The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

Meauldsegosha

HellFireClub wrote: »

With OD however, you have to go to the bother of getting ready, clearing your evening/night, making this big stupid fúcking effort, to meet someone who on the balance of probabilities, will have you wishing after an hour or two that you were back at home sitting on your sofa watching the Discovery Channel! 99% of these dates, in my experience, are just extremely boring encounters where you are rehashing the exact same shíte about yourself for a few hours and hearing the same regurgitated shíte from your date about their life. Any date I've been on, I've ALWAYS detected this little barely disguised veneer of suspicion about whether I am as how I've represented myself on my profile, (as in am I really single, have I really got no kids?), that just adds further weirdness into the conversation and fuels the boredom and the regret about having agreed to go on a date to begin with.

Sorry lads and ladies, it's just a loada shíte shíte shíte (EDIT: In my humble view)!

If that is the attitude you have on a date I'm not surprised you have a negative view of OD. Maybe the women could sense you didn't really want to be there. I know if I'm chatting to someone, in whatever siutation, if that person is distracted or not engaged in the conversation I would find it hard to keep chatting to them.

riveratom

HellFireClub wrote: »

Well I'm done with it now, pursuing an offline thing that I think warrants hanging up my OD boots for once and for all, THANK FÚP!!! Having tried the OD though, I couldn't be more convinced that it simply doesn't work, for a few reasons, it's great for killing boredom, great for a bit of banter, great for yapping, but once it moves into "hey I'll tell you what, let's meet up for a date!", territory, I found it extremely extremely stressful, I cancelled more dates than I went on, not because I was nervous or didn't like the girl I had been yapping to, I just couldn't have been fúcking arsed going on a date 90% of the time, after being busy with work and basically came to see meeting a total stranger as nothing other than a big massive inconvenience in my day/evening. At the time I'd have agreed to a date, it seemed like a good idea, but the closer it came to meeting, the more I'd have started regretting with every last bit of me, ever agreeing to go on a date.

This is why I don't think OD works, why I think it is just a fatally flawed method of meeting someone special. If you met someone face to face randomly in the offline/real world, and there was a spark or mutual attraction going on, you can do something about that, there is an attraction there to motivate you to pursue it, or not, or to think about pursuing it, if it's strong enough, you might find yourself having no choice but to pursue it.

With OD however, you have to go to the bother of getting ready, clearing your evening/night, making this big stupid fúcking effort, to meet someone who on the balance of probabilities, will have you wishing after an hour or two that you were back at home sitting on your sofa watching the Discovery Channel! 99% of these dates, in my experience, are just extremely boring encounters where you are rehashing the exact same shíte about yourself for a few hours and hearing the same regurgitated shíte from your date about their life. Any date I've been on, I've ALWAYS detected this little barely disguised veneer of suspicion about whether I am as how I've represented myself on my profile, (as in am I really single, have I really got no kids?), that just adds further weirdness into the conversation and fuels the boredom and the regret about having agreed to go on a date to begin with.

Sorry lads and ladies, it's just a loada shíte shíte shíte (EDIT: In my humble view)!

To be honest man I find your view of online dating a tad peculiar. You are basically saying that you recognise the effort you have to put in to do it, but then you're saying you can't be arsed putting in that effort, and then you say that it doesn't work - even though you admit that you can't be bothered and more often than not don't put the effort into it?!!

That to me is like an overweight person saying that going to the gym is a whole load of effort they just can't be bothered with, getting ready to go there, getting your gear together, having to workout, sweat, shower and then go home again - and then going on a rant about how exercise doesn't work!!!

HellFireClub

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If that is the attitude you have on a date I'm not surprised you have a negative view of OD. Maybe the women could sense you didn't really want to be there. I know if I'm chatting to someone, in whatever siutation, if that person is distracted or not engaged in the conversation I would find it hard to keep chatting to them.

It's the attitude anyone will develop when they are going out on these dates and sitting in the attitude of suspicious people who reckon you are married or somehow misrepresenting yourself for a start, and then you have to explain who you are and what you are all about, just like you did the previous week to some other girl, it's human nature to get bored when this is what you are at. As people have said, it's emotionally exhausting after a while, I had to ween it down to one date every 4 to 8 weeks, and I still got a pain in my hoop with it. Maybe just being single has made me more selfish with my time, if so, there's no crime in that.

fat__tony

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Do you not have to do that anyway when you're going out socializing, meeting people, or going on a date with someone you met from work? You can't expect to meet people without making any effort. Life is not that easy.



That's a lot to me. I've met a total of 2 girls in 18 months. At least you're meeting people. There's guys that can't get a date full stop.

I fully appreciate that. I realise my frustrations are somewhat trivial.

One fundamental mistake I made when looking back is that I tried seeing too many people at one time as opposed to focusing on one girl at a time.
I have certainly learned my lesson there.

HellFireClub

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I agree with what you're saying. It's much easier going on a date with someone you've already met. But you surely knew before hand that you'd be going in blind when you started OD. I feel your frustration and I haven't had much luck with OD either, but I try not to take it too seriously. If I meet someone from it that would be great. If I don't... well I haven't really lost anything by trying.

I never anticipated that one some of the dates I went on, that I'd have met people who only seemed to be able to communicate from behind a keyboard.

I've had plenty of luck going on dates, I've never had a fortnight where I couldn't have gone on several dates, I went on a few dates in a short enough time frame a few months back and realised that I wasn't gonna get anywhere with it that way. Then I tried cutting back on the dating thing but still wasn't finding the slightest spark with anyone, one girl being the exception because we had a great first date. Yeah if I had more patience with it, I'd probably have had better results with it eventually, sure statistically I'd have had to.

But you can't call that success in any mans language.

HellFireClub

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If that is the attitude you have on a date I'm not surprised you have a negative view of OD. Maybe the women could sense you didn't really want to be there. I know if I'm chatting to someone, in whatever siutation, if that person is distracted or not engaged in the conversation I would find it hard to keep chatting to them.

You actually couldn't be more wrong there, I'm extremely conversational in person.

Mr_Spaceman

mood wrote: »

I can't help but think that when the 2nd or 3rd date don't go as well as the 1st it possible because our expectations are high. maybe giving it more time would be a good idea.

Yeah, it's pretty impossible to be 'on' and shiny 100% of the time - even on subsequent dates. OD can't always be full of whistles and bells.

A bit of realism would often help here.

Meauldsegosha

HellFireClub wrote: »

You actually couldn't be more wrong there, I'm extremely conversational in person.

You may think you are but if you're thinking "I'd rather be at home watching the Discovey Channel" you may not be engaging in the conversation but, as you said yourself, regurgitating the same ****e.

Daveysil15

HellFireClub wrote: »

I never anticipated that one some of the dates I went on, that I'd have met people who only seemed to be able to communicate from behind a keyboard.

I've had plenty of luck going on dates, I've never had a fortnight where I couldn't have gone on several dates, I went on a few dates in a short enough time frame a few months back and realised that I wasn't gonna get anywhere with it that way. Then I tried cutting back on the dating thing but still wasn't finding the slightest spark with anyone, one girl being the exception because we had a great first date. Yeah if I had more patience with it, I'd probably have had better results with it eventually, sure statistically I'd have had to.

But you can't call that success in any mans language.

Well you’ve had more success than me. I’d like to be in a situation where I had those sort of options. I wonder if the people who go on regular dates just go through the motions. A lack of excitement or spontaneity perhaps. We discussed the serial daters in this thread earlier. The people who go on 2 or 3 dates a week. I wouldn’t have the energy for that. I would find it draining. If you’re at the stage where dating becomes a chore, then I think you need to take a step back. I’m not saying that’s been your experience, but I’d say some people see it that way. Both people need to be in the right frame of mind, otherwise its not going to work.

mood

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I only message women I'm attracted to yes - that doesn't mean she has to look like a model, but she has to be decent looking at least. I don't think there's any point in contacting someone that you don't find attractive.



This is what I don't understand. Yes personality is important, but you can't judge that over the internet. All you have initially is looks. This is why, (for me at least) I usually only contact girls I'm attracted to as I won't know what her personality is like until I meet her, and personality alone is not enough. There needs to be some sort of physical attraction.

I know you can't tell until you actually meet but sometimes you can tell that you are not on the same wavelength or whatever.

mood

HellFireClub wrote: »

Well I'm done with it now, pursuing an offline thing that I think warrants hanging up my OD boots for once and for all, THANK FÚP!!! Having tried the OD though, I couldn't be more convinced that it simply doesn't work, for a few reasons, it's great for killing boredom, great for a bit of banter, great for yapping, but once it moves into "hey I'll tell you what, let's meet up for a date!", territory, I found it extremely extremely stressful, I cancelled more dates than I went on, not because I was nervous or didn't like the girl I had been yapping to, I just couldn't have been fúcking arsed going on a date 90% of the time, after being busy with work and basically came to see meeting a total stranger as nothing other than a big massive inconvenience in my day/evening. At the time I'd have agreed to a date, it seemed like a good idea, but the closer it came to meeting, the more I'd have started regretting with every last bit of me, ever agreeing to go on a date.

This is why I don't think OD works, why I think it is just a fatally flawed method of meeting someone special. If you met someone face to face randomly in the offline/real world, and there was a spark or mutual attraction going on, you can do something about that, there is an attraction there to motivate you to pursue it, or not, or to think about pursuing it, if it's strong enough, you might find yourself having no choice but to pursue it.

With OD however, you have to go to the bother of getting ready, clearing your evening/night, making this big stupid fúcking effort, to meet someone who on the balance of probabilities, will have you wishing after an hour or two that you were back at home sitting on your sofa watching the Discovery Channel! 99% of these dates, in my experience, are just extremely boring encounters where you are rehashing the exact same shíte about yourself for a few hours and hearing the same regurgitated shíte from your date about their life. Any date I've been on, I've ALWAYS detected this little barely disguised veneer of suspicion about whether I am as how I've represented myself on my profile, (as in am I really single, have I really got no kids?), that just adds further weirdness into the conversation and fuels the boredom and the regret about having agreed to go on a date to begin with.

Sorry lads and ladies, it's just a loada shíte shíte shíte (EDIT: In my humble view)!

Then why do I know 4 couples who are now married that meet through OD! It's not easy but it can work.

Daveysil15

mood wrote: »

I know you can't tell until you actually meet but sometimes you can tell that you are not on the same wavelength or whatever.

Been on the same wavelenght is different to judging someones personality. That's not how attraction is built. Lot's of people have been on dates where there was no spark, even though they seemed to be on the same page while chatting online.

mood

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Been on the same wavelenght is different to judging someones personality. That's not how attraction is built. Lot's of people have been on dates where there was no spark, even though they seemed to be on the same page while chatting online.

I've never been attracted to someone if we were on a different wavelenght. However you do need to meet to really know.

riveratom

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Been on the same wavelenght is different to judging someones personality. That's not how attraction is built. Lot's of people have been on dates where there was no spark, even though they seemed to be on the same page while chatting online.

mood wrote: »

I've never been attracted to someone if we were on a different wavelenght. However you do need to meet to really know.

I think the kicker is where you're getting on great over emails, and then you meet and it's just like meeting a mate or having a polite convo or whatever. That's when you know it's dead in the water!

I think the fundamental pre-requisite is that both guy and girl need to feel that physical attraction along with the chat, because it's not like real-life where you can see someone differently over time and where they can 'grow on you', or whatever. So really, that's just the way OD is and ya gotta roll with it!

Daveysil15

mood wrote: »

I've never been attracted to someone if we were on a different wavelenght. However you do need to meet to really know.

What exactly is meant by wavelenght though? Having the same interests? Good flowing conversation? For me those would be secondary to physical attraction. That may seem shallow, but I don't think you can get a proper feel for someone from simply texting back and forth. A Skype chat on the other hand would be different as you can see the person. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea though.

mood

Daveysil15 wrote: »

What exactly is meant by wavelenght though? Having the same interests? Good flowing conversation? For me those would be secondary to physical attraction. That may seem shallow, but I don't think you can get a proper feel for someone from simply texting back and forth. A Skype chat on the other hand would be different as you can see the person. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea though.

From experience I think you can get a general idea if you might get on in person.

I really think for men physical attraction is very important whereas personality can be more important for women.

Daveysil15

mood wrote: »

From experience I think you can get a general idea if you might get on in person.

I really think for men physical attraction is very important whereas personality can be more important for women.

That seems to be the case, although its nice to have both. However I think its easier to tell if someone online is attractive from their photos, than it is to ascertain if someone online has a nice personality. That's the way I see it anyway. In saying that, someone could look very attractive but be very unpleasant when you meet them - that's what happened on my last date. You just don't know till you meet the person.

IRL it usually starts with the physical attraction and then you get to know the person and see how it goes from there.

HellFireClub

riveratom wrote: »

To be honest man I find your view of online dating a tad peculiar. You are basically saying that you recognise the effort you have to put in to do it, but then you're saying you can't be arsed putting in that effort, and then you say that it doesn't work - even though you admit that you can't be bothered and more often than not don't put the effort into it?!!

That to me is like an overweight person saying that going to the gym is a whole load of effort they just can't be bothered with, getting ready to go there, getting your gear together, having to workout, sweat, shower and then go home again - and then going on a rant about how exercise doesn't work!!!

No, I don't quite think that is how I said I perceived the experience. What I think I said was that bit by bit, after a few dates where you're putting in this effort to make an impression, but you are ultimately meeting people who are, by virtue of the medium that you have met through, (1) kind of highly cynical of online dating themselves, because obviously they have never met you before, so therefore they are nervous, and, (2) are actually fairly suspicious of you, because after all, as we all know, OD is stuffed full of people who make up the majority of people who use OD, who misrepresent themselves, not just in relation to their appearance, but also in relation to their martial status, family status, etc.

What I said was, that when you are meeting people against this backdrop, it's very very hard to get anything positive from it, because you are starting when you are completely on the back foot and have to in fact make up a lot of ground, just to get to the starting point, which is to get someone to be comfortable with you, to accept that you are who and what you say you are.

Having to do all the self-explaining that comes along with that, is actually tiring at the best of times. The more you do it, and the more you see that you are going on dates but not actually getting any closer to what you are looking for, the less inclined you are to keep wanting to do it, that's my view on it anyway, and it seems to be fully consistent with the experience of other people on the thread who seem to get almost burnt out with it after a relatively short space of time.

That's just one part of the difficulty of OD, you also have people who have no idea how to hold a conversation, one girl I met, I think was actually psychotic, I spent I think 10 minutes in her company and had to leave I got such a dodgy vibe off her.

None of these downright weird dating experiences, would happen with for example, someone you worked with, who knew the smallest thing about you, i.e. that you are single, that you don't have kids, that you are able to hold a conversation without too much difficulty, if you were to go on a date with such a person.

That's why I'm saying I don't think that as a model for meeting people, it actually does what it says on the tin at all. Nothing to do with overweight people going to gyms or whatever construction you were trying to place there on the point I was making.

riveratom

HellFireClub wrote: »

No, I don't quite think that is how I said I perceived the experience. What I think I said was that bit by bit, after a few dates where you're putting in this effort to make an impression, but you are ultimately meeting people who are, by virtue of the medium that you have met through, (1) kind of highly cynical of online dating themselves, because obviously they have never met you before, so therefore they are nervous, and, (2) are actually fairly suspicious of you, because after all, as we all know, OD is stuffed full of people who make up the majority of people who use OD, who misrepresent themselves, not just in relation to their appearance, but also in relation to their martial status, family status, etc.

What I said was, that when you are meeting people against this backdrop, it's very very hard to get anything positive from it, because you are starting when you are completely on the back foot and have to in fact make up a lot of ground, just to get to the starting point, which is to get someone to be comfortable with you, to accept that you are who and what you say you are.

Having to do all the self-explaining that comes along with that, is actually tiring at the best of times. The more you do it, and the more you see that you are going on dates but not actually getting any closer to what you are looking for, the less inclined you are to keep wanting to do it, that's my view on it anyway, and it seems to be fully consistent with the experience of other people on the thread who seem to get almost burnt out with it after a relatively short space of time.

That's just one part of the difficulty of OD, you also have people who have no idea how to hold a conversation, one girl I met, I think was actually psychotic, I spent I think 10 minutes in her company and had to leave I got such a dodgy vibe off her.

None of these downright weird dating experiences, would happen with for example, someone you worked with, who knew the smallest thing about you, i.e. that you are single, that you don't have kids, that you are able to hold a conversation without too much difficulty, if you were to go on a date with such a person.

That's why I'm saying I don't think that as a model for meeting people, it actually does what it says on the tin at all. Nothing to do with overweight people going to gyms or whatever construction you were trying to place there on the point I was making.

It has everything to do with the analogy I was making. The thing is, OD is just the same as any endeavour in life - you put your best face and foot forward, you put the effort in, you position yourself to get the most out of it, and you ditch what doesn't work and focus on what does.

The analogy is very sound. Basically, everyone knows that online dating can work very well indeed. I think the latest stat I saw was that in Ireland alone, approx 30-40% of couples now meet online. In fact, it might be even higher. And what I'm driving at with the analogy is that just as everyone knows that OD can work very well, they also know that working out 'works' if you are overweight.

So, if someone is going to the gym and not losing weight, would you say it's because exercise doesn't work, or because they are maybe missing a trick and not putting enough into it?

The thing is, if you are meeting someone where you get a dodgy vibe off them and have to leave after 10 minutes, I would really wonder about why you came to the decision to meet them in the first place. I mean, were you having a good conversation prior to that?!

The other thing is that I have never had a problem with representing myself online. People don't act suspicious when I meet them, so could it be that you are putting something out there that makes them feel a bit uneasy? Which then leads to dates that aren't that great?

Now on the above, maybe it's got to do with being older, I'm early 30s myself - but perhaps when people get closer to 40 there is more baggage (not you, just people in general around that age), and maybe there is more cause for people to be wary.

One thing for sure though - you have to be open to the possibility that it's not OD that's at fault, and that it could be down to something you might be doing or not doing instead.

smallgarden

id wonder are people really suspicious or are you assuming they are, and i dont think ive ever questioned whether peope are single, have no kids in person, maybe people think youre too good to be true which id take as a compliment

Mental Mickey

Right.

This OD thing is getting knocked on the head by me. Am pi$$ed off looking at POF.com etc, and seeing the same bloody faces all the time. Also, whenever I see someone who's supposedly online, if I fancy them, I'll open the chat window with them and start with a polite "hello". I then sit and wait to see if there's going to be a response, but nothing EVER happens.

I think I'm destined for a life of singledom.......?

Prick!

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Right.

This OD thing is getting knocked on the head by me. Am pi$$ed off looking at POF.com etc, and seeing the same bloody faces all the time. Also, whenever I see someone who's supposedly online, if I fancy them, I'll open the chat window with them and start with a polite "hello". I then sit and wait to see if there's going to be a response, but nothing EVER happens.

I think I'm destined for a life of singledom.......?

Same here. It's annoying you can't hide people from the search.

No one ever replies in chat either, it's like they don't even see it

There's someone for everyone though.

Mental Mickey

Prick! wrote: »

Same here. It's annoying you can't hide people from the search.

No one ever replies in chat either, it's like they don't even see it

There's someone for everyone though.

Dunno about that.........?

Prick!

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Dunno about that.........?

Definitely is Mick And when it happens it'll be all the more sweeter.

That said, I haven't been on a date from OD yet and I've been online a looooong time.

riveratom

Mental Mickey wrote: »

Right.

This OD thing is getting knocked on the head by me. Am pi$$ed off looking at POF.com etc, and seeing the same bloody faces all the time. Also, whenever I see someone who's supposedly online, if I fancy them, I'll open the chat window with them and start with a polite "hello". I then sit and wait to see if there's going to be a response, but nothing EVER happens.

I think I'm destined for a life of singledom.......?

Chat is a bad idea I think, people just don't respond to it. Sure I even have my chat offline on the likes of FB! It's more an interruption really and just not that effective.

My best response rates have come from writing a medium-length message that is light-hearted and references something that is not too obvious in their profile (i.e. not the first thing you reckon everyone else is talking to them about)...

smallgarden

chat works if youve sent few messages first, rarely works straight off the bat

Mental Mickey

riveratom wrote: »

Chat is a bad idea I think, people just don't respond to it. Sure I even have my chat offline on the likes of FB! It's more an interruption really and just not that effective.

My best response rates have come from writing a medium-length message that is light-hearted and references something that is not too obvious in their profile (i.e. not the first thing you reckon everyone else is talking to them about)...

I have had NO SUCCESS with women whatsoever............be it online or in real life, so I really don't have a bloody CLUE what to say/do????:(

HellFireClub

riveratom wrote: »

It has everything to do with the analogy I was making. The thing is, OD is just the same as any endeavour in life - you put your best face and foot forward, you put the effort in, you position yourself to get the most out of it, and you ditch what doesn't work and focus on what does.

The analogy is very sound. Basically, everyone knows that online dating can work very well indeed. I think the latest stat I saw was that in Ireland alone, approx 30-40% of couples now meet online. In fact, it might be even higher. And what I'm driving at with the analogy is that just as everyone knows that OD can work very well, they also know that working out 'works' if you are overweight.

So, if someone is going to the gym and not losing weight, would you say it's because exercise doesn't work, or because they are maybe missing a trick and not putting enough into it?

The thing is, if you are meeting someone where you get a dodgy vibe off them and have to leave after 10 minutes, I would really wonder about why you came to the decision to meet them in the first place. I mean, were you having a good conversation prior to that?!

The other thing is that I have never had a problem with representing myself online. People don't act suspicious when I meet them, so could it be that you are putting something out there that makes them feel a bit uneasy? Which then leads to dates that aren't that great?

Now on the above, maybe it's got to do with being older, I'm early 30s myself - but perhaps when people get closer to 40 there is more baggage (not you, just people in general around that age), and maybe there is more cause for people to be wary.

One thing for sure though - you have to be open to the possibility that it's not OD that's at fault, and that it could be down to something you might be doing or not doing instead.

You wouldn't find 3% of guys on here who would report the same success rate and agree, let alone 30%, so I dunno where you are pulling your "statistic" from... Has there been any credible survey done in relation to OD? Nope, not as far as I'm aware, I think you might have picked up that "statistic" from an ad on the radio that, surprise surprise, has launched a website that is actually an introduction agency!

I suppose all the other people on here who have completely abandoned it as a means of meeting someone for a relationship, I suppose they are all doing something wrong as well, yeah?!? :rolleyes:

smallgarden

maybe guys on this thread are more the exception than the rule

HellFireClub

smallgarden wrote: »

id wonder are people really suspicious or are you assuming they are, and i dont think ive ever questioned whether peope are single, have no kids in person, maybe people think youre too good to be true which id take as a compliment

It's not that I'm "too good to be true", I'm certainly not all that, but I have noticed in the past, that I've had girls ignore me, after them starting a conversation with me, when I wouldn't add them on Facebook, we did that to death here a month or so ago and the in's and out's of that. The rationale on the part of girls who did that, (discontinued a conversation when you wouldn't add them on FB this side of meeting them), is that I clearly had something to hide. Nothing could have been further from the truth, as I argued previously on here, take me as you find me or don't bother with me at all...

Then only this week I had a girl throw her toys out of the pram because I wasn't prepared to meet her after what were between 5 and 10 messages exchanged over a 24 hour period.

Girls I've been on dates with, have asked how come I haven't any kids, as if I'm shooting blanks or something. That has been a subject of some particular inquiry on some dates, although I've been meeting girls my own age and have blocked new mails from girls who smoke and who have kids, so it begs the question how come the girls who were so curious about me not having had any children, are not more accepting of this fact, given that they themselves haven't had any children, despite being of a similar age to me?!?!?

The whole thing is just one big web of mind games and second guessing, which I don't think is the way romance is meant to be. Were it not for this offline development in my life, I'd still be at it, I had a date agreed in principle for next week, won't be going on that now which is a pity because I seriously fancied that girl, but sure you make your bed and you lie in it as the phrase goes. And no, I didn't send her a departing mail before I deleted my account, what's the point.