The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

Piliger

HI all,

Looking for a bit of moral feedback.

After weeks of drought I find myself chatting to four very promising ladies all at the same time and finding myself cornered by circumstance into meeting with all of them within a window of about 5 days.

My question is - if I decided I want to see more than one of them a second time, even three of them ... is that an ok thing to do ? I would truly hate to be seen as a player .... but as a guy who is 50+ I don't have forever ... and I am torn by the possibility that by being too 'proper' I might pass on the one that is ultimately the right choice.

Do ladies understand or accept that a guy might have a first-meeting and a second-meeting with more than one lady in the same short time frame ? or do they expect a man to drop anyone else after a first meeting ?

How much leeway is fair and is acceptable ?

Mr_Spaceman

Piliger wrote: »

HI all,

Looking for a bit of moral feedback.

After weeks of drought I find myself chatting to four very promising ladies all at the same time and finding myself cornered by circumstance into meeting with all of them within a window of about 5 days.

My question is - if I decided I want to see more than one of them a second time, even three of them ... is that an ok thing to do ? I would truly hate to be seen as a player .... but as a guy who is 50+ I don't have forever ... and I am torn by the possibility that by being too 'proper' I might pass on the one that is ultimately the right choice.

Do ladies understand or accept that a guy might have a first-meeting and a second-meeting with more than one lady in the same short time frame ? or do they expect a man to drop anyone else after a first meeting ?

How much leeway is fair and is acceptable ?

Piliger,

From reading your posts on here I can tell you know only too well how difficult it is to make progress in the word of OD. My advice, therefore, to you, would be to work away.

If things 'develop' with more than one lady further down the line you'll have, what a football manager would term, a 'selection dilemma'. And you can be sure many attractive women are multi-dating right now.

Fcuk it man, you don't have to be some kind of player (and you know you're not) to live a little. Even if it means quietly wrestling with your conscience. Having a bit of fun and getting out there is more important.

Yes, the above is morally questionable, but on balance - go for it.

Honey-ec

Piliger wrote: »

Do ladies understand or accept that a guy might have a first-meeting and a second-meeting with more than one lady in the same short time frame ? or do they expect a man to drop anyone else after a first meeting ?

How much leeway is fair and is acceptable ?

I can only speak from my own perspective, but I certainly wouldn't have a problem with it. I think it's completely unreasonable for anyone to expect someone to put all their eggs in one basket every time they go on a first date with someone. In fact, I always presumed that I wasn't the only person on the go whenever I met someone new.

maguic24

I don't think I have ever used a dating site in my life, granted I am only 20. I am super paranoid, I think I watch too much criminal minds, but there would be no way I would go on a date with anyone off the internet, unless I had two body guards. My bf invited two of his friends over from Belgium (who he plays Guild wars with). When he told me this at first, I had a heart attack, two people he met over the internet. :O I did think they were going to rape and murder me, but they didn't, thankfully.

I always found dates to be really uncomfortable and I would also turn people down immediately, who showed any interest, because I lacked confidence and I was pretty sure they were taking the piss out of me. :-/ Ireland isn't big on the ol dating thing, in my opinion anyway.

My current bf really had a hard time with me, he basically didn't leave me alone for 3 months, and that's how I ended up with him. I'd say if he wasn't as persistent, I would still be single now. Dates are really awkward, I find.

CastorTroy

riveratom wrote: »

The only thing that can be called absolute fact in relation to gender... is that there are no absolute facts in relation to gender.

Kindergarten Cop taught me differently.

I have received messages from women. Only about 4 or 5. I only replied to 1 and that quickly stopped after she asked where I was from. But it's been a long time since I got any.

Galvasean

maguic24 wrote: »

I don't think I have ever used a dating site in my life, granted I am only 20. I am super paranoid, I think I watch too much criminal minds, but there would be no way I would go on a date with anyone off the internet, unless I had two body guards. My bf invited two of his friends over from Belgium (who he plays Guild wars with). When he told me this at first, I had a heart attack, two people he met over the internet. :O I did think they were going to rape and murder me, but they didn't, thankfully.

I always found dates to be really uncomfortable and I would also turn people down immediately, who showed any interest, because I lacked confidence and I was pretty sure they were taking the piss out of me. :-/ Ireland isn't big on the ol dating thing, in my opinion anyway.

My current bf really had a hard time with me, he basically didn't leave me alone for 3 months, and that's how I ended up with him. I'd say if he wasn't as persistent, I would still be single now. Dates are really awkward, I find.

I don't mean to sound dismissive, but this sounds like something which is a much deeper seeded problem that you need to work on. In fact it sounds like said problem stretches far beyond the realms of online dating.

Honey-ec wrote: »

And ENOUGH with the massive generalisations of how women behave on OD. If I spotted a guy I liked the look of online, I happily messaged him first. We're not all:

- quivering in fear of rejection
- so up ourselves we don't think we need to bother
- shallow
- vacuous
- hyprocrites
- crazy
- hormonal

or any of the other myriad things that are constantly bandied about on this thread.

Some people on OD are assholes.
Some are fine.

It's as simple as that. Gender has fcuk all got to do with it.

I could make more or less the same post but switch genders. Girls on this thread say a lot about how men behave on OD too. I'd be inclined not to think of it as generalisations though, just people venting. Obviously when a guy/girl says, "Bah, guys/girls do this!" they don't mean to tar the entire gender with the same brush (well, not usually). They're just having a little vent against something that is common (and annoying in their experience). I wouldn't take it as a slight.

maguic24

Galvasean wrote: »

I don't mean to sound dismissive, but this sounds like something which is a much deeper seeded problem that you need to work on. In fact it sounds like said problem stretches far beyond the realms of online dating.



I could make more or less the same post but switch genders. Girls on this thread say a lot about how men behave on OD too. I'd be inclined not to think of it as generalisations though, just people venting. Obviously when a guy/girl says, "Bah, guys/girls do this!" they don't mean to tar the entire gender with the same brush (well, not usually). They're just having a little vent against something that is common (and annoying in their experience). I wouldn't take it as a slight.

You're not be dismissive at all and I agree with you, I definitely have self confidence issues. It was just my own personal experience with dating/online dating.

Daveysil15

riveratom wrote: »

Have to back up Honey-ec here, I am not bragging believe me but I have about 25-30 messages in my POF inbox from different women, plus several more on a couple of paid sites.

I'd say I get a message from a different girl every second day or so.

The only thing that can be called absolute fact in relation to gender... is that there are no absolute facts in relation to gender.

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

You're definitely an exception then. Clearly a devilish handsome young fellow! How old are you?

I'd say age is a definite factor here - and for men, the younger the better the chances of receiving messages. There is absolutely no doubt that, in general, the majority of men send far, far more messages than women. They don't have much choice.

That's just the way it is, and unfortunately most of us ordinary dudes have to work hard to gain any progress via OD.

I'd say I've received about 4 or 5 messages over the space of a year on OD. I usually need to do the chasing, but that kind of reflects the real world. The men generally do the approaching in bars and clubs etc. That's just the way it is.

It's probably the same with the offline meet-ups they have on POF. I wonder do they have a limit on the amount of people that can show up to these events. There would need to be a decent balance of both genders, otherwise you could have 4 girls turn up and about 20 lads, which would be crap from the man's perspective obviously.

Armaghmagic

In fairness the only thing you can say for sure is that physical attractiveness plays a huge role in initial messaging.

Not looking for anyone to dust off the violin but Riveratom is obviously a good-looking lad with getting messages every second day or whatever. I've been regularly on POF, tried different profile formats and photos and I think I received 2 messages since February (that's without me sending the first one).

Esoteric_

Piliger, I'd understand going on one or two dates with all the women. I'd then probably cull it to 2 women by date 3. :P

Seriously though, no point in putting your eggs in one basket, as Honey-ecc said, you should be able to multi-date with no bad feelings.


Also. Sending out messages to men who appeal to me now, just because some of you guys were baffled that I don't generally do it. :pac:

Larianne

Sending messages FTW! If you like the look/sound of someone why not?? (Yes, I know.. rejection.. but if you don't give it a go, sure you'll never know).

Esoteric_

Larianne wrote: »

Sending messages FTW! If you like the look/sound of someone why not?? (Yes, I know.. rejection.. but if you don't give it a go, sure you'll never know).

Just sent a few.

I presume we should do the same as the lads? That is, send the kind of interesting, witty messages that we'd tend to respond to ourselves?

Just asking because I did that..and received 'Mmmm, love them big kissable lips' in return. :pac::pac::pac:
Not a total rejection, thankfully!

missrandomer

Hey just looking for some advise,
i dont have allot of info on my pof profile, and i think its time i made more of an effort as i dont seem attracting the type of guy im after.

Any tips on how long or what i should and shouldnt say on my profile.

And on the whole topic of girls messaging the guy first, i have to admit i am pretty scared to do this. There is one guy ive noticed who has caught my eye a while ago on okc and i seen him on pof last week. He is older than me, and seems quiet (hope i used right spelling) intelligent but has that older and wiser look about him. il admit i havent sent him a message, why? im a bit intimidated to be honest. Anyone else feel like this sometimes.

*note, i am not normally as childish as i sound above!

cantdecide

missrandomer wrote: »

Hey just looking for some advise,
i dont have allot of info on my pof profile, and i think its time i made more of an effort as i dont seem attracting the type of guy im after.

Any tips on how long or what i should and shouldnt say on my profile.

And on the whole topic of girls messaging the guy first, i have to admit i am pretty scared to do this. There is one guy ive noticed who has caught my eye a while ago on okc and i seen him on pof last week. He is older than me, and seems quiet quite(hope i used right spelling) intelligent but has that older and wiser look about him. il admit i havent sent him a message, why? im a bit intimidated to be honest. Anyone else feel like this sometimes.

*note, i am not normally as childish as i sound above!

LOL! Bloody pedant I am!

Take a swallow and push the send button. Most guys like younger women, I'd say. What's the worst that can happen...

missrandomer

cantdecide wrote: »

LOL! Bloody pedant I am!

Take a swallow and push the send button. Most guys like younger women, I'd say. What's the worst that can happen...

Ah i know your right and ive half written messages to him a few times, i just cant send it though.

I would say i would be wasting my time to be honest. I dont have letters after my name (apart from my address that is) because im shy, i come across as childish which im far from, but i think its my awkwardness!

He is about 6-7 years older from what i remember, he states very clearly what he is looking for and this and his intelligence is what is intimidating. I dont think i fit into his world so to speak. Im just using this as an example, sometimes we want to message guys, but we dont always fit into their lists.

AnnyHallsal

missrandomer wrote: »

Ah i know your right and ive half written messages to him a few times, i just cant send it though.

I would say i would be wasting my time to be honest. I dont have letters after my name (apart from my address that is) because im shy, i come across as childish which im far from, but i think its my awkwardness!

He is about 6-7 years older from what i remember, he states very clearly what he is looking for and this and his intelligence is what is intimidating. I dont think i fit into his world so to speak. Im just using this as an example, sometimes we want to message guys, but we dont always fit into their lists.

Message him! Those pre-defined "what I'm looking for" descriptions don't mean much, I think.

cantdecide

missrandomer wrote: »

...his intelligence is what is intimidating. I dont think i fit into his world so to speak...

Just because he represents himself this way doesn't necessarily mean that he's looking for a clone. Some of the best couples I know are the ones where each has mutually complimentary characteristics and traits. Just because he might have more academic intelligence (and trust me- his world could well be filled with people with bigger brains than his) doesn't mean you have nothing to offer him.

Esoteric_

missrandomer wrote: »

Ah i know your right and ive half written messages to him a few times, i just cant send it though.

I would say i would be wasting my time to be honest. I dont have letters after my name (apart from my address that is) because im shy, i come across as childish which im far from, but i think its my awkwardness!

He is about 6-7 years older from what i remember, he states very clearly what he is looking for and this and his intelligence is what is intimidating. I dont think i fit into his world so to speak. Im just using this as an example, sometimes we want to message guys, but we dont always fit into their lists.

Relax a little bit! Okay, his intelligence intimidates you, but you're hardly a moron! We've all seen you post here and you're perfectly intelligent. You have nothing to lose by messaging him, and if he's still on the sites, clearly he hasn't met the right person yet. Like the lotto, it could be you!


Also, I have a 47 year old man giving me abuse because he asked to marry him before even speaking to me, and I (politely) said no. Um, hello? I'm 23? I don't know you? I wouldn't even go on a date, let alone marry you!

hollypink

missrandomer wrote: »

I would say i would be wasting my time to be honest. I dont have letters after my name (apart from my address that is) because im shy, i come across as childish which im far from, but i think its my awkwardness!

He is about 6-7 years older from what i remember, he states very clearly what he is looking for and this and his intelligence is what is intimidating. I dont think i fit into his world so to speak.

I think you are over-thinking this. What's the worst that will happen if you send a message?

Piliger wrote: »

Do ladies understand or accept that a guy might have a first-meeting and a second-meeting with more than one lady in the same short time frame ? or do they expect a man to drop anyone else after a first meeting ?

I think it's fine to multi-date in the beginning. The first date in online dating is, in my mind, not exactly a date, more of a precursor to a date, like chatting with a stranger in a pub and and exchanging numbers if you hit it off. All I'd say is if you decide you'd like to continue seeing one of them, don't say to the other woman/women what was said to me about 'keeping your cv on file' as another poster put it

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Also, I have a 47 year old man giving me abuse because he asked to marry him before even speaking to me, and I (politely) said no. Um, hello? I'm 23? I don't know you? I wouldn't even go on a date, let alone marry you!

Marry

missrandomer

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Relax a little bit! Okay, his intelligence intimidates you, but you're hardly a moron! We've all seen you post here and you're perfectly intelligent. You have nothing to lose by messaging him, and if he's still on the sites, clearly he hasn't met the right person yet. Like the lotto, it could be you!


Also, I have a 47 year old man giving me abuse because he asked to marry him before even speaking to me, and I (politely) said no. Um, hello? I'm 23? I don't know you? I wouldn't even go on a date, let alone marry you!

Awh LyndaMcl you've managed to make a little glum missrandomer a little happier. I get what your saying, im going to think of something witty and not childish and message him later on i think (puts writers cap on)

On another note, mr i wanna marry you guy, some people live in there own world and make up some sort of relationship in there head for some odd reason. Dont take any of nonsense, simply reply with the words grow up, this coming from a 23yr old to a 47 yr old would be a massive wake up call if he has any brain.

Then block him, ive had this before, they plan things, scenario's in there head and its very disturbing!

MizzWolfie

Lynda, I think that guy might have messaged me too ... Also 47 and also opened with a marriage proposal :rolleyes:

Esoteric_

MizzWolfie wrote: »

Lynda, I think that guy might have messaged me too ... Also 47 and also opened with a marriage proposal :rolleyes:

Did he say his pics were fake too??

MizzWolfie

Yes :rolleyes: Rumbled.

missrandomer

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Did he say his pics were fake too??

OMG i think i know the actual guy your talking about...

He didnt propose to me though ..... i dont know whether im feeling relieved or a little bit hurt haha

Esoteric_

missrandomer wrote: »

OMG i think i know the actual guy your talking about...

He didnt propose to me though ..... i dont know whether im feeling relieved or a little bit hurt haha

Oh god. I wish we could team up with Mizz Wolfie and do the hysterical female 'you're cheating on me' bit. :pac:

Piliger

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Piliger, I'd understand going on one or two dates with all the women. I'd then probably cull it to 2 women by date 3. :P

Seriously though, no point in putting your eggs in one basket, as Honey-ecc said, you should be able to multi-date with no bad feelings.

Thanks for that advice ... I know in my head that two dates is not immediate exclusivity ... but emotionally I know I'll be uncomfortable knowing that I'm about to meet someone else and laugh joke and flirt and maybe even kiss. Obviously I'll take it as it comes .. as I said to another younger poster here last week ... they may all be total failures of dates so there is no point in getting in a knot about it now . Still ........

On the messages content front. I would say I am pretty decent looking even though I'm an old fart.... I have been on OD, this time, since mid August and have received about 20 'first messages' from ladies - not one of them ever said anything other than "hi" or "hi how are you" or"smiley" or this morning's one "if you could visit one place in the world where would it be?" .......

Tchaikovsky

I've received maybe around 30 first messages from girls and by and large, they've all been interesting and 'reply-worthy' because they do they say that I have a refreshingly honest and unique profile.

What does have me flummoxed (sp?) though is the 'flirt option' that girls have.. seriously, why not just send me a message instead!? It really is redundant in all honesty.

AnnyHallsal

Piliger wrote: »

........

On the messages content front. I would say I am pretty decent looking even though I'm an old fart.... I have been on OD, this time, since mid August and have received about 20 'first messages' from ladies - not one of them ever said anything other than "hi" or "hi how are you" or"smiley" or this morning's one "if you could visit one place in the world where would it be?" .......

Ah that's not bad, is it? At least they tried to come up with something a little different.

hollypink

MizzWolfie wrote: »

Lynda, I think that guy might have messaged me too ... Also 47 and also opened with a marriage proposal :rolleyes:

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Did he say his pics were fake too??

Ugh it's a pity there isn't a 'freaky weirdo' filter on POF that would weed out people like this :mad:

I have a date later and although he seems nice, I can't shake off the (probably unjustified) feeling that he may be a little weird/odd and that it will consequently be really uncomfortable. I'm hoping it's just his writing style

Piliger

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

Ah that's not bad, is it? At least they tried to come up with something a little different.

Yeah but it demonstrates no effort to actually show she read anything about me in my profile or why she is contacting me....... this is what bugs me about women's messages - as opposed to what is 'expected' of men.