Witty comebacks

frag420

After reading the threads on the best insult you heard and what was the most insulting thing someone has ever said to you etc it got me thinking.................

What was the best comeback you had to an insult that was directed at you??

I remember a rather portly comedian was heckled at a show a few yrs back(think it was on tv)

Heckler - OI why are you so fat??
Comedian - because every time I shag your mom she gives me a biscuit!!

I creased over laughing at this. So dwellers of the after hours please enlighten us with your witty comebacks................

frAg

sbsquarepants

I've i wanted cum back, i'd wipe it of your ma's chin:D

Not exactly a comeback but i remember hearing this one ages back

Jo Brand walks on stage.
Jo: "Hello, you're a nice little crowd"
Heckler: "So are you!"

biko

I usually can't think of one until later.
But no worries, I always make sure to add it when I retell the story to my mates

Dr.Strange

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I've i wanted cum back, i'd wipe it of your ma's chin:D

I hope you don't say it as you write it or you may sound foolish.

Helix

frag420 wrote: »

Heckler - OI why are you so fat??
Comedian - because every time I shag your mom she gives me a biscuit!!

that was actually the greatest cricket sledge of all time

Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes
McGrath: Why are you so fat?
Brando: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit!

frag420

Helix wrote: »

that was actually the greatest cricket sledge of all time

Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes
McGrath: Why are you so fat?
Brando: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit!

Great lads them cricketers!!

mattjack

Not so much of a comeback , but a workmate of my dad was stopped for speeding on his motorcycle near the entrance to Baldonnel airbase years ago. The Garda had followed him in from the Naas road and asked him was he having trouble taking off ?

Nothingbetter2d

flutterflye

"Where did you get your clothes, at the toilet store?"

johngalway

Jimmy Carr vs. Pat Kenny

22 seconds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ffpFxlhsMA

Though Pat may have some new ammunition.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18537051

Where To

Elderly neighbour always won 1st prize with his ponies at a local show. Then one year his pony came second so he decided to accost the judge;

Old man: 'Why didn't my pony win?'
Judge: 'His legs are too short'
Old man: 'Too short?! Too short? How the f*** can they be too short? Sure don't they reach the ground!!'

CastorTroy

Working a bar I used to hear the same comments over and over. One that stood out was when I said the price the customer sometimes said "At least Dick Turpin wore a mask" so one day when a guy said that to me I just replied with "Dick Turpin was an amateur!"

brummytom

SO'S YOUR FACE

DEFTLEFTHAND

Winston Churchill has had a few good ones.

Bessie Braddock MP: Winston your drunk!

WC: Your right, Bessie. And you're ugly. But tomorrow morning I'll be sober. And you'll still be ugly.


Unnamed MP: Mr Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?

WC: No, it's purely voluntary..

Cee-Jay-Cee

Years ago I was in a slanging match with a twat who bumped into me in the pub and then proceeded to have a go at me for not watching where I was going despite the fact that I was standing still and he was the one walking past me. Anyway he started mouthing about this and that and then in reply to something I said (can't remember what it was) he came out with something along the lines of " yeah that's what your mother said when I was riding her last night" I replied "oh your the fella she was with last night, she was laughing about you all morning, she says she has never seem such a small penis and she's a maternity nurse and that you should have told her it was your first time and she would have gone gently on you" Everyone around burst out laughing and he skulked off into the crowd.

Daith

"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"

genericguy

CJC999 wrote: »

Years ago I was in a slanging match with a twat who bumped into me in the pub and then proceeded to have a go at me for not watching where I was going despite the fact that I was standing still and he was the one walking past me. Anyway he started mouthing about this and that and then in reply to something I said (can't remember what it was) he came out with something along the lines of " yeah that's what your mother said when I was riding her last night" I replied "oh your the fella she was with last night, she was laughing about you all morning, she says she has never seem such a small penis and she's a maternity nurse and that you should have told her it was your first time and she would have gone gently on you" Everyone around burst out laughing and he skulked off into the crowd.

Girlfriends brother never liked me very much, and once i was staying in her parents house for a family event. He arrived a day later than us, and it was a small house so id been given his bed the previous night. At the festivities the next day, he had a gang of mates around him. He called me over and proceeded to give me loads of grief in front of said mates, and then said "sure I'm only taking the piss outta you cos you're gay" . I said "if I were gay, I wouldnt have been banging your sister in your bed last night". He absolutely lost it and stormed off, it was beautiful.

Birneybau

You are an annoying piece of meat stuck in my teeth and I am the toothpick....or words to that effect.


Also, Shut up Becky.

tallus

Best comeback I have seen in a long time, and probably will not see it's like again:

Here

Sir Gallagher

Noel Fieldingdeals with a heckler.


Man1: Are you gunna shave your head?

Noel: Am I gunna shave my head? Yeah, I am, yeah, this is what this is about. This is a hairdressers. This is the Barbers preamble before he comes out and cuts my hair. There's four of them and were gunna do a fcking quartet then I'm gunna stab you in the eyes with the scissors.

Man1: How do you put your trousers on?

Noel: Huh?

Man1: How do you put your trousers on?

Noel: How do I put them on? Is that a trick question?

Man1: Want me to show you?

Noel: I put them in the fire, then come down the chimney. And then at night, I take them off again to fcuk your momma.

Man1: Youre not very imaginative!

Noel: Well I fck her in an imaginative way. I dress her up as a penguin and then set fire to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYUQjskz2Vo

amtw

My favourite:

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Daith

You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

eyescreamcone

In a battle of wits - you're half armed

Cicero

Not sure if this can be topped:

Like a Night Club in the morning, you’re the bitter end.
Like a recently disinfected ****-house, you’re clean round the bend.
You give me the horrors
too bad to be true
All of my tomorrow’s
are lousy coz of you.
You put the Shat in Shatter
Put the Pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about
Your face is just a stain

You’re certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag.
Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag.

You’re like a dose of scabies,
I’ve got you under my skin.
You make life a fairy tale... Grimm!

People mention murder, the moment you arrive.
I’d consider killing you if I thought you were alive.
You’ve got this slippery quality,
it makes me think of phlegm,
and a dual personality
I hate both of them.

Your bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay.
Please, please, please, please, take yourself away.
Like a death a birthday party,
you ruin all the fun.
Like a sucked and spat our smartie,
you’re no use to anyone.
Like the shadow of the guillotine
on a dead consumptive’s face.
Speaking as an outsider,
what do you think of the human race

You went to a progressive psychiatrist.
He recommended suicide...
before scratching your bad name off his list,
and pointing the way outside.

You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart.
You’re heading for a breakdown,
better pull yourself apart.

Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss.
Your attitudes are platitudes,
just make me wanna piss.

What kind of creature bore you
Was is some kind of bat
They can’t find a good word for you,
but I can...
TWAT.

LYRICS © JOHN COOPER CLARKE

PickledLime

genericguy wrote: »

Girlfriends brother never liked me very much, and once i was staying in her parents house for a family event. He arrived a day later than us, and it was a small house so id been given his bed the previous night. At the festivities the next day, he had a gang of mates around him. He called me over and proceeded to give me loads of grief in front of said mates, and then said "sure I'm only taking the piss outta you cos you're gay" . I said "if I were gay, I wouldnt have been banging your sister in your bed last night". He absolutely lost it and stormed off, it was beautiful.

This is absolute gold, well played sir!

kryogen

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I've i wanted cum back, i'd wipe it of your ma's chin:D
Not exactly a comeback but i remember hearing this one ages back

Jo Brand walks on stage.
Jo: "Hello, you're a nice little crowd"
Heckler: "So are you!"

Remember Jimmy Carr saying that one, it was in response to a heckler, cant remember what the heckler said, Jimmy's eventual response was "If you want my come back your gonna have to scrape it off your mums teeth"

****ing brilliant at the time, had me in stiches!

WindSock

I might have read it here about a bunch of street urchins shouting to a large lad 'hey fathead, why are you so fat'?

'Coz everytime I ride yer ma, she gives me a sandwich', he said.

Jester252

well I'm rubber your glue so what ever you bounces off me and sticks to you

LETHAL LADY

A slag screaming at a woman in the local nightclub at the end of the night.

Slag: I rode your boyfriend and he is sh*t in bed.
Other woman: Suppose you'd know half the towns been up on ya.

Slag walks off red faced, well it gave me a giggle anyway.

Paddysboys

johngalway wrote: »

Jimmy Carr vs. Pat Kenny

22 seconds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ffpFxlhsMA

Though Pat may have some new ammunition.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18537051

That is one funny clip

ciano1

This:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055249267

Paddysboys

A guy came into work one monday morning
and said i dont be sick from drink any more
i do be sick from sex

i looked at him paused and said
joe if i had sex with your wife id be sick too

SafeSurfer

Once a girl was slagging me off because I couldn't get it up. So she was pulling me off trying to get me hard. I was pissed as a fart and had fallen asleep. I woke up to her asking if I was ready and came immediately.

I looked at her spunky hand and said "Carol I think I've had a wet dream" in a really sleepy voice.
















Maybe you just had to be there.

Paddysboys

SafeSurfer wrote: »

Once a girl was slagging me off because I couldn't get it up. So she was pulling me off trying to get me hard. I was pissed as a fart and had fallen asleep. I woke up to her asking if I was ready and came immediately.

I looked at her spunky hand and said "Carol I think I've had a wet dream" in a really sleepy voice.
















Maybe you just had to be there.

Glad i wasn't

Motorist

tallus wrote: »

Best comeback I have seen in a long time, and probably will not see it's like again:

Here

Overrated

SafeSurfer

Paddysboys wrote: »

Glad i wasn't

I doubt you could come in company.

Paddysboys

True

herisson

Thats so low....

but not as low as yore mas prices!


heh :P

Caveman1

Sitting in the park one day as kids, a st michaels bus drives past and one of the lads said to the other "look Paul there's your Ma on her bus, Paul goes ye strapping your Ma in. Pretty funny at the time

Conchir

I can't remember where I saw this, coulda been Overheard in Dublin.

Anyway, some guy was out jogging, and he passed a group of lads, one of whom was on crutches. The crutch guy shouts out the usual "run Forrest, run!". Jogger comes back with "You ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan!"

leggo

"Why'd they call you leggo? Cus you're in bits?"

Credit where it's due, they got me good.

Southern Dandy

A good "That's what she said"......

Dangerous Man

johngalway wrote: »

Jimmy Carr vs. Pat Kenny

22 seconds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ffpFxlhsMA

Though Pat may have some new ammunition.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18537051

That clip summed up a lot about what's really great about Ireland for me - seriously.

victoriaa

"-I'm gonna cut your knob off and stick to your head. So then everyone will know you're a d*ckhead.
-Or.. I could just tell them."

harvester of sorrow

Heard a girl in work slagging one of the lads about having a "supposedly" small cock.....
He replies..well if you where better looking it would be bigger!
lol:pac:

ShagNastii

A great one was when Joe Brand got stung at some comedy gig.

A heckler started making murmurs the second she walked on and Joe commented "Uwh looks like we have a comedian in?"

The heckler looked up from the crowd and shouted "We f*cking wish we did".

Lawlesz

Not so much a comeback but I remember hearing a story about a play been put on in Liverpool, "The Diary of Anne Frank".

In the first scene, a gang of SS soldiers walk into the house. Someone in the crowd immediately shouts "She's in the attic".

Had me laughing for ages.

Jimoslimos

frag420 wrote: »

I remember a rather portly comedian was heckled at a show a few yrs back(think it was on tv)

Heckler - OI why are you so fat??
Comedian - because every time I shag your mom she gives me a biscuit!!

Helix wrote: »

that was actually the greatest cricket sledge of all time

Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes
McGrath: Why are you so fat?
Brando: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit!

Sounds like a plant in the audience.

frag420

Jimoslimos wrote: »

frag420 wrote: »

I remember a rather portly comedian was heckled at a show a few yrs back(think it was on tv)

Heckler - OI why are you so fat??
Comedian - because every time I shag your mom she gives me a biscuit!!

Helix wrote: »

that was actually the greatest cricket sledge of all time

Glenn McGrath v Eddo Brandes
McGrath: Why are you so fat?
Brando: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit!

Sounds like a plant in the audience.

Doubt it, there is very little or no irrigation in most modern theatres and no soil that I can think of so I doubt there would be many plants in there.

the culture of deference

not really a witty retort but funny,

I was in the pub one evening with 2 friends, we were chatting away and the subject of Venice came up.

Then this drunk ish guy comes in from having a fag, and says while passing us "venice, uh you don't want to go there, its full of water"

Jimoslimos

frag420 wrote: »

Doubt it, there is very little or no irrigation in most modern theatres and no soil that I can think of so I doubt there would be many plants in there.

Not all plants need soil, aloe for example can grow in containers of pebbles and/or sand. It also requires little watering.

(not quite as witty as your retort though:()