Zombie Apocalypse: CDC Denies Existence Of Zombies!

Biggins

Following a few strange attacks (see below*) recently elsewhere in the USA, the CDC there you will be glad to know - in America because they were worried, had to release a statement that THERE IS NO ZOMBIES! The Zombie Apocalypse must be cancelled then!

So there you have it folks, I know ye were like me all stressed and worried, getting your Zombie survival kits ready - but as it turns out, there is none.
We can relax now that the American CDC has educated us to the non-existence of zombies!

Where would we be with out them!

* A story in Maryland where a man has been charged with killing a man and eating his brain’s and heart.
* A story in Canada about a porn star turned murderer and cannibal who is currently on the run from police.
* A story in Sweden where a man is alleged to have cut off his wife’s lips and eaten them.
* A separate story where a woman is alleged to have bitten her boyfriend’s penis.
* A story in New York where a man chewed the ear off of of another man at a Staten Island restaurant.
* A story in New Jersey where a man stabbed himself repeatedly in front of police and then threw his skin and intestines at them.

* http://www.forbes.com/sites/gregorymcneal/2012/06/01/zombie-cannibal-apocalypse-cdc-weighs-in-but-is-abcs-castle-to-blame/

* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/01/cdc-denies-zombies-existence_n_1562141.html

senorwipesalot

One of our local winos cut off his wifes nipples for a bet and brought them down to show his mates in a matchbox.
Sick bastard.

Pushtrak

But obviously the CDC would say that. The lizard people took over them back in the mesolithic period. The CDC were a small group of interdimensional beings at this point, and they planned to have zombies attack in small numbers for some arbitrary reason to cull the population and make us all controllable. Wake up, sheeple.




Edit: Anyone points out a lack of internal consistency is obviously a sheeple.

candy-gal1

there goes my hope for becoming zombie like yet still wandering about come dec 21st 2012 :rolleyes::eek:

Bipolar Joe

I don't believe them. It's clearly the beginning of a zombie apocalypse. The CDC wouldn't say "Yo, so, we accidentally the pandemic. Soz."

krudler

its a cover up, everyone grab shotguns

Cool Story Bro

B-but what were those things voting yes?!!! Oh God! THOSE WERE PEOPLE!!

RachaelVO

Phew, I'm so relieved, I can take off my tinfoil hat and use up my non perishable foods...

Turtwig

Can't find it right now but I'm pretty sure they once published comics about a Zombie outbreak showing how U.S Citizens should actually react if such a situation were to occur. They obviously used it is a means to illuminate what the public should expect during a Terrorist Attack of Virus Outbreak of some sort.

Edit : Found it!

Pat Star

What did I buy all these emergency supplies for then? I don't want to believe this! The zombie apocalypse IS happening and nobody can deny it!

kowloon

The Zombonian embassy have yet to comment.

My name is URL

But also http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm

John Doe1

Can a guy not eat brains without being referred to a 'zombie' these days:rolleyes:

Riddle101

* A story in Maryland where a man has been charged with killing a man and eating his brain’s and heart.

Eating a brain increases your intelligence while eating the heart give you an extended lifespan. So i've heard.

* A story in Canada about a porn star turned murderer and cannibal who is currently on the run from police.

Ironically it would proberly make for a decent porno movie.

* A story in Sweden where a man is alleged to have cut off his wife’s lips and eaten them.

Proberly nagging him all the time.

* A separate story where a woman is alleged to have bitten her boyfriend’s penis.

Blowjob gone wrong.

* A story in New York where a man chewed the ear off of of another man at a Staten Island restaurant.

The food in the place must have been so terrible.

* A story in New Jersey where a man stabbed himself repeatedly in front of police and then threw his skin and intestines at them.

Wow, should have just thrown his sh!t at them instead. That's what monkeys do.

opinion guy

Biggins wrote: »

Following a few strange attacks (see below*) recently elsewhere in the USA, the CDC there you will be glad to know - in America because they were worried, had to release a statement that THERE IS NO ZOMBIES! The Zombie Apocalypse must be cancelled then!

So there you have it folks, I know ye were like me all stressed and worried, getting your Zombie survival kits ready - but as it turns out, there is none.
We can relax now that the American CDC has educated us to the non-existence of zombies!

Where would we be with out them!


* http://www.forbes.com/sites/gregorymcneal/2012/06/01/zombie-cannibal-apocalypse-cdc-weighs-in-but-is-abcs-castle-to-blame/

* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/01/cdc-denies-zombies-existence_n_1562141.html

How did you forget the story of the naked dude in Florida who ate the face off the other naked due and not stopping after being shot so they had to shoot him some more ???

Huzzah!

People laughed at me when I told them I had a zombie survival plan all ready. Now who is laugh, huh?

deathrider

I'd say the boys over on the zombie forum are having a field day.

southcentralts

zombies don't care that the CDC do not believe in them.

biko

Just as I was reading about this today, the followup
http://edition.cnn.com/2012/06/27/us/florida-cannibal-attack/index.html

Tests in cannibalism case: Zombie-like attacker used pot, not 'bath salts'
The naked Florida man who chewed off the face of another man last month in a zombie-like cannibal attack used marijuana but not "bath salts" as police had suspected, authorities said Wednesday.
Rudy Eugene, 31, was killed by a police officer after Eugene's 18-minute attack on a homeless man. His body didn't show "any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs, or any adulterants found in street drugs," according to the Miami-Dade County Medical Examiner Department.

So something made him strip and attack the other guy but it wasn't drugs (unless it was marijuana of course, highly unlikely).
Be careful out there folks...

ScumLord

biko wrote: »

So something made him strip and attack the other guy but it wasn't drugs (unless it was marijuana of course, highly unlikely).
Be careful out there folks...

His body didn't show "any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs, or any adulterants found in street drugs,"

Typical American authorities using drugs as a distraction from the real question of the disease.

My requests to detain all American tourists for 3 days at airports before letting them wander around the country biting people seems to have been ignored. Have they no respect for the office of boards.ie zombie survival mod?

CianRyan

As a Zombie, I do not support the works of the CDC.

mattjack

ScumLord wrote: »

Typical American authorities using drugs as a distraction from the real question of the disease.

My requests to detain all American tourists for 3 days at airports before letting them wander around the country biting people seems to have been ignored. Have they no respect for the office of boards.ie zombie survival mod?

For a zombie tax ?

ScumLord

mattjack wrote: »

For a zombie tax ?

Just to make sure they're not zombies.

mattjack

ScumLord wrote: »

Just to make sure they're not zombies.

But we could be on to something with a Zombie Tax , right ?

Andy-Pandy

I actually do have a plan if there ever is a zombie Apocalypse. Im not telling you where it is, but it has a moat and is perfect. Ill see you on the other side suckers.

opinion guy

CianRyan wrote: »

As a Zombie, I do not support the works of the CDC.

You have amazing typing skills, grammar and punctuation for a Zombie! You are a credit to your kind.

Also is this now a zombie thread ?

Andy-Pandy

I actually have a real plan for a zombie Apocalypse worked out already. I know exactly where i am going. Who's laughing now.

Goro

Andy-Pandy wrote: »

I actually have a real plan for a zombie Apocalypse worked out already. I know exactly where i am going. Who's laughing now.

Does it involve a tractor?

Goro

Never believe anything until it is officially denied!!

ScumLord

mattjack wrote: »

But we could be on to something with a Zombie Tax , right ?

Well we can rob all their **** once they become zombies. So no need for a tax.

mattjack

Goro wrote: »

Never believe anything until it is officially denied!!

Will big writing help ?

Goro

mattjack wrote: »

Will big writing help ?

No

CianRyan

opinion guy wrote: »

You have amazing typing skills, grammar and punctuation for a Zombie! You are a credit to your kind.

Also is this now a zombie thread ?

I'm one of a relatively new strain, we function as would anyone but have an uncontrollable lust for human flesh.

The "walkers" have an odd grudge against us, I would guess they are just jealous.

Andy-Pandy

Goro wrote: »

Does it involve a tractor?

Nope, a large castle with a huge dry moat. The grounds are completely surrounded by a 20ft wall. There's about 60 hectares within the walls so food should be no problem. I have a actually put a lot of thought into this.