Complicated relationship with Friend

mikiemcc

Hi,

I've been good friends with a girl for the last 5 years or so since secondary school we are both now in our early 20's, especially the last couple of years we have been best friends. On or off texting constantly etc.

She has had a few boyfriends over the years but they never came to much and in the end she would come to me for advice after a break up or if she was going through a rough patch for advice and some support. Usually we wouldnt text as much at all if she was in a relationship as often we would end up sexting each other or flirting.

I have had a few relationships over the same time but they never came to anything and I never was too sad over break ups. It wouldnt bother me that much for some reason.

Just after last christmas she had a bad break up with a boyfriend who didnt treat her great of about 11 months it absolutly devistated her and she has had a rough time getting through it. She stopped texting him and asked me to delete him off her facebook page as it hurt her too much to do it.

A couple of months later we started meeting up every day as we live only 2 miles away at most going for drives, watchin movies just chatting about her last relationship as I felt I was helping her through it. even her mom asked me would I try and help her. Then we started getting very close and we started having sex as friends, we would both be the fairly aventureious type and both of us agreed that we really enjoyed it at the time and that we both have no regrets about it. We would go away for weekends together and really had a lovely time. If she had any little or big problem she would call me and honestly I loved being her friend to rely on.

We both work voluntarily in the same organisation and she used to come to me to help her if she needed help in her position or if she had an issue I always did my best to help but It used to put me under a little pressure sometimes as I have a more senior role as her and I was unable to give her precidence over others.

Then in the last two months a lot of mutual friends have started suggesting that we are going out etc which is understandable as we spent so much time together. It used to annoy her and anger her she used to say its because she is so worn out from relationships that she wouldnt go out with a fella for at least 9 months and the taughts of going out make her sick, however at the same time she would say if I started going out with another girl this summer and I wasnt around as much It would devistate her. Honestly in my own opinion I would jump at the chance to go out with her at the time.

Now over the last month or so we have stopped having sex, and I have felt us drift away from each other even though she is adamint we havent she still says we are best friends and that Im her closest friend. But we dont spend as much time together at all anymore, I dont feel that same spark to chat when we text which we don't do as much anymore.

I have gotten very jelious now if she talks about other fellas that she has met on nights out or if she is texting them etc, I hate myself as I want her to be happy but I just feel sick now if I know she is spending time with other people like we used to. She has started contacting her ex now regularly and she is spending a lot of time all of a sudden with a single fella in the locality who is about 10 years older than her and is calling to his house matching movies, Ever before she knew him I never really liked him as he would be the type always in trouble of some description, wouldnt have any respect for the law (drink driving etc etc). Now we end up haveing fights over my jeliously. One occasion an local event was on in a pub and she said she wouldnt go out unless I went too so she would have a friend to be there and she got talking to this fella which i mentioned above and speent most of the night chatting and having a laff with him. in fact we went back to another house in a group and the couple owners asked me any chance I would get rid of him as it was now 4am and they wanted to go to bed so I started getting her and him out of the place and she got highky angry with me and started mocking me when we were all getting dropped home

We still meet up, but only about once a week, She would still say she is sad or disappointed in me if I went doing something "fun" in her eyes without asking her. So I have been making a massive effort to move everything to suit her. But I feel she doesnt return that favour. I feel im just being used now to occupy her time.

I dont know what to do I am very down over it, she is a good friend and I feel horrible when Im jelious as she says its unfair on her, I will still have to have contact with her as we work together but I dont know am I better cutting off all friendship ties with her or battle through it. I feel what I think is heartbroken and Im down almost ever evening now over it.



What can i do to stop annoying her and feeling horrible?

Thanks for taking the time to read my post I realise it is very long.
If you have any more questions just ask. Thanks

Elmidena

Oh dear OP, that does sound rough. You have my sympathies *hugs*

Tell her straight out that you were there for the bad times and helped her into the good times, if she doesn't want you fair enough but you would like a relationship with her if she was open to it. If she doesn't then minimise contact to protect yourself. There's no need to cut it all out completely, but tell her that you feel a connection with her and you don't want to hear about these other guys, she has other friends for that. It's just rubbing the salt in.

I think she's just immature. She had a rough breakup, had a fling with you and maybe found herself falling for you, or assumed you'd find someone else when summer came around so she beat you to it so to speak, and cooled things off herself as a means to protect herself. It's understandable but she seems a bit cruel at the same point. She knows you have her back after all you've done, and maybe she just thinks that you're the backup plan and will be waiting in the wings to cheer her up if it all goes to hell. Well OP, you're worth more than that! You don't have to phrase it as an ultimatum but basically she needs to decide where you fit in in her life, and does it match up with where you think you are/want to be. You've a long established friendship, but sex does blur the lines, and it might be possible that you can't remain friends with her if it just means getting your heart squashed with her acting childishly/unthinkingly week in week out. Ask her to watch a film together or grab a burger or something you used to do that isn't a date and is normal for friends to do when hanging out and talk to her then, definitely not in a scenario that could end up in bed as that'll just end up with more confusion and jealousy and whatnot afterwards. But tbh OP, you deserve more than she is giving you

Elmidena

Also, forgot to say:
Screw the stop annoying her and feeling horrible business, take a more positive approach of making yourself feel better FOR yourself, not as a side effect of someone else's whims. You can't help being upset, and telling her about it does voice your opinion and lets her understand, but at the same time it's not really solving a problem for you if she isn't receptive, it's just flipping the sheet. The stain's still there but you're pretending it's not. Find a way to lose the jealousy and regain confidence. If you can't be in a relationship with her, it's not your fault. She's entitled to her own choices but as much as it hurts, you need to find out a way to keep yourself distracted from the negative thoughts and learn to be happy again xxx

mikiemcc

Thanks for the sound advice and the rapid response it was cheered me up tonight. I'm pretty sure I'll be following it thanks

Lorna123

It looks to me that you are in love with this girl OP and in that case you cannot continue a "friendship" with her and not get hurt. You can tell her that you would like an exclusive relationship with her but if she doesn't want that then I would steer clear of her altogether and get on with your life i.e. meet others. I just think that having a platonic friendship with this woman will not work from now on. It also appears to me like she is using you for when she has nobody else and that is just not on. Stand up for yourself and do not allow anyone use you. This woman will have more respect for you if you do that. Whatever feelings she has for you will not come to the surface while you are letting her walk all over you. You sound like a terrific guy so change tactics here fast before all is lost.