used to never get approached or get talking to guys unless I was locked. What did I do? I changed my demeanor when out - smiley and approachable, lost weight, got a nice hairstyle and most of all lost my fear of chatting to people - by chatting to anybody and every body. I go out to have the laugh. Honestly ask yourself - do you have an attitude problem? Do you present yourself as best you can when out? Do you enjoy going out meeting people? What type of place do you go to meet people? Could you do something different?

Depends on what you mean by 'meeting someone' - do you mean going on dates, or actually meeting someone you then have a relationship with?

I've no probs getting mails on sites and going on dates, it's the second part that never really happens!

Daveysil15

Larianne wrote: »

To be honest, if you're not meeting someone in real life or online, you are doing something wrong. I have no idea what it may be, but try look at how you act when you go out, where you go out and the type of person you approach. I say this as someone who used to never get approached or get talking to guys unless I was locked. What did I do? I changed my demeanor when out - smiley and approachable, lost weight, got a nice hairstyle and most of all lost my fear of chatting to people - by chatting to anybody and every body. I go out to have the laugh. Honestly ask yourself - do you have an attitude problem? Do you present yourself as best you can when out? Do you enjoy going out meeting people? What type of place do you go to meet people? Could you do something different?

riveratom wrote: »

Depends on what you mean by 'meeting someone' - do you mean going on dates, or actually meeting someone you then have a relationship with?

I've no probs getting mails on sites and going on dates, it's the second part that never really happens!

I've no problem meeting people as such, and like riveratom I've no problems getting mails on sites either. However its easier to find a culture that caters to your needs than it is to reconstruct your own. I found it a lot easier meeting people when I lived abroad. People were just more open and there was less of a barrier. I'm just saying the options are limited where I live, which is why I brought up the topic of international dating sites.

Chitza

Hi guys,

so I met this guy on POF who wouldn't be the type of man I usually go for. Since I was travelling, we only chatted to each other for about 3 weeks and I really liked his personality. When we finally met for lunch I liked him and we had a really nice conversation. That week he told his kids (10 and 14) about me.

We had a second lunch date the week after and afterwards he even showed them my picture. It didn't sit right with me when he told me but I didn't say anything. He is really sweet and everything but I am not swept off my feet nor do I feel like I want to kiss him or anything. While I really like him, I have to admit that there is no real physical attraction or anything if I think about it. We text every day but there is no flirting really.

We wanted to go to the cinema next week and I'm torn at the moment. Do I tell him at this stage that I don't think it's going any further and jump off the train or do I try a third date, this time evening date, and wait for the kiss attempt and see if I like it or not?

I just feel massively under pressure because of the kids knowing about me and maybe having expectations which might build up further the longer it drags out.

Any thoughts?

Larianne

riveratom wrote: »

Depends on what you mean by 'meeting someone' - do you mean going on dates, or actually meeting someone you then have a relationship with?

I've no probs getting mails on sites and going on dates, it's the second part that never really happens!

Oh I get you now. But still, think about maybe why things to materlize after the first or second date. Maybe you'll find a reason. I'm questioning myself now as to why nothing happens.

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I've no problem meeting people as such, and like riveratom I've no problems getting mails on sites either. However its easier to find a culture that caters to your needs than it is to reconstruct your own. I found it a lot easier meeting people when I lived abroad. People were just more open and there was less of a barrier. I'm just saying the options are limited where I live, which is why I brought up the topic of international dating sites.

I know your opinion on 'most' Irish girls, which I won't get into. But if you would prefer to meet/date foreign ladies, there are plenty of them in Ireland, so technically it shouldn't be hard for you to meet these ladies either. So, again, it does boil down to your attitude towards dating/relationships, where you go to meet people and what you do when you meet them.

I'm not having a go at yourself or Riveratom. It's more asking you to maybe question yourself about how you act around people. We do tend to think we're the bees knees but then you could be giving off a totally different vibe to people.

Chitza wrote: »

Hi guys,

so I met this guy on POF who wouldn't be the type of man I usually go for. Since I was travelling, we only chatted to each other for about 3 weeks and I really liked his personality. When we finally met for lunch I liked him and we had a really nice conversation. That week he told his kids (10 and 14) about me.

We had a second lunch date the week after and afterwards he even showed them my picture. It didn't sit right with me when he told me but I didn't say anything. He is really sweet and everything but I am not swept off my feet nor do I feel like I want to kiss him or anything. While I really like him, I have to admit that there is no real physical attraction or anything if I think about it. We text every day but there is no flirting really.

We wanted to go to the cinema next week and I'm torn at the moment. Do I tell him at this stage that I don't think it's going any further and jump off the train or do I try a third date, this time evening date, and wait for the kiss attempt and see if I like it or not?

I just feel massively under pressure because of the kids knowing about me and maybe having expectations which might build up further the longer it drags out.

Any thoughts?

Are you put off because he has mentioned you to his kids or because you just have no interest? You'll either have to tell him mentioning you to his kids is putting you off and to ease up on it. Or say you don't see it going anywhere. Do it by phone or meet up rather than text.

cantdecide

Chitza wrote: »

Hi guys,

so I met this guy on POF who wouldn't be the type of man I usually go for. Since I was travelling, we only chatted to each other for about 3 weeks and I really liked his personality. When we finally met for lunch I liked him and we had a really nice conversation. That week he told his kids (10 and 14) about me.

We had a second lunch date the week after and afterwards he even showed them my picture. It didn't sit right with me when he told me but I didn't say anything. He is really sweet and everything but I am not swept off my feet nor do I feel like I want to kiss him or anything. While I really like him, I have to admit that there is no real physical attraction or anything if I think about it. We text every day but there is no flirting really.

We wanted to go to the cinema next week and I'm torn at the moment. Do I tell him at this stage that I don't think it's going any further and jump off the train or do I try a third date, this time evening date, and wait for the kiss attempt and see if I like it or not?

I just feel massively under pressure because of the kids knowing about me and maybe having expectations which might build up further the longer it drags out.

Any thoughts?

I do wonder if the kids thing is a bit of emotional blackmail but maybe not. If this guy has greater plans for you than you have for him, don't let him pressurise you.

I reckon you go on the date and try to decide at that stage to make a decision as to whether it's going anywhere or not. If it ain't, just call a spade a spade and go back to the drawing board. If he's as crazy about you as it seems but it's not reciprocated, you won't be doing either of you any favours by prolonging things.

Daveysil15

Larianne wrote: »

I know your opinion on 'most' Irish girls, which I won't get into. But if you would prefer to meet/date foreign ladies, there are plenty of them in Ireland, so technically it shouldn't be hard for you to meet these ladies either. So, again, it does boil down to your attitude towards dating/relationships, where you go to meet people and what you do when you meet them.

I'm not having a go at yourself or Riveratom. It's more asking you to maybe question yourself about how you act around people. We do tend to think we're the bees knees but then you could be giving off a totally different vibe to people.

Ohh I know there are plenty of foreign women here - I actually met one on POF. That's not the issue, its just the dating scene does vary a lot from place to place.

Interesting you bring up the point of attitude or taking a look at myself and what I'm doing. I notice when a man is single he is asked to do this. Yet when the woman is single its usually the men's fault and not her own - like when you see all the profiles on POF which say, "Where are all the good men, are there no decent guys out there, men are creeps," etc. You'd never hear a man saying that about women because a man is not allowed to acknowledge that there might be an external problem. The problem is always with him.

missrandomer

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Ohh I know there are plenty of foreign women here - I actually met one on POF. That's not the issue, its just the dating scene does vary a lot from place to place.

Interesting you bring up the point of attitude or taking a look at myself and what I'm doing. I notice when a man is single he is asked to do this. Yet when the woman is single its usually the men's fault and not her own - like when you see all the profiles on POF which say, "Where are all the good men, are there no decent guys out there, men are creeps," etc. You'd never hear a man saying that about women because a man is not allowed to acknowledge that there might be an external problem. The problem is always with him.

I dont think Larianne meant that, sorry to jump in, i think she was just giving a few pointers thats all, so to make a gender difference remark is a bit of bad form to be honest.

She is giving advise from personal experience aswel, its not like she hasnt put the advise into motion and changed a few things in her own approach as she has stated above.

We are all here to learn, i dont think its about who's right or who's wronge.
thats my 2c worth anyhow

Daveysil15

missrandomer wrote: »

I dont think Larianne meant that, sorry to jump in, i think she was just giving a few pointers thats all, so to make a gender difference remark is a bit of bad form to be honest.

She is giving advise from personal experience aswel, its not like she hasnt put the advise into motion and changed a few things in her own approach as she has stated above.

We are all here to learn, i dont think its about who's right or who's wronge.
thats my 2c worth anyhow

I'm not having a go at her and I know she has made changes herself. Actually I wish more women were like her. Instead its usually the men who need to change and there is a lot of man bashing on the dating sites. As I've said, I found it a lot easier to meet women when I lived abroad. That's not to say Irish women are bad, but If I do well in one place and not in another then I don't think I need to change anything about myself or my approach.

riveratom

missrandomer wrote: »

I dont think Larianne meant that, sorry to jump in, i think she was just giving a few pointers thats all, so to make a gender difference remark is a bit of bad form to be honest.

She is giving advise from personal experience aswel, its not like she hasnt put the advise into motion and changed a few things in her own approach as she has stated above.

We are all here to learn, i dont think its about who's right or who's wronge.
thats my 2c worth anyhow

Yeah to be fair I don't think Larianne was having a go, just pointing out something she's clearly thought about (and acted upon) herself. I don't think Davey was targeting Larianne either though.

It's an interesting one though, especially as I've started to look at what might be going on after the first or second date myself. It might well be a combination of things. I do know that when I meet someone for the first time I am very carefree and independent-sounding, mainly because that's my personality anyway, but perhaps it might not be something that attracts others, because if I'm so comfortable being single and independent, then why am I looking for someone and do I really want a relationship?

That said, it may not be that at all either. And I'm not going to act or pretend otherwise (that I am comfortable being single and independent).

Larianne

You get just as many "where are the decent ladies?" "any genuine ladies out there" "No weirdos please" shíte from men on dating websites.

I am offering some friendly advice here on the thread where everyone is in the same position. Males and females.

Edit: Yous all replied before me!

riveratom

Larianne wrote: »

You get just as many "where are the decent ladies?" "any genuine ladies out there" "No weirdos please" shíte from men on dating websites.

I am offering some friendly advice here on the thread where everyone is in the same position. Males and females.

That is a fair point. I've never seen any male dating profiles on POF or anywhere else really (naturally enough), so I have no insight into that really.

I do see a *lot* of profiles where the girl is looking for a 'genuine' guy. In fact, I would say that nearly every second profile I see has that in the headline or in the profile itself. Which leads me to believe that women meet a lot of the wrong kind of guys, both online and IRL. Which makes it even harder for the guys who are genuine.

missrandomer

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I'm not having a go at her and I know she has made changes herself. Actually I wish more women were like her. Instead its usually the men who need to change and there is a lot of man bashing on the dating sites. As I've said, I found it a lot easier to meet women when I lived abroad. That's not to say Irish women are bad, but If I do well in one place and not in another then I don't think I need to change anything about myself or my approach.

If you do well in another place it could mean alot of different things, maby your more open and carefree when your away and people may like this side or maby its there culture too, maby there more laid back in other countries.

Saying that, if you dont think you need to change then thats completely up to you, if us Irish Girls are different to girls abroad then, who needs to change.... Irish Girls or you. Im stumped on this one im afraid.

No one should change for anyone, we change for our own reasons to improve ourselves to make us closer to happiness. But having an attitude to not changing just because why should you approach isnt going to get you anywhere. Live and learn, we change and adapt to our surroundings to make life easier. Thats my opinion. (hope it dosent sound too harsh)

Daveysil15

riveratom wrote: »

Yeah to be fair I don't think Larianne was having a go, just pointing out something she's clearly thought about (and acted upon) herself. I don't think Davey was targeting Larianne either though.

It's an interesting one though, especially as I've started to look at what might be going on after the first or second date myself. It might well be a combination of things. I do know that when I meet someone for the first time I am very carefree and independent-sounding, mainly because that's my personality anyway, but perhaps it might not be something that attracts others, because if I'm so comfortable being single and independent, then why am I looking for someone and do I really want a relationship?

That said, it may not be that at all either. And I'm not going to act or pretend otherwise (that I am comfortable being single and independent).

Nobody is targeting anyone and you're right, its probably a combination of things. Someone could have a great personality and be confident in themselves, but live in a small rural area. Obviously you wouldn't have as many oportunites as you would living in a big city. Your work, friends and social status comes into it to. You can't always blame the individual and you can only improve yourself so much.

sffc

Chitza wrote: »

Hi guys,

so I met this guy on POF who wouldn't be the type of man I usually go for. Since I was travelling, we only chatted to each other for about 3 weeks and I really liked his personality. When we finally met for lunch I liked him and we had a really nice conversation. That week he told his kids (10 and 14) about me.

We had a second lunch date the week after and afterwards he even showed them my picture. It didn't sit right with me when he told me but I didn't say anything. He is really sweet and everything but I am not swept off my feet nor do I feel like I want to kiss him or anything. While I really like him, I have to admit that there is no real physical attraction or anything if I think about it. We text every day but there is no flirting really.

We wanted to go to the cinema next week and I'm torn at the moment. Do I tell him at this stage that I don't think it's going any further and jump off the train or do I try a third date, this time evening date, and wait for the kiss attempt and see if I like it or not?

I just feel massively under pressure because of the kids knowing about me and maybe having expectations which might build up further the longer it drags out.

Any thoughts?

To be totally honest I had to reread your post several times because I couldn't believe what I read . This guys behaviour is totally irresponsible TO HIS CHILDREN before we even get to how it makes you feel. I have a nearly ten yr old and a twelve yr old. I would never dream of telling them I was seeing anyone until at least six months in and that's the norm! As for meeting that's totally the child's prerogative.
I don't need to ask how you feel. I'd say pressuized is an understatement. My advice is to not spare his feeling and tell him where he's going wrong for the sake of his kids. They deserve better as do you.

Daveysil15

missrandomer wrote: »

Saying that, if you dont think you need to change then thats completely up to you, if us Irish Girls are different to girls abroad then, who needs to change.... Irish Girls or you. Im stumped on this one im afraid.

Nobody should have to change, that's the point. I do my own thing. If it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't.

missrandomer

riveratom wrote: »

That is a fair point. I've never seen any male dating profiles on POF or anywhere else really (naturally enough), so I have no insight into that really.

I do see a *lot* of profiles where the girl is looking for a 'genuine' guy. In fact, I would say that nearly every second profile I see has that in the headline or in the profile itself. Which leads me to believe that women meet a lot of the wrong kind of guys, both online and IRL. Which makes it even harder for the guys who are genuine.

I aggree wit you here, i get mails from guys and its mental what they say in there mails and in there profiles, so then what happens is, i end up having to siv out the nice guys and that can be hard, so sometimes the nice guys get mixed in with the not so nice guys.
I do try to reply to anyone who has made the effort to mail me as i think its nice to get a reply even as they've went to the trouble.

I think the girls profiles are quiet similar to the guys profiles, there is alot of profiles that read Any nice girls, or no grannies or bunny boilers, no pic no reply etc

cantdecide

I think there's a dynamic problem in this country. IMO, the problem is that a lot of people will achieve fulfilling relationships that lead to marriage but I think Irish people tend to get there kicking and screaming. The drink culture has a lot of blame for this.

I think that people who are perfectly compatible and who could go on to something meaningful never get past the early stage due to BS expectations and box ticking. I've made a lot of changes and improvements in my life in recent in years for my own development and I don't know if you'll agree that it's a problem unique to Ireland but I think it's a shame that some have to create a lie in order to find a partner. I think I'd call it change for the wrong reasons.

wobblyknees

So a bit of an update on the very nervous girl I met yesterday, who I actually thought was really nice and had already suggested we meet again. We were talking/joking a bit by text afterwards yesterday, she was pretty much telling me she really really liked me and that I should (in what I considered to be a jokey way) get off the site last night, nothing too serious I thought. I got a text from her today asking how I was, I replied, said I was just a little busy at the time making lunch but everything was fine, again nothing too serious. She replied again to say she should probably leave me to it. I had meant to reply straight away to say she wasn't bothering me but was busy with the lunch and other stuff. I got a message on the site within the hour to say she was talking to someone else, I probably wasn't her type and to take care. Hmmmmmm. I think she was looking for a reaction another way but I really am not into the drama so I just wished her luck. I think in the end she really did want something very serious much much quicker than I was prepared for. This whole thing is very complicated isn't it?

Larianne

Soooo many wires can be crossed via mails/texts!! Who knows what she thought or what she thought you were thinking about the situation. Ugh.

Daveysil15

cantdecide wrote: »

I think there's a dynamic problem in this country. IMO, the problem is that a lot of people will achieve fulfilling relationships that lead to marriage but I think Irish people tend to get there kicking and screaming. The drink culture has a lot of blame for this.

I think that people who are perfectly compatible and who could go on to something meaningful never get past the early stage due to BS expectations and box ticking. I've made a lot of changes and improvements in my life in recent in years for my own development and I don't know if you'll agree that it's a problem unique to Ireland but I think it's a shame that some have to create a lie in order to find a partner. I think I'd call it change for the wrong reasons.

I agree with this, especially the parts in bold. The drink culture here has huge implications on the dating scene. I know a few non drinkers who find it very difficult to meet people. If someone doesn't like the drink they shouldn't have take part in it just to fit in or to find a partner.

missrandomer

cantdecide wrote: »

I think there's a dynamic problem in this country. IMO, the problem is that a lot of people will achieve fulfilling relationships that lead to marriage but I think Irish people tend to get there kicking and screaming. The drink culture has a lot of blame for this.

i thave to say this made me laugh and i think you make a good point.

Sometimes oposites attract and its beyond our control, with ticking boxes etc you dont get the same result though.

When your younger you dont have a type, its more of a friendship etc but as we get older maby we are more fussy about what we want and how others persieve us. (my spelling is auwfull)
Although being a little fussy or having a goal isnt always a bad thing, we know what we want... but it can also make it more difficult. People dont fit into boxes

Galvasean

I don't think it's Irish women or Irish men that are the problem as such, but the Irish dating scene itself. Our culture is undeniably alcohol based and that extends to dating too. Most couples that I know originated or at the very least were instigated in an alcohol fueled environment. While there will always be exceptions to the rule of thumb, the pub/club is still seen as the place to pick up a member of the opposite sex. Get plastered, shift and hope for the best tends to be the way of things for the most part. Personally I find that notion very off-putting (I'd even go as far too say it is also 'crude' or 'primitive').
While the Irish dating scene is gradually moving away from the pub/club scene, meeting a partner through other means is still seen as unusual or at the very least not the 'norm'.
Take America for example, there it's seen as perfectly a-okay to ask someone for a coffee date if you bump into them at the supermarket or pretty much anywhere else for that matter. We're just not used to it here in Ireland. Such an advance is for the most part seen as unusual, even weird and likely to be rebutted as people simply don't 'get it' and suspicion arises.

That said, I logged into POF last night and changed my profiler to a picture of me with a pint glass. None of my pictures had previously had any alcohol references in them, plus I don't mention drinking with any gusto in my profile. I want to see if my profile gets more or less (negative attention?) attention.
Not bothering looking for profiles by the by. It usually takes me a half an hour of searching before I find a profile I like on that site. Even then the chances of reply are remotely slim, a date even slimmer. Just doing it as a bit of an experiment as I don't think I can bear the thought of using POF in earnest again.

Daveysil15

Galvasean wrote: »

I don't think it's Irish women or Irish men that are the problem as such, but the Irish dating scene itself. Our culture is undeniably alcohol based and that extends to dating too.

+1 This is exactly what I was trying to say, and as someone who is not a big drinker I think it has held me back. Whereas when I lived abroad I found it so much easier to meet people. We rely too much on alcohol as a social lubricant here. It's not the the Irish women, its the Irish dating scene.

cantdecide

Galvasean wrote: »

...That said, I logged into POF last night and changed my profiler to a picture of me with a pint glass. None of my pictures had previously had any alcohol references in them, plus I don't mention drinking with any gusto in my profile. I want to see if my profile gets more or less (negative attention?) attention.

Don't forget to mention that you're a 'fun-loving' guy. You don't even have to mention alcohol then because everyone knows you can't have fun without alcohol.

KTRIC

KTRIC wrote: »

Have a date tonight, first in 6 months !! Feeling good about it , we have so much in common

Thought I did, turns out I don't

I'll hold in there and see if her illness clears up, but not for too long i think :rolleyes:

wobblyknees

Larianne wrote: »

Soooo many wires can be crossed via mails/texts!! Who knows what she thought or what she thought you were thinking about the situation. Ugh.

I think in this case the simple explanation works. We'd only met up yesterday for the first time and I think I was trying to ignore the signs that she was a bit eager due to her nerves. No harm done either way. Whats meant to be will be.

Galvasean

wobblyknees wrote: »

So a bit of an update on the very nervous girl I met yesterday, who I actually thought was really nice and had already suggested we meet again. We were talking/joking a bit by text afterwards yesterday, she was pretty much telling me she really really liked me and that I should (in what I considered to be a jokey way) get off the site last night, nothing too serious I thought. I got a text from her today asking how I was, I replied, said I was just a little busy at the time making lunch but everything was fine, again nothing too serious. She replied again to say she should probably leave me to it. I had meant to reply straight away to say she wasn't bothering me but was busy with the lunch and other stuff. I got a message on the site within the hour to say she was talking to someone else, I probably wasn't her type and to take care. Hmmmmmm. I think she was looking for a reaction another way but I really am not into the drama so I just wished her luck. I think in the end she really did want something very serious much much quicker than I was prepared for. This whole thing is very complicated isn't it?

I know the phrase is overused but bullet dodged. If she's that big into her drama now I can only imagine ahet she'd be like in a relationship! :eek:

KTRIC wrote: »

Thought I did, turns out I don't

I'll hold in there and see if her illness clears up, but not for too long i think :rolleyes:

Is it jut me being a big cynic or are there an AWFUL lot of sickly people on OD? Every couple of days someone on here gets a date postponed/canceled... I myself have had quite a few due to 'sickness'. Personally I think 'sickness' is often used as a kop out excuse for cold feet/diminishing interest/found somebody 'better' etc.
Either that or sick people have more free time to spend on OD?

Larianne

I'd say it's a bit of both. You will get some people who say they're sick when really its cold feet or better offer, and then you'll get genuine sickness.

And a lot of times, it can be 'time of the month' sickness. That can come on pretty quick and you feel like shít. I've had to cancel a few times because of that. And because you don't want to let on to the potential date what the cause of the sickness is, I guess the vagueness puts doubts in their head!