Boy dilemmas - Rejected attempt at saying I love you and Erasmus

rhapsodyinblu

My boyfriend (23) and I (20) have been going out for nearly 5 months. In September I will be going away on Erasmus for the year and he will be studying for his masters.

This morning when we were in bed I told him that I wanted to say something but that I didn't want him to feel he had to say it back if he wasn't ready to. However before I had the chance to tell him that I love him he stopped me in my tracks and told me not to say it. He didn't do a great job of telling me why but amongst the words he tried to utter whilst looking at my rejected looking face was erasmus. He told me that he'd thought about saying it a good bit and that he really cares about me, more than he has for any other girl but the fact that i'll be going away is an issue. We've not talked about it since, he got up to go play golf and I went home. He'll be over this evening but I just don't know how to act around him now. I've got a bad case of feeling rejected here

We've talked about me going away a little and he said when the time comes provided that we're still together he'll come and visit me.

So - I need advice... 1) In the short term aka this evening 2) In the longterm aka erasmus, does this mean he doesnt want to continue our relationship while I'm away?

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

Hey there,

This is the forum for requesting advice on relationship issues. :cool:

Oryx

It sounds like he is very conflicted about you going away, and maybe doesnt want to get in too deep for fear of the hurt it will cause when you leave. I wouldnt see it as a rejection of you at all. You have to understand, you are going away, and thats bound to be tough.

You need to talk to him realistically about whether you two should continue your relationship while you are away, and how you proceed with your relationship in the meantime.

rhapsodyinblu

Oryx wrote: »

It sounds like he is very conflicted about you going away, and maybe doesnt want to get in too deep for fear of the hurt it will cause when you leave. I wouldnt see it as a rejection of you at all. You have to understand, you are going away, and thats bound to be tough.

You need to talk to him realistically about whether you two should continue your relationship while you are away, and how you proceed with your relationship in the meantime.

Thanks very much, you're advice is really logical! I think that its time we talked properly about September on wards.

dellas1979

Eeerr how long is your erasmus?
Oh I see its a year.
Is it Europe? i.e. possible to continue the relationship long distance for a year.

Erasmus is short term future-its something that will end.

You will have to ask him what the issue is with this.

fungun

ah yes, but remember when you were young and a year was such a long time!

I stayed going out with a girl who went on erasmus, spent ages on internet/text, but often not really getting on that great as was a bit strained - esp when say she would have to leave because she was going to the beach with her (male) friends....was difficult being in a ****ty computer room in dublin!! We broke up not long after she came back and probably would have said afterwards we should have broken up for the year. I think both of us would have enjoyed the year more if we had broken up

Just think hard about the realities of being away for that long

rhapsodyinblu

dellas1979 wrote: »

Eeerr how long is your erasmus?
Oh I see its a year.
Is it Europe? i.e. possible to continue the relationship long distance for a year.

Erasmus is short term future-its something that will end.

You will have to ask him what the issue is with this.

I'm going in september and the term ends in june. I'll have a week off at halloween, time off at christmas and a week in february and 2 weeks at easter. I'll be going near enough to Paris, Ryanair fly into beauvais which is about €100 return give or take so I can come home and plan on.

dellas1979

fungun wrote: »

ah yes, but remember when you were young and a year was such a long time!

hehe no I dont.

A year is a year no matter what age you are.

A year might seem longer though, no matter what age, when you are away from a loved one.

rhapsodyinblu

fungun wrote: »

ah yes, but remember when you were young and a year was such a long time!

I stayed going out with a girl who went on erasmus, spent ages on internet/text, but often not really getting on that great as was a bit strained - esp when say she would have to leave because she was going to the beach with her (male) friends....was difficult being in a ****ty computer room in dublin!! We broke up not long after she came back and probably would have said afterwards we should have broken up for the year. I think both of us would have enjoyed the year more if we had broken up

Just think hard about the realities of being away for that long

If we we're to finish it, would you have done it as soon as you knew? As in should we break up now to avoid further heartache? Or wait until its time for me to go? Its like theres a timebomb ticking over us!

fungun

rhapsodyinblu wrote: »

If we we're to finish it, would you have done it as soon as you knew? As in should we break up now to avoid further heartache? Or wait until its time for me to go? Its like theres a timebomb ticking over us!

sorry, i wasnt recommending breaking up really....although i do remember that timebomb feeling

But just know it will be difficult. And moreso for him because in theory you have made the 'choice' to be away from him. But also for yourself - will you not do things/enjoy it less because of him? Will you be able to connect through webcam/skype maybe? Will you actually be able to get a few weekends together? I think some realistic thoughts about what it will be like followed by a good heart to heart with him is the best plan

Piliger

Hi OP ... I know some may disagree with me, including you ... but I really think you should be enjoying life as it is , and not getting so worked up about the future.

Ok, I'm a lot older (male). I've been through these kinds of relationships too. I think sometimes when we are young (and you really are young OP, both of you) you should live life in the moment. There is plenty of time to get all involved with planning the future.

You have June and July and August. Lots of time to enjoy each others company and love. Anything could happen between now and then. Tackle it in August ... you might find both of you feel completely different. You might go off him, he might do the same. You might both fall desperately and even more deeply in love and .... well ..... ANYthing could happen.

On his not wanting the L word ... I can see his view. I may be different but I always found it hard to know exactly when I was 'in love' or just crazy about someone. Who knows when that line is crossed. Sometimes it is difficult and very scary and I think he is just being a guy about it .. and maybe even quite responsible about it.

All the best.