Feedback on short story please.

hcass

Intent.

“So, there’s yer choices, what are yis gonna do?” Darren watched the couple, tapping the gun off the palm of his hand.

They looked at one another. A tear fell down her cheek. She nodded. He went into the bedroom and lifted the sleeping baby. He wrapped her soft, pink blanket tightly around her and cradled her close. He began to cry but brushed away the tears. Taking a deep breath he walked out to the hallway.

“Will we ever see her again?”
“Yis migh’,” Darren replied, taking the baby in one arm.

She asked if she could hold her before he left and Darren agreed. She held her close, kissed her head and whispered in her ear.

“Alrigh’ hand ‘er back.”

She kissed her once more before letting him take her.

He opened the door to let him out. Darren walked towards the door but stopped just before he was outside. He stuck his hand in the pocket of his long, black leather coat and fumbled around before pulling out a small bag of the stuff. He threw it at her and she caught it.

“I’m feeling generous today, that’s why I’m giving ye tha’ but don’t ever contact me again righ’. I mean tha’. Call me again and yis are fu*kin’ dead.”

He strolled out the door and down the driveway.

“Yis made the righ’ decision.” He said as he looked back at them one last time.

He climbed into the back of a red Hyundai Coupe and sped off.
He’d look after her himself. He was good with babies and came from a big family; twelve brothers and sisters altogether. He was born somewhere in the middle, his childhood spent cleaning up vomit and changing sh!tty nappies.
He called her Ruby.

She had her own room in his flat where she spent most of her time. He never let her leave. He wasn’t worried about her parents looking for her. They were junkie scum. He’d done them a favour taking her from them. His real worry was that she would one day escape on her own, run off before he got his money’s worth.

He was good to her most of the time but could get aggressive and had hit her when he felt she was asking too many questions. She soon learned not to bother.

He didn’t have any visitors at the flat. Anyone he had to see he met outside. He couldn’t risk her asking questions and working things out.

He created an alternative world for her in his home. He told her that no one had permission to leave their homes until they were adults. That was the rule of the King and Queen. And if it was broken you were executed, by guillotine. He showed her pictures of people being beheaded and she gasped in fright. He enjoyed making up stories like that, about the outside world. He made it sound desperate, ugly and unforgiving. She looked forward to these stories even though they frightened her. It was her only way of getting information about the outside world. She shuddered at the thought of becoming an adult and leaving the flat. He promised her she’d never have to leave if she didn’t want to.

She began to call him Daddy and he liked it. But he always knew what his intentions were.

Oryx

Brilliant start. Really had me hooked. The thing that didnt work was the sudden leap forward in time. For such a short, short story that construction just threw me. Nicely threatening conclusion.

hcass

Yeah, I can see where you're coming from, it's some leap alright. I'll def take a look at that see what I can do. Cheers for the feedback, much appreciated.

Das Kitty

I really enjoyed it (if enjoyed is the right word for something so unsettling). You really nailed the creeping sense of dread throughout and then confirmed it in the last line. It made me feel a little unwell.

DermoLogical

I like the story and although the time-jump threw me initially, I think it works. Maybe too big a jump for a short story, but not as the beginning of a longer piece.

“her soft, pink blanket"; "his long, black leather coat"
- I think the descriptions could be more concise. I'm not sure if the reader needs to be told a baby's blanket is soft or a leather coat is black.

"the back of a red Hyundai Coupe and sped off."
- if he got in the back, who was driving?

"She kissed her once more before letting him take her. He opened the door to let him out"
- Pronoun confusion. Not a major problem, but try and avoid using 'he' and 'him' or 'she' and 'her' to refer to different people in the same sentence unless you've made it very clear who the pronouns refer to. I'm not saying it's unclear in your story, but sentences like "he let him out" slows the flow for me, as I have to wonder who is he and who is him.

I'm not sure how I feel about Darren's accent. I can see why you do it and it certainly sounds authentic to me, but it's too much for my taste. The apostrophes make it look a bit contrived and strained. We don't generally write every word exactly how they are pronounced, so why do it with a single character's dialogue? I'd leave it as an occassional 'yis' to indicate the accent, but spell out the rest of the words".

Those are my thoughts. I have no writing experience or qualifications, so I could be completely wrong. Feel free to ignore me, but well done on the short story and best of luck making it what you want it to be.

Cheers

pickarooney

I feel like I've read this before, in a slightly different form. Have you posted this previously or am I just getting déjà lu?

hcass

pickarooney wrote: »

I feel like I've read this before, in a slightly different form. Have you posted this previously or am I just getting déjà lu?

Never posted it before - must be deja vu! It's a take on Rapunzel tale maybe that's what is ringing a bell?

hcass

“her soft, pink blanket"; "his long, black leather coat"
- I think the descriptions could be more concise. I'm not sure if the reader needs to be told a baby's blanket is soft or a leather coat is black.

I think I like the descriptions, thanks for your thoughts though.

"the back of a red Hyundai Coupe and sped off."
- if he got in the back, who was driving?

I don't know if it matters who was driving, does it? In my head it was just a minion of his, he is a notorious drug dealer so I figured it would just be expected that he'd have minions. I was gonna have him driving it but he was carrying the baby! Maybe I should change it... I'll def have a think about it any ways. Thanks.

"She kissed her once more before letting him take her. He opened the door to let him out"
- Pronoun confusion. Not a major problem, but try and avoid using 'he' and 'him' or 'she' and 'her' to refer to different people in the same sentence unless you've made it very clear who the pronouns refer to. I'm not saying it's unclear in your story, but sentences like "he let him out" slows the flow for me, as I have to wonder who is he and who is him.

Ah yes! Thank you for pointing this out. It is rather confusing.

I'm not sure how I feel about Darren's accent. I can see why you do it and it certainly sounds authentic to me, but it's too much for my taste. The apostrophes make it look a bit contrived and strained. We don't generally write every word exactly how they are pronounced, so why do it with a single character's dialogue? I'd leave it as an occassional 'yis' to indicate the accent, but spell out the rest of the words".

Well dialogue is different to third person narrative for me so I'm gonna stick with the accent. If it works for Roddy Doyle and all that!

catlin.

great opening

RossPaws

I agree with DermoLogical on all points. You write well, but there are some errors there.

You can afford to make your descriptions more concise, it would only make your story better.

As for who was driving, it kind of does matter if it's not going to be the man who, up until this point, we all thought was on his own. Even if you just made mention earlier in the story that there's someone else out there (it could be mentioned in dialogue, ie; "Hurry, I got ___ waitin' in the car" or something along those lines) because when I first read it, I also wondered who was driving. It pulls you from the story.

The accent is off-putting. I found myself skimming it because of all the apostrophes, they made it difficult to read and a bit of a pain. If you mention that he has a strong accent, and show it by throwing in an odd "yis" or "ye", that would be a much more subtle way to make your readers hear it. Accents are never easy in stories when it comes to how much is too much, but generally writing out how the person says every word is a big no-no. It takes people out of the story because they're so focussed on sounding out what he's meant to be saying.

Other than that, it's well written and I enjoyed it. Would love to read more!