Would you end a relationship because someone was lazy and dirty?

therandomguy

I suppose this is aimed at the ladies, but feedback from guys welcome too.
Writing for a friend because I want him to see the effect of what he is (not) doing.

A great friend of mine has been seeing the same girl for more than five years. They used to be really happy together, however she has started to refuse to meet him or visit him. She has told him the reason why. His filthy house.

Basically, would you continue a relationship with someone who is lazy, unmotivated and filthy? By filthy, I mean not cleaning bathrooms or toilets for years. (probably not flushing them either if no one is there to complain. If any of us visit him, we take along bleach for the toilet before we will use it. Some of the guys would rather urinate outside than face this guys bathroom) The kitchen is never cleaned either. Food is left to rot and there is usually a leaking bin bag lying around the kitchen complete with flies. The guy has no fear of maggotts and thinks that they are expected in the summer..
There are bundles of unwashed clothes and bedding lying around in every room including kitchen and hallway. He will not allow any of us to do the laundry for him, and yes, he does have a washing machine and dryer. He lives in quite a secluded spot. If he had neighbours, I am sure that they would complain about the flies and rubbish which is piled up outside the FRONT door as well as back.

He has started to dress inappropriately too. His clothes are looking worn and old. Trousers have obviously shrunk in the wash, but he still wears them. Shoes are usually covered in mud. I know for a fact that his girlfriend has purposely stopped including him when she sees her friends. She used to buy his clothes for him but has had other financial commitments for the past couple of years, and he has not bought himself anything new to wear.
He is not unemployed and is highly educated. He is also in his 40's so old enough to know better. He is a great guy apart from his laziness and filth.

He is going to lose his girlfriend (he would never allow her to tidy up or throw anything away) She has told us that she cannot take it anymore and that he is getting worse instead of better. A few of us has tried to talk to him but he just gets annoyed and tells us to go if we don't like it.

What would you do? (a) would any girls put up with this (b) I went to school with this guy. If he was your friend, would you try to talk to him again at the risk of losing a friendship?

danniemcq

oh god, is this a thread about me?

rubbish outside the house?

phew safe

FatherLen

and yet i'm still single...

I think it's his mental health you need to be worrying about not his relationship status

FatherLen

FatherLen wrote: »

and yet i'm still single...

Thought you had a kid and were on holidays with some young one not too long ago?

*Edit: That was Bishop Brennan actually, never mind!

seamus

He sounds like he may have mental health issues. Have you never seen any of those programmes about hoarders or people living in filthy conditions?

Most of the people on those programmes seem like perfectly nice and normal people, but they just have this "thing" which prevents them from doing anything in relation to cleaning and hygiene.

Have you ever told him to go get some professional help?

christmas2012

sad story for your friend,but i would try to talk to him again,just say its out of good intention that you dont want him to lose his gf..from the gf's point of view shes thinking how can she live with someone who is this filthy...

Nothingbetter2d

lol call these two to go round and clean it for him

Unavailable for Comment

Internet message board diagnosis: Diogenes syndrome.

mauzo

It could be a sign of depression on his part, lack of motivation.

YEs I would leave him if he refused to seek help and get his act together.

augustus gloop

bit of a sweeping statement, but maybe more people than me have noticed a corolation between people who have no self pride in their appearance and their mental state.
do you think friend is in a good place mentally?
it sounds like he might not be.

Nothingbetter2d

syndeyfife wrote: »

It could be a sign of depression on his part, lack of motivation.

YEs I would leave him if he refused to seek help and get his act together.

but i thought you said you was a filthy biatch

VEN

i'd give them a chance, but just a couple of chances. other than that then yes, absolutely – zero tolerance otherwise they'll just walk over you.

works both ways, some girls can be very untidy, some boys still need their mammy. they can get lucky though, they can be both a mess so in that case – they're an ideal match.

Savage Tyrant

Must have a Mickey on him like a baby's arm holding an apple for her to put up with him as long as she has.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Write/Type an anonymous note to him explaining your concerns. Tell him that he WILL lose his GF and friends if he does not change his way and/or seek help as i too think its a mental health issue more so that a personal hygene problem.

Beruthiel

therandomguy wrote: »

not cleaning bathrooms or toilets for years.

probably not flushing them either if no one is there to complain. If any of us visit him, we take along bleach for the toilet before we will use it.

The kitchen is never cleaned either.

Food is left to rot and there is usually a leaking bin bag lying around the kitchen complete with flies.

There are bundles of unwashed clothes and bedding lying around in every room including kitchen and hallway.

This is not a person living in a slightly messy house. This is a man living in his own filth.
I have the heebie jeebies just reading how he lives.
It's shocking.
What's even more shocking is how he's managed to keep a girlfriend for any length of time.
I'd have taken one look and legged it.

I agree with others in this thread, this man has something more deep rooted going on than just being a bit messy.
He needs to see a professional asap.
If you consider yourself his friend, try and get him to one.

I Heart Internet

Yes - they sound like very good reasons to end a relationship (I'm male).

As others have said - if its that bad it might be a pointer to other issues. Is he still keen on work/study/going out? How's his own personal hygiene - apart from his clothes?

Best thing you could do for him is tell him straight....if he wants to stay with his GF he'll thank you....eventually.....might f u out of it to begin with though - I dunno.

pickarooney

Your friend is Joaquin Phoenix and I claim my ten dollars.

Lazy & Dirty, no thanks.
Fit & dirty (in the mind), ta very much.

Latchy

There is a limit as to what is /is not acceptable in these issues and this guys choosen ' lifestyle ' which besides personall appearences ,has health and hygiene issue and has well gone past what any reasonable person would put up with it .He might as mentioned have mental problems or... he might just be a lazy sod who has no intentions of changing his ways but if he's not willing to change his ways and admit he's got a big problem then it shows a complete lack of respect for his girlfriend,friends as well as himself and he can't blame her for wanting to get shot of him .

validusername1

Yeah I wouldn't wanna go near a guy like that
Maybe he needs serious things to happen such as losing his girlfriend/friends to make him realize

Feeona

Powered by Text Enhance eh? Next time I see that name I'll be reminded of a guy who doesn't flush the toilet, doesn't wash himself or change his clothes, leaves piles of rubbish building up inside his house. I'll also be reminded of a girl who's stupid enough to put up with your 'friend'.

TL;DR I associate Text Enhance with dirty, lazy and mind bogglingly stupid people.

Napper Hawkins

Sounds like straight up depression to me. He needs help. But he has to want it and it needs to be made clear to him what he'll lose if he denies it.

December2012

He will lose his girlfriend, and his friends.

Have you ever spoken to him about his mental health?

Giselle

therandomguy wrote: »

What would you do? (a) would any girls put up with this (b) I went to school with this guy. If he was your friend, would you try to talk to him again at the risk of losing a friendship?

I would be really concerned about this guy. Hoarding (even rubbish) and not cleaning are generally symptoms of wider issues that need professional help to resolve. Just telling him to clean the kitchen won't cut it at that stage.

If I was his girlfriend I'd tell him that I'd go with him to any counsellor or mental health professional he needs to see. I'd tell him that we'd go to the doc together and talk about the problem and get it sorted. And I'd tell him that if he refused to psyche himself up and seek treatment within, say, three months, that the relationship will be over because I couldn't live with the filth. I'd make sure that I tell him that he needs to let me help him help himself, because I love him and I want whats best for both of us.

If I wound up meeting resistance and having to make good on the ultimatum, I'm make sure his family and closest friends were very clear on his situation so they could keep an eye out. And I'd tell him he had a window of three more weeks to get started on getting help, or to never contact me again.

--LOS--

umm ye I probably would tbh, no girl is expected to act like their boyfriends mother/maid. And I'm pretty easy going but it is something that has got on my nerves in the past, if someone just will not look after themselves, won't get a haircut unless you tell them to, won't wash their clothes, won't put in the effort if you're going somewhere, won't tidy up their place if you're coming to visit. I mean it's not too much to ask is it and it shows a lot of disrespect imo.

JustAThought

Well you paint a bleak picture but is it really as bad as that!!?

Re the bins & clothes ; could it be that he is simply poor; and can neither afford the bin charges and disposal fees; or new clothes? If he is struggling to mKe ends meet it is "easy" to see how he could let these slide; particularly if he is in a detatched house with no neighbours; long finger job.

Or is the level of waste at the level now where on le of those B&Q disposable skips would be more practical ? ( solution)

It doesnt sound good but it could be simply hidden poverty . Or as many have said depression ; maybe he wasn't " brought up " that way & is used to it being that way.
Cleaning " party"... "This is what it should be like; Its becoming a concern for us ; even the blokes agree; try & keep it like this... "
Schedule for cleaning : daily, weekly, monthly : list & remonder boxes like in pubs/cases/normal places
1: press button after every use
2: pour blue stuff down every week
3; put yokey green thing in cistern every month
4 spray sink with CIF /whatever daily
5 put kitchen bin out daily in big outside bin
Etc!

A schedule might help. Tell him nanny will be coming to inspect & there'll be a pint in it for him every Friday when you pick him ip for a pint/chat if it's ( mostly) all done.

Some people dont see cleanliness the same wAy. Help him " get it" & then you can compare & see if hrs just " not arsed" / competitively dirty or maybe broke or depressed; or both.

shuridunno

My friend steps in when the house gets likes this with me, obviusly I don't let it get that bad, I actually know maggots are not the norm, but, it's filthy at times and overwhelms me, then I can't fix it. Rubbish and dirt pile up.

I have one good friend who see's inside my head when she see's the house like that, she helps me clean it up and gets me back on my feet.

Your mate doesn't seem to mind others seeing the mess, so that's a real sign of resignation, I'd panick at the doorbell and not leave anyone in.

My OH is a total slob and adds to the mess,(but he is not solely to blame) so from the point of view of your friend loosing his GF, he probably will if he cannot tackle this problem. There are days when I want to leave the OH in the mess and move out.

hondasam

therandomguy wrote: »

What would you do? (a) would any girls put up with this (b) I went to school with this guy. If he was your friend, would you try to talk to him again at the risk of losing a friendship?

If he was my friend I would try talk to him again, he obviously has other issues. Has he got a job? Is he depressed or was he always like this?
If I was the GF I would have no interest in him if he was dirty and living in filth.

Teyla Emmagan

That's really sad, poor guy

beltzar

How about getting a cleaner?

We used to row over the cleaning (obviously not to this extent) and the best money we have ever spent is paying a woman to come in once a week for a few hours, to hoover, iron, wash windows. etc

I appreciate money is tight but maybe this might be worth it if it saves a relationship?

1ZRed

You say durty as if it's a bad thing!

Oh. You mean "dirty". Meh :pac:

FanadMan

Been there, done that - as the "friend". Was really bad with depression a few years ago and my whole life was down the drain. I was the exact same - dirty clothes, smelly, kitchen rotten (no maggots cos I barely ate). Piles of crap building up - book, newspapers etc.

Took a long time on heavy meds and councilling before I could even face trying to sort the house. But a few real friends helped - took a while before I could get at it but it worked.

OP, if you're a real friend, go and speak to your doc and explain the situation. I'm sure they'll have some idea what can be done. Maybe they'll send a social worker out which could be the first step for your friend. However, if your friend discovers that you ratted him out, it might test just how much of a friendship you have.

Best of luck and make sure to be there for him

Pedant

I actually couldn't stand it. You should see me around my stuff. I'd get frustrated if I saw dust on a table or a smudgy glass/screen. Everything must be immaculate and ordered or else I'd take out the knives.

cheesefiend

therandomguy wrote: »

He is going to lose his girlfriend (he would never allow her to tidy up or throw anything away)

That seems like a tell-tale sign that it's more than just laziness because if it was it seems that he wouldn't have a huge issue with her tidying up.

Can I ask how you have been broaching the subject with him? What kind of things you say? I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, just wondering what exactly is making him sensitive to the issue.

Hopefully somebody will be able to give you another way of approaching it so that you won't be risking anything by trying to get through to him.

It's a very sad and frustrating situation for you to be in, but kudos for really trying to get through to him (when it would be easier to say nothing) - seems like you're a great friend to him.

therandomguy

Thank you for your replies. There is some really good advice here. I had never considered depression as hs is always so positive and happy most of the time. It's just so difficult to approach as the guy switches from being the most laid back and friendly person to stubborn and snappy whenever anything is mentioned. He has even suggested that real friends come to seem him not his house - which I find quite terrifying.
Unfortunately, things have got far too bad for a cleaner. The 'How Clean is your House' thing has been mentioned as a joke, but the guy actually gets agitated and warns us that he will never speak to any of us again if we ever do this. He has been quite clear that he means it and would not allow the crew in. He doesn't see anything wrong with how he is living and thinks that we are all paranoid and OCD.
Someone mentioned seeking help from social services - but I think he would never forgive us.

We have discussed paying for a skip, but again, he won't let us throw anything away. (even old boxes and newpapers dating back to over ten years)

I feel guilty because I keep trying to persuade his g/f not to give up on him, but she has hung in there for five years and has had enough. She said that she has to remind him of personal hygiene issues and he stomps off like a three year old when she reminds him to clean his teeth etc. I really can't blame her for wanting out.

It is is attitude that we find the hardest. If only he would let us help him. He really is a wonderful guy, fun to be around and always the first to lend a hand if anyone is in a fix. He is always smiling. Then there is this other side that is just so out of character. I don't think he is bi-polar as the only time the bad side comes out is if house or hygiene is mentioned.

Nothingbetter2d

just get his missus to bring him out for a night away... then the rest of ya go in and clean the place. dont throw out anything but move it to the garage or shed if he has one. but show him how nice a clean house can look if u make the effort.

Isis20

I would try to talk You can always take more rigorous options after that, if necessary.

ProudDUB

therandomguy wrote: »

I had never considered depression as hs is always so positive and happy most of the time. It's just so difficult to approach as the guy switches from being the most laid back and friendly person to stubborn and snappy whenever anything is mentioned.

If only he would let us help him. He really is a wonderful guy, fun to be around and always the first to lend a hand if anyone is in a fix. He is always smiling.

Depression doesn't have anything to do with people acting sad or happy, or acting moody or having big smiles or frowns on their faces all the time. That is a very common misconception about the illness. Just because you appear to be happy when people are around, it doesn't not mean that you are not suffering from depression. That is what makes it the condition so hard for people to recognize and understand.

A lack of motivation & a lethargy to confront & deal with day to day things that most people take for granted having to do, is a classic symptom of depression, much more so than someone appearing to be "happy" is.

Dude needs help. If he gets pissed off at ya'll for trying to do so, ya'll have a choice, back off and let his condition get worse and worse, or find a way to stand up to him, and make him get help. It's your call. Best of luck. I don't envy you.

therandomguy

Really didn't know that depressed people could go out and be 'life and soul' Thought they were too dam sad or just had no intrest in anything.

Thanks again to everyone for your support with this. I think most things have been covered, and it is definitely looking like depression.
Will regroup friends together and start gathering data on depression. Maybe he will read it.

If all else fails, I can show him this thread. It might get through to him.

Will update if we get any results..

Sided

It makes me sad to read this. I have issues with collecting things and not throwing them out but thankfully I don't have a filth issue. I do live in a house where my roommate is kind of a dirt bag and the bathroom is beginning to look a bit gross but it's not that bad. I just feel bad for this guy because its definitely an issue. Is there something that happened to trigger this or for the past 5 years that this girl was dating this guy was it like this?

To be fair, no matter how much I loved someone I couldn't live in this type of filth. I have hung out with guys that life in dirty housing and I seriously felt like I was disgusting and felt like not only did they not have any respect for themselves but absolutely no pride in where they live but no respect for me either to invite me into a place that looks like ****e.

Whatever you do, if you care about this - trying to help him is probably more beneficial to him even if it may risk your friendship.

December2012

Could you speak with his family? Are they aware of his living situation?

herosa

It could also be Add or Adhd. These people can really struggle with housework.
www.add forums.com.

Obsessive compulsive personality disorder?( NOT ocd) They struggle too.

Depression?
?