The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

SpaceRocket

What a long thread....
I have a quick question if anyone has any advice... In relation to replying to messages, I have always gone with the notion that it is simpler and quicker to only reply to a message if i am interested in the other person, whether its the content of the message, or their profile etc.
I have recieved a lot of abuse from time to time from various people peeved that i haven't messaged them back. Am i being very rude here? I would have thought that seeing as how i'm on a "dating" site that there would be absolutely no point in me replying to someone if i did not wish to "date" them, I can't understand why I would be oblidged reply to them? Am i in the norm here or is there an online dating etiquate which i'm going against?!? Sorry if this has been asked before, 'tis a lot of reading to get through!

Galvasean

SpaceRocket wrote: »

What a long thread....
I have a quick question if anyone has any advice... In relation to replying to messages, I have always gone with the notion that it is simpler and quicker to only reply to a message if i am interested in the other person, whether its the content of the message, or their profile etc.
I have recieved a lot of abuse from time to time from various people peeved that i haven't messaged them back. Am i being very rude here? I would have thought that seeing as how i'm on a "dating" site that there would be absolutely no point in me replying to someone if i did not wish to "date" them, I can't understand why I would be oblidged reply to them? Am i in the norm here or is there an online dating etiquate which i'm going against?!? Sorry if this has been asked before, 'tis a lot of reading to get through!

People's opinions differ, but I'm in the camp where I would rather not be replied to at all than replied to by someone who had no intention of dating me - getting false hope up and all that jazz.
I used to reply to people I wasn't interested in, but have stopped for this reason. I would hate to build someone's hopes up only to dash them.
You quickly forget the person you mailed but didn't reply, but your mind lingers on the person you thought you were making a decent connection with.

G-Money

My own preference is to not get a reply if a girl isn't interested. I don't need or want to see it written down that she's not interested. I'm not quite sure I understand other people's need to be rejected straight up tbh.

Galvasean

G-Money wrote: »

My own preference is to not get a reply if a girl isn't interested. I don't need or want to see it written down that she's not interested. I'm not quite sure I understand other people's need to be rejected straight up tbh.

I can only assume they are looking for a reply, any sort of a reply, to use as a segway to win them over with their charm?

Stuck Cone

Galvasean wrote: »

I can only assume they are looking for a reply, any sort of a reply, to use as a segway to win them over with their charm?

Use more charm than poor clarence anyway!!

G-Money

Galvasean wrote: »

I can only assume they are looking for a reply, any sort of a reply, to use as a segway to win them over with their charm?

Perhaps.

Although I always think it's a case of "They mustn't mean it if they can't tell me to my face/If I make them tell me to my face, there's a good chance they won't go through with it".

I sort of don't care a lot of the time. I kinda just think "Fair enough, I'll just meet someone else". But I guess it's easier to think like that on dating sites where you've easy contact with a lot of other people.

Real life is more difficult and I'm yet to land a date from that

SpaceRocket

Glad to hear i'm not the only one. I would never have the heart to message someone saying thanks but no thanks, i think its needlessly hurtful. In fact i could imagine recieving an even bigger onslaught of abuse coming from such a reply... Don't understand why some would wish for a reply in black and white as to why i feel they are not a suitable match..
(Although saying that, I did once reply to a guy who had messaged me who i had thought had an awesome profile and similar interests etc... but then i noticed one of his okcupid answers, he was a homophobe.. could not bite my tongue in that instance and told him know why i wasn't interested but apart from that i have never seen the need.)

Polloloca

So, I took down my photos and changed my status to "not single/not looking" as I no longer have an interest in meeting anybody from it.

I've gotten more mails since I removed my photos than i have with them up!! Ugly much? Haha.

I recieved an abrupt message from an Arab man this am demanding I sent him a picture. I wrote back and said no, that I wasn't interested which led to a series of abusive mails telling me how ugly I must be should I not want to show him my face I will admit to replying with a childish message, something along the lines of "ugly like your mom" and in the next mail he went into detail telling me his mom was long since dead and asked me when I would die? Then told me how he'd like to kill me.

I blocked him after that. It's just made me realise it's not all nice guys, it's not even all sleezy guys and while that man prob meant no harm, you really have no idea what kind of nut you're really speaking to.

I'm finished with online dating. I'm clearly too ugly for it!

Galvasean

Are you kidding me? If someone threatens to kill you you should not simply block that person, YOU MUST REPORT THAT USER. The guy sounds like an absolute psychopath and needs to be curtailed for everyone's safety.

SpaceRocket

pollo i've been sent comments like that before too, it really freaked me out but i blocked and reported the individuals right away, and also took my photos down for awhile just in case. It's scary to think there are people out there who are so volatile. Puts you off the whole online thing but thankfully its only the odd few here and there.

Hardonraging

SpaceRocket wrote: »

What a long thread....
I have a quick question if anyone has any advice... In relation to replying to messages, I have always gone with the notion that it is simpler and quicker to only reply to a message if i am interested in the other person, whether its the content of the message, or their profile etc.
I have recieved a lot of abuse from time to time from various people peeved that i haven't messaged them back. Am i being very rude here? I would have thought that seeing as how i'm on a "dating" site that there would be absolutely no point in me replying to someone if i did not wish to "date" them, I can't understand why I would be oblidged reply to them? Am i in the norm here or is there an online dating etiquate which i'm going against?!? Sorry if this has been asked before, 'tis a lot of reading to get through!

I'd always prefer a " i'm not interested" as opposed to nothing at all, i'm grown up enough to accept not everybody is attracted to each other ...
However that being said, not everybody is as easy going as i am.. so i can see why some of the ladies get crazy msg's from guy's ..

ladylost

Had a date last night. He was very nice and we chatted no problem. Jury out though. Will need to meet again to see if there is anything there.

SpaceRocket

Hardonraging wrote: »

I'd always prefer a " i'm not interested" as opposed to nothing at all, i'm grown up enough to accept not everybody is attracted to each other ...
However that being said, not everybody is as easy going as i am.. so i can see why some of the ladies get crazy msg's from guy's ..

I feel that a lot more angsty replies would only come out of 'I'm not interested' as opposed to no reply. And who would you send that to? The guy who just says 'hiya', or the one who puts a lot of thought and effort into the message, both? I'd feel so rude saying "I'm not interested" to the latter without an explation.

ladylost

I'd prefer someone comes back and says they are not interested especially if we have been messaging a bit and then it stops suddenly. It would just make it easier and clearer rather than me giving the benefit of the doubt and waiting for a reply that's not coming for whatever reason. Find it happens when pics are shared or meeting up is being discussed.

Hardonraging

SpaceRocket wrote: »

I feel that a lot more angsty replies would only come out of 'I'm not interested' as opposed to no reply. And who would you send that to? The guy who just says 'hiya', or the one who puts a lot of thought and effort into the message, both? I'd feel so rude saying "I'm not interested" to the latter without an explation.

Either Or.. if you'r not attracted to a person, have the decency and maturity to say so ... if they abuse you, so be it, block them, report them.

ladylost wrote: »

I'd prefer someone comes back and says they are not interested especially if we have been messaging a bit and then it stops suddenly. It would just make it easier and clearer rather than me giving the benefit of the doubt and waiting for a reply that's not coming for whatever reason. Find it happens when pics are shared or meeting up is being discussed.

The weird none replies are just so annnoying, it's alost as if all the effort you put in to getting to know somebody ment nothing..

gem81

Hi, I am very new to POF - first time trying out online dating so am a bit shy about it all!! So got message from a guy which was nice. I had not pics up as it was my 1st night to join. Nesxt day I posted pics & replied to his message. Got another from him & I replied on Mon. I saw him online yesterday but I was only on for a sec as I was in work. Anyway heard nothing back - so as I am totally new to this do you reckon he is not interested!! Pity cause he seemed so genuine & nice. Thanks

Hardonraging

gem81 wrote: »

Hi, I am very new to POF - first time trying out online dating so am a bit shy about it all!! So got message from a guy which was nice. I had not pics up as it was my 1st night to join. Nesxt day I posted pics & replied to his message. Got another from him & I replied on Mon. I saw him online yesterday but I was only on for a sec as I was in work. Anyway heard nothing back - so as I am totally new to this do you reckon he is not interested!! Pity cause he seemed so genuine & nice. Thanks

General rule i'd apply is give him/her a day or two... and drop him/her a "hey whats new" msg .. especially as contact has been made ..

If you get no reply, then so be it, chalk it down and move on ..

boredatwork82

Question - why don't people put their preference for been let down on their profile?

Please don't reply if your not interested, or I would appreciate a reply with not interested, if your not interested- I won't be offended!

It might solve a lot of confusion, because it always pops up here, and its split down the middle really.

SpaceRocket

Hardonraging wrote: »

Either Or.. if you'r not attracted to a person, have the decency and maturity to say so ... if they abuse you, so be it, block them, report them.

Would you really go so far as to say that I have been indecent and immature by not replying to someone to say I'm not interested? Honestly?
I've gotten a few messages to that effect in the past, and worse, which is why i asked the question here.

Oh I don't know... i see online dating as a light hearted thing that has the potential to turn into more, I personally don't feel oblidged to reply to everyone. I have sometimes left my profile for a few weeks for whatever reason too and lost track of what messages/profiles i had/hadn't read, so there is also that.


"The weird none replies are just so annnoying, it's alost as if all the effort you put in to getting to know somebody ment nothing.."

This has happened to me a couple times, in one case the guy came back to say that he had really hit it off with a girl he had met so felt it inapropriate to continue messaging me on the dating site, was delighted for him, we still keep in contact now via email as we have loads in common! Another guy had technical difficulties when he reappeared after a couple weeks. Then vanished again. I'm trying not to take the whole thing too seriously :cool:

Hardonraging

boredatwork82 wrote: »

Question - why don't people put their preference for been let down on their profile?

Please don't reply if your not interested, or I would appreciate a reply with not interested, if your not interested- I won't be offended!

It might solve a lot of confusion, because it always pops up here, and its split down the middle really.

Nine times out of ten a guy will skim your profile for key words .. i know i do, but horses for course's and all that ..

I'd also say of those who actually read the profiles, only about 1/3 of those will actually remember to say they are not interested ..

And the not interested stage comes when a picture has been reviled ..

ladylost

boredatwork82 wrote: »

Question - why don't people put their preference for been let down on their profile?

Please don't reply if your not interested, or I would appreciate a reply with not interested, if your not interested- I won't be offended!

It might solve a lot of confusion, because it always pops up here, and its split down the middle really.

Well I think I might do as someone else suggested here and put it in my message when I send a pic to please just reply and let me know if I'm not their type and no hard feelings. May or may not work but worth a try

Galvasean

Hardonraging wrote: »

And the not interested stage comes when a picture has been reviled ..

That's one of the reasons (probably the main reason) I have my pictures up on public display. It means I don't have to go through the trouble of sending a couple of messages before someone realises they aren't into me physically and disappears (now they just disappear for much less obvious reasons :pac:).

gem81

Thanks Hardonraging. Do you think it is ok to send another one to say hey whats up or is it best left alone if he wants he can reply. Wouldnt like him to feel pressured into answering me if he wants interested! Thanks for your reply

SpaceRocket

boredatwork82 wrote: »

Question - why don't people put their preference for been let down on their profile?

Please don't reply if your not interested, or I would appreciate a reply with not interested, if your not interested- I won't be offended!

It might solve a lot of confusion, because it always pops up here, and its split down the middle really.

THIS should be one of the first questions they ask on those questionaires, instead of all that "are you the eldest" stuff.

With regards to the pictures ladylost, I had untill recently my POF pics hidden the whole time and would always include a photo in first message to anyone to avoid that very situation!

Hardonraging

Galvasean wrote: »

That's one of the reasons (probably the main reason) I have my pictures up on public display. It means I don't have to go through the trouble of sending a couple of messages before someone realises they aren't into me physically and disappears (now they just disappear for much less obvious reasons ).

i'm sure it works perfectly, however others prefer to keep a little mystery ...

gem81 wrote: »

Thanks Hardonraging. Do you think it is ok to send another one to say hey whats up or is it best left alone if he wants he can reply. Wouldnt like him to feel pressured into answering me if he wants interested! Thanks for your reply

Give him a day or so .. if he's been online and not said nout, i'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt...but i'd still be watching for signs that's he's only after one thing and he's playing you as a plan B ..

I'm painting a bad picture here, and im a guy ..

SpaceRocket wrote: »

THIS should be one of the first questions they ask on those questionaires, instead of all that "are you the eldest" stuff.

With regards to the pictures ladylost, I had untill recently my POF pics hidden the whole time and would always include a photo in first message to anyone to avoid that very situation!

It's acceptable for women to not have a picture on display, but to sent one as the first msg. however as a guy, if i msg a woman who has no picture, i'm always weary of sending my picture .. comes back to the fact there's a truck load of weirdo's out there ...

ladylost

Galvasean wrote: »

That's one of the reasons (probably the main reason) I have my pictures up on public display. It means I don't have to go through the trouble of sending a couple of messages before someone realises they aren't into me physically and disappears (now they just disappear for much less obvious reasons :pac:).

It's definitely easier to have pics up but for me I just know too many people on it and don't want my pic up there. I usually send it by message without being asked as you can't contact me without a picture so it's only fair. Again the restricted contact is to avoid embarrassing situations with people I know or work with and even still I got chatting with a guy and turns out we work in the same place
Got a message from a guy the other night asking me for a pic so thought it was a bit shallow asking for pic without any other effort at conversation or comment on my profile but sent him pics. Never heard from him again. I am amazed how much people (guys & girls) base on pictures. I was assuming he liked my profile if he asked. Least he could do was thank me for sending pic and say I'm not his type

Honey-ec

Imo there's a big difference between not responding to someone in the first place, and messaging someone for a while and then suddenly just ignoring them.

Regarding the pics, I don't reply to anyone who doesn't have one/send it with the first message. I've been caught out once or twice before with getting chatting to someone with no pic, they send it on after a couple of days and you don't fancy them in the least and believe me, it's awkward avenue.

Honey-ec

ladylost wrote: »

It's definitely easier to have pics up but for me I just know too many people on it and don't want my pic up there.

I don't really get this, I have to admit. If someone you know sees you on it, it's because they're on it too, so what's the big deal?

Galvasean

ladylost wrote: »

Got a message from a guy the other night asking me for a pic so thought it was a bit shallow asking for pic without any other effort at conversation or comment on my profile but sent him pics. Never heard from him again. I am amazed how much people (guys & girls) base on pictures. I was assuming he like my profile if he asked. Least he could do was thank me for sending pic and not his type.

For me personally such a situation would be just too awkward. In such a case it's obvious that its the image they don't like. At least when it's my profile, message and pictures being judged so it's easier to fob off. If I sent someone a picture and they replied, "Oh right, well, I don't fancy you" my confidence would be absolutely crushed.

chocolatrose

Hardonraging wrote: »

i'm sure it works perfectly, however others prefer to keep a little mystery ...

I don't really understand why some people would see keeping yourself a mystery an option. I get why you might not want photo's up because of people you know finding you on there but it really does make things awkward if you start chatting with someone only later to exchange photo's and realise then that attraction isn't there because at the end of the day attraction has to be there. There is no point denying it so it just makes things run a whole lot smoother when everyone know from the get go what you are getting in the looks stakes. That isn't being shallow because attractiveness is subjective but it does matter.