Problem with minding Our Toddler

Adrift

Hope this is in the right forum here, just looking for opinions really.


A few months ago, my wife and I went on a break for a few nights. Our daughter is 18 months old and was to be taken care of by my wifes mother and sister, with additional help from my own parents. The break was planned well in advance and everything seemed to be organised. Closer to our departure date, my wife's mother and sister began to make noise about one of the days, citing it as being problematic, they casually asked if my folks were available on that date, but at that late stage I told them I didn't think they'd be available. The mother and sister immediately told us not to sweat, that they'd work it out between themselves so we left it at that.

So, getting to the point here. The break came and went,when we got back we asked how they managed the problem day, they both individually claimed, they cancelled whatever was causing the problem that day and looked after the baby themselves. We were very suspicious though, as they seemed cagey and their stories didn't quite match up. This was the end of March. A few weeks back we were at a family function and a sister of my wifes mother happened to tell us that she looked after the baby on that date. Needless to say we were furious. (Not at the relative) The releation was not someone we would have left our child in the care of. We said nothing at the time, but eventually confronted my wifes mother and sister over this, as we felt they should have run this by us first, we were contactable day/night 24/7 and told them as much. The thing that made it worse was they both then tried to cover it up when we got back.

They reacted badly to us confronting them on it, even though it was done in a passive way. All we were doing was looking for the truth.

My question is, how would other parents react in this situation, would you feel the same as us? Or would you be happy to let it slide? Could you trust those relations to mind your child again, knowing there was a potential to pawn the child off on someone else?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

How Strange

I'd say pick your battles. Yes they're shouldn't have done it, they definitely shouldn't have lied about it and i can totally understand why youd be angry and annoyed. However only you can decide if it's worth the time and energy fighting over it now that its done.

I'd personally chalk it up to experience and next time I was planning a night away I'd ask the other granny. Having said that you may need that granny and aunt some other time to help you out so don't burn bridges by falling out over it.

Adrift

Thanks guys. Believe me, we never intended to fall out over this.We literally just wanted to get clarification on why it happened and why we were never told. We went about it passively. Personally I think they've reacted badly purely because they have been found out.

We're also aware of how messy this could become, but by saying nothing, we felt we were letting it slide, and the guys wouldn't realise there was any problem otherwise. A "clear the air" is always better no?

The worst thing for us is the guys have now made us feel guilty. A break is a luxury when you have kids and they did us a huge favour. We're incredibly grateful for that. On the other hand it's not their choice to compromise on our child's safety. I cannot go into the situation at the chosen relatives household but if I were to reveal the circumstances there I'm sure most of you would agree that the guys chose poorly in their choice of substiute, which in my opinion is the reason they lied to us when we came home. All it would've take was a phonecall, we could have arranged something for them.

cbyrd

Would you trust them again though? I wouldn't and i'd let them know it too. It's not a dog they were in charge of.. it was your child and regardless what they think, he's the most precious thing in the world.. they didn't think the same!
Trust is a huge part of being left in charge of someone else's child...do they not get that??

Adrift

I don't think we can trust them again. Which is a shame, if they had've just told us when we got home there wouldn't have been as much of a problem.

3DataModem

It's out of line not to consult you, especially as they knew in advance.

Note; if your mother in law had somehow been I'll or something and HAD to get help at short notice, I'd be much more understanding.

You were right to address it, but now I would just let it go, and not raise it again.

How Strange

I just wouldn't ask them again. If it comes up again or they ask why you can say that the last time they got someone else to mind him without asking or telling you and you'd prefer to know exactly who's mind your child.

stoneill

Here's my opinion.
You organised to have your toddler minded while you went on a break.
Both people said that one day was problematic, this you knew in advance.
You went anyway.

Why would you expect other people to change their life so you could get away?
So you child was minded by someone else for a few hours? So what?

Don't make this issue any bigger than it should be.

Honestly, leaving your toddler for a break, that to me seems a bigger issue.

Jessica-Rabbit

stoneill wrote: »

Here's my opinion.
You organised to have your toddler minded while you went on a break.
Both people said that one day was problematic, this you knew in advance.
You went anyway.

Why would you expect other people to change their life so you could get away?
So you child was minded by someone else for a few hours? So what?

Don't make this issue any bigger than it should be.



Honestly, leaving your toddler for a break, that to me seems a bigger issue.

Parents are perfectly entitled to take a shot break away from time to time, there is absolutely no issue there and the OP made it perfectly clear that he and his wife where available 24/7 . The OP trusted these people to care for his child while he and his wife were away and they broke his trust, I have an 11 week old baby and if I left her in a family members care I would be beyond furious had she been placed in the care of someone I dont trust even for a hour let alone a few hours.
OP I can fully understand where you are coming from, if I was in your position I would have a very difficult time trusting these people again, I understand you do not want to fall out with them so my advice would be to arrange to meet them and let your feeling be clear and explain why you confronted them and in future you want them to be honest with you and and your wife when your child is in their care.

dublinlady

stoneill wrote: »

Here's my opinion.
You organised to have your toddler minded while you went on a break.
Both people said that one day was problematic, this you knew in advance.
You went anyway.

Why would you expect other people to change their life so you could get away?
So you child was minded by someone else for a few hours? So what?

Don't make this issue any bigger than it should be.

Honestly, leaving your toddler for a break, that to me seems a bigger issue.

That is a ridiculous comment.
Of course ppl should go away for a break so long as they have organized appropriate childcare - which they did
I think ur trying to stir.

Op - I would be annoyed and would tell them that as a result u would worry in future of same thing happening again, and that maybe u should get someone else to care for them if they aren't interested or can't.
It comes down to trust - and whilst u may want their help in the future - u don't if u can't trust them - they just wouldn't be an option in the future if they didn't apologise and promise it would never happen again, and then I'd only forgive them cos they are family.
Doing u a favor should not mean ur child gets sub standard care - the child is the priority here.

Neyite

stoneill wrote: »

Here's my opinion.
You organised to have your toddler minded while you went on a break.
Both people said that one day was problematic, this you knew in advance.
You went anyway.

Both approved minders assured the OP that the day would not be a problem, and in any case, the OP had arranged a back-up with the other set of inlaws, should the primary minders need assistance.

Why would you expect other people to change their life so you could get away?

Because they kindly offered to?

So you child was minded by someone else for a few hours? So what?

The OP said that this person was someone they wouldnt have chosen to mind their child. Could be any number of reasons - She could be a heavy smoker, or a drinker, or have someone in the house the OP considers to be unsafe around children. Or she could merely be a lovely woman with a penchant for stuffing a toddler full of junk food. It does not matter - the point is the parents didnt fully approve of this woman caring for their child. And they are fully entitled to do that.

wrote:

Honestly, leaving your toddler for a break, that to me seems a bigger issue.

Leaving a child at grannys for a day or two? In my day that was a treat, not irresponsible parenting.

I was left with my granny for 6 whole weeks at that age while my parents did structural renovations to their home, and I can even remember fondly parts of it, as young as I was.

lynski

i would lose the head. no way. my sister had a her sister in law lined up to mind her children one day - just for the day - and she made a big deal out of how she wanted to go to a party that evening and it was a great favor for her to babysit. my sister pulled the plug and got someone else.
My mom is not allowed my children except for a few hours as i do not trust her to do something like the ops.

implausible

Adrift wrote: »

My question is, how would other parents react in this situation, would you feel the same as us? Or would you be happy to let it slide? Could you trust those relations to mind your child again, knowing there was a potential to pawn the child off on someone else?

3 problems here -
1. They agreed to do something, then reneged on it
2. They left your child with someone unsuitable
3. They lied about it.

The only thing I can say in their favour is that maybe they knew how badly ye needed the break and didn't want to disturb ye. Even so, this is not on and it's sh*t like this that puts people off going away and having a break for themselves.

OP, I wouldn't ask them again for a long long time and I'd find an alternative for the next time you go away. I would be raging if someone agreed to do something and then didn't bother her ass, especially something as responsible as minding my child.

caprilicious

Fair play to you for being so restrained about it, I would have been livid.
It's not a goldfish they were asked to mind, it is your child.

I don't understand why they foisted your child onto someone else rather than just telling you straight out that they had no intention of altering their plans.

I realise it was a big favour for them to mind your child & that you don't want to rock the boat in that respect.
Personally I wouldn't trust them again to mind the child.
If they thought it ok to 1. Organise alternative care without your knowledge or consent & 2. to lie blatantly to you about it, I would question their judgement in relation to the child's care.


Adrift, you have nothing to feel guilty about - you are well within your rights querying why you were lied to. I agree with you, they're reacting badly because they've been caught out on their lies.

As has already been said, at this stage I wouldn't pursue it further, thankfully nothing bad happened this occasion.
I would let it slide & chalk it down to experience.

stoneill

dublinlady wrote: »

That is a ridiculous comment.
Of course ppl should go away for a break so long as they have organized appropriate childcare - which they did
I think ur trying to stir.
.

It's not ridiculous - it's my opinion. Leaving your child with someone else and then getting on your high horse just because they asked someone to keep an eye on them for a few hours - that's ridiculous.
You are all on here purporting that your kids are the most precious things in the world, organising what you call primary care givers - that says it all.
But yet they still went away for a break? A break from what? looking after their own child.
If you want a break - fine take your break but don't expect other people to put their lives on hold just to mind your kids whole you are on your break.

Adrift

Ok "stonehill" I'm going to indulge you this one time.

There is nothing wrong with taking a short break from time to time to recharge the batteries. Any parent will tell you that. If you are a parent and disagree then its you I pity.

Are you kidding asking "a break from what?" Again, I'd be shocked if you had your own kids, if you did you'd know full well its tough work. Myself and my wife wouldn't change a thing , we love our life with our daughter. Occasionally the energy levels run low and a night off is required, were only human, and its perfectly healthy to do that.

Finally, you're belittling the babysitting element, you're making it out that we"d ask anyone and they have to be available at our discretion. Not the case. Only immediate family have ever looked after our child. This particular trip was worked out well in advance. Those guys offered to look after the baby because they enjoy spending time with her too. Ever stop to think that a grandparent doesn't find it a chore to mind their grandchild for a few days? Please don't belittle the "someone else for a few hours" either. It was someone we didn't approve of, I'm sure you wouldn't approve either, that I'm afraid is not up for debate.

To everyone else, thanks for the opinions. Stone hill, you come across as nothing other than a wind up merchant and are dragging the thread off topic by playing devils advocate.

dublinlady

stoneill wrote: »

dublinlady wrote: »

That is a ridiculous comment.
Of course ppl should go away for a break so long as they have organized appropriate childcare - which they did
I think ur trying to stir.
.

It's not ridiculous - it's my opinion. Leaving your child with someone else and then getting on your high horse just because they asked someone to keep an eye on them for a few hours - that's ridiculous.
You are all on here purporting that your kids are the most precious things in the world, organising what you call primary care givers - that says it all.
But yet they still went away for a break? A break from what? looking after their own child.
If you want a break - fine take your break but don't expect other people to put their lives on hold just to mind your kids whole you are on your break.

It being your opinion does not excuse it from being ridiculous I'm afraid!
Of course you should expect ppl to stop their lives when they are minding your child - that's the whole concept iof childcare A they enter a commitment to care for your child! And ppl do this every day in many environments with relationship based on respect and trust so that the winner is the child!
By your standards all women or fathers would have to stay at home and care for their child exclusively. That's lovely if you have the luxury of not relying on two salaries - fair play to you - I certainly will be finding a nanny to mind my child. And will have a firm arrangement that it is then that I have decided to ask to mind my child and as a result would find it completely unacceptable for them to pawn my child off with someone else.
I think in a professional crèche setting they would find your attitude amusing... As if they couldn't be trusted to give your child to someone else for a few hrs... They'd wind up in court!!

With regards to minding your child all of the time - well I don't think it would go much for their social skills to be strapped to their mother or father all day - they should see that you need to interact with other ppl ( have a break!) as do they! Otherwise well.. I think we'd all be a little weird!
We are mothers and fathers - not overprotective martyrs. We encourage development and sociability and it's a fine chance for them to understand that there are elements of the parents life which they don't have to be a part of. It's healthy. And yes - my child is the most precious thing in my world - which is why I'd hate to restrain and frighten her by adopting your attitude to childcare.

Zulu

stoneill wrote: »

It's not ridiculous...

I'm afraid it is; you're talking utter, utter shi*e stoneill, and it's obvious to everyone else.

Hannibal Smith

*must not say the 'T' word in case Orion is watching*

*awaits halo*

As for the op, i'd be livid and would make a point of it next time. Let's face it babysitters are hard to come by so you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot. But I really would be livid.

stoneill

Your first post was looking for opinions.
I gave you mine.
I think you were extremely selfish to leave you toddler for a break and I don't think you have any reason to start looking down your nose at people who were trying to help you out the best way they could. They told you one day was problematic, you knew that before you went.
If you wish to avoid circumstances like this in the future then be a parent and bring your child with you.

January

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

*must not say the 'T' word in case Orion is watching*

*awaits halo*

As for the op, i'd be livid and would make a point of it next time. Let's face it babysitters are hard to come by so you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot. But I really would be livid.

Not only Orion is watching

Hannibal Smith

Lol...I'm being good, I'm being good!

January

stoneill wrote: »

Your first post was looking for opinions.
I gave you mine.
I think you were extremely selfish to leave you toddler for a break and I don't think you have any reason to start looking down your nose at people who were trying to help you out the best way they could. They told you one day was problematic, you knew that before you went.
If you wish to avoid circumstances like this in the future then be a parent and bring your child with you.

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. But, the OP did leave his kids with someone else and was upset that they in turn left them with someone who they didn't want to mind their child, they have stated they wouldn't have minded if they ran it by them first with someone they did like or they could have arranged someone else.

To be honest stoneill, I think you're just trying to get peoples hackles raised, you're not giving good advice and this is your first warning. Helpful posting only please. You've stated your view.

How Strange

stoneill I'm guessing you don't have kids.