Witty comebacks

tayto lover

A few years ago I went for a drink with the lads on the way home from work. I was about 4 pints late for my dinner and the missus sent me this text " your dinner is in the dog". I just replied "don't worry love, we can get a new dog".
It was not appreciated either.

sarabroderick

Jo Brand again to a heckler "I'd come over there and sit on your face but I haven't got my period" (!)

krustydoyle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsGRX7Teawc

I laughed at this for ages

UserName 217

This is brillant

recylingbin

CJC999 wrote: »

Years ago I was in a slanging match with a twat who bumped into me in the pub and then proceeded to have a go at me for not watching where I was going despite the fact that I was standing still and he was the one walking past me. Anyway he started mouthing about this and that and then in reply to something I said (can't remember what it was) he came out with something along the lines of " yeah that's what your mother said when I was riding her last night" I replied "oh your the fella she was with last night, she was laughing about you all morning, she says she has never seem such a small penis and she's a maternity nurse and that you should have told her it was your first time and she would have gone gently on you" Everyone around burst out laughing and he skulked off into the crowd.

snappy.

Skuxx

A classic from the school yard
Kid 1: Your a cuñt
Kid 2: Takes one to know one!

westcoast66

Was in Spain on hols a few years back.

At the pool and there was this wan there with a couple of unruly brats. One of them was giving her cheek and she grabbed him and gave him a smack on the arse.

This German mother then said 'In Germany ve dont hit ar children'. The Irish one then says 'Yeah, well in Ireland we don't gas the Jews!'. Funniest thing I heard in a long time. Wrong on so many levels....

kumate_champ07

I was cycling thru a park in Crumlin, some youths were drinking&smoking at a park chair. I didnt see the broken glass and got a puncture. I walked on as they laughed, one guy starts shouting at me to bring the bike to sheriff st to get it fixed, I shouted back at him "thanks, Ill say hello to your ma"
he got pissed off and some of the others were laughing but he didnt bother coming up to me, it was funny because he was tryin to act the hard man but wouldnt come over when I asked him to

Smcgie

Old guy at work to manager on talking about new computer systems:

Old Guy: I'm not using these new computers!!
Manager: Why?
Worker: Its hard to teach an old dog new tricks you know!!
Manager: well then we will just have to look for some new puppies
Worker: SPEECHLESS!

Quatermain

My father told me this tale of a comedian being heckled. He paused, waited until the heckler had finished, and spoke thusly:

"Pardon me, folks, but he's an old partner of mine. We were in a group called The Symbolics. I was Sym."

d.anthony

My all time favorite comeback to a heckler is Steve Martin’s: A heckler yells something unintelligible/irrelevant, and Steve Martin replies, “Yeah, I remember my first beer.”