What if a tiger jumps into my back garden

Plazaman

This is why it is important to have a copy of Twilight downloaded to your Kindle thereby if a Tiger does jump into your back garden start reading it aloud.

You will find by the end of the second paragraph, the Tiger will have hung itself leaving a touching yet eyeopening suicide note for his Tiger Wife and Tiger Kid about the horrors of the human race and their Kindles leaving the Tiger Kid with an irrational fear of a human jumping into his back garden with a Kindle.

TeddyTedson

xoxyx wrote: »

Yep. I do that too. This is what I love about AH!

Does everyone do this or are some of us slightly mental?
For example last night, lying down, everything turned off, an original classical song started playing in my head, I remember thinking that in the morning I must memorise that because it would be one of the best classical pieces of music of all time . None it's feckin' gone.

TeddyTedson

I have a kindle, it reads me the first chapters of many books I'm not prepared to buy. Then I get angry at myself that I hate buying ebooks.
The internet is meant to be free. You only pay if you want access to the sex and sexuality forums.
Where might one acquire really really really really cheap ebooks for a kindle to read to me at night...?

golden lane

pause for a second.....then pretend you are a saint.....

never heard of a saint being eaten by a tiger.....

cocoshovel

I dont think tigers would try to break through, or even be able to jump through a double glazed window. You'd be grand

Local-womanizer

I was thinking the other while driving past the Olympic torch relay, what if terrorists attacked or set of a bomb and I was caught in the middle of it?

Would I help out or just be worried about self preservation?!

I then concentrated on driving again.

(It could have been the Tamill Tigers attacking me!)

Itwasntme.

xoxyx wrote: »

So, I was sitting out in the back a while ago. Reading my Kindle and enjoying the long evenings. When suddenly, in the middle of a paragraph, I thought, what if a tiger jumps into my back garden. I have no idea where this thought came from, but I spent the next five minutes or so going through what might happen.

I've no idea if I could get the back door open in time to escape into the house, but let's say I could. If I rang the guards, they'd never believe me, and it could take ages to convince them to come out. And what if the tiger broke through a window? I'd have to run out the front door and close it behind me and then race up to the local Centra. But they wouldn't believe me either until the tiger arrived and, by then, it would be too late to close the doors against it. So, I'd be trapped in Centra with a tiger, and you just know it would go for me first.

Totally ruined my peace sitting outside and I kept thinking about it until I gave up and came back in. I know it's probably not going to happen, but every time I tried to go back to reading, my mind would wander to the tiger again.

This happens to me all the time. I'll be wandering across a bridge and suddenly will think, what if this falls down. Or along the Liffey listening to the radio until I think, what if somebody throws me over the wall.

Obviously I'm completely batshit crazy, and, so far, I've never been attacked by a tiger, fallen through a bridge or been thrown into the Liffey, so there's no basis for my fears.

Just wondering if anybody else gets these random thoughts. They're not always negative either. I'll get good ones too like what if I find a winning Lotto ticket or a friendly puppy and get to bring it back to a loving owner and then spend some time going through the different things that could happen.

Anyone else???

OP, marry me. I am perfect for you. You see, I've spent many years devising super hero manoeuvres. I just haven't had the chance to put them into action yet. We would be good together. You would get attacked, I would save you (in style) and then we would have mind boggling danger sex.

imelle wrote: »

avada kedavra.

Best answer yet.

af_thefragile

I'ld feed it cat food and pet it...?

Itwasntme.

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I have a kindle, it reads me the first chapters of many books I'm not prepared to buy. Then I get angry at myself that I hate buying ebooks.
The internet is meant to be free. You only pay if you want access to the sex and sexuality forums.
Where might one acquire really really really really cheap ebooks for a kindle to read to me at night...?

It's your lucky day. I have about 4000 kindle books. I bought them from some random dude for a song. PM me for the list.

Tzar Chasm

4 pages and no one has made reference to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg12PHed0zc

Tigger

You should be so lucky op

I practice for future arguments that will likely never happen in the shower.

Pedant

Feed it some Frosty's to keep it quiet for a while until the zookeeper comes.

hairyprincess

Hop on your penisaur and ride off into the sunset leaving the tiger to eat your dust. And your family

Nothingbetter2d

xoxyx wrote: »

So, I was sitting out in the back a while ago. Reading my Kindle and enjoying the long evenings. When suddenly, in the middle of a paragraph, I thought, what if a tiger jumps into my back garden. I have no idea where this thought came from, but I spent the next five minutes or so going through what might happen.

I've no idea if I could get the back door open in time to escape into the house, but let's say I could. If I rang the guards, they'd never believe me, and it could take ages to convince them to come out. And what if the tiger broke through a window? I'd have to run out the front door and close it behind me and then race up to the local Centra. But they wouldn't believe me either until the tiger arrived and, by then, it would be too late to close the doors against it. So, I'd be trapped in Centra with a tiger, and you just know it would go for me first.

Totally ruined my peace sitting outside and I kept thinking about it until I gave up and came back in. I know it's probably not going to happen, but every time I tried to go back to reading, my mind would wander to the tiger again.

This happens to me all the time. I'll be wandering across a bridge and suddenly will think, what if this falls down. Or along the Liffey listening to the radio until I think, what if somebody throws me over the wall.

Obviously I'm completely batshit crazy, and, so far, I've never been attacked by a tiger, fallen through a bridge or been thrown into the Liffey, so there's no basis for my fears.

Just wondering if anybody else gets these random thoughts. They're not always negative either. I'll get good ones too like what if I find a winning Lotto ticket or a friendly puppy and get to bring it back to a loving owner and then spend some time going through the different things that could happen.

Anyone else???

tigers jump into people's gardens all the time





In India

Pushtrak

Solution to OP: Catnip.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tklx3j7kgJY

Vicar in a tutu

Just buy a load of crocodiles for your garden just to be safe op .

Jester252

Dress up in a fursuit and scare it off

davet82

awh tiger woods...

i get it now

Capt'n Midnight

PhlegmyMoses wrote: »

I reckon that I could probably beat a tiger in a straight up fight.

Pros and cons:

Cons:

• The tiger has longer nails and teeth so could bite and scratch me.
• It would be more ferocious and less fearful for its own well-being than the average human.
• It would probably be marginally stronger than me.

Pros:

• I am smarter than the tiger so could probably think up strategies on how to beat him, off the cuff. The tiger only has instinct to go on.
• I have faster hands byfar due to weight\muscle density ratios.
• Although not as strong as a tiger, I am still easily strong enough to get him into a choke hold or to palm him off if he came running at me
  But having rationally considered the possibility of having to fight a tiger, I would be confident that at the very least, the tiger would be scared off by my fighting acumen.

...
As you can see, it is clear that I have the requisite nous and wherewithal to at least damage a tiger in a fight to the point that he would flee the scene knowing that there was easier prey in greener pastures.

In reality


The tiger (Panthera tigris) is the largest cat species, reaching a total body length of up to 3.3 metres (11 ft) and weighing up to 306 kg (670 lb).
tigers can reach speeds of about 49–65 kilometres per hour (35–40 miles per hour)
Tigers have great leaping ability; horizontal leaps of up to 10 metres have been reported
tigers have been recorded to kill prey by swiping with their paws, which are powerful enough to smash the skulls of domestic cattle
Tigers may kill such formidable predators as leopards, pythons and even crocodiles

Tigers are ambush predators, you won't have much time for strategy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMOmB1q8W4Y

andrewg82

run!!!!! or close the doors

getuponthis

Blast him with........ The garden hose!

Ormus

OP if that situation ever really happens, the best thing to do is to back slowly and silently away, maintaining eye contact all the time, until you are indoors and the door is closed. Tigers don't jump through glass or break down doors. Don't break eye contact til you are safely in though, the tiger would take that as a cue to spring.

Personally I'm more worried about those giant hairy biting spiders on the rampage in India. Hope they don't reach here.

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2012/0605/breaking9.html

yeppydeppy

We've all seen the movie documentary, the only way to scare away a tiger is to tie it's tail around a burning branch.

(I get the bridge collapsing weirdness too)

Beefy78

PhlegmyMoses wrote: »

I reckon that I could probably beat a tiger in a straight up fight.

Pros and cons:

Cons:

• The tiger has longer nails and teeth so could bite and scratch me.
• It would be more ferocious and less fearful for its own well-being than the average human.
• It would probably be marginally stronger than me.

Pros:

• I am smarter than the tiger so could probably think up strategies on how to beat him, off the cuff. The tiger only has instinct to go on.
• I have faster hands byfar due to weight\muscle density ratios.
• Although not as strong as a tiger, I am still easily strong enough to get him into a choke hold or to palm him off if he came running at me.
• Opposable thumbs means that I can use the various weapons that would be at my disposal. Something like a glass bottle, garden rake or ornament like a gnome are lethal in the right\wrong hands.
• As I said previously, the average human would be fearful. But having rationally considered the possibility of having to fight a tiger, I would be confident that at the very least, the tiger would be scared off by my fighting acumen.

As you can see, it is clear that I have the requisite nous and wherewithal to at least damage a tiger in a fight to the point that he would flee the scene knowing that there was easier prey in greener pastures.

I've got €50 on the tiger.

Capt'n Midnight

getuponthis wrote: »

Blast him with........ The garden hose!

Tigers aren't afraid of water

IvySlayer

There's absolutely no way any human can physically match a tiger. Mike Tyson had a pet tigress and admitted he had no chance...

Your only chance is to distract it and run inside!

IvySlayer

Keno 92 wrote: »

Just get your pet lion to fight it. Simples.

The lion would be dead meat!

Capt'n Midnight

getuponthis wrote: »

Blast him with........ The garden hose!

http://www.wildlywise.com/tiger_predator.htm

The most famous of the lot, named "Chenghis", has been documented swimming out and wrestling kills out of the mouths of large marsh crocodiles

:eek:

Capt'n Midnight

IvySlayer wrote: »

The lion would be dead meat!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiger

. Bears (Asiatic black bears and brown bears) make up 5–8% of the tiger's diet in the Russian Far East.

:eek:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amur_Tiger

Certain tigers have been reported to imitate the calls of Asian black bears to attract them.

:eek:

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.supergreenme.com/go-green-environment-eco:Siberian-Tigers--Fierce-Beauty-Endangered

Tigers have even hunted wolves to extinction in certain parts of the Amur Far East,

:eek: