The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

yeahimhere

knucklehead6 wrote: »

How long have you been chatting to this guy? If it was only that day/weekend and he can't meet for another 2 weeks i wouldn't go agreeing to anything.

You could meet someone online (or in 3D world) at anytime over the next 2 weeks and just 'click'

2 weeks is a bloody eternity in OD time.

Yup, it was just an initial chat on the Saturday and then a few long messages on the Sunday and he asks me out. ( I'll just pretend that he was impressed by my pictures and didn't want anyone else to snap me up :P )

But yea, thought it was odd myself so went with my gut and suggested chatting for those two weeks and then deciding in between that time if we should go a head or not.

But I'm assuming it's because he was saying he's starting a new job and that he'd be up the walls for those two weeks, so just in case he wasn't online so didn't want to give off the impression he wasn't interested. Trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but don't think that one will lead to a meet up.

Daveysil15 wrote: »

A lot of the "hi, how are you?" messages are probably from guys who started off with good intentions and made an effort with messages at the begining, but when they were getting no replies, resorted to carpet bombing. It's understandable.

However on POF it says that no matter how good your first message is, if your profile is not great it won't matter. I usually make a decent effort with messages, but I've noticed that almost all of the replies I got were from women praising me on my profile, saying it was very witty and funny. So the message probably didn't matter much in most cases. A couple of times I got lazy and sent a few short messages, but still got replies because they liked my profile.

I half agree with the first bolded part - I think 50% (who are decent guys) do that and the other 50% (who I feel, think like they don't need to make an effort - "sure it's online dating, all the wimmens are desperate!" brigade) just carpet bomb and play the odds.

Totally agree with the second bolded part though. If I get one of those messages, I do check the profile and see what's there. My thought process goes;

1. Within my preferred age group (albeit even a few years either side)
2. If they have a picture & doesn't totally turn me off / no picture but some private ones available.
3. Written more than two lines; (getting into sub points now!)
- It doesn't contain the generic "I hang out with me mates & love stuff etc - sure ask me if you want to know me" type stuff
- show's they're taking it seriously and have some personality
- have something in there that I can relate to

Then I will message back and see what happens.

Mr_Spaceman

miamee wrote: »

Surely there is a happy medium where you show a modicum of interest in a lady's profile without having to craft a novella in the first message?

I realise it is still time-consuming but two or three lines should be sufficient to say 'hello, I liked this about you/your profile, ask question, hope to hear from you'. That's what I usually try anyway when messaging men. That's not to say it's very successful but I mostly get replies when I show a genuine interest in something on a man's profile. Even if the replies are of the thanks but I've just started seeing someone/decided to delete my profile/dog ate my keyboarggghhh variety.

Well, for the purposes of time saving I might try that. It can't be any worse than the present sham.

I should add that my messages aren't that long - usually a couple of pars.

Not that it will be anytime soon, I'm taking a break for a week or so as the lack of a single reply is really doing my head in.

It's a joke actually. But hey, 'where have all the good men gone' blah, blah.

:rolleyes:

Galvasean

miamee wrote: »

Surely there is a happy medium where you show a modicum of interest in a lady's profile without having to craft a novella in the first message?

I realise it is still time-consuming but two or three lines should be sufficient to say 'hello, I liked this about you/your profile, ask question, hope to hear from you'.

That's more or less what I do. A few sentences to show that I've paid attention when reading the profile with a question or two thrown in for good measure as an incentive for them to reply.
The reply rate is still comically low though. That's why I generally don't log in for more than five minutes or so at a time anymore. I might find a profile or two to mail. I might not. At least this way I'm not left ruing any large amount of time that feels wasted. 5 minutes wasted here and there doesn't have the same 'ouch' impact as spending up to an hour searching/mailing with no results.

Mr_Spaceman

Galvasean wrote: »

That's more or less what I do. A few sentences to show that I've paid attention when reading the profile with a question or two thrown in for good measure as an incentive for them to reply.
The reply rate is still comically low though. That's why I generally don't log in for more than five minutes or so at a time anymore. I might find a profile or two to mail. I might not. At least this way I'm not left ruing any large amount of time that feels wasted. 5 minutes wasted here and there doesn't have the same 'ouch' impact as spending up to an hour searching/mailing with no results.

That's pretty much all I'm doing as well.
Still all very frustrating to say the least.

Blacktie.

Galvasean wrote: »

That's more or less what I do. A few sentences to show that I've paid attention when reading the profile with a question or two thrown in for good measure as an incentive for them to reply.
The reply rate is still comically low though. That's why I generally don't log in for more than five minutes or so at a time anymore. I might find a profile or two to mail. I might not. At least this way I'm not left ruing any large amount of time that feels wasted. 5 minutes wasted here and there doesn't have the same 'ouch' impact as spending up to an hour searching/mailing with no results.

Yep same here. 3 lines is more than long enough to devote to someone who chances are won't reply. I do spend a bit more time flicking through profiles but it's generally while I'm doing something else. I am relatively new to all this though.

knucklehead6

If you are getting that disillusioned with it (& god knows I'm not far off it myself) then it's time to take a break.

Leave your profiles active, but don't log on for a while. Give it a week, a fortnight, a month. Give yourself some time to rebuild the confidence, because it DOES take a battering, constantly getting no replies, or getting to date 1 or 2 or 3 and it not going any further.

Take a break, take it easy on yourselves. Otherwise you'll be driven demented by it, and end up hating the very idea of meeting new people through OD.

Then, once the batteries have been recharged, and the self confidence and self belief is back (and there's the natural attrition of users, with newbies coming online) it mightn't seem as bad or as hard.

Galvasean

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

That's pretty much all I'm doing as well.
Still all very frustrating to say the least.

I find limiting time spent on the sites helps limit said frustration. 5 minutes on OKC (if there's any new profiles to check that is) followed by 5 minutes on POF is enough for me. Personally I used to say to myself, "I'm not logging out until I achieve something here", which was a very bad idea and just drove me to distraction.

Denerick

For those of you who may be interested, I eventually did meet up with the person I mentioned a few pages back. Turns out we had nothing to talk about, didn't like each other very much, and really were both glad when the whole thing was over. Disillusioned is a very mild way of putting it. Disabled my OD account for a while, might get back to it in a while when I'm feeling more optimistic.

mood

Denerick wrote: »

For those of you who may be interested, I eventually did meet up with the person I mentioned a few pages back. Turns out we had nothing to talk about, didn't like each other very much, and really were both glad when the whole thing was over. Disillusioned is a very mild way of putting it. Disabled my OD account for a while, might get back to it in a while when I'm feeling more optimistic.

You are not going to get on with everyone you meet just like you won't get on with everyone you walk over to in a pub etc. You might get a feeling you will get on from emails exchanged but you never know until you meet. Don't let you expectation run too high and don't take it all so seriously.

Galvasean

Denerick wrote: »

For those of you who may be interested, I eventually did meet up with the person I mentioned a few pages back. Turns out we had nothing to talk about, didn't like each other very much, and really were both glad when the whole thing was over. Disillusioned is a very mild way of putting it. Disabled my OD account for a while, might get back to it in a while when I'm feeling more optimistic.

It's always quite crumy when that happens. Hence why I'm in the meet sooner rather than later camp. It means you're less likely to build up an unrealistic interpretation of the person before you meet them.

Shapey Fiend

It's a bit surprising that so few women respond to messages alright. The few that have usually write about 5 words back with little to carry the convo on with and that includes a couple who were meant to be journalists/writers! I don't care much it's not like real life rejection but you'd wonder what they're on the site for if conversation is too much commitment. I'll keep plugging away anyway.

mood

Make sure you are what someone is looking for before wasting time contacting them eg in the age bracket they specified, you are not living the other end of the country, want the same things etc.

Galvasean

mood wrote: »

Make sure you are what someone is looking for before wasting time contacting them eg in the age bracket they specified, you are not living the other end of the country, want the same things etc.

Ah here, don't be patronising. I'm pretty sure everybody here is too long in the tooth to be doing that.

mood

Galvasean wrote: »

Ah here, don't be patronising. I'm pretty sure everybody here is too long in the tooth to be doing that.

I don't mean to be patronising but form my experience well over half the messages I got were for men who were not in the age bracket I specified (and it way quite wide) or living too far away or from smokers (which is a big no no for me) etc so obviously plenty of people ignore this stuff.

Jogathon

Shapey Fiend wrote: »

It's a bit surprising that so few women respond to messages alright. The few that have usually write about 5 words back with little to carry the convo on with and that includes a couple who were meant to be journalists/writers! I don't care much it's not like real life rejection but you'd wonder what they're on the site for if conversation is too much commitment. I'll keep plugging away anyway.

Actually, I'm just too shy to reply. I've just joined and can't bring myself to reply to a message or to even look at guys profiles cos they'll know I was looking!!! I'm completely confident in person so I'm sure I'll adjust soon enough.

Galvasean

Jogathon wrote: »

Actually, I'm just too shy to reply. I've just joined and can't bring myself to reply to a message or to even look at guys profiles cos they'll know I was looking!!! I'm completely confident in person so I'm sure I'll adjust soon enough.

I don't understand. Sure, if someone messages you and you like the look of them why not message back? You've nothing to lose.

Jogathon

Galvasean wrote: »

I don't understand. Sure, if someone messages you and you like the look of them why not message back? You've nothing to lose.

I know. I get to it. But I might just procrastinate for another little while too. I'll have to do it with a glass of wine I think! Totally immature I know.

Galvasean

Shapey Fiend wrote: »

It's a bit surprising that so few women respond to messages alright.

It is a bit surprising alright. When I browse through OKC the vast majority (at least 90%) are all 'replies very selectively'. The next most common is, unsurprisingly, yellow for 'replies selectively'. It seems the only green 'replies regularly' are brand new users who haven't had a chance to not reply yet (They tend to turn yellow, then red soon enough).
Apparently the site does have 4 guys for every woman so it's probably natural enough that they wouldn't be replying to everyone. I'd love to know what the reply ratio difference between 'selectively' and 'very selectively' is.
Or are guys also very predominantky 'replies very selectively'?

LegacyUser

Galvasean wrote: »

It is a bit surprising alright. When I browse through OKC the vast majority (at least 90%) are all 'replies very selectively'. The next most common is, unsurprisingly, yellow for 'replies selectively'. It seems the only green 'replies regularly' are brand new users who haven't had a chance to not reply yet (They tend to turn yellow, then red soon enough).
Apparently the site does have 4 guys for every woman so it's probably natural enough that they wouldn't be replying to everyone. I'd love to know what the reply ratio difference between 'selectively' and 'very selectively' is.
Or are guys also very predominantky 'replies very selectively'?

I wouldn't put much weight in those labels, girl here and when i used the site, it seems that once you've been on the site for a while and you go over a certain number of messges in your inbox (not sure how many exactly) if you didn't reply to the last message you recieved within 24 hours you are deemed to reply 'selectively' ... which went up to 'replies very selectively' the more messages you recieve and don't reply to after that. This happened me despite the fact that I replied to loads of guys and eangaged in loads of conversations, but all those "hey babes, wana chat xx"/penis pic messages you don't reply to push you over their selectively/very selectively mesage quotas very quickly. So yeah I wouldn't let that put you off sending someone a message!

Honey-ec

Jogathon wrote: »

Actually, I'm just too shy to reply. I've just joined and can't bring myself to reply to a message or to even look at guys profiles cos they'll know I was looking!!! I'm completely confident in person so I'm sure I'll adjust soon enough.

Seriously? I think maybe OD isn't for you, then. Do you think they're going to burst out of the screen going "Caught you looking!!!"???

sharper

Jogathon wrote: »

Actually, I'm just too shy to reply. I've just joined and can't bring myself to reply to a message or to even look at guys profiles cos they'll know I was looking!!! I'm completely confident in person so I'm sure I'll adjust soon enough.

I know it seems scary and foreboding at first. There are a few things to remember though:

-The people you're talking to don't know what they're doing any more than you do.

-They're just as scared and anxious as you are and they've taken the extra step of messaging you which is even more scary

-99.99% of your interactions will go absolutely nowhere. At best you'll have a couple of exchanges and then you'll really you have nothing to talk about and no further interest.

Daveysil15

Shapey Fiend wrote: »

It's a bit surprising that so few women respond to messages alright. The few that have usually write about 5 words back with little to carry the convo on with and that includes a couple who were meant to be journalists/writers! I don't care much it's not like real life rejection but you'd wonder what they're on the site for if conversation is too much commitment. I'll keep plugging away anyway.

That almost always seems to be the case with me too. Even women that have been interested and have agreed to go on a date with me, usually only replied with a few words to every message. I would ask about something in their profile and then they would answer but never seem to have any questions of their own.

I ask, they answer... I send a few sentences, they reply with a few words... You can only pick out so many things from their profile and you can only ask so many questions. Sometimes I think to myself..."What do I say now?" The Q&A game can only go on so long, the only thing left at that stage is to ask her out on a date.

Galvasean wrote: »

It is a bit surprising alright. When I browse through OKC the vast majority (at least 90%) are all 'replies very selectively'. The next most common is, unsurprisingly, yellow for 'replies selectively'. It seems the only green 'replies regularly' are brand new users who haven't had a chance to not reply yet (They tend to turn yellow, then red soon enough).

That's one of the reasons why I left OKC. Between that and all the frivolous questions and compatibility tests. There's just waaaaaay to much thinking and over-analysing on that site.

Shapey Fiend

Galvasean wrote: »

Apparently the site does have 4 guys for every woman so it's probably natural enough that they wouldn't be replying to everyone.

Well that does make sense. I'm a firm believer in ratios mattering. I've a ton more success approaching women (or gasp, them even approaching me) in somewhere like Dublin than I do back home in bogland. Particularly as I dress a bit hipster. I had a girl offer me her number the other week and then express disappointment when I said I wasn't gay. And that's not the first time. I need to just be a bit more proactive about going places where women are hanging out. The kind of bars I like do not attract them in numbers.

Itwasntme.

Random notes:

- According to my extensive research, the most common name on POF is David. If your name's not David, you're not a real person;
- All the men are athletic. What? You don't think being an ardent football fanatic makes one athletic? Well boo you;
- Tineye is your friend. Once bitten, twice shy; fool me once and all that jazz and I still got played!;
- Seriously, you are not 5' 9. I am 5 almost 8 and I am taller than you. And no, it's not because I have big hair. Stop saying you're 5'9. I don't really care but I am going to start caring real soon if you don't get over it;
- I don't want to see your penis. I am sure you think it's wonderful but I'll pass, thank you very much.

Daveysil15

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Random notes:

- According to my extensive research, the most common name on POF is David. If your name's not David, you're not a real person;
- All the men are athletic. What? You don't think being an ardent football fanatic makes one athletic? Well boo you;
- Tineye is your friend. Once bitten, twice shy; fool me once and all that jazz and I still got played!;
- Seriously, you are not 5' 9. I am 5 almost 8 and I am taller than you. And no, it's not because I have big hair. Stop saying you're 5'9. I don't really care but I am going to start caring real soon if you don't get over it;
- I don't want to see your penis. I am sure you think it's wonderful but I'll pass, thank you very much.

Yep, you just described me there - except for the flashing of the penis of course.

crapmanjoe

So think I've been discriminated twice based on nationality in the last week.

Was messaging 2 girls, had got as far as agreeing to go for drinks and then while arranging time / place I mentioned in a message that I was Irish (didn't want to surprise them by turning up and having a "funny" accent and suddenly radio silence from them both.

mood

crapmanjoe wrote: »

So think I've been discriminated twice based on nationality in the last week.

Was messaging 2 girls, had got as far as agreeing to go for drinks and then while arranging time / place I mentioned in a message that I was Irish (didn't want to surprise them by turning up and having a "funny" accent and suddenly radio silence from them both.

If you live in Ireland most people on the dating site would be Irish so I wouldn't think that would be the reason. Do you live somewhere else?

crapmanjoe

mood wrote: »

If you live in Ireland most people on the dating site would be Irish so I wouldn't think that would be the reason. Do you live somewhere else?

Yeah probably should have said that in my post - live in the US.

Galvasean

That's odd. I thought the yanks loved the Irish...

mood

crapmanjoe wrote: »

Yeah probably should have said that in my post - live in the US.

In that case all I can think is they might assume you are a heavy drinker which you probably aren't :rolleyes:. Maybe mention in your profile that you are Irish to prevent this happening again. However, there maybe other reason for the lack of contact. Maybe they have had other dates that went well therefore they are no longer keen to meet you.