Anyone feeling Polyamorous?

Doc

Last year my friend started seeing a girl. She was a bit of a hippy chick and a bit weird (in my opinion) but she seemed nice enough and they were getting on well and he seemed to be really into her.

After a while my friend came to me and told me that he was having problems with the relationship. The problems stemmed from the fact that the girl wanted a polyanimorus relationship. For those of you that don’t know Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

From what he told me she wanted him to be her main partner but that they would both be free to have relationships with other people within agreed limits. She said that limits were a negotiable thing but the fact that she wanted that type of relationship ultimately wasn’t.

My friend was very conflicted by all this. He had never been in that kind of relationship or known anyone who was. He has a tendency to overanalyse things anyway but this was really stressing him out. He was obviously interested in the possibility of meeting other women, who if he felt a strong physical connection too there would be no problem in him having a sexual relationship with, but on the other side he was worried about how he would feel knowing she was with someone else.

I told him that personally I couldn’t do it that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself getting jealous and that I would feel like our relationship was less intimate. He said that the idea was to not associate the physical acts as something to be jealous about that the idea was that the person chose to be with you for other deeper reasons and that therefore there should be no need for jealousy between you. She gave him a book which explained the ideas and how you can go about making it work.

In the end it didn’t work out between them but he is still very interested in the idea of polyamory and is currently seeing a couple of girls who know about each other.

Personally I couldn’t do it I am pretty much a one woman kind of guy and don’t really feel the need for more than one partner and if I ever do that’s what porn is for.
I wouldn’t want my girlfriend being with anyone else either as I like that that is something only we share. I don’t even like her telling me about anything she did with old boyfriends so there is no way I could deal with polyamory.

But it does work for some people and at least they are honest about it and intentionally avoid the idea of cheating.

So what are your opinions on polyanimorus relationships?

policarp

Harem scare'em. . .

Cookie_Monster

become Denobulan
http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Denobulan
3 wives for every man and three husbands for every woman... complicated

Vicar in a tutu

God no.. what a head f#ck

yore

Different question, same answer


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=79175413&postcount=2

Doc

yore wrote: »

Different question, same answer


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=79175413&postcount=2

Don't really get the idea of the yellow card do you?:rolleyes:

hairyprincess

Your 'friend' you say eh?

Gummy Panda

I couldn't. I would get jealous and nasty.

Pushtrak

It isn't for everyone. I'm not sure it would come naturally for me. I wouldn't think anything less of anyone who took it as a lifestyle though. The important point here though is polyamory isn't really a thing for everyone. Most people probably wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Such an arrangement could have some advantages and disadvantages compared to a more traditional two person arrangement.

Doc

hairyprincess wrote: »

Your 'friend' you say eh?

:DYea I know even typing that I thought to myself "Would I believe that it isn't me if I read it?" But in all honesty it is a friend not me.

Sunnyisland

Doc wrote: »

Don't really get the idea of the yellow card do you?:rolleyes:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056642460

danniemcq

Main one for sweet tender love making

backups for when you want to

A) get kinky with an odd fetish you don't want the one you love to know you have
she's got her Aunt flow visiting
C) try a bit of backdoor action.

Don't see a major issue though bar having more than one woman doing your head in

Sunnyisland

For some people it would be great and seem reasonable and even enlightened to have such a relationship,On the other it would seem very likely to me that one of the people in the relationship would feel used and is getting seconds and wouldn't be very happy at all and personally I like my women for me and realies doesn't share.

holystungun9

danniemcq wrote: »

Main one for sweet tender love making

backups for when you want to

A) get kinky with an odd fetish you don't want the one you love to know you have
she's got her Aunt flow visiting
C) try a bit of backdoor action.

Don't see a major issue though bar having more than one woman doing your head in

There is no try, only do or do not.

Fizzlesque

Not a hope in hell I'd be able to cope with that, from either perspective. Even though I've never wanted to get married, and have always questioned our [humans] expectation that we'll meet someone with whom we choose to spend the rest of our lives (that scares the bejaysus out of me :eek:) I don't think multiple simultaneous relationships would work for me either.

Back in my twenties, I was in love with two men at the same time (they both knew about the other one) and to say it wrecked my head is an understatement. Although I went on to have a long term relationship with one of them, I never managed to get the other man fully out of my head, and when my relationship ended, I spent some time with him but we didn't pursue a relationship (for many reasons). Even something as simple as hugging one man, versus hugging the other man, wrecked my head because they had completely different body physiques and for some reason that made a lasting impression on me, in terms of highlighting the 'wrongness' (for me) of being very close to two men at the same time.

From the other perspective; I wouldn't be able to deal with another woman touching my man or kissing my man. No way. End of story. I need total exclusivity when I'm in a serious relationship - and I need to give the same in return.

Red Hand

Making love to many cartoon characters? Maybe...if Jessica Rabbit is involved...:pac:

danniemcq

holystungun9 wrote: »

There is no try, only do or do not.

well kinda is,

you could try and put it in by "accident", whereas your GF might know you better and know exactly what you had planned someone else might not.

I have no idea what animorous means
apparently it is a word but most of the results on google are blocked

anyway polyamory wouldn't be my thing

Doc

Doc wrote: »

From what he told me she wanted him to be her main partner but that they would both be free to have relationships with other people within agreed limits. She said that limits were a negotiable thing but the fact that she wanted that type of relationship ultimately wasn’t.

My own relationship is like a mix between polygamy and Polyamory with some clear differences on both. Like you however I do not think full Polyamory would be for me. Not because of jealousy either. It just is not the kind of relationship I want to be in or the way in which I feel I want to express my sexuality.

The status of my own position is that I (male) live in a full time relationship with two women. We have our first of a planned 4 children already, a house, a dog (actually wolf) and all the other things and commitments and exclusivity normally related to "normal" couples. We call our relationship a "truple" rather than a couple - as a form of tongue in cheek name for it. Unlike a lot of polygamy however the girls are sexually active together too, rather than the more traditional view of polygamy where one man is "shared" by multiple independant women.

The closest we come to Polyamory is that we are somewhat intimate and tactile with a close group of friends we sometime jokingly refer to as our "inner circle". There is no sex here however which is how it differs from Polyamory. These are friends we feel close enough to - and safe enough with - to not be bothered being naked around - cuddling up to/with - kissing - sharing a bed with - or sharing secrets or private things with. People in this "cicle" are there by the approval of all three of us.

There is no jealousy involved with this - but clearly this involves being in a relationship with very open and frequent trust and communication. Sexual expression of our relationship is only among us - no one else in or out of the "inner circle" of friends. I simply do not think such an "open" relationship as I guess most people call it would be for us - certainly not for me - and I am 99.9% sure not for them either. But at the same time I am glad to express my feelings for different friends on a continuum of intimacy that is not just the usual traditional boxes people place friends and partners in.

All that said I am far from one to worry about it in others. If it works for them it works. Who am I to say anything else about it? There are far too many people - especially on subjects like homosexuality - who rather than worry about what is sexually right for them... worry instead about what should be sexually right for others.

smash

It depends... can the multiple partners all get involved together during sexy time?

abouttobebanned

The odds of finding two irish women that would agree to that are roughly the same as winning the euro millions and being attacked by a donkey - on the same day.

danniemcq

It could happen,

Just ask Fr. Larry Duff

sbsquarepants

Sounds like some mish mash of fúck buddy / girlfriend. Whatever floats your boat is fine by me, but it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all. I have no problem with fúck buddies going and doing whatever the hell they want, when they want, with who they want.
But when it comes to being in a relationship, she better keep her legs closed or she's out the door - end of story.

sbsquarepants

sbsquarepants wrote: »

But when it comes to being in a relationship, she better keep her legs closed or she's out the door - end of story.

So you don't want sex with your girlfriend? :pac:

flutterflye

What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy?

No, it wouldn't be for me at all.
I wouldn't look down on anyone who choose that kind of relationship though.

al28283

Polyanimorus?

This is not a word. is it a Harry Potter thing

Sarky

It's a pretty sweet deal if everyone can be grown up about it. Very few people seem to manage that though.

seamus

I would not be capable of being grown up about it. Mainly I could see my self standing over a bloody corpse with a lump hammer after my wife came home and told me that <insert other guy's name here> had upset her or hurt her.

I think it's something which needs a few things aligned in order to work properly. Ideally the "open" concept needs to exist near the start of the relationship before anyone feels too into a monogamous one already. Age is probably a very strong factor too on both sides, younger people feeling more like they have to compete. I think for men, the desire for children might also be a big factor. If you think you want kids, but some other guy is having sex with your missus, then you have an issue. If children are not a factor in the relationship, then it's probably easier to handle.

My suspicion is that women would probably find it easier to "share" a man than men would to "share" a woman, but that may be just because I'm a man.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

All that said I am far from one to worry about it in others. If it works for them it works. Who am I to say anything else about it? There are far too many people - especially on subjects like homosexuality - who rather than worry about what is sexually right for them... worry instead about what should be sexually right for others.

Couldn't agree with you more there. The world would be a better place if people just minded their own business a bit more!
I don't think your set up would work for me personally. Sounds like a bloody good weekend though!

bluewolf wrote: »

So you don't want sex with your girlfriend? :pac:

I may have phrased that badly!!

super_furry

It's tough enough keeping one one woman happy, I don't think I'd be able to add another into the mix.

grindle

al28283 wrote: »

Polyanimorus?

He means 'Polyamorous', and thanks to your question, I've side-stepped an unnecessary Grammar Nazi doo-dah. Thanks for that.

Grammar Nazism isn't all bad, mods.
Once I TL;DR-ed the OP, I just presumed he wanted to fuck multiple animals.

Fizzlesque

seamus wrote: »

My suspicion is that women would probably find it easier to "share" a man than men would to "share" a woman, but that may be just because I'm a man.

I suspect it is because you're a man you think that.

If I was to be involved in any kind of 'sharing' it would have to be me who has two men, and not my man having two women.

Maybe I'm not a good representation of 'what women are about', because I've had only a few serious relationships but I've enjoyed very many flings/dalliances and settling down, having children, being a family was never on my to-do list; I'm quite a strong character, not exactly dominant, or, at least, not excessively dominant, but it takes a strong and self assured man to bring out the best in me, and to have an equal-footing relationship. Another woman wouldn't fare very well at all, at all...

Scanlas The 2nd

Fizzlesque wrote: »

Not a hope in hell I'd be able to cope with that, from either perspective. Even though I've never wanted to get married, and have always questioned our [humans] expectation that we'll meet someone with whom we choose to spend the rest of our lives (that scares the bejaysus out of me :eek:) I don't think multiple simultaneous relationships would work for me either.

Back in my twenties, I was in love with two men at the same time (they both knew about the other one) and to say it wrecked my head is an understatement. Although I went on to have a long term relationship with one of them, I never managed to get the other man fully out of my head, and when my relationship ended, I spent some time with him but we didn't pursue a relationship (for many reasons). Even something as simple as hugging one man, versus hugging the other man, wrecked my head because they had completely different body physiques and for some reason that made a lasting impression on me, in terms of highlighting the 'wrongness' (for me) of being very close to two men at the same time.

From the other perspective; I wouldn't be able to deal with another woman touching my man or kissing my man. No way. End of story. I need total exclusivity when I'm in a serious relationship - and I need to give the same in return.

Why can't you deal with another woman kissing your man even of you know he won't leave you for her?

sbsquarepants

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Sounds like a bloody good weekend though!

Indeed Alas my weekends are the same as that of any couple. Most of it is spent working on the garden, entertaining the baby, shopping and hoping there might be a good football game to watch with the lads and hoping there may be time among all that to indulge some of my hobbies and pursuits.

Teyla Emmagan

God no, not in a relationship. Someone would end up under the patio TBH.

Fizzlesque

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Why can't you deal with another woman kissing your man even of you know he won't leave you for her?

Why?

Well, for starters, the one man/one woman set up is what I've always known to be 'normal', and am used to.

For seconds, I'm quite an intense creature, and that intensity in a romantic/sexual situation leaves no room for another woman - I like to have my man's sole and unwavering interest/attention when it comes to world of mutual physical pleasure.

Lastly, (and this may be misinterpreted, hope not) I probably tend to become a tad possessive when I fall in love. Not possessive in a controlling way, but possessive in a 'I belong to you, you belong to me' at this moment in time, sort of way. I mean this in a physical/sexual/intimate context, NOT in a how you spend your free time - I'm all for each partner having a bit of space to do their own thing, just not nekkid stuff with another woman....:)

Edit: this applies to relationships, not casual affairs. I still wouldn't like there to be another woman when I'm enjoying a casual affair, but accept I can't make such a demand.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

Indeed Alas my weekends are the same as that of any couple. Most of it is spent working on the garden, entertaining the baby, shopping and hoping there might be a good football game to watch with the lads and hoping there may be time among all that to indulge some of my hobbies and pursuits.

Sounds like a good weekend too.
God damn life of Reilly you've got there!!:D

stupidusername

Deleted User wrote: »

Indeed Alas my weekends are the same as that of any couple.

If you don't mind sharing, could you say how exactly did you meet your two girls? It seems like doubly hard work to find 2 people that share your exact view on a relationship (like this) they want, especially in this country.

stupidusername

stupidusername wrote: »

If you don't mind sharing, could you say how exactly did you meet your two girls? It seems like doubly hard work to find 2 people that share your exact view on a relationship (like this) they want, especially in this country.

It was not deliberate. I doubt we even _had_ this view of relationships before we met. If someone had asked any of us 8 years ago would we enter into that kind of relationship we likely would not have said yes.

There is clearly a difference between wanting and seeking that kind of relationship - and finding yourself in one - and we fall into the latter category. I guess the story told by the OP is of the former and as you yourself say - I would not envy someone who wants it and has to go looking for people into it.

I go to a lot of live music in and around Dublin, Galway, Cork, Carlow and Dundalk. I have probably spent more money in Whelans and The Spirit Store and Roisin Dubh than I have in all the other bars in Ireland together.

I have always been fond of going to the websites and forums for the music I like and organising "pre gig drinks" at a pub in or near the venue. I have met and chatted with lots of people through that - including the girls.

Over time we just got closer - to the point where stuff happened between us - and as it evolved we realised there was strong feelings there on all our parts and so it evolved into a relationship.

I could not point to any day, week or month where it "happened". It was a slow evolutionary process from Day 1 to today. I guess some of the best relationships work like that.

christmas2012

a polyamourous relationship is not a relationship its casual sex then,anybody who has multiple relationships for the sake of an extra partner is not taking you serious and doesnt view relationships with respect..

stupidusername

Deleted User wrote: »

It was not deliberate. I doubt we even _had_ this view of relationships before we met. If someone had asked any of us 8 years ago would we enter into that kind of relationship we likely would not have said yes.

This, I find very odd. I mean a big majority of people wouldn't agree to a relationship with someone whereby that person can have a relationship with someone else, let alone want to have a relationship with that other person themselves. I find it even odder that you found each other when you weren't even looking for that kind of set up. Did the girls identify themselves as bisexual the three of you got to know each other?

davet82

Polyanimorus, sounded like a dinosaur thread, pity

christmas2012

christmas2012 wrote: »

anybody who has multiple relationships for the sake of an extra partner is not taking you serious and doesnt view relationships with respect..

I would be a little slower to jump to that conclusion. It is similar to calling someone "immoral" because they have a different moral opinion to you. Having different morals is not the same as having no morals.

Similarly having a different set of criteria for what you want from a relationship should not be automatically equated with having no respect for relationships at all. They likely take relationships just as seriously as you do - they just differ on what they want that to entail.

stupidusername wrote: »

I find it even odder that you found each other when you weren't even looking for that kind of set up. Did the girls identify themselves as bisexual the three of you got to know each other?

I sometimes think some of the best relationships happen when you are not looking for them. In fact often on the Personal Issues forum on boards.ie when someone asks how to find a partner my advice is almost always "Stop trying" and to get on with your own life as best you can - be true to yourself and the ideal of bettering yourself each day - and you will find the finding a partner thing works itself out on your journey.

The same was true of me and the girls. We were living our lives - we came into each others lives - and slowly over time we realised that the future and dreams we held for ourselves had each other in it and we could imagine life no other way. One of my definitions of "love" in fact when asked.

The girls do not identify as Bisexual. Before each other - and since - they have never been sexually active or attracted to other women at all. It seems solely each other they have those feelings for.

Yes, with some closer friends they kiss and cuddle as I said in the first post on the thread - sometimes quite intimately - but its an emotional bond rather than sexual and they have expressed nor had any sexual feelings towards same sex other than this.

Gyalist

christmas2012 wrote: »

a polyamourous relationship is not a relationship its casual sex then,anybody who has multiple relationships for the sake of an extra partner is not taking you serious and doesnt view relationships with respect..

That's completely untrue. Polyamorous relationships are not the same as open relationships, and even people in open relationships have rules that respect the primary partner.

Fluid bonding when practiced by people in polyamorous relationships makes those relationships closed and there are often commitment ceremonies e.g. handfasting, that underpin them.

christmas2012

LOL @ respect ,how can there be sexual respect in a polyamourous relationship,all that spreading around of bodily fluids,even if they use a condom and lets face it condoms to a lot of guys are a joke..

STDS is no laughing matter,you can easily get one with all this reckless sexual activity that goes in in multiple relationships or polyamourous relationships..

As for morals they are seriously lacking,and i reserve the right to judge anybody who conducts themselves in such a low fashion,such as being in a polyamourous relationship..

christmas2012

christmas2012 wrote: »

LOL @ respect ,how can there be sexual respect in a polyamourous relationship,all that spreading around of bodily fluids,even if they use a condom and lets face it condoms to a lot of guys are a joke..

STDS is no laughing matter,you can easily get one with all this reckless sexual activity that goes in in multiple relationships or polyamourous relationships..

As for morals they are seriously lacking,and i reserve the right to judge anybody who conducts themselves in such a low fashion,such as being in a polyamourous relationship..

and everyone else reserves the right to judge you too

there's nothing "low fashion" about it
if you don't like it don't do it and mind your own business

christmas2012

I think its everyones business being honest,if there are polyamourous relationships or cult like relationships being conducted it is SOCIETYS BUSINESS,as STDS is a serious concern..

christmas2012

christmas2012 wrote: »

I think its everyones business being honest,if there are polyamourous relationships or cult like relationships being conducted it is SOCIETYS BUSINESS,as STDS is a serious concern..

first of all, if they're in a relationship you don't want to be in they may not be sleeping with you
secondly don't sleep with someone who isn't clean & use protection
thirdly people who have ONS are just as at risk and that has nothing to do with relationships

otherwise, not your business

Splinter

christmas2012 wrote: »

I think its everyones business being honest,if there are polyamourous relationships or cult like relationships being conducted it is SOCIETYS BUSINESS,as STDS is a serious concern..

Really don't agree with that. People who have these type are relationships are VERY different from people who go out cheating on a partner. I am not currently in this type of relationship, but i have been in something similar in the past. The fact people define themselves and are Polyamourous shows more respect IMO.

i really can't understand where STDs come into it. whats to stop a single person sleeping with loads of people and spreading STDs? what does being in a polyamourous relationship have to do with that?

christmas2012

Thats bull**** in a relationship first thing to go out the window is condoms,if you seriously think im as naive as to belive that your having a laugh,and anyway with condoms 'accidents can happen',what if the partner was already on the pill what then,condoms are seen as less important then..

The impact of polyamourous relationships and what it has on society with regard to stds is everybodys business,its in the interest of public health..

Something that one should be responsible with is sex,and the reasons why are endless..

stupidusername

christmas2012 wrote: »

Thats bull**** in a relationship first thing to go out the window is condoms,if you seriously think im as naive as to belive that your having a laugh,and anyway with condoms 'accidents can happen',what if the partner was already on the pill what then,condoms are seen as less important then..

wtf are you on about