The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

smallgarden

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

The Dagda

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

But they just did the normal thing, gave people the benefit of the doubt, and understood that some people find writing messages difficult, they wouldn't be able to come on here moaning! :rolleyes:

miamee

But what's the appropriate answer to 'hey, how are you?'
'Great thanks, how are you?'
'Great'
'...'
'...'
'What are you up to?'
IMO as soon as you enter the what are you doing now territory, the conversation is already dead. With online you have so much more info at your fingertips about someone before you contact them that a simple 'hey, how are you?' strikes some as a bit lazy really. In real life you have to work to get that info, in OD it's right there so you can jump into a somewhat interesting conversation. It's the reason we all bothered to fill in our profiles.

mood

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

I don't either. All the dates I've had from dating sites started with short first emails. A long first email doesn't mean someone is very keen / interesting / more genuine etc.

mood

miamee wrote: »

But what's the appropriate answer to 'hey, how are you?'
'Great thanks, how are you?'
'Great'
'...'
'...'
'What are you up to?'
IMO as soon as you enter the what are you doing now territory, the conversation is already dead. With online you have so much more info at your fingertips about someone before you contact them that a simple 'hey, how are you?' strikes some as a bit lazy really. In real life you have to work to get that info, in OD it's right there so you can jump into a somewhat interesting conversation. It's the reason we all bothered to fill in our profiles.

This has only happened me once. When a few email are exchanges and the ice is broken emails get longer or more frequent. Dismissing someone because of a short first email is ridiculous I think.

The Dagda

miamee wrote: »

But what's the appropriate answer to 'hey, how are you?'
'Great thanks, how are you?'
'Great'
'...'
'...'
'What are you up to?'
IMO as soon as you enter the what are you doing now territory, the conversation is already dead. With online you have so much more info at your fingertips about someone before you contact them that a simple 'hey, how are you?' strikes some as a bit lazy really. In real life you have to work to get that info, in OD it's right there so you can jump into a somewhat interesting conversation. It's the reason we all bothered to fill in our profiles.

Because the person who sends the short first message is just looking for an answer to a question?! :rolleyes:

It's a dating site, the first message is just an ice breaker, they've initiated contact because their interested, if you're interested start a conversation, if you're not interested don't.

Esoteric_

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

At the same time, you don't go around in real life with a placard telling people your interests, what you're like as a person, etc, so there is very little to be said but 'How are you?' in person.

Online, if you spend time detailing your hobbies, personality traits, talking about yourself on your profile, anyone who reads your profile has a lot more to go on than just how you look, so they can easily say more than 'Hey, how are you?'

I don't think it's the length of the message that counts, it's the acknowledgement that someone actually read your profile and isn't just going on how you look. Saying something like 'Hey how are you? You like *insert band here*? Me too, what else do you like?' takes about 5 seconds more, but shows that they actually read your profile. If you wanted to sell yourself purely on looks, you'd post a picture on a blank profile, but if you write about yourself on your profile, you probably want to be judged on your personality too, not just how you look.

smallgarden

miamee wrote: »

But what's the appropriate answer to 'hey, how are you?'
'Great thanks, how are you?'
'Great'
'...'
'...'
'What are you up to?'
IMO as soon as you enter the what are you doing now territory, the conversation is already dead. With online you have so much more info at your fingertips about someone before you contact them that a simple 'hey, how are you?' strikes some as a bit lazy really. In real life you have to work to get that info, in OD it's right there so you can jump into a somewhat interesting conversation. It's the reason we all bothered to fill in our profiles.

you can ask people about their profile once you get past the initial pleasantries as it shows possible interest from both parties. i think peoples expectations of online dating are so much higher than irl. start up a conversation and go where it takes you rather than having so much preconceptions. if you ask them about specifc things on their profile then you could be leading the conversation down an area you want to go and the other person mightnt want to discuss it so can work against you.ive had people mention stuff on my profile that just irriatates me as their trying to be funny, when a simple hello,how are you might have got me interested

Larianne

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

But Online Dating is not real life. Here, you have a person's profile which may be quite detailed telling you what interests they have. They are giving you a head start as in to what questions to ask, find out about.

Any time I've replied to those "Hey, how are you?" mails have always been boring back and forth mails.

Oh, basically what Miamee has said above!

Larianne

smallgarden wrote: »

you can ask people about their profile once you get past the initial pleasantries as it shows possible interest from both parties. i think peoples expectations of online dating are so much higher than irl. start up a conversation and go where it takes you rather than having so much preconceptions. if you ask them about specifc things on their profile then you could be leading the conversation down an area you want to go and the other person mightnt want to discuss it so can work against you.ive had people mention stuff on my profile that just irriatates me as their trying to be funny, when a simple hello,how are you might have got me interested

The wonderful world of online dating!! Everyone is different!

ViveLaVie

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hello,how are you and take it from there. people seem to have too many minor criteria like too short message, spelling errors etc.if you like a person reply,if you dont, dont,never mind all the other little things. youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

I also don't understand why people instantly dismiss messages with spelling mistakes or bad grammar. Personally, I wouldn't be a fan but I wouldn't reject someone based on it. Some people are just bad spellers and/or might be dyslexic. It's not a big deal and the person might be genuinely lovely and/or super smart aside from that.

mood

Larianne wrote: »

But Online Dating is not real life. Here, you have a person's profile which may be quite detailed telling you what interests they have. They are giving you a head start as in to what questions to ask, find out about.

Any time I've replied to those "Hey, how are you?" mails have always been boring back and forth mails.

Oh, basically what Miamee has said above!

That hasn't been my experience at all. I meet some nice guys who send very short first emails. If I only replied to long first email I won't have had any dates. I used a paid site which didn't have the huge amount of members as the free sites so had less options. Maybe with the free site you can afford to be that picky.

sharper

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? you hardly walk up to someone in real life and be like youre wearing a blue tracksuit youre favourite colour must be blue,you start with a simple hellos

Written and verbal communication are completely different mediums. You say "Hello" in real life to get someone's attention so they know you're subsequent comments are directed at them. You say "hello", wait for acknowledgement and then continue on in real time. "Hello"/"How are you"/"Great how are you"/etc passes in 20 seconds.

In writing that same exchange might take three days. If you start off a mail with "Hello" you can assume their attention and continue without acknowledgement to talk about their tracksuit or favourite colour or whatever.

People complain about "How are you?" messages because they're completely useless. You can't actually talk about how you are because anything except "grand" will make people run for the hills. They also ignore the effort people go to in order to make their profiles and provide others with information.

The Dagda

LyndaMcL wrote: »

At the same time, you don't go around in real life with a placard telling people your interests, what you're like as a person, etc, so there is very little to be said but 'How are you?' in person.

Online, if you spend time detailing your hobbies, personality traits, talking about yourself on your profile, anyone who reads your profile has a lot more to go on than just how you look, so they can easily say more than 'Hey, how are you?'

I don't think it's the length of the message that counts, it's the acknowledgement that someone actually read your profile and isn't just going on how you look. Saying something like 'Hey how are you? You like *insert band here*? Me too, what else do you like?' takes about 5 seconds more, but shows that they actually read your profile. If you wanted to sell yourself purely on looks, you'd post a picture on a blank profile, but if you write about yourself on your profile, you probably want to be judged on your personality too, not just how you look.

Why do you need "acknowledgement that they read your profile"? What's that got to do with a relationship? If you're interested engage with them, if you're not, don't.

Blaming the quality of their messages is just an excuse. I hope anyway. If people are really dismissing potential dates simply on the quality of their messages, it's sad.

Larianne

mood wrote: »

That hasn't been my experience at all. I meet some nice guys who send very short first emails. If I only replied to long first email I won't have had any dates. I used a paid site which didn't have the huge amount of members as the free sites so had less options. Maybe with the free site you can afford to be that picky.

Oh, I wouldn't dismiss a short mail if it was a question about something on my profile or a witty remark. Those long first mails where a person details their own interests is offputting. Just as much as a "Hi sexy" mail is.

mood

Larianne wrote: »

Oh, I wouldn't dismiss a short mail if it was a question about something on my profile or a witty remark. Those long first mails where a person details their own interests is offputting. Just as much as a "Hi sexy" mail is.

Those tend to be a copy and paste anyway! I would ignore the 'hi sexy ones' but not 'hi, how are you'. If a guy references something in my profile it doesn't mean he is more likely to be nice, funny etc IMO.

Larianne

mood wrote: »

Those tend to be a copy and paste anyway! I would ignore the 'hi sexy ones' but not 'hi, how are you'. If a guy references something in my profile it doesn't mean he is more likely to be nice, funny etc IMO.

Yes, that's true but you will be looking at their profile also - their interests, how they worded their profile, the tone of it and of course, their photos. So, you're taking that all in.

I'm probably going to contradict myself here somewhat but if someone had a decent profile that interested me and sent me a "Hey, how are you?" mail I probably would respond. But that would be few and far between. Basically, sending just a "Hey, how are you?" mail rather than a mail referencing something in the profile, something witty, would be less likely to get a reply from me.

sffc

Changing tack completely - ( heard this first message debate million times) .
Does anybody else feel the "Does not want children " option is too blunt and sounds like you wouldn't date anyone with kids. In my own case I have two and my gf whom I met on pof has two aswell. We both don't want more children (than four) alright but we both had the problem of what option to chose when making up our profile. Thankfully good communication sorted things out and we are now just over six wonderful months together. Just saying basically that the options didn't express what we were looking for.

Larianne

The Dagda wrote: »

Why do you need "acknowledgement that they read your profile"? What's that got to do with a relationship? If you're interested engage with them, if you're not, don't.

Blaming the quality of their messages is just an excuse. I hope anyway. If people are really dismissing potential dates simply on the quality of their messages, it's sad.

But that's all you've got to go on with Online dating.

mood

Larianne wrote: »

Yes, that's true but you will be looking at their profile also - their interests, how they worded their profile, the tone of it and of course, their photos. So, you're taking that all in.

I'm probably going to contradict myself here somewhat but if someone had a decent profile that interested me and sent me a "Hey, how are you?" mail I probably would respond. But that would be few and far between. Basically, sending just a "Hey, how are you?" mail rather than a mail referencing something in the profile, something witty, would be less likely to get a reply from me.

Some times profile can be misleading. One guy who contacted me had a good profile, stated that he wanted a relationship etc. After 3 or 4 emails it was clear he only wanted a sh*g... and asap. While profile are a good guideline you can't take what is written in then as gospel. Exchanging email tells you more about the person I think.

The Dagda

Larianne wrote: »

But that's all you've got to go on with Online dating.

You just admitted above you'd reply to a short message if you like the profile. So it's obviously not ALL you have to go on!?!.

And anyway i'm talking about people complaining a short first message. If subsequent messages don't float your boat move on.

Daveysil15

smallgarden wrote: »

i still dont get peoples issues with hey,how are you messages? youre seriously limiting yourself if rule people out for little things

smallgarden wrote: »

you can ask people about their profile once you get past the initial pleasantries as it shows possible interest from both parties. i think peoples expectations of online dating are so much higher than irl.

I agree with this, especially the parts in bold. The thing is... if everyone was to reference something from your profile then that might get a bit boring and generic too. You'd be answering the same questions over and over. And it seems to be the person who initiates first contact who has to put in the most effort.

mood

sffc wrote: »

Changing tack completely - ( heard this first message debate million times) .
Does anybody else feel the "Does not want children " option is too blunt and sounds like you wouldn't date anyone with kids. In my own case I have two and my gf whom I met on pof has two aswell. We both don't want more children (than four) alright but we both had the problem of what option to chose when making up our profile. Thankfully good communication sorted things out and we are now just over six wonderful months together. Just saying basically that the options didn't express what we were looking for.

I think that question varies a bit form site to site. As a women in my early 30s who wants it's important for me to see what answer a guy has filled in. I am looking for a proper relationship so I don't get in touch with guy who don't want kids or who don't answer the question. I am surprised at the amount of guys who leave this blank, or who don't know if they want kids. Surely in your 30s and 40s you should know!

smileyj1987

sffc wrote: »

Changing tack completely - ( heard this first message debate million times) .
Does anybody else feel the "Does not want children " option is too blunt and sounds like you wouldn't date anyone with kids. In my own case I have two and my gf whom I met on pof has two aswell. We both don't want more children (than four) alright but we both had the problem of what option to chose when making up our profile. Thankfully good communication sorted things out and we are now just over six wonderful months together. Just saying basically that the options didn't express what we were looking for.

The best way around it is to mention you have children in your profile and put in something like " If you want to date me you have to know I have got children already and its not really in my plans to have anymore " To me that would be the best way of going about it because you are being honest and it would be unfair to lead somebody on .

mood

smileyj1987 wrote: »

The best way around it is to mention you have children in your profile and put in something like " If you want to date me you have to know I have got children already and its not really in my plans to have anymore " To me that would be the best way of going about it because you are being honest and it would be unfair to lead somebody on .

Yes. I know a girl who's ex lead her to believe he would marry and have kids again. A few year into the relationship he told her the truth. Very, very unfair to her.

smallgarden

if i get a message, i read the message, look at their profile and if like the profile i reply to the message, if i dont i dont, simple! i rule people in or out based on their profile rather than the message intitially and then if messages not going anywhere i rule them out on that basis or if they are i meet up with them and rule them in or out on that basis

Larianne

The Dagda wrote: »

You just admitted above you'd reply to a short message if you like the profile. So it's obviously not ALL you have to go on!?!.

And anyway i'm talking about people complaining a short first message. If subsequent messages don't float your boat move on.

It really depends on the message.

Daveysil15 wrote: »

I agree with this, especially the parts in bold. The thing is... if everyone was to reference something from your profile then that might get a bit boring and generic too. You'd be answering the same questions over and over. And it seems to be the person who initiates first contact who has to put in the most effort.

It shouldn't have to be like that. If it ends up being like that then the person you're mailing ain't all that interested.

The Dagda

Larianne wrote: »

It really depends on the message.

You've already admitted you'd reply to a "how are you?" message if you liked the profile so obviously it doesn't depend on the message?

sharper

The Dagda wrote: »

You've already admitted you'd reply to a "how are you?" message if you liked the profile so obviously it doesn't depend on the message?

She said she'd reply to a short message if it came from a good profile, that's different to saying she'd reply to any message.

"How are you?" suggests someone is at least literate versus say "h r u bebe lol"

The Dagda

sharper wrote: »

She said she'd reply to a short message if it came from a good profile, that's different to saying she'd reply to any message.

"How are you?" suggests someone is at least literate versus say "h r u bebe lol"

We're talking about short messages, not text speak, or "any" messages. Why are you confusing the issue?