Pregnant wife smoking

shanek248

I agree with some of the more recent arguments.

Addiction is a very serious problem and you cannot expect somebody to just quit because you deem it necessary. They have to want to quit.

Possibly the best angle to take would be to make sure she is fully informed of the risks so that she can make the choice to quit herself. It could also be a good idea to take on as many of her responsibilities as you can in order to reduce her stress levels. A concerted effort on your part will be noticed and appreciated by her. It could also help her feel like she is not the only one struggling.

Mansized Wreath

Guilting her into quitting won't work and this has been proven, she knows the risks to the unborn child yet she still smokes. Banning smoking in the house/car won't work either,she'll just go outside. It's not as hard to quit as society thinks. Get her that book OP.

cynder

shanek248 wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

If the husband keeps nagging his wife if could turn sour, he has to tread carefully. If the woman refuses to acknowledge the risk, that is her choice, her body her choice, just the same as if she wanted an abortion, her body, her choice.

What a nice informed point of view. You must be a pleasure to be around. What about the babies body? Babies body, Babies Choice.

I think part of being a parent is the ability to look beyond oneself and see beyond such selfish points of view.

I understand that not all parents are created equal but I thought that this was a universal experience. I can certainly understand a person not believing that smoking harms their baby but to say "my body my choice" is just too flippant. It implies knowledge of damage caused and a lack of caring, especially when thrown into the same sentence as abortion.:(

I'm anti abortion, but I respect others views and opinions, whatever they choose to do, it's up to them. If they take drugs, or smoke, drink, eat whipped ice cream or eat tuna or pate, fly, go rock climbing, run a marathon, go horse riding, go to a disco, have sex, take medication, wear heals, eat chips or fatty foods, or sugary foods and so on and on, we should all be wrapped in cotton wool when we are pregnant. It's our own individual choice what risks we are willing to take. I respect individual choice, it may not be mine.


If someone wants to smoke during their pregnancy it's up to them the baby may or may not be born with faulty DNA, tbh anyone can be born with faulty DNA not just children of smokers.

If someone wants to abort their baby its up to them.

Tbh the stress that people put on a woman to stop smoking may cause her to have a miscarriage. more so than the smoking, I nearly miscarried 3 times in my first pregnancy due to stress. No I don't smoke.


It's hard to be perfect, infact it's impossible. Tbh the smoking thing should have been broached before she got pregnant, but of course it's too late now. Now he has to contend with an emotional woman who has the world and her husband against her.

shanek248

grindelwald wrote: »

I'm anti abortion, but I respect others views and opinions, whatever they choose to do, it's up to them. If they take drugs, or smoke, drink, eat whipped ice cream or eat tuna or pate, fly, go rock climbing, run a marathon, go horse riding, go to a disco, have sex, take medication, wear heals, eat chips or fatty foods, or sugary foods and so on and on, we should all be wrapped in cotton wool when we are pregnant. It's our own individual choice what risks we are willing to take. I respect individual choice, it may not be mine.

I have respect for other peoples views in any circumstance where their views do not impede on the rights of others. To try and lump personal choices such as whipped ice cream in with other personal choices such as abortion is silly and shows a lack of thought behind your position of respecting others viewpoints.

grindelwald wrote: »

If someone wants to smoke during their pregnancy it's up to them the baby may or may not be born with faulty DNA, tbh anyone can be born with faulty DNA not just children of smokers.

If you look at the point I made directly after I replied to you you will see I do not argue with a persons right to choose to smoke. I was only responding to your statement "her body, her choice." To me that post and that sentence reeked of selfishness and a lack of empathy and understanding. The baby in her womb is just as much her husbands as it is hers. Sure she can "choose" to do what she wants because she is in a position of power. Just like a man can beat his wife due to his position of power granted by extra strength. But in our society and in good relationships we work things out amicably rather than entirely based on positions of power.

And this is what this thread is about. He wants advice on how he can try and work out the situation with his wife. I don't think telling him he should shut up is very helpful.

I also recognise that carrying out a personal debate with you in his thread is unhelpful to so I will stop here.

OP - I think it will be tough but you must know her well enough to be able to convince her it is something she wants too. You cant expect her to quit on your orders but you can try and make her understand your feelings and hopefully that will be enough to spur her on.

cynder

shanek248 wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

I have respect for other peoples views in any circumstance where their views do not impede on the rights of others. To try and lump personal choices such as whipped ice cream in with other personal choices such as abortion is silly and shows a lack of thought behind your position of respecting others viewpoints.


If you look at the point I made directly after I replied to you you will see I do not argue with a persons right to choose to smoke. I was only responding to your statement "her body, her choice." To me that post and that sentence reeked of selfishness and a lack of empathy and understanding. The baby in her womb is just as much her husbands as it is hers. Sure she can "choose" to do what she wants because she is in a position of power. Just like a man can beat his wife due to his position of power granted by extra strength. But in our society and in good relationships we work things out amicably rather than entirely based on positions of power.

And this is what this thread is about. He wants advice on how he can try and work out the situation with his wife. I don't think telling him he should shut up is very helpful.

I also recognise that carrying out a personal debate with you in his thread is unhelpful to so I will stop here.

OP - I think it will be tough but you must know her well enough to be able to convince her it is something she wants too. You cant expect her to quit on your orders but you can try and make her understand your feelings and hopefully that will be enough to spur her on.

Your last bit is spot on.

Fyi soft whipped ice cream may contain a substance that can cause a miscarriage or still birth, Listeria can kill the unborn baby. One lick of a soft whipped ice cream could be catastrophic for the fetus.


should the husband give the wife a list of what she can and can't do while she is pregnant? No. She has her own free will. He knew she smoked before she got pregnant, by rights she should have stopped before they tried for a baby. This was always going to be an issue. The doctors are happy with her cutting down as it's better than smoking 24/7. I personally hate seeing pregnant women smoking. If she wants to smoke she will. There isn't much he can do, talking, distraction, support, TLC trying to be sympathetic to her desire to have a cigarette rather than tell her off or guilt trip her.

No where did I say that he should shut up.

A smoking ban in the house and car would be helpful for when baby is born.

Stheno

cambridge wrote: »

You were born prematurely by 2/3 weeks. Smoking is a risk factor for prematurity.

What do you work as? Do you have a high IQ. No need to answer. Smoking is a risk factor for low IQ and mental retardation.

Just fine may mean different things to different people.

My mother smoked when she was pregnant with me, about twenty a day, I was overdue, 10 pounds 9 ounces, and have an IQ in excess of 130

I've no health issues either as a result, but I have to say I cannot abide women who are pregnant smoking as the foetus has no choice but to live with what is imbibed

Neyite wrote: »

Op, its hard. I'm an ex smoker too and its really difficult to describe to someone who never smoked how addictive it is. I tried and failed loads of times to quit, I tried inhalers, gum, patches, cold turkey, books, hypnosis, and the only ones that gave me success were:

Self help book - Alan Carrs Easyway to stop smoking. This worked very well for me, my downfall was after about a year I thought I could have "the odd one" when I was out for a drink. Before I knew it, I was buying a pack a day again.

The second and last successful one: Paul McKenna Hypnosis. That was 5 years ago now, and I cannot recommened it enough. It was far easier than it ever was to quit before with this method. I just added it to my phone and played it going to sleep.

There are small things that can help cut down: Banning smoking in the house at all no matter what the weather. Banning smoking in the car. If need be, leave the cigarettes outside in the shed/ in the boot of the car so she cannot light one up without thinking, or putting on a jacket or stopping the car or whatever. These all help a little.

I'd explain to her that you love her and your child very much and will do anything to help her with this hard goal. Show your support even with her failed efforts, captiulating and having a smoke does not need to mean that she has to return to smoking entirely.

Good luck

Thanks Neyite, I'm going to try the Paul McKenna book, I've tried the Alan Carr book without success.

OP If your wife can take it while pregnant Champix might be an option, I'm not sure it's suitable for pregnant women though.

golden lane

it is a worry for you........i understand that, but you must be very careful, putting a pregnant woman under stress will do more harm to the baby.........

Abi

Smokers do not like looking at photographs of tarred insides because they don't want to have to face the reality of what it is doing to them. In much the same way, your wife knows it's wrong and carries possible health implications for the baby, but doesn't want to face this face either. The warnings are on the packets of cigarettes for a reason.

I'm the first born out of my lot. Quite often mothers go a bit over their due date on their first. I was born a month too early and badly under weight. I spent my first days in an incubator, and I don't think any parent wants that for their child.

I understand I'm being very finger-pointy at smoking pregnant women, but I'm living proof of what is written on the packets, and I'm just trying to drum home how important it is that you talk to your wife more about this.

I would avoid the lecture-y type approach, that is never going to go down well with a smoker. I would definitely look into this electronic cigarette for starters, and try to get her to cut right back.

Ideally, cutting them out altogether should have been done prior to becoming pregnant (where possible). That way the mother wouldn't have to go through withdrawals and the stress of cutting back while pregnant.

Both parents owe it to their unborn child to give him / her the best possible start.

Mink

cyning wrote: »

Also please try and make sure that she is been extremely honest with the doctors and midwives about the level of smoking: Go with her to some of the appointments if you have to.

I think the above is important, 20 a day is an awful lot, twice the effect of 10 a day and so on!


I'm not going to rehash what others have said re you needing to sit down & talk to her about it honestly. You might just have a break through and crack her on it.

I've heard great things about the Alan Carr book, even from the most skeptical people.

The major thing to get through, for at least cutting down, is getting away from routine/habits/triggers. And it goes without saying she'll need to stay away from other smokers, not even look at them smoking out the back. So you may need to speak to the rest of your family to get their support to not smoke anywhere near her, not have smoking paraphenalia out around her etc.

JustAThought

20 a day?
And pregnant?
It's so selfish & feckless it's shocking.

I agree with the many who say that as the father you HAVE to take a stand for your baby. Who else will ; this is your role.

Fair dues to you for trying to come up with a solution; it takes a lot of courage. And no matter what smokers & ex smokers say; it Is a totally selfish habit no matter how addictive or how you disclaim your responsibilities by saying how hard it is or how you " want to" as you light up. Try watching someone suffocate to death over two years with lung cancer. now , smoker,, try a bit harder.

If her family are all smokers I doubt that they will be playing the hard line in relation to your baby's health and mental welfare.

I don't know at all about the inhalers ( inhalers; what!!!!) as this surely is designed to pour the nicotine directly into your wifes & therefore your baby's lungs & bloodstream.

TBH how about a good hard talking to abiut yhe facts. What shes happy to do to your health too : as well as the babys. Cancer. Hardly a decision i think you would choose. Dosnt your baby have the right to a father as well as it's own health; she is happy risking both your healths for her comfort & lifestyle choice.

Pictures speak a thousand words . Might I suggest to have the hard conversation with her. Google & print a few hard photos. Ask her then why she's prepared to continue doing this to your baby; and you . You can pause a video & F12 screengrab an image. I think you would only need 3 or 4.
If she won't listen or discuss you can also make a one pager list of what her smoking is doing. Start with cancer, brain deformities, stunted growth, Lung diseases. Perhaps the bulleted list will stick in her mind. Nothing else appears to have worked ; yet.

If that baby is born with cleft pallette & taunted all it's young life, or has to go for surgeries, or has to spend it's first days or weeks hooked to a machine to breathe your wife will have no choice but to not smoke then because she will be spending her time with it in a hospital environment and they simply won't allow it. Push the dates back & let her know you won't stand for it; because nobody else really can do this for your baby now except you.

You might get materials ( I know they used do Leaflets & I think DVDs ) from ASH. You might also get helpful insights from the premature babies organisation; or from the Jack & Jill Foundation.

You migh also consider asking her ( as the baby can't) why she is also prepared to do this to your health. I mean; she knows this is what she is doing. Have you ever asked her that; probably not because you love her . You don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings.
But look at what she, who says she loves you, is prepared to do daily, to you. And your child.

Her desire, willpower & the medical team havng worked. Perhaps while there is still time & hope it's the time for cold hard facts & rules.
After all; it's not just her own health & future she is poisoning anymore; it's the baby's; the baby's father; and the families. What will you baby do when it has no mother because she is dead from smoking? It's on every box. Has she thought this far? Maybe it's now time to ask.

How Strange

I found the Alan Carr book excellent and for me it flicked a switch in my brain, made me see that smoking is disgusting and a waste of time money and your life and I knew after I read the book I would never smoke again. That was a huge conversion as I was like one of the two sisters from the simpsons before.

I said earlier about confronting your wife. Confronting may be the wrong word but you have to intervene because you are the child's dad and you are as much responsible for its welfare as your wife is.

Smoking that amount each day is grossly irresponsible so perhaps a middle ground must be reached where perhaps she has 2-3 a day. I don't condone smoking firing pregnancy but if she isn't open to giving up in which case she won't, she'll lie about it and will be under a lot of stress and you two will be constantly fighting then a couple a day may be a compromise.

I also think she has to be honest with her consultant/midwife. They will know anyway as soon as they see the placenta as they examine it after birth and can see the signs of damage due to smoking, drugs, alcohol.

I think the argument of mothers body/ mothers choice only goes do far. She also has a huge responsibility to protect that unborn child that is growing inside her so that means avoiding the long list of foods and substances which are known to potentially cause harm.

There's also the huge risk of SIDS after the baby is born because of smoking in the home. Even if she smokes outside and changes her clothes after each cigarette the baby will still be exposed to second hand smoke which is very dangerous to his/her system.

Most hospitals have a cessation nurse so perhaps you both could see him/her and discuss it and ways of stopping/cutting back.

The Big Red Button

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

An ex-colleague of mine planned a baby with her husband. Both very healthy, non-smokers, occasional drinkers. She spent six months taking folic acid and ensuring both their diets were in perfect shape, before they even began trying. She got pregnant straight away. Following a difficult pregnancy, she miscarried at eight months, and has been unable to get pregnant since.

Another ex-colleague of mine got pregnant, unplanned, at the age of nineteen. She smoke and drank heavily throughout the pregnancy, and ended up in hospital on more than one occasion as a result of falling when drunk (so badly that she broke ribs on one occasion.) She gave birth, three days past her due date, to a perfectly healthy happy little girl.

Both of the above are examples of anecdotal evidence. As is your example about you and your brother.

The scientific evidence, however, clearly shows a direct correlation between smoking during pregnancy, and numerous negative effects on both the foetus and the placenta. The foetus is simply not getting as much oxegen from a smoking mother as it would if the mother was not smoking. A quick Google will get you all the information you need about scientific research on this. There is extensive research done, and this is based on facts and statistics. Not on "my mother"; "my neighbour" sort of stories, but on cold hard evidence.

cynder

chatterpillar wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

MY mother smoked all the way through mine and my brothers pregnancy and we turned out just fine we are 32 and 33 and have no health issues, we were born 2/3 weeks early weighing in at 7lbs and so many ounces.

An ex-colleague of mine planned a baby with her husband. Both very healthy, non-smokers, occasional drinkers. She spent six months taking folic acid and ensuring both their diets were in perfect shape, before they even began trying. She got pregnant straight away. Following a difficult pregnancy, she miscarried at eight months, and has been unable to get pregnant since.

Another ex-colleague of mine got pregnant, unplanned, at the age of nineteen. She smoke and drank heavily throughout the pregnancy, and ended up in hospital on more than one occasion as a result of falling when drunk (so badly that she broke ribs on one occasion.) She gave birth, three days past her due date, to a perfectly healthy happy little girl.

Both of the above are examples of anecdotal evidence. As is your example about you and your brother.

The scientific evidence, however, clearly shows a direct correlation between smoking during pregnancy, and numerous negative effects on both the foetus and the placenta. The foetus is simply not getting as much oxegen from a smoking mother as it would if the mother was not smoking. A quick Google will get you all the information you need about scientific research on this. There is extensive research done, and this is based on facts and statistics. Not on "my mother"; "my neighbour" sort of stories, but on cold hard evidence.

AS I SAID BEFORE, I ONLY WROTE THAT TO GIVE HIM HOPE THAT HIS CHILD MIGHT NOT BE DEFORMED OR RETARDED. Hope that he might have a normal child or at least one with no medical or physical conditions.

Do you think if case number one up there was a smoker, that the doctors would have blamed the cigarettes?

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

Motorist

I believe the OP to be a troll. Only a complete knacker scumbag would smoke when prego.

January

Motorist, you were warned on the second post of the thread, also Orion posted a second warning on the thread too. Be civil or don't post at all. Also, if you suspect troll, report the post.

How Strange

grindelwald wrote: »

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

My mother smoked during all her pregnancies in the 70's and we're all perfectly healthy. She smoked at home until the mid 80's. Does that mean I'd smoke while pregnant with my children, or expose my child to cigarette smoke.Not a chance.

I'd say 80% of irish adults came from homes where one of their parents smoked. Smoking was endemic in Irish society up to very recently. So most of us have anecdotal stories. However we are now very aware of the real dangers of smoking. The medical facts of the dangers of smoking in pregnancy and around infants are well documented.

Vohnsom Hofmee

Orion wrote: »

Mod Note
Folks
There have been a few posts that I'm not happy with. If you look at the other forum I mod you'll see where I'm coming from.


Posts like these are not helpful.

• "I can't understand any woman not being willing to quit smoking for a mere 9 months for the sake of her baby. "
  
• "Maybe if she sees that she's behaving like a scumbag she'll stop?"
  
• "My niece smoked drank and took all kinds of recreational crap during her pregnancy. her son is permenantly damaged"

Posts like "Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Smoking is both a physical and psychological addiction." are informative.

And posts like "I would shift the focus to smoking when the baby is born." are helpful.

Please understand the difference and observe January's instruction: "I do not want any snide comments or digs at the OP's wife on this thread." Any posts similar to the unhelpful examples given above will be deleted and infracted without futher warning.

Personal note
Giving up smoking is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's horrendously difficult. the fact that smoking actually causes stress that results in more smoking is an intellectual argument that a smoker can't even fathom due to the addiction. I can't imagine what it would be like for a pregnant woman to try it at the same time as growing a baby.

My advice is similar to Sharrow's. Support your wife. Encourage her to quit/cut down rather than trying to force her to. Encourage the option of not smoking around the baby when it's born. If she ultimately quits then great. But you yourself will have to accept the fact that you cannot make her quit. Only she can make that decision for herself. As a former 40 a day smoker I can tell you this with full confidence - if she wants to quit she will, if she doesn't then she won't. All you can hope for is to get her buy-in that she won't smoke around the child after birth.

That's all well and good, but a lot of people simply do not have sympathy for somebody whose addiction causes harm to children.

January

Vohnsom Hofmee wrote: »

That's all well and good, but a lot of people simply do not have sympathy for somebody whose addiction causes harm to children.

If you have a problem with on thread moderation, PM the mod in question, do not argue on thread.

Our forum has a rule of being civil to other posters and no personal abuse. Calling someone a scumbag is personal abuse.

cynder

How Strange wrote: »

grindelwald wrote: »

As for stats the my mother, neighbour, sister, friend scenario they are all included in those stats, they are the hard evidence, not something written down in a book, real people with real stories.

My mother smoked during all her pregnancies in the 70's and we're all perfectly healthy. She smoked at home until the mid 80's. Does that mean I'd smoke while pregnant with my children, or expose my child to cigarette smoke.Not a chance.

I'd say 80% of irish adults came from homes where one of their parents smoked. Smoking was endemic in Irish society up to very recently. So most of us have anecdotal stories. However we are now very aware of the real dangers of smoking. The medical facts of the dangers of smoking in pregnancy and around infants are well documented.

I see where you are coming from. I don't smoke, I wouldn't allow my kids around someone that did, its my choice, others choose to take the risk, for some it works out, for others it does not, it all comes down to our personal choice.

What risks we are willing to take and what risks we are not willing to take. We cannot force our personal views on others. We are all entitled to do as we wish ( as long as it's not illegal) and smoking while pregnant is legal.

Orion

JustAThought wrote: »

20 a day?
And pregnant?
It's so selfish & feckless it's shocking.

Minimum 1 week ban for the next remark like this from anyone. I don't think I can make this any clearer. The OP asked for advice not for his wife to get abuse.

username123

OP, I just quit smoking this year. To be perfectly honest I didnt think it was that hard. What was hard was making the decision to actually stop and acting on it. I was trying to stop for a number of years, without stopping at all.

You have to want to quit. I really really wanted to. I hated being a smoker, I felt disgusting, dirty, unhealthy, horrible. I was down to around 7 a day before actually stopping.

I dont know if anything would have made me stop except myself. My husband used to tell me if I quit smoking Id be perfect. That it was the only thing he didnt like about me. Every so often he would bring it up and Id get annoyed. Its an addiction plain and simple and the addict wont hear what they dont want to hear and may use anger or upset as a defence mechanism.

What I would do in your situation would be to implore your wife to try to quit right now, and ask her to go to her GP for assistance in quitting. No anger, no upset, no barraging her daily, just one serious conversation with you saying NOW is the time, please do this.

Show her the quitting smoking forum here, it really helps.

Best of luck, its such an awful habit, I totally feel for the position that you are in, and your wife too. Its very very hard.

JustAThought

Good suggestions there username123.

foxinsocks

I am a reformed smoker. I smoked for years before quitting when I got my first positive pregnancy result. The first time I quit I used Alan Carr, and did find it very helpful

However, there is something that most non smokers cannot possibly understand. While you are smoking, it's an addiction, and as an addiction, your brain is altered to the point where basically you will do anything and tell yourself anything necessary in order to get the next cigarette, both consciously and subconsciously. It doesn't matter how many warnings are there, how much scientific evidence there is. It doesn't matter that when you go to bed your wallet is empty, and when you wake up in the morning your lungs are full. It doesn't matter that your teeth are yellow, that your clothes/car/house all stink. Because every time you light a cigarette it talks to you. It says 'I am delicious, I make your life better. Don't worry, I love you. I could never ever do anything to hurt you. You are cool, and important. You could never cope without me' Every Time. When you see anti smoking messages on the tv, you don't think 'wow, that ad makes sense, I should really stop smoking right now!' you think 'wow, a cigarette sounds yummy to me around now'. You spend every meal out wondering if there's going to be enough time between courses to grab one, and you don't see how this spoils the meal. You don't see the damage they do, you don't accept that they damage other people, if smokers *truly* believed even one of the warnings on the packets, they would never smoke. My own father died of lung cancer, and even I didn't truly believe anything would ever happen to me.

Smoking is not a rational choice once you're hooked, it can't be. It doesn't make sense for any reason. They don't even taste nice until you're already hooked. And that is the problem, OP. Your wife doesn't really truly believe anything bad could possibly happen to her, or your baby as a result of her habit. And she probably doesn't believe she will be able to quit either.

For me, quitting was easy. It was actually a relief, because I finally had a louder voice in my head every time I thought about lighting up. It made me picture cradling my newborn, with a fag hanging out of my mouth, blowing smoke directly in her face. It made me picture a toddler with a lit cigarette in his hand, puffing away. It sort of cleared the smoke addled fog from my mind and I finally saw cigarettes for the filthy disgusting murderous liars that they are.

This has become somewhat of a novel! In terms of advice for the OP, I'm afraid there probably isn't anything you can do to make her quit if she doesn't already want to. I think you should suggest she cuts right down, and if she smokes in her car or in your home, ask her to stop doing so. Don't get angry, don't get accusatory. Try to phrase it like 'it'd be better if we had the house smoke free for a while so when the baby comes home it's healthier'. 'We don't want the baby smelling of smoke when we bring her home from the hospital'. You'll have to be as kind as you possibly can, because getting yourself worked up will only make her defensive and will actually make her more determined to smoke. You could buy the Alan carr book, because it does work in many cases, however you'll have to be really careful about pushing her.

Good luck, and congratulations on becoming a father. Enjoy it.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone - foxinsocks in particular. The way you describe how you felt is exactly how I think my OH is feeling, and it is precisely why it is so difficult to have the conversation. It is now at the point where she has made me feel like I can't bring it up ever again, and she just shuts down any attempt to raise it. I could accept this if I felt she was making a genuine effort to cut back - but I really don't think this is the case. I genuinely feel that she is so in their grip, that everything else can be sacrificed including the health of the baby or the quality of our relationship.

Her father needs to cut back for health reasons, and I know she will listen to him. I am hoping that he finds some therapy (e.g. hypnosis\accupuncture\etc.) that the two of them can go through together and I think this is the only chance for success.

Toots

Would you be able to have a word with her dad and ask him to talk to her? Maybe if he approached it along the lines of 'will we cut down together?' rather than telling her to cut down for the baby, they might be able to be a good support to each other.

analucija

NewDad2012 wrote: »

Thanks everyone - foxinsocks in particular. The way you describe how you felt is exactly how I think my OH is feeling, and it is precisely why it is so difficult to have the conversation. It is now at the point where she has made me feel like I can't bring it up ever again, and she just shuts down any attempt to raise it. I could accept this if I felt she was making a genuine effort to cut back - but I really don't think this is the case. I genuinely feel that she is so in their grip, that everything else can be sacrificed including the health of the baby or the quality of our relationship.

Her father needs to cut back for health reasons, and I know she will listen to him. I am hoping that he finds some therapy (e.g. hypnosis\accupuncture\etc.) that the two of them can go through together and I think this is the only chance for success.

I am one of those lucky people who find it easy to quit. But even I would find it pretty annoying whenever somebody was lecturing me on dangers of smoking when I had no intention of quitting. At best they would be ignored. As foxinsocks said it's not like people are not able to process on rational level that they are doing damage to themselves or those around them. I feel you might be just increasing your wife's feeling of guilt or even inadequacy without really having any success. Finding somebody (her father) that would quit with her might help. Bringing her a motivational book might help (personally Alan Carr annoys the hell out of me but his ideas do help some), talking to somebody who successfully quit might spur her into a right direction. But don't make her feel that she is a bad person or scum as somebody suggested. No matter what some think, nobody does everything right during their pregnancy or after and even if you are almost perfect, things still can go wrong.

spacecookie555

NewDad2012 wrote: »

My wife is expecting our first child, and still smoking nearly 20 a day. She tried cutting down initially - using patches briefly, but over the last few weeks she is back to the kind of levels she was smoking before being pregnant.

So far everything looks good from scans etc., but I am worried about the longterm effects.

I have never been a smoker, so I don't comprehend the power of cravings - but it's clear that any conversation about cutting back or quitting is out as she feels it is an attack and I can't understand the power of the addiction. The doctors\midwives said that cutting back is better than nothing, but she seems to see this as an excuse to continue.

Her own family all smoke, and haven't really put any pressure on for her to stop.

Has anyone else experienced this, or can anyone recommended some way to help her cut back?

Hey OP a friend of mine had a similar problem, she was a very heavy smoker and she found it hard aswel, what she did was giv her ciggarettes to her boyfriend and held onto 10 herself, she spread these out over the day and then started to cut down by one a week, like 9 a day for a week, then 8 a day for a week, etc... Eventually she cut it down to the point where she was able to give up a lot easier.
I think the main thing is to empathise with your wife, smoking is an addiction, a serious one and she probably feels bad about it which is why she would react badly to someone questioning it so maybe just sit her down and tell her that you are going to be her strength that you know its hard but youre going to help her every step of the way because you are both in this together.
Hope this helps

XxMCRxBabyxX

NewDad2012 wrote: »

Thanks everyone - foxinsocks in particular. The way you describe how you felt is exactly how I think my OH is feeling, and it is precisely why it is so difficult to have the conversation. It is now at the point where she has made me feel like I can't bring it up ever again, and she just shuts down any attempt to raise it. I could accept this if I felt she was making a genuine effort to cut back - but I really don't think this is the case. I genuinely feel that she is so in their grip, that everything else can be sacrificed including the health of the baby or the quality of our relationship.

Her father needs to cut back for health reasons, and I know she will listen to him. I am hoping that he finds some therapy (e.g. hypnosis\accupuncture\etc.) that the two of them can go through together and I think this is the only chance for success.

I'm going to suggest something that may not go down well here but here goes... (if it has already been suggested my apologies)

Would your wife be willing to quit/cut down/use artificial cigarettes for the duration of the pregnancy with the agreement that she can go back to her habit when the baby is born? She may feel that you are trying to force her to give up completely so perhaps if you try bargain in this sense it might make things easier (I don't know if you have already)

I know that it's not ideal but it might be the best way to go about it. It's what my mum did for all three of her pregnancies. And you never know, the few months without cigarettes could even encourage her to quit completely

MariMel

Ive never smoked so I have no understanding of the addiction that is cigarettes.
My sis in law smoked when pregnant and both she and my brother said....it never did any of us harm.....it didnt do her any harm with her daughter.....that was til their child was born full term at under 5lbs. They said that it wasnt due to the smoking that the baby was so small and even now at 5 he is a lot smaller than children his age. BUT......The next year when she fell pregnant again, even though the year before she smoked, this time she stopped the moment she found out and had a healthy normal sized baby who at 3 is the same size as her brother.
Any addiction would be very hard for someone to go cold turkey on and if the OPs wife is unable to do this then either the electric cigarette on the odd real one is the way to go. My social worker friend smoked the odd one here and there when she was pregnant...she couldnt give them up, but just knowing she could have the odd one now and again give her the encouragement to go without most of the time. Obviously restriciting the amount of exposure she is having to second hand smoke too, so speak to her family. Its your baby, noone in their right mind should object to you asking them to smoke outside.

I am a friend

My mother smoked on me. I was born at 4lb and have had bad chest problems since