The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

HellFireClub

I got a mail from a girl the night before last, I don't think we had sent more than 5-6 mails to each other by way of conversation, then last night I got a message asking me, "are you one of these guys who wants to mail for a month or are you up for actually meeting up". I still didn't even know this girls name, and I'm done with the 2 dates in a week thing. Any time I had a bad date, I was bounced into it at short notice, I explained that I'm a bit more of a infrequent dater at the moment, and she basically gets a snot on herself and says good luck!

When I sat down to work out why I wasn't up for what was clearly an opportunity to go on a date, if I had managed it differently, I ended up thinking that if a girl is like this when it comes to dating, (and when I say "like this", I mean a girl who is happy to meet someone at the drop of a hat rather than spend the minimal amount of time getting to know them before meeting them, i.e. getting to at least know their name!!!), then with my innocent little man head on me, I reasoned out that it's more likely if not highly probable, that she is a serial dater who just wants a different guy to bring her out and wine her and dine her every second night of the week...

So what do you make of that?

Honey-ec

HellFireClub wrote: »

So what do you make of that?

I think she's probably had her head wrecked and time wasted by several of the "mail for the month" types and was trying to take the bull by the horns.

We can't win - if we wait for Mohammed to come to the mountain, we're accused of always expecting the blokes to do all the work. If we attempt to bring the mountain to Mohammed, we're suspected of being gold-digging serial daters.

Yet another reason why I gave up on the whole OD scene.

smallgarden

she might have been burned on od before. if shes got her hopes up mailing people for weeks and building up connection for guy then for him to just stop messaging she might be hypersensitive to it now. i think a few people have mentioned not messaging too long before meeting as it builds up expectations. she might just be taking this to the extreme

or she wants lots of dates.id have found your reply, while totally understandable, quite evasive and not showing signs of interest, just stringing me along type thing. i know thats not what you meant at all but thats one way could interpret it

HellFireClub

Honey-ec wrote: »

I think she's probably had her head wrecked and time wasted by several of the "mail for the month" types and was trying to take the bull by the horns.

We can't win - if we wait for Mohammed to come to the mountain, we're accused of always expecting the blokes to do all the work. If we attempt to bring the mountain to Mohammed, we're suspected of being gold-digging serial daters.

Yet another reason why I gave up on the whole OD scene.

Is it too much to ask though to know someone's name before being open to going on a date with them? I mean a handful of messages, certainly not totaling 10, exchanged and you get automatically written off as a time waster who only wants to chat for the next month?

I personally don't have the time or the money to be going on dates with every person I chat to on POF, and even if I had both, I still wouldn't want to as dating too often is as we all know, emotionally draining.

The only time I could see it not being emotionally draining, is if you were lining guys up like mugs for drinks to be bought for you a few times a week and you were playing guys for fools, going from one to the next. There are guys (and girls), who will run with this on the basis that they might get a ride out of it, I think I'm a bit long in the tooth for that shít now to be honest and can see it coming a mile away...

cyrusdvirus

HellFireClub wrote: »

Is it too much to ask though to know someone's name before being open to going on a date with them? I mean a handful of messages, certainly not totaling 10, exchanged and you get automatically written off as a time waster who only wants to chat for the next month?

I personally don't have the time or the money to be going on dates with every person I chat to on POF, and even if I had both, I still wouldn't want to as dating too often is as we all know, emotionally draining.

The only time I could see it not being emotionally draining, is if you were lining guys up like mugs for drinks to be bought for you a few times a week and you were playing guys for fools, going from one to the next. There are guys (and girls), who will run with this on the basis that they might get a ride out of it, I think I'm a bit long in the tooth for that shít now to be honest and can see it coming a mile away...

I dunno hellfire..... If i went anymore than 3 messages each way without volunteering my name it'd be unusual.

I certainly wouldn't go to 10 without dropping in I'm XXXX by the way, as a sign off.

HellFireClub

This is where the dating etiquette comes back into it and the accepted norm that the guy will buy the drinks on a first date, whether it be just coffees or a few drinks in a pub or whatever. Sadly, while well intentioned, there are women out there who will take complete advantage of this norm, I've ran into it once or twice myself, I'm anything but mean but at the end of the day, drinking in a pub these days is an expensive business and you wouldn't see 100 quid gone in a night on a date. You do that twice a week 200 quid a week gone on people you might never see again, seriously like, who has the money for that at the moment????????

riveratom

HellFireClub wrote: »

This is where the dating etiquette comes back into it and the accepted norm that the guy will buy the drinks on a first date, whether it be just coffees or a few drinks in a pub or whatever. Sadly, while well intentioned, there are women out there who will take complete advantage of this norm, I've ran into it once or twice myself, I'm anything but mean but at the end of the day, drinking in a pub these days is an expensive business and you wouldn't see 100 quid gone in a night on a date. You do that twice a week 200 quid a week gone on people you might never see again, seriously like, who has the money for that at the moment????????

Hey man,

It's 2012 not 1982, what kind of girls are these you're dating??!

Any dates I've been one it's been back and forth, as in I will always buy the first drink, but then the girl automatically just asks what I want when we are ready for a second drink....

HellFireClub

riveratom wrote: »

Hey man,

It's 2012 not 1982, what kind of girls are these you're dating??!

Any dates I've been one it's been back and forth, as in I will always buy the first drink, but then the girl automatically just asks what I want when we are ready for a second drink....

Well you're at the risk of being put in the scabby box there, I fully hear ya though...

riveratom

HellFireClub wrote: »

Well you're at the risk of being put in the scabby box there, I fully hear ya though...

Scabby for not paying for every single drink?!

My point is really that do ya really want to be out with someone who doesn't feel compelled in any shape or form to buy even one drink....

sharper

HellFireClub wrote: »

So what do you make of that?

I think that if she felt it was time to meet she could have expressed it in a way that didn't suggest you were somehow at fault or wasting her time. It suggests her attitude is that she has a particular set of preferences and expectations which you're expected to continually guess and meet without communication from her.

riveratom

HellFireClub wrote: »

I got a mail from a girl the night before last, I don't think we had sent more than 5-6 mails to each other by way of conversation, then last night I got a message asking me, "are you one of these guys who wants to mail for a month or are you up for actually meeting up". I still didn't even know this girls name, and I'm done with the 2 dates in a week thing. Any time I had a bad date, I was bounced into it at short notice, I explained that I'm a bit more of a infrequent dater at the moment, and she basically gets a snot on herself and says good luck!

When I sat down to work out why I wasn't up for what was clearly an opportunity to go on a date, if I had managed it differently, I ended up thinking that if a girl is like this when it comes to dating, (and when I say "like this", I mean a girl who is happy to meet someone at the drop of a hat rather than spend the minimal amount of time getting to know them before meeting them, i.e. getting to at least know their name!!!), then with my innocent little man head on me, I reasoned out that it's more likely if not highly probable, that she is a serial dater who just wants a different guy to bring her out and wine her and dine her every second night of the week...

So what do you make of that?

Had there been much of a gap between that message and the ones before?

If so, then yeah, there are better ways of handling that on her part...

smash

gatecrash wrote: »

KTRIC wrote: »

Tbh that's what I'm thinking myself. She said she worked for a charity. It'd be a real no no for me if she's a chugger.

Why? Genuine question.

In all honesty, what does it matter what someone does to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads once it's not mass murder or drug dealing or something else illegal?

In the case of a chugger, it takes a certain kind of person to be ok with harassing others out of money.

HellFireClub

sharper wrote: »

I think that if she felt it was time to meet she could have expressed it in a way that didn't suggest you were somehow at fault or wasting her time. It suggests her attitude is that she has a particular set of preferences and expectations which you're expected to continually guess and meet without communication from her.

She mailed me first, the night before last, a few messages exchanged, but only a handful. Then last night she came back with this, "are you one of these guys who just wants a pen-pal or are you interested in meeting up?". I responded with, "I don't go on many dates and I do take time to try to ensure that before I meet someone for a date, that there is some prospect of me meeting someone that I'd get on with..." At the time I got this message, I didn't even know her name! It doesn't bother me at all, I just wouldn't have time for that nonsense, lets go on a date and you haven't even the cop on to introduce yourself, I can't see that working, not with me anyway.

Mental Mickey

HellFireClub wrote: »

She mailed me first, the night before last, a few messages exchanged, but only a handful. Then last night she came back with this, "are you one of these guys who just wants a pen-pal or are you interested in meeting up?". I responded with, "I don't go on many dates and I do take time to try to ensure that before I meet someone for a date, that there is some prospect of me meeting someone that I'd get on with..." At the time I got this message, I didn't even know her name! It doesn't bother me at all, I just wouldn't have time for that nonsense, lets go on a date and you haven't even the cop on to introduce yourself, I can't see that working, not with me anyway.

Don't think you'd like her calling you "Mr Hellfire" for the whole night, would ya!!??

cyrusdvirus

smash wrote: »

In the case of a chugger, it takes a certain kind of person to be ok with harassing others out of money.

A sales person working on commission is almost exactly the same.

The only difference is a 'chugger' asks people on the street.
If a chugger approaches me, i just say no thanks, not interested. I've yet to be followed by someone doing a Mrs Doyle "go on, go on, go on, go on,"

if a sales person approaches me in a shop, i say no thanks, i'm fine. I've yet to be followed by one trying to force me into buying something.

If i met 2 identical twins, equal in every way, and both were interested in me, but one was unemployed and the other was a chugger, and i had to choose one, i'd pick the chugger

smallgarden

riveratom wrote: »

Hey man,

It's 2012 not 1982, what kind of girls are these you're dating??!

Any dates I've been one it's been back and forth, as in I will always buy the first drink, but then the girl automatically just asks what I want when we are ready for a second drink....

im of this thinking too,i do believe guy should get first drink and then girl the next, same with cinema, guy get tickets,girls get food and swap it the next time,halfsies all the way!

HellFireClub

gatecrash wrote: »

A sales person working on commission is almost exactly the same.

The only difference is a 'chugger' asks people on the street.
If a chugger approaches me, i just say no thanks, not interested. I've yet to be followed by someone doing a Mrs Doyle "go on, go on, go on, go on,"

if a sales person approaches me in a shop, i say no thanks, i'm fine. I've yet to be followed by one trying to force me into buying something.

If i met 2 identical twins, equal in every way, and both were interested in me, but one was unemployed and the other was a chugger, and i had to choose one, i'd pick the chugger

Off topic I know but great for throwing the chuggers, "Ah I'm already signed up to that!"

sharper

Honey-ec wrote: »

We can't win - if we wait for Mohammed to come to the mountain, we're accused of always expecting the blokes to do all the work. If we attempt to bring the mountain to Mohammed, we're suspected of being gold-digging serial daters.

The key component though is communication. A lot of women act as if their expectations should be understood and met without communication, guys that fail to do so are "clueless" or worse.

As you say it's impossible for any man or woman to either behave correctly or have a correct set of expectations but it's not whether they should want to meet quickly or more slowly but whether they're prepared to have a reasonable discussion about it.

Mental Mickey

I'm thinking of closing my POF account down?? Absolutely NO MESSAGES on it.

Also, if I am lucky enough to see someone on POF who I would be interested in messaging, I have absolutely no idea what to be saying in any messages....?

:(

I think I'm gonna be drifting in the sea of batchelordom forever................?

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

I got a mail from a girl the night before last, I don't think we had sent more than 5-6 mails to each other by way of conversation, then last night I got a message asking me, "are you one of these guys who wants to mail for a month or are you up for actually meeting up". I still didn't even know this girls name, and I'm done with the 2 dates in a week thing. Any time I had a bad date, I was bounced into it at short notice, I explained that I'm a bit more of a infrequent dater at the moment, and she basically gets a snot on herself and says good luck!

When I sat down to work out why I wasn't up for what was clearly an opportunity to go on a date, if I had managed it differently, I ended up thinking that if a girl is like this when it comes to dating, (and when I say "like this", I mean a girl who is happy to meet someone at the drop of a hat rather than spend the minimal amount of time getting to know them before meeting them, i.e. getting to at least know their name!!!), then with my innocent little man head on me, I reasoned out that it's more likely if not highly probable, that she is a serial dater who just wants a different guy to bring her out and wine her and dine her every second night of the week...

So what do you make of that?

I would and have dropped my interest in women if they didn't want to get on with meeting within a week or so. It's such a pain in the a$$ waiting and chatting and waiting and chatting while other people popup and start messaging and my interest fades.

OD is for dating ... not chatting.

riveratom

smallgarden wrote: »

im of this thinking too,i do believe guy should get first drink and then girl the next, same with cinema, guy get tickets,girls get food and swap it the next time,halfsies all the way!

Good to hear

And every girl I've ever dated, whether online and offline, has been just like this. Except for one who I went out with, but that's another story

Piliger

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Have my first date tonight since joining PoF and my stomach is in a knot. I'm a 40yo woman who has been on dates before so why do I feel so nervous. Is it gut instinct telling me its not going to work?

If you let nerves get to you and start making prejudgements then you may as well give it up.

You are just having coffee or a drink with someone. That's all. Try to relax and approach it with an open mind, good or bad and let it happen.

Piliger

Mental Mickey wrote: »

... if I am lucky enough to see someone on POF who I would be interested in messaging, I have absolutely no idea what to be saying in any messages....?

OD is definitely not for you then :rolleyes:

riveratom

I was chatting away to a girl who lives a bit of a distance (not too far, but a couple of short trips away) from where I live, and who was fairly clear about me coming to her, rather than any suggestion of meeting half way. It seemed like she just didn't want to entertain the idea of this, that it had to be like that. Hmmmmm....

HellFireClub

Piliger wrote: »

I would and have dropped my interest in women if they didn't want to get on with meeting within a week or so. It's such a pain in the a$$ waiting and chatting and waiting and chatting while other people popup and start messaging and my interest fades.

OD is for dating ... not chatting.

I hear ya, but there is a huge difference between chats rambling on for days/weeks and 5mails having been exchanged. Anyway sure, my attitude o OD is try to take the best of it and let the worst of it go completely over your head. :cool:

miamee

riveratom wrote: »

I was chatting away to a girl who lives a bit of a distance (not too far, but a couple of short trips away) from where I live, and who was fairly clear about me coming to her, rather than any suggestion of meeting half way. It seemed like she just didn't want to entertain the idea of this, that it had to be like that. Hmmmmm....

Sounds like the kind of girl who might be expecting you (as the man) to pay as well Unless she has no car/other way of getting to a half way point?

miamee

HellFireClub wrote: »

I hear ya, but there is a huge difference between chats rambling on for days/weeks and 5mails having been exchanged. Anyway sure, my attitude o OD is try to take the best of it and let the worst of it go completely over your head. :cool:

I'm more on your side of the camp here. I never understand someone wanting to meet up after finding out exactly nothing about me, not even my name. There is no established connection and it's about as likely that we will get on as if I pulled some randomer off O'Connell Street for a date. I prefer to be sure we'll have at least something in common to talk about (after exchanging a few mails), dates where it's like pulling teeth for conversation are best avoided in my experience

riveratom

miamee wrote: »

Sounds like the kind of girl who might be expecting you (as the man) to pay as well Unless she has no car/other way of getting to a half way point?

Well, she basically moved out of the city and isn't a fan of city-living at all, much prefers the country. So I take it she lives out rural and commutes in to this town now instead. You could be right there too. When looking to arrange where to meet, she was kind of joking about 'ladies choice' and I was saying 'what about equality?!' I think she pretty much presumed I'd be going out to her from the outset. I think most people would agree to meet in town, since it is a central point for everyone in the Dublin area and surrounds.

Mental Mickey

Piliger wrote: »

OD is definitely not for you then :rolleyes:

Probably because I mentioned the fact that I have a disability in my profile...?

miamee

riveratom wrote: »

Well, she basically moved out of the city and isn't a fan of city-living at all, much prefers the country. So I take it she lives out rural and commutes in to this town now instead. You could be right there too. When looking to arrange where to meet, she was kind of joking about 'ladies choice' and I was saying 'what about equality?!' I think she pretty much presumed I'd be going out to her from the outset. I think most people would agree to meet in town, since it is a central point for everyone in the Dublin area and surrounds.

This is true, if you both live outside of the city but can easily access it by public transport, this would be the ideal spot for a first date. Easy getaway for either one of you should it all go pear-shaped, lol. Or easy to get home later if it goes well.
Met someone via OD last year who lived about a 90 minute drive from Dublin. For our first date we both drove to a town that was "half way" between the tow of us (more or less), then after that we kinda took turns driving to each other. I wouldn't have expected anything else tbh.