Feel awful

LegacyUser

I'm really ashamed of myself to write this. But, I need help.
I've a dad who over the years has rolled his eyes to things I did't know if he questioned it. Almost in disbelief.
I had an ex who on the odd occassion verbally abused me. One that sticks to mind was passing a strange looking building, I question what it is and he got so angry so quickly and said "It's a ****ing ..........." I was speechless, hurt, gobsmacked. I can't believe I can still love this man for being capable for speaking to me this way. He has a bit of a temper, but I don't see it often. Then again, define often!
We have a child together whom we both adore, more than anything. It's what keeps us in contact, as opposed to us moving on with our lives. Although I believe chemistry remains between us, that I find hard to fight off.

The reason I'm writing is our child. Anna started school last year, she is so lovely, but I don't feel she is very bright, or I just assume this because I wasn't the brightest kid. I struggled in school. I just about past exams. Now I have this fear she will be like me, and I don't want her to be. I want the best for her. This week I surprised myself by getting so cross with her for not remembering something I had just told her. I just couldn't fathom how she couldn't recall. I told her seconds earlier, reminded her, asked her again and again but no. She either chose not to listen, or switch off, or just didn't hear the word before, it was a translation of a common Irish word to an english word. So she only had to remember one english word. It wasn't difficult, although a word we wouldn't use here much. I had to ask her 10 times before she finally got it. It was also past her bed time so maybe too tired to take it in. But I was frustrated as a result....
I shouted at her, abused her verbally, until she cried. This happened twice this week. I don't recall when last this happend, it is a very rare occurance. Maybe my expectations of her are high, too high. I am so upset with myself. Maybe I have anger issues. I'm thinking am I passing down mistreatment I received from my ex, maybe my father too?

Please don't be too hard on me, even though I deserve it.
I know if I continue this way, she too will end up never feeling good enough. And it's a trait I would hate to pass on, so I need to do something, but what?

I've experienced counsellors, didn't have much luck. It is so hard to find one I click with or who I feel can help. Also the expense, the waiting, the choosing.
Do you think it's anger issues I need to address? Good websites I could read up on?
Maybe handling parenting mostly solo is having its bearing on me.

Sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading.
Any advice is appreciated.

Daisy M

It sounds to me as though you are too sensitive. We all ask silly questions with obvious answers from time to time, you were unlucky that both men in your life sound impatient and short fused but their replies to you were probably borne from fustration from something else that was going on in their heads and you got the short end of the fuse.

As for your daughter you realise that you were unfair to her so learn from your mistake and avoid that type of situation again. Don't start labelling her already and assuming she is not going to be bright. Children learn at different rates and may be below average in one area but well ahead in another.

My advice re homework is if the child is tired or has done their best accept that, write a note to the teacher and explain that the homework was not done for whatever reason. Any reasonable teacher will excuse this once in a while as long as it is not a regular occurance.

analucija

My partner is very temperamental and I could very easily get a similar replay from from him, if he interrupted when concentrating on something else. I usually just laugh and annoy him more or tell him to f off. I know some people would be horrified on some occasions but we understand how temperamental the other one is and also I think we have pretty good opinion about our own and each other's brain power so comments like that really don't affect us. The comment your partner made hurt because you feel not good enough and not because he necessary meant to hurt you.

So you were not the best student in school? I know plenty who achieved a lot more than I did in later life even though they've done a lot worse in school. I know a girl who is now a teacher in the same school where decades ago she had to repeat a year and was almost classified as special needs because of her reading difficulties. My partner had to stay back a year in primary school because of his Irish, yet his IQ is very high. There could be different reasons why your daughter couldn't remember that word and even if she is not the smartest child she could be great at something else. I'd just relax and let her do things at her own pace. She might surprise you one day. And like you I can boil over sometimes and react louder than I should but as long your daughter feels loved and as long as she is not put down constantly, she should be ok. Nobody is perfect parent either.

Hannibal Smith

Do you know what, I don't think your issues are that dissimilar to mine. Do you have your own childhood replaying in your head when you interact with your kid? Are you afraid that when you interact with your kid she's going to feel the same way you felt? That's why you feel so bad now?

My mother was a nightmare when we were growing up....always freaking out at small things, completely self absorbed and really insulting sometimes. I am so anxious that my son doesn't have the same childhood I did that I'm doing my own head in.

I'm struggling a bit the same way you are and it is hard if you haven't your own positive personal experiences to draw from when dealing with your child. But it's great that you're noticing what you're doing, you don't want to do it again and you're trying to find a way to make things different for your daughter. And that's what makes you different to your dad and that's what will stop your daughter feeling the same way you did.

I haven't any vast amount of experience when it comes to parenting but corny as it sounds, all I can do now is give plenty of kisses hugs and encouragement to my little ones, build a positive foundation and try and go from there. When it comes to schooling I don't know what I'm going to do!

Good luck, I hope you get some advice that can bring you forward, I may in fact keep an eye on this thread and nick some ideas!

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

Daisy M...I think you're right. I am too sensitive! He's also thrown that in my face and yeah,he's probably right.
Anulcjia.. I agree, because I do not feel good enough.

Hannibal..yes it's all about becoming aware, to stop it..

Kinda sucks though when I feel he was an abusive ex, yet I'm being told I'm the sensitive, insecure one...as if to say I'm responsible for this..

Not throwing your advice back, I agree with it.

Gadfly Girl

You can't change what's said and done but you can change how you speak to and interact with your daughter going forward. Don't be too hard on yourself but do think carefully about how to change things to avoid repeated incidents. Words can cause long term damage, I would suguest to at least explain to your dd that it was wrong how you behaved, appologise and then move on from it. Hope that helps in some way...

Daisy M

eeffgg wrote: »

Thank you for your replies.

Daisy M...I think you're right. I am too sensitive! He's also thrown that in my face and yeah,he's probably right.
Anulcjia.. I agree, because I do not feel good enough.

Hannibal..yes it's all about becoming aware, to stop it..

Kinda sucks though when I feel he was an abusive ex, yet I'm being told I'm the sensitive, insecure one...as if to say I'm responsible for this..

Not throwing your advice back, I agree with it.

But you are who you are and if been a little too sensitive is you then you need to be with someone who recognises that and is able to deal with it. It sounds as though your ex wasn't this person so you were right to finish the relationship.

analucija

eeffgg wrote: »

Kinda sucks though when I feel he was an abusive ex, yet I'm being told I'm the sensitive, insecure one...as if to say I'm responsible for this..

Not throwing your advice back, I agree with it.

I think you misunderstood a lot of what we were trying to say. There is a well known therm in sociology called stigmatisation. It means that once somebody or a group of people is often enough labeled with something they often start acting like it. Or in your case if you are often enough told that you are "dumb" or "not good enough" you start believing it. What I was trying to say is that your bf might not understand how much he is hurting you. But if you told him and he continued with altitude like that then it is definately abuse.

We all have different insecurities and I just think that because you are so preoccupied with the belief that you are not smart you are also judging your daughter a bit too harshly or worrying where there is nothing to worry about.

Edit: just in case I was not clear enough, I also think you are judging yourself way to harshly.

BostonB

Can't say I'm always a model of patience. My only suggestion is rather than dwelling on the past, and getting more frustrated, perhaps its not solely related to the past, but rather its an indication that you don't currently have the skills to help with teaching your child. There's no reason you would have, not everyone's a natural teacher. So perhaps if you talk to the teachers, get some suggestions and try to learn some teaching techniques. What works for one child, or even yourself, may not work for someone else. All my kids are different and learn in different ways. It took me some time to realise that, and accept that others might have better methods of teaching helping than I'd have thought of my self. Sometimes kids get better results from some more focused attention in extra classes with a smaller group than in a large class.