Question for the men of AH

omgitsthelazor

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future? I don't mean in a serious tone just a sort of "in 10 years would you like to have them" sort of light, genders, quantity and just general plans. nothing specific.


The people on the relationships forum are far too nice and helpful to give me anything other than a reasonable and favourable answer to this. Ultimately I'd like the worst case scenario reactions before I say anything, I need to hear what the disheveled, unkempt masses would do in this situation. Thats where you guys come in!.

Doyler92

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future? I don't mean in a serious tone just a sort of "in 10 years would you like to have them" sort of light, genders, quantity and just general plans. nothing specific.


The people on the relationships forum are far too nice and helpful to give me anything other than a reasonable and favourable answer to this. Ultimately I'd like the worst case scenario reactions before I say anything, I need to hear what the disheveled, unkempt masses would do in this situation. Thats where you guys come in!.

I think it's more of a personality thing that may pop up in conversation.

Bipolar Joe

Before we've officially met.

starbelgrade

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future?

Thats where you guys come in!.

Preferably before the point where we come in.

flutterflye

Well when the test says 'positive', that's usually a good time to broach the subject.

Scioch

After the first scare when she gets in a huff after seeing your a little too relieved she's not up the duff making you feel guilty and obliged to reassure her that someday you want to have some babies with her.

LETHAL LADY

The type of questions I like to raise are generally based around homocide and auto erotic asphyxiation so when I mention the wee babies I hear a sigh of relief, go for it .

Babybuff

do you and your oh have friends with kids? or just friends in general that ye both hang out with where the conversation might turn to babies and things. Probably get a good idea from being around that person without having to ask directly of you're paying attention.

Trollsbury Trollington

Location is more important than timing.
You should only question him on this topic in a space with at least 2 exits.

Blocking the one exit would freak him out and he might claw you during his escape.

Don't ask if she really needs checked-baggage, just pay the 20 quid.

antodeco

When you're on top

grindle

I'd need to know within three months,but every girl I've gone out with has lied in seemingly small but important ways about this.
In order to keep you, girls I know agree with a male's 'long-finger' view, until crisis-point.

Smidge

It really depends

You age

His age

How long have you known him

Need to know these before could give any answer

slum dog

i dont understand the question, as a topic of discussion or something else?

Chucken

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future? I don't mean in a serious tone just a sort of "in 10 years would you like to have them" sort of light, genders, quantity and just general plans. nothing specific.


The people on the relationships forum are far too nice and helpful to give me anything other than a reasonable and favourable answer to this. Ultimately I'd like the worst case scenario reactions before I say anything, I need to hear what the disheveled, unkempt masses would do in this situation. Thats where you guys come in!.

You think theres men in here??

Rhyme

Trollsbury Trollington wrote: »

Location is more important than timing.
You should only question him on this topic in a space with at least 2 exits.

Blocking the one exit would freak him out and he might claw you during his escape.

So it's like chasing a rat with a brush?

Sharpshooter

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future? I don't mean in a serious tone just a sort of "in 10 years would you like to have them" sort of light, genders, quantity and just general plans. nothing specific.


The people on the relationships forum are far too nice and helpful to give me anything other than a reasonable and favourable answer to this.

Did you ask them?

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

Ultimately I'd like the worst case scenario reactions before I say anything, I need to hear what the disheveled, unkempt masses would do in this situation. Thats where you guys come in!.

Why, before you say anything?

Spill!:pac:

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

grindle

Hot Lips wrote: »

Why, before you say anything?:confuse

Because men don't usually want baby conversations, women usually want babies, and she wants to suss it out before she ruins his life/completes him.

K-9

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

The people on the relationships forum are far too nice and helpful to give me anything other than a reasonable and favourable answer to this. Ultimately I'd like the worst case scenario reactions before I say anything, I need to hear what the disheveled, unkempt masses would do in this situation. Thats where you guys come in!.

Depends on how much the single parent allowance is.

JonathanAnon

You want kids???

*runs out the door (and is never coming back)*

cartell_best

A guy told me one time "don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if ya feel the heat around the corner"....

Smidge

K-9 wrote: »

Depends on how much the single parent allowance is.

Less of that;)

I have never understood the thing about bringing up about kids when you are only together a wet day(not saying this is the OP's situation) but have know a few people who have done this and

DAAAAMMM

Men, they be goin runnin

Sharpshooter

grindle wrote: »

Because men don't usually want baby conversations, women usually want babies, and she wants to suss it out before she ruins his life/completes him.

It just strikes me as odd that the OP would even ask this question.

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future?

Without saying why they are asking.

xsiborg

cartell_best wrote: »

A guy told me one time "don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if ya feel the heat around the corner"....

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113277/quotes

OP you should just ask him straight out, no point in beating around the bush, times a-wasting, biological clock tick-tock and all that malarkey!

that way at least you can tell him stick his long finger up his árse and move on to a guy that is ready, willing and able...











PM sent!

grindle

mishkalucy wrote: »

Less of that;)

I have never understood the thing about bringing up about kids when you are only together a wet day(not saying this is the OP's situation) but have know a few people who have done this and

DAAAAMMM

Men, they be goin runnin

This is why it should be brought up.
Everybody should have a chance to run before the worst happens.

minidazzler

The kids conversation is definitely first date material, preferably early in the date, so you know quickly if you're wasting your time and can make the decision to go to McDonalds instead of some fancy pants place.

K-9

mishkalucy wrote: »

Less of that;)

I have never understood the thing about bringing up about kids when you are only together a wet day(not saying this is the OP's situation) but have know a few people who have done this and

DAAAAMMM

Men, they be goin runnin

Well I know plenty of men who didn't and my son who is 14 today is a personal testimony to that.

Women do go running too, as in get the plane to Manchester or wherever, men don't really have a choice in that regard. Not bringing up that whole abortion thing but plenty of men do stand by the child and women don't. If he chooses to walk away and the mother disagrees, the child exists. She chooses to walk away, he doesn't, the child never exists, end of conversation, she isn't classified as walking away.

Such is life and there isn't that much that can be done about that.

Trollsbury Trollington

No need for questions and talk.
Simple tried and tested solution used by millions of women, and the reason we're all here to debate this.

1 - condoms are uncomfortable (he wont question that one)
2 - I must have forgotten to take my pill. (by which time its too late for escape)

grindle

Trollsbury Trollington wrote: »

(by which time its too late for escape)

Suicide.

funnilenough

grindle wrote: »

Suicide.

hmmmm,maybe'
if not you is gonna get a mississipi mud pie,ionnit?




Gentlemen......

RobbingBandit

About 5-7 days after you have had a vasectomy.

omgitsthelazor

mishkalucy wrote: »

It really depends

You age

His age

How long have you known him

Need to know these before could give any answer

I'm 19, hes 22. Known him for 2 years, going out for 9 months. I'm not "planning" something or anything like that I'd just be interested to know where he stands on family in the long term, is that creepy?

My girlfriends just say I should ask him casually, that its not a big deal and they'd all want to know as well but I'm afraid men might see it differently.

hairyslug

I told my wife on our first "date"

omgitsthelazor

On his handling with kids, I don't really know. He's been fairly distant from children anytime its come up but thats not unusual for guys, he doesn't have younger siblings to learn anything from that.

I essentially would just like him to say "oh yeah it'd be cool to have a family some day" and not "Hate kids, would never go through that torture". I mean if that was something he thought it'd be nice to know that now instead of 4 years down the line right?

UDP

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

I'm 19, hes 22. Known him for 2 years, going out for 9 months. I'm not "planning" something or anything like that I'd just be interested to know where he stands on family in the long term, is that creepy?

My girlfriends just say I should ask him casually, that its not a big deal and they'd all want to know as well but I'm afraid men might see it differently.

If he is immature still (which is possibly likely at that age) then he may freak out or won't know what he is "supposed" to say. You know him better than anyone on this forum

Ms.M

It's not too early to mention it at all. You could be talking about childhood holiers and say something like "I'd love to go back there with kids actually." Then make a joke like "all ten of them." And then laugh...
I think oh and I were talking about other people's kids and it became obvious we were on common ground. You prob don't have friends with kids but you could talk casually about a pal's want to have a big family or someone else's disinterest in kids altogether. I have a female friend who never wants to have kids and she tells people as soon as the relationship seems to be a proper relationship. At his age he probably hasn't given it much thought yet anyway. And you are very young, too young to assume he'd be your baby-Daddy anyway.

SirDelboy18

No offense here but just a week ago you were claiming that you didn't know if you could trust him, due to you taking his IP and basically investigating him - And eventually discovering he had watched porn.

Give the guy 5 minutes before you go and spring the idea of babies on him.

Tea_Bag

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

I'm 19, hes 22. Known him for 2 years, going out for 9 months. I'm not "planning" something or anything like that I'd just be interested to know where he stands on family in the long term, is that creepy?

My girlfriends just say I should ask him casually, that its not a big deal and they'd all want to know as well but I'm afraid men might see it differently.

you're way too young for this conversation to even take place. you mention it and he'd be right to run away thinking "you're one of them".

have fun now and think about this stuff in 10 years time.

Bruthal

Trollsbury Trollington wrote: »

Blocking the one exit would freak him out.

Getting him to use the entrance would be best for the op`s intentions alright

omgitsthelazor

SirDelboy18 wrote: »

No offense here but just a week ago you were claiming that you didn't know if you could trust him, due to you taking his IP and basically investigating him - And eventually discovering he had watched porn.

Give the guy 5 minutes before you go and spring the idea of babies on him.

I'm not springing ideas on him, see this is what I was afraid would happen to him that he'd do like you guys and assume more of it than I intended.

Also he doesn't know I know about that incident so its not like he's recovering from anything.

omgitsthelazor

UDP wrote: »

If he is immature still (which is possibly likely at that age) then he may freak out or won't know what he is "supposed" to say. You know him better than anyone on this forum

Hes very much a live in the moment kind of guy, I find it difficult to know what his dreams and plans for the long term future are because he doesn't ever want to talk about them.
Would be nice to find out without coming across as too direct but I'm finding it hard to do.

bnt

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

I'm 19, hes 22. Known him for 2 years, going out for 9 months. I'm not "planning" something or anything like that I'd just be interested to know where he stands on family in the long term, is that creepy?

My girlfriends just say I should ask him casually, that its not a big deal and they'd all want to know as well but I'm afraid men might see it differently.

Well, how would you react if the answer was "no, definitely not"? Would you dump him, would you accept his decision and live with it ... or would you consider taking the decision out of his hands, stop taking the Pill, and force the issue?

I think it's this "third way" that scares men: getting that phone call one day with the news that you peed on a stick and a couple of lines appeared. Not necessarily for what it is, but for the way it was done: by going against his wishes. I've heard women say things like "men don't know what they want" - which is often true, but still doesn't give you the right to decide for them. Choosing not to decide is a valid choice. Or "men are immature" - which may be true, but is "maturity" such a virtue these days? (What is the reward for "maturity"? A steady job for life? Yeah, right.)

Yes, men are confused and conflicted about the desire to have children, but do you blame us? Everything related to the process, from conception to graduation, is financially-crippling and becoming more and more expensive. We're constantly being told that we're worthless to society, that we're the cause of all the ills of the world, yet you want to take the 50% risk of bringing more of us in to the world? Can you see 20 years in to the future, in to the world your child would inhabit? I can't, but the trends don't suggest anything good.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you want to have children - then imagine trying to explain your reasoning to your boyfriend, and imagine his reaction. If your justification consists of irrational emotional reasons such as "because I want them" or "I want to be a mother", don't expect much sympathy. It's just not necessary any more: these days it's going to take more than that to convince us. That or a broken condom.

Logical Fallacy

If the guy doesn't want kids ever it's best to just move on and find some chap who does.

You won't be able to change his mind in any way that doesn't make you a total bitch.

Any key?

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

I'm 19, hes 22. Known him for 2 years, going out for 9 months. I'm not "planning" something or anything like that I'd just be interested to know where he stands on family in the long term, is that creepy?

My girlfriends just say I should ask him casually, that its not a big deal and they'd all want to know as well but I'm afraid men might see it differently.

Starting a thread about it and consulting all your girlfriends about it when its not meant to be a big deal now and just a casual inquiry is a little extreme.
Maybe just calm it down a little,relax and enjoy your relationship and being young.Its great you love him enough to consider your future together,just be happy and bring it up if you like.Theres no way any of us can tell you how he'll respond

Mr.Biscuits

Pinholes in condom - talking is overrated.

omgitsthelazor

bnt wrote: »

Well, how would you react if the answer was "no, definitely not"? Would you dump him, would you accept his decision and live with it ... or would you consider taking the decision out of his hands, stop taking the Pill, and force the issue?

:eek: I think you're confused as to what I actually want out of this, I certainly don't want children now or anytime in the foreseeable future. I do someday but thats a long time away.

If he said no, definitely not it'd be a factor in making me wonder if we weren't compatible or at least I'd begin trying to think of ways to change his view on children.

It'd reassure me a lot if I knew his thoughts for the future involved me somehow as well so I'm eager to know.

SmilingLurker

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

How soon in a relationship would you say its appropriate to raise the topics of kids in the future?

Varies per relationship. With my now wife it came up naturally in conversation a just less than 6 months (in what I would have thought would have been far too quickly previously :eek:). We are married over a year with a child about to arrive - less than three years since I met her.

I found in previous relationships I found it difficult bringing things like this up. I think that is why I am so happy in my current relationship, we can and could talk about everything - even things we disagree about.

However don't worry about it, you will know when it is right, and if you feel you cannot talk about it, would this be the right person for you? Feel free to ignore any or all of this, as I am a boring married man

Logical Fallacy

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

:eek: I think you're confused as to what I actually want out of this, I certainly don't want children now or anytime in the foreseeable future. I do someday but thats a long time away.

If he said no, definitely not it'd be a factor in making me wonder if we weren't compatible or at least I'd begin trying to think of ways to change his view on children.

It'd reassure me a lot if I knew his thoughts for the future involved me somehow as well so I'm eager to know.

You are 19. While both your thoughts for the future can involved each other all you like, statistically speaking you won't be together by the time you are 22.

Stop worrying about this kind of ****, it'll just wreck your head.

omgitsthelazor

Also I find the condom pinhole and stop taking the pill action fascinating, is this a serious concern amongst men?

I can't imagine any rational woman wanting to force a child upon a partner who doesn't want them, thats just asking for trouble for all involved.

bnt

omgitsthelazor wrote: »

:eek: I think you're confused as to what I actually want out of this, I certainly don't want children now or anytime in the foreseeable future. I do someday but thats a long time away.

If he said no, definitely not it'd be a factor in making me wonder if we weren't compatible or at least I'd begin trying to think of ways to change his view on children.

It'd reassure me a lot if I knew his thoughts for the future involved me somehow as well so I'm eager to know.

I'm not confused, that's why I used "if" in what I wrote there. In the rest, I didn't assume anything, it's just one scenario - the one most likely to lead to conflict. I was also thinking about people other than you reading this forum.

"Someday" can arrive long before you expect it. You don't want children now or in the foreseeable future - but you might want them in the unforeseeable future? That kind of talk is what freaks guys out, in my opinion. I was just trying to make the point that wanting children is not enough of a reason to have them - not any more, assuming it ever was.