The Online Dating Thread 3..**READ 1ST POST Oct 2012**

Galvasean

HellFireClub wrote: »

But when it comes to internet dating, it seems to me that if the chemistry isn't there immediately on the first date, then the potential for anything to ever happen in terms of a romance, is completely written off?!?

I have to agree with this. I was on a date about a week ago - a quick coffee, lasted no more than 45 minutes. Got the usual "You're a nice guy but I don't feel any spark" text soon after. While I appreciate when a girl goes to the trouble to let me know (as opposed to going into hiding) I could not help but feel somewhat bemused as to how someone could decide whether there was potential or not after such a short period of time (bear in mind we had a nice chat and got along very well). I honestly wonder what are people expecting/hoping for when meeting someone, to be swept off their feet in a matter of moments? It strikes me as being a tad unrealistic.

JennyBurke101

Where the hell is my Christian Bale type guy on these sites???? All I seem to get is guys like 10-30 years older than me messaging me This online thing is going so awful for me lately its unreal

Zhora

Galvasean wrote: »

I have to agree with this. I was on a date about a week ago - a quick coffee, lasted no more than 45 minutes. Got the usual "You're a nice guy but I don't feel any spark" text soon after. While I appreciate when a girl goes to the trouble to let me know (as opposed to going into hiding) I could not help but feel somewhat bemused as to how someone could decide whether there was potential or not after such a short period of time (bear in mind we had a nice chat and got along very well). I honestly wonder what are people expecting/hoping for when meeting someone, to be swept off their feet in a matter of moments? It strikes me as being a tad unrealistic.

I agree, it seems everything has to be instant these days, even the elusive spark. It's a misconception or lack of understanding on the part of both sexes that relationships and getting to know if someone is a suitable partner takes time and a willingness to be open to the possibilities.

I think the online dating was a lot different a few years ago, from what I've been told. What happened in the meantime?

DerekDGoldfish

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

Where the hell is my Christian Bale type guy on these sites???? All I seem to get is guys like 10-30 years older than me messaging me This online thing is going so awful for me lately its unreal

A violent man who keeps secrets from those close to him, is obsessed with the past and constantly walks out of the room in the middle of the conversation I cant see why women would want that?

Maybe its because he is rich and has a cool car, women are so shallow.

missrandomer

HellFireClub wrote: »

We've all heard the stories of people falling completely in love with someone that they genuinely didn't expect to ever end up in a romance with at all. This to my mind, seems to be the way the world turns more than otherwise, I don't think I've ever heard of a serious romance blossoming out of two people working off a checklist and more or less insisting that chemistry exists from the first date. That to my mind, is pretty much perpendicular to what romance is really about, (in my opinion).

ive been following this thread for a while as i was thinking of goin down the road of OD, but this was one of the things that was delaying me. As in my opinion, would we not be always trying to strive for the perfect person, the one as you say ticks all the boxes on the checklist. And in that, chemistry is not something that we can pin point as such. It happens in a fleeting moment.

Romance & chemistry cannot be found by what job someone dose or what movies they watch or how funny people think they are, but in the small things, that another person picks up on, i dont know if this can be found by reading about someone or meeting them once. just my opinion anyway

you make good points there HellfireClub thanks

HellFireClub

Galvasean wrote: »

I have to agree with this. I was on a date about a week ago - a quick coffee, lasted no more than 45 minutes. Got the usual "You're a nice guy but I don't feel any spark" text soon after. While I appreciate when a girl goes to the trouble to let me know (as opposed to going into hiding) I could not help but feel somewhat bemused as to how someone could decide whether there was potential or not after such a short period of time (bear in mind we had a nice chat and got along very well). I honestly wonder what are people expecting/hoping for when meeting someone, to be swept off their feet in a matter of moments? It strikes me as being a tad unrealistic.

I have to say, the whole experience I've had with OD, (and I've to clarify here that I had much better success with it before than I've had more recently on here that I posted about), but the whole thing to me seems to be completely at odds with how I think humans really want to find true romance.

I think (speaking as a guy), that women using the site are in the large, chasing completely unrealistic expectations in relation to how they reckon that they want a romantic encounter to unfold for them, (reading the profiles, it's as if they expect what you could only describe pretty much as an "on-demand" phenomena), as opposed to how I think it actually tends to pan out in real life, which is that true and proper romance will usually appear in front of you in the very last place you will expect to find it.

On the footer of almost every profile I've read on POF is: "Where to on a first date?!? Anywhere but the cinema because you can't talk there, but coffees or drinks in a nice pub where hopefully we will find that elusive chemistry"...

Does it seem completely wrong to anyone else that this is what the whole OD project exercise seems to boil down to, when you take the coffee and the drinks out of the equation? We all want "that chemistry", but I doubt very much that the circumstances for "finding chemistry" are really very favourable at all when both people are completely nervous at the thoughts of meeting a complete stranger through the internet by appointment, checklists to hand, both parties really I suppose in faultfinding mode, and you really have to head straight to a pub to "settle those first date nerves"?!?

The more I think about it, the more I think that internet dating could actually completely hinder your chances of actually finding true romance, because I now believe that it immerses you in a place where expectations are just completely stupid and far too immediate, and I say this as someone who has had a few really great & memorable dates through POF, (not this time around but previously last summer & the summer previous)...

Morgoth

New to OD, joined POF and sent a few messages. I'm finding it a bit strange tbh. I'd communicate quite a bit with (geographically) distant college friends via email and a lot of work communication is over email / IM. But it's strange trying to find out about someone totally new over POF messages.

Doesn't help that of the half-dozen I've sent messages only one has replied, and with little more than one-liners. :P

I tend to craft mini-essays for my messages. Like I'll pick two or three things about her profile, talk about each of them and try to relate to them a bit, then maybe ask a question at the end of the paragraph to try to develop a conversation. Then maybe also ramble on a bit about something random in my life at the moment that is designed to pique some bit of interest from her.

Is this a good way to typically go about it? Or are shorter opening messages more successful?

Not asking for any key trade secrets here, just some rough suggestions. :-)

HellFireClub

Morgoth wrote: »

New to OD, joined POF and sent a few messages. I'm finding it a bit strange tbh. I'd communicate quite a bit with (geographically) distant college friends via email and a lot of work communication is over email / IM. But it's strange trying to find out about someone totally new over POF messages.

Doesn't help that of the half-dozen I've sent messages only one has replied, and with little more than one-liners. :P

I tend to craft mini-essays for my messages. Like I'll pick two or three things about her profile, talk about each of them and try to relate to them a bit, then maybe ask a question at the end of the paragraph to try to develop a conversation. Then maybe also ramble on a bit about something random in my life at the moment that is designed to pique some bit of interest from her.

Is this a good way to typically go about it? Or are shorter opening messages more successful?

Not asking for any key trade secrets here, just some rough suggestions. :-)

My advice, don't waste your time, (unless you are George Clooney or Brad Pitt), with long elaborative messages, very few will reply, it's just the way it is...

JennyBurke101

DerekDGoldfish wrote: »

A violent man who keeps secrets from those close to him, is obsessed with the past and constantly walks out of the room in the middle of the conversation I cant see why women would want that?

Maybe its because he is rich and has a cool car, women are so shallow.

Lighten up a bit :P


and besides its not because he has a cool car and is rich ...its because he is Batman duh :P

Hardonraging

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

Where the hell is my Christian Bale type guy on these sites???? All I seem to get is guys like 10-30 years older than me messaging me This online thing is going so awful for me lately its unreal

Pm me your profile and i'll give you a few tip's see if we can get you on the road to recovery ok ..

JennyBurke101

Morgoth wrote: »

New to OD, joined POF and sent a few messages. I'm finding it a bit strange tbh. I'd communicate quite a bit with (geographically) distant college friends via email and a lot of work communication is over email / IM. But it's strange trying to find out about someone totally new over POF messages.

Doesn't help that of the half-dozen I've sent messages only one has replied, and with little more than one-liners. :P

I tend to craft mini-essays for my messages. Like I'll pick two or three things about her profile, talk about each of them and try to relate to them a bit, then maybe ask a question at the end of the paragraph to try to develop a conversation. Then maybe also ramble on a bit about something random in my life at the moment that is designed to pique some bit of interest from her.

Is this a good way to typically go about it? Or are shorter opening messages more successful?

Not asking for any key trade secrets here, just some rough suggestions. :-)

My advice would be say something short and sweet ...like " Cool taste in films" or "I like most of the bands you do too!" then leave it ....its nice and sweet but not crazy long or over familiar!

HellFireClub

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

My advice would be say something short and sweet ...like " Cool taste in films" or "I like most of the bands you do too!" then leave it ....its nice and sweet but not crazy long or over familiar!

I think it's just ridiculous in this day and age, considering that it is grown adults here we are talking about, usually in their mid 20's to late 30's, that you would have to massage ego's in this manner, just to get a reply.

JennyBurke101

HellFireClub wrote: »

I think it's just ridiculous in this day and age, considering that it is grown adults here we are talking about, usually in their mid 20's to late 30's, that you would have to massage ego's in this manner, just to get a reply.

No its not ego massaging its a conversation opener...its gives way to saying things like "Oh really thanks, what films are you into?" Then you can send a longer message and add something in about music or whatever but seriously big messages are not great at the start in my opinion -obviously they can get longer/ more personal as conversation continues) also at least if you send a message like that if you don't get a reply its no great loss!

Piliger

Zhora wrote: »

Ahem, I'm old enough to remember dating before the internet and to be honest I don't remember it being this difficult to decipher what a guy's intentions were or whether he liked me or not.

me too but to be honest I remember all the talk from women about waiting to see if a guy called after giving him her number ... so I think nothing has changed much. It's not intentionally nasty ... it's just thoughtlessness ... not much better but I guess not quite as bad

Galvasean

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

My advice would be say something short and sweet ...like " Cool taste in films" or "I like most of the bands you do too!" then leave it ....its nice and sweet but not crazy long or over familiar!

Would that not strike as generic and unoriginal though?

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

I think it's just ridiculous in this day and age, considering that it is grown adults here we are talking about, usually in their mid 20's to late 30's, that you would have to massage ego's in this manner, just to get a reply.

OD is extremely big in the 30s, 40s and 50s age groups now :P

HellFireClub

Piliger wrote: »

OD is extremely big in the 30s, 40s and 50s age groups now :P

I don't think it's really big at all. I'm in my mid 30's and the vast majority of people I know are in relationships and they certainly didn't start off on the internet. If you look at a website like POF from a male user perspective, it's the same female faces on the site for the last 2-3 years, so clearly it isn't a game changer there either or otherwise the women who were on the site 2-3 years ago would have met someone and be in a relationship with them now...

Piliger

Galvasean wrote: »

I have to agree with this. I was on a date about a week ago - a quick coffee, lasted no more than 45 minutes. Got the usual "You're a nice guy but I don't feel any spark" text soon after. While I appreciate when a girl goes to the trouble to let me know (as opposed to going into hiding) I could not help but feel somewhat bemused as to how someone could decide whether there was potential or not after such a short period of time (bear in mind we had a nice chat and got along very well). I honestly wonder what are people expecting/hoping for when meeting someone, to be swept off their feet in a matter of moments? It strikes me as being a tad unrealistic.

While I get what you're saying I don't buy into this whole negative thing about OD.

The problem here I think is the opposite of what people are complaining about. People are expecting way too much from OD.

People - look at the alternative and let's look at it with less romanticism ok ? Talk to people about meeting potential dates in Dublin. Talk about how hard it is. Talk about how they can't find suitable people, have to spend so much time in pubs, clubs, parties, hobbies etc etc etc.
Now think about how most encounters go. Most only involve a short quick chat in a loud environment. A hectic few minutes asking where they are from, do they come here often, who else do they know ... all the usual stuff
What is so fantastic about that ?

With OD yes there are some flaws in it. But at least you get to check out a whole group of people who are in the same plight. You get to find out the basic information about them to decide if they are completely non compatible. And you get to ask them for coffee painlessly. And then you get to have an hour of quiet chat time.

It's bloody brilliant if you ask me ! and you get out what you put in, like a lot of things in life.

So yes people do make instant assessments. But I really do NOT believe that is much different than we do in other situations. Yes people don't reply afterward sometimes. But again this happens all the time in non OD situations !

The thing is OD is not a panacea. It is only a tool. It's not perfect. But non OD is not perfect either.

And like all tools you need to have a selection. No one should ONLY try to meet people online. Everyone should mix OD with real life activities. Be out there to meet people.

HellFireClub

Here's an example of how this OD has gone to the point where it's just ridiculously stupid...

Am looking at a girls profile here on match.com, it says:

29 years old, looking for a man from 25-30.

So any guy 31, 32, 33, a normal enough age I'd say for a guy to be seen with a 29 year old, can't even mail this girl?!?!?

I know, I know, I know, "she doesn't want to date any men older than her", fine, but that's just ridiculous I think, to be narrowing your options to such an extent where people your own age can't even contact you.

Piliger

HellFireClub wrote: »

I don't think it's really big at all. I'm in my mid 30's and the vast majority of people I know are in relationships and they certainly didn't start off on the internet. If you look at a website like POF from a male user perspective, it's the same female faces on the site for the last 2-3 years, so clearly it isn't a game changer there either or otherwise the women who were on the site 2-3 years ago would have met someone and be in a relationship with them now...

I find it completely different. But there you go that's life.

JennyBurke101

Galvasean wrote: »

Would that not strike as generic and unoriginal though?

I can't speak for all women now ...but in my opinion no ....its kinda like, your messaging them, but you are not being needy or anything, just pick something she really seems to like, like if a girl lists off loads of books say something like "Hey, you have pretty great taste in books, I read 50 Shades of Grey (or something more masculine :P) last year, its pretty great and you don't see it on too many peoples lists". Then leave it, don't ask a question!!

or leave it at the one liner...for some reason I am always drawn to messages like that over ones like "Hi I am Rory, you seem pretty cool and interesting, how long have you been on this site? Any luck so far? Did you have a nice weekend/ doing anything nice for the weekend?Well anyway just thought I would say hi, message me if you wanna chat some more ...."

HellFireClub

Piliger wrote: »

While I get what you're saying I don't buy into this whole negative thing about OD.

Well if you are a woman, you wouldn't have a reason to be negative about OD because if you are even half in shape and in any way not unattractive and don't have a caustic profile up, you will have an inbox that will be filling up with mails from guys on the site.

It's a completely different experience for guys using the site, unless you look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, you are wasting your time with it, because you can send out as many mails as you want, you are in essence, being ranked pretty much exclusively in terms of your looks, against everyone else sitting beside you in that inbox.

missrandomer

im just wondering, when on the od sites, would you normally search for people within your area.

im from the country lets say, but i couldn't imagine that there would be many in a od from down here.

(sorry im still trying to figure it all out)

Samich

Mailed a newbie with nothing on her profile last week, got nothing back. Her profile reads "Have a pic when we get talkin...."

So I mailed her just because she's my age and county for a second time "Do you not find me that interesting? " (as why else would someone not reply) and I get back "no, where's your pic".

Sigh sigh sigh! :P

Galvasean

Piliger wrote: »

While I get what you're saying I don't buy into this whole negative thing about OD.

Sorry for snipping out the majority of your post (trying to save space).
I wasn't for a minute defending the 'traditional' Irish method of dating, ie: getting drunk and kopping off. I was merely pointing out that quite a lot of people seem to (unrealistically) expect immediate fireworks when meeting up with someone from OD. The same people may be similar in non OD situations too, which could go some of the way to explaining why they are single I suppose.

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

I can't speak for all women now ...but in my opinion no ....its kinda like, your messaging them, but you are not being needy or anything, just pick something she really seems to like, like if a girl lists off loads of books say something like "Hey, you have pretty great taste in books, I read 50 Shades of Grey (or something more masculine ) last year, its pretty great and you don't see it on too many peoples lists". Then leave it, don't ask a question!!

Ah, I getcha now. Based on your last post I thought you meant messages far more generic than what you have there now.
Why the exclamation on not asking questions though? Surely that would be an incentive for a reply?

JennyBurke101 wrote: »

or leave it at the one liner...for some reason I am always drawn to messages like that over ones like "Hi I am Rory, you seem pretty cool and interesting, how long have you been on this site? Any luck so far? Did you have a nice weekend/ doing anything nice for the weekend?Well anyway just thought I would say hi, message me if you wanna chat some more ...."

Hmm. That's pretty much the exact opposite advice in relation to messaging that pretty much every other girl on this thread has given out. Heck, that hypothetical example you gave could not appear more copy n' paste IMO.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Zhora

HellFireClub wrote: »

Well if you are a woman, you wouldn't have a reason to be negative about OD because if you are even half in shape and in any way not unattractive and don't have a caustic profile up, you will have an inbox that will be filling up with mails from guys on the site.

It's a completely different experience for guys using the site, unless you look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, you are wasting your time with it, because you can send out as many mails as you want, you are in essence, being ranked pretty much exclusively in terms of your looks, against everyone else sitting beside you in that inbox.

Don't agree. I'm a woman, attractive and don't have a caustic profile but my inbox isn't filled up with mails from guys. So what's the deal there? Lol

I don't judge guys on looks and I have to say Brad Pitt and George Clooney looks don't appeal to me. The guys I've emailed back have either engaged with the conversation or not bothered to email again. I'm not expecting to meet 'the one', not that I think there is just one ideal person anyway. I just wish to meet some nice people and see what happens without expecting a romance to blossom. So generalisations about women and men online are not true. Perhaps we all need to do is treat it as a bit of fun, lighten up and enjoy it as just another way of meeting people nowadays.

JennyBurke101

Ah, I getcha now. Based on your last post I thought you meant messages far more generic than what you have there now.
Why the exclamation on not asking questions though? Surely that would be an incentive for a reply?


Exactly but you don't need an incentive for a reply because you have so many girls messaging you *wink, wink*

I jest but seriously act like you don't need an incentive, don't go looking for a reply...like don't be an utter bastard but don't be a push over either!!!

Larianne

Piliger wrote: »

Larianne ... life is TOO SHORT to be a wall flower. Rejection is not a nice feeling but it fades fast, regret lasts a lot longer !

Ah, sure I know that. I'm certainly no a wall flower.

Don't really want to keep posting here seeing as he can stalk me on this thread. But date two tonight, and all things going well (ie I don't break a leg tomorrow), meeting up on Wednesday.

Samich

Larianne wrote: »

Ah, sure I know that. I'm certainly no a wall flower.

Don't really want to keep posting here seeing as he can stalk me on this thread. But date two tonight, and all things going well (ie I don't break a leg tomorrow), meeting up on Wednesday.

Oh he's a boardsie?

HellFireClub

Zhora wrote: »

Don't agree. I'm a woman, attractive and don't have a caustic profile but my inbox isn't filled up with mails from guys. So what's the deal there? Lol

I don't judge guys on looks and I have to say Brad Pitt and George Clooney looks don't appeal to me. The guys I've emailed back have either engaged with the conversation or not bothered to email again. I'm not expecting to meet 'the one', not that I think there is just one ideal person anyway. I just wish to meet some nice people and see what happens without expecting a romance to blossom. So generalisations about women and men online are not true. Perhaps we all need to do is treat it as a bit of fun, lighten up and enjoy it as just another way of meeting people nowadays.

Well I don't agree that having an overall opinion on something in terms of your experience of it, is the same thing a generalisation. If you claim to be into into people of substance rather than beauty, then my experience of POF, is that you are very much in the minority. I personally don't think I'm unattractive, but it seems I might not fit into that top 2% category that seems to be all that matters on POF.