The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

HellFireClub

mood wrote: »

Well if I was on a date and a guy on talking bout all the dates he has lined up I wouldn't just walk out. I would make my excuses after 15 mins and leave. Storming out would be a bit OTT.

I didn't mean "storming out", I meant that it's probably serving no good purpose continuing with the date and sitting in each others company. If I was out on an internet date and found myself listening to a girl telling me about her next date, I'd be making my excuses and leaving. Nobody goes on a date, internet date or otherwise, to be listening to the other person's future dating plans. Someone who has this attitude to dating is being very disingenuous I think. I think the chances of running into this scenario can be considerably reduced by only meeting someone after you've spent some time messaging them (2 weeks at least), so that you have a chance to get to know them and what they are interested in, etc. I'm not saying that that is a hard and fast rule, but there are ways and techniques that can be used to reduce your exposure to the flakier side of OD I think...

Chet Zar

HellFireClub wrote: »

I didn't mean "storming out", I meant that it's probably serving no good purpose continuing with the date and sitting in each others company. If I was out on an internet date and found myself listening to a girl telling me about her next date, I'd be making my excuses and leaving. Nobody goes on a date, internet date or otherwise, to be listening to the other person's future dating plans. Someone who has this attitude to dating is being very disingenuous I think. I think the chances of running into this scenario can be considerably reduced by only meeting someone after you've spent some time messaging them (2 weeks at least), so that you have a chance to get to know them and what they are interested in, etc. I'm not saying that that is a hard and fast rule, but there are ways and techniques that can be used to reduce your exposure to the flakier side of OD I think...

So a way of reducing your exposure to the flakier side of online dating is to have a prolonged 2+ week chat with a complete stranger, before you find out after you meet them maybe 3 weeks later, that they are the flaky sort?

The way to reduce your exposure to that is to chat for 2-3 days (not weeks!), meet up, see if there is a spark and if there is something there, and if not - move on.

Piliger

Chet Zar wrote: »

The way to reduce your exposure to that is to chat for 2-3 days (not weeks!), meet up, see if there is a spark and if there is something there, and if not - move on.

I agree wholeheartedly. A couple of messages and whooosh straight to coffee. What is the point otherwise ? If there is no chemistry then it's all wasted no matter how well you get on through messages.

Piliger

G-Money wrote: »

I think I'm giving POF until the weekend and then I'm going to suspend the account. The girl I want to mail me back hasn't so either she hasn't been online, or she has and is ignoring me. Either way, I'm not waiting around forever.

Do remember that not everyone is online every day. And sometimes people have family crisis. I don't doubt what you say, but just keep that in mind.

andreac

So, just wondering, regarding the guy i dont really feel anything for. Do you think i should send a text and say that i dont feel it can go anywhere, or would you wait and see if he contacts me and say then? He could be feeling the same and maybe waiting to see if i get in touch as well....

It was left that we didnt know when we would meet up again so not sure if i just should say something now so hes not wondering if we are going to meet again, god i hate this part of dating

Hardonraging

andreac wrote: »

So, just wondering, regarding the guy i dont really feel anything for. Do you think i should send a text and say that i dont feel it can go anywhere, or would you wait and see if he contacts me and say then? He could be feeling the same and maybe waiting to see if i get in touch as well....

It was left that we didnt know when we would meet up again so not sure if i just should say something now so hes not wondering if we are going to meet again, god i hate this part of dating

Grab that bull by the horns honey, but try and be nice about it .. had a nice time, but were just not ment to be, wishing you all the luck .. .etc..

HellFireClub

Chet Zar wrote: »

So a way of reducing your exposure to the flakier side of online dating is to have a prolonged 2+ week chat with a complete stranger, before you find out after you meet them maybe 3 weeks later, that they are the flaky sort?

The way to reduce your exposure to that is to chat for 2-3 days (not weeks!), meet up, see if there is a spark and if there is something there, and if not - move on.

I think the point I was trying to make is that if you are still chatting to someone after 1-2 weeks, then you're more likely to have discovered that you some things in common with them, that you actually have something to talk about, should you meet up. I wouldn't just exchange a few short mails with someone and then go on a date with them, I'm not saying that it doesn't work this way for others but it's just not how I personally have done it in the past. Then and again, what someone does with their time, and their life, and by that, I mean what they do in their spare time (hobbies and interests) and what they do in their career in terms of where they are currently at, or else their career aspirations, would be something that I would put a very strong emphasis on in terms of what I'd be looking for in a partner. Don't get me wrong, I'd have to be attracted to them as well, and obviously that would have to be a two way thing.

HellFireClub

andreac wrote: »

So, just wondering, regarding the guy i dont really feel anything for. Do you think i should send a text and say that i dont feel it can go anywhere, or would you wait and see if he contacts me and say then? He could be feeling the same and maybe waiting to see if i get in touch as well....

It was left that we didnt know when we would meet up again so not sure if i just should say something now so hes not wondering if we are going to meet again, god i hate this part of dating

Sure if you don't hear from him again, problem solved I'd say... Some people just cop the lack of a connection or a spark, some need it spelled out for them, I'd assume the former unless I was getting asked out on another date to be honest.

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

I think the point I was trying to make is that if you are still chatting to someone after 1-2 weeks, then you're more likely to have discovered that you some things in common with them, that you actually have something to talk about, should you meet up. I wouldn't just exchange a few short mails with someone and then go on a date with them, I'm not saying that it doesn't work this way for others but it's just not how I personally have done it in the past. Then and again, what someone does with their time, and their life, and by that, I mean what they do in their spare time (hobbies and interests) and what they do in their career in terms of where they are currently at, or else their career aspirations, would be something that I would put a very strong emphasis on in terms of what I'd be looking for in a partner. Don't get me wrong, I'd have to be attracted to them as well, and obviously that would have to be a two way thing.

The trouble is you can establish all the common interests in the world, but if there isn't a spark when you meet in person ... it's all for nothing. That is the reality of life. Better to get out of the house and meet a real person and ask all of those questions in person.

HellFireClub

Piliger wrote: »

The trouble is you can establish all the common interests in the world, but if there isn't a spark when you meet in person ... it's all for nothing. That is the reality of life. Better to get out of the house and meet a real person and ask all of those questions in person.

I hear ya, each to their own though, some people prefer fewer dates with what they perceive to be more suitable people, with respect to what they are looking for themselves after having taken some time to suss them out through discussion, others wouldn't bother with that and would just go directly to dates, which they would go on more often. Whatever works for you is what you run with, I'd personally be highly p*ssed off if I had the experience that some posters on here have had, especially with regard to being used to pay for drinks/dinners by some POF users who are making mugs out of lads. I'm the kind of person who would have a huge issue with that if it were to happen to me, because I'd see it as being disingenuous, so I'd be a more cautious dater than most.

jayteecork

Hi guys.

What's genuinely the best dating site? I've had a look at Plenty of Fish but it really is the bottom of the barrel.

I don't mind paying a (reasonable) subscription fee.

Thanks. (sorry I know the answers are in this thread somewhere but I don't really have time to be reading back through 171 pages)

Colours

I got back on the OD wagon a few months ago and I dip in on this thread every so often. I met a lovely guy a couple of years ago on POF but unfortunately it fizzled out due to differences we had about what you'd call daily lifestyle habits. I'd rate POF the best out of the other OD sites I've tried which are AF, OKC and Parship. I've established my own code of conduct in what I do before, during and after a date where the underlying principle is simply to treat others as I'd like to be treated myself. With this in mind I pay my way during a date and wouldn't ever expect the guy to pay for my drinks or ticket or whatever; in fact it would make me feel uncomfotable and undermined if he did pay for me. The other thing I do is acknowledge the guy after the date by messaging him usually on the OD site or else on his mobile if we've exchanged numbers. In this message I thank him for meeting up with me which I say I enjoyed and then if I didn't feel any spark with him then I'll say it in as gentle, tactful and inoffensive way as I can. It's completely alien to me to hurt someone's feelings in this sort of way, possibly because I am extremely sensitive myself, so quite often I can go to the other extremely where I'm not only trying to convince him that it's me, not him, that's not worthy but that I'm actually a bit of a fruit and nut and that he had a lucky escape! I do prefer to give this feedback though, whatever the type, rather than just going blank and ignoring him as I feel that's a bit disingenious after you've just spentthe best part of an hour if not more chatting away with that person.

miaowsky

So there I was in the gym this evening when across the weights sections I catch this guys eye, he looks mighty familiar, and he throws me a wink.
I spend the rest of the time trying to figure out where I know him from......when it hits me....POF!

BUT not only did I message him first, he did not reply.

Most importantly, he has absolutely no business to be winking at me in the gym!!

Chet Zar

HellFireClub wrote: »

I think the point I was trying to make is that if you are still chatting to someone after 1-2 weeks, then you're more likely to have discovered that you some things in common with them, that you actually have something to talk about, should you meet up. I wouldn't just exchange a few short mails with someone and then go on a date with them, I'm not saying that it doesn't work this way for others but it's just not how I personally have done it in the past. Then and again, what someone does with their time, and their life, and by that, I mean what they do in their spare time (hobbies and interests) and what they do in their career in terms of where they are currently at, or else their career aspirations, would be something that I would put a very strong emphasis on in terms of what I'd be looking for in a partner. Don't get me wrong, I'd have to be attracted to them as well, and obviously that would have to be a two way thing.

I know what you mean, but I wouldn't really agree - it doesn't take 1-2 weeks to discover if you have stuff in common with someone, for me it would take a couple of emails and a look over their profile. Plus, you might have relatively little in common with someone (e.g. they are sporty, you are not, you have travelled a lot, they have not, etc), and still meet up and get on really great.

The thing is, you might put a lot of emphasis on a certain quality, but that may not matter a single jot when you meet the person and go on a few dates. You might meet someone who is happy to just clock in and clock out of work and who isn't all that career-minded, and be really attracted to them.

Everyone is different, but there is no denying that chemistry and whether there is a 'fit' becomes apparent when you meet and in subsequent dates, not over a 2-3 week period chatting to someone over emails. So you could spend all that time chatting and thinking your getting on great, and then you meet and there is no spark.

ladylost

Piliger wrote: »

I agree wholeheartedly. A couple of messages and whooosh straight to coffee. What is the point otherwise ? If there is no chemistry then it's all wasted no matter how well you get on through messages.

That doesn't seem to be how it works for me. I seem to be spending weeks mailing. Even my second date last night took weeks to organize the first meet up. I asked a guy out pretty quickly lately and he said yes and then the following day he said he'd have to postpone and hasn't bothered to reply to my mails since so I guess he was either scared off or found someone he felt a better option. He's still online a lot though I see! Don't know why people won't give other people a chance on these sites. A coffee is harmless enough. Hardly going to kill anyone but they may be pleasantly surprised!
Sorry, rant over

HellFireClub

Chet Zar wrote: »

I know what you mean, but I wouldn't really agree - it doesn't take 1-2 weeks to discover if you have stuff in common with someone, for me it would take a couple of emails and a look over their profile. Plus, you might have relatively little in common with someone (e.g. they are sporty, you are not, you have travelled a lot, they have not, etc), and still meet up and get on really great.

The thing is, you might put a lot of emphasis on a certain quality, but that may not matter a single jot when you meet the person and go on a few dates. You might meet someone who is happy to just clock in and clock out of work and who isn't all that career-minded, and be really attracted to them.

Everyone is different, but there is no denying that chemistry and whether there is a 'fit' becomes apparent when you meet and in subsequent dates, not over a 2-3 week period chatting to someone over emails. So you could spend all that time chatting and thinking your getting on great, and then you meet and there is no spark.

I could find someone attractive, I could meet them and have a "spark", but I might not want to end up with them for loads of reasons. Here's a pure example, I met a girl recently, I don't think I ever before experienced chemistry or attraction like it, we both knew and admitted there was HUGE chemistry going on between us and there was a very strong mutual attraction to each other. But would I go out with her, or even entertain a relationship with her, NO, not a hope! Why not?!? Because although we had chemistry that we both knew was really strong, she was not long term relationship material, (she admitted this herself, commitment issues, didn't want to settle down, this that and the other)...

So it isn't all about chemistry as is often stated on here, you can have the chemistry and attraction in buckloads but yet sometimes it still won't compute, especially when you are looking for something more durable and long term I think, many people are simply afraid of commitment these days, and I have to say I wouldn't blame them, when I see the stuff that goes on around me sometimes (not an auld lad!).

HellFireClub

ladylost wrote: »

That doesn't seem to be how it works for me. I seem to be spending weeks mailing. Even my second date last night took weeks to organize the first meet up. I asked a guy out pretty quickly lately and he said yes and then the following day he said he'd have to postpone and hasn't bothered to reply to my mails since so I guess he was either scared off or found someone he felt a better option. He's still online a lot though I see! Don't know why people won't give other people a chance on these sites. A coffee is harmless enough. Hardly going to kill anyone but they may be pleasantly surprised!
Sorry, rant over

Been there, have the tee-shirt. A bit of me is starting to think that genuine romance just isn't compatible with the internet.

Chet Zar

HellFireClub wrote: »

I could find someone attractive, I could meet them and have a "spark", but I might not want to end up with them for loads of reasons. Here's a pure example, I met a girl recently, I don't think I ever before experienced chemistry or attraction like it, we both knew and admitted there was HUGE chemistry going on between us and there was a very strong mutual attraction to each other. But would I go out with her, or even entertain a relationship with her, NO, not a hope! Why not?!? Because although we had chemistry that we both knew was really strong, she was not long term relationship material, (she admitted this herself, commitment issues, didn't want to settle down, this that and the other)...

So it isn't all about chemistry as is often stated on here, you can have the chemistry and attraction in buckloads but yet sometimes it still won't compute, especially when you are looking for something more durable and long term I think, many people are simply afraid of commitment these days, and I have to say I wouldn't blame them, when I see the stuff that goes on around me sometimes (not an auld lad!).

That's a slightly different argument though - that is more to do with what happens after you meet them, after the initial few meetings. I'm just saying that you can start to build assumptions about the other person if you are spending ages emailing back and forth, which can be quickly shattered once you sit down over a drink with them. Not least of which is how different they may look to their uber-flattering profile pictures!!

Manach

Chet Zar wrote: »

Not least of which is how different they may look to their uber-flattering profile pictures!!

... but honestly that photoshoping was to just to make my image look like my favourite film star - Peter Lorre

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

So it isn't all about chemistry as is often stated on here, you can have the chemistry and attraction in buckloads but yet sometimes it still won't compute, especially when you are looking for something more durable and long term I think, many people are simply afraid of commitment these days, and I have to say I wouldn't blame them, when I see the stuff that goes on around me sometimes (not an auld lad!).

I don't agree at all. No one here ever said it is all about Chemistry.

What I and others said is that Chemistry is a deal breaker. That is a big difference. It is self evident for most people that Chemistry alone is not enough for a relationship. But no relationship can thrive without it.
I also don't believe people are any different about commitment. I see no difference between online dating and real life dating except there is a vast amount of time hanging around pubs and nightclubs saved.

if people are cautious they should well be. People shouldn't dive into relationships without due caution otherwise we just end up hurt and confused.

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

Been there, have the tee-shirt. A bit of me is starting to think that genuine romance just isn't compatible with the internet.

Sorry ... but this just doesn't add up to any kind of examination. People are people no matter where they meet or where they are from.

I don't see what romance is missing unless you mean the romance of months and months of hanging around pubs or clubs or boring parties with friends and half friends and friends of friends hoping to meet someone and then finding they are in a relationship.

The romance comes after meeting someone special and huge percentages of people are now finding special relationships through online dating.

It is what you make of it. Like anything else in life.

Mr_Spaceman

Piliger wrote: »

I agree wholeheartedly. A couple of messages and whooosh straight to coffee. What is the point otherwise ? If there is no chemistry then it's all wasted no matter how well you get on through messages.

"Whooosh straight to coffee"

Kinda reminds me of Galvasean's comment - "She'll get coffee and like it!"

:pac:

Seriously though, it's better to meet up sooner rather than later, in my opinion.

Mr_Spaceman

ladylost wrote: »

A coffee is harmless enough. Hardly going to kill anyone but they may be pleasantly surprised!

I totally agree with this. Life's a risk.

"You know... it's like just a coffee, it's not setting up home together!"

*sigh*

Hardonraging

jayteecork wrote: »

Hi guys.

What's genuinely the best dating site? I've had a look at Plenty of Fish but it really is the bottom of the barrel.

I don't mind paying a (reasonable) subscription fee.

Thanks. (sorry I know the answers are in this thread somewhere but I don't really have time to be reading back through 171 pages)

Thats much like saying what's the best model of Car... some people use pof, other use OKC, other's use a pay service, it's personal preference.

andreac

Ok, well looks like im going to have to have the chat...:( He rang me last night but i was out with my mam so couldnt answer. Think a little text saying, "i dont see it going anywhere romantically as im just not feeling it" has to be sent today, god i hate this part of dating

lilmissprincess

Just joined to see what all the fuss was about and am already messaging two seemingly nice guys!

kiddums

lilmissprincess wrote: »

Just joined to see what all the fuss was about and am already messaging two seemingly nice guys!

Yea I joined at the weekend for pretty much the same reason and I'm only getting round to messaging someone now.:o
Just waiting to see if I get a reply now, not a whole lot of people in my area tho.

Larianne

andreac wrote: »

Ok, well looks like im going to have to have the chat...:( He rang me last night but i was out with my mam so couldnt answer. Think a little text saying, "i dont see it going anywhere romantically as im just not feeling it" has to be sent today, god i hate this part of dating

Send it now. Don't leave the poor guy hanging. All that has to be said is "I've enjoyed your company but I don't feel we'd work out romantically. Best of luck with the dating". As an adult, he should be able to handle that. If not, well screw him.

I have a date Friday.

Chet Zar

andreac wrote: »

Ok, well looks like im going to have to have the chat...:( He rang me last night but i was out with my mam so couldnt answer. Think a little text saying, "i dont see it going anywhere romantically as im just not feeling it" has to be sent today, god i hate this part of dating

Presume the 'I'm just not feeling it' part is not something you'd actually put in a text, but more a placeholder for what you will actually write

But yeah, definitely do it now as it's late already!

andreac

Yeah thats just the jist of it but think ill say what Larianne said, thats nice.

Suppose theres no easy way to tell someone you dont fancy them,lol.