Missing something

Musiconomist

Hey I've been working on this for a couple of weeks, and I think it's nearly done, though I think the chorus is a bit untidy. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Verse 1
For years I wandered,
Mysteries pondered,
Seeking something I couldnt name,
A restless soul,
Braving the cold,
Seeking someone who seeks the same,

Verse 2
Following footsteps,
While the world slept,
Last of my line, as chapters close,
The lost believer,
Guided by fever,
Was the choice mine, or was I chosen,

Chorus
More than luck,
More than chance,
A collision of space and time,
Half dumbstruck,
Half entranced,
By beauty words can't confine,
To unworthy letters

MeWriteYouSong

http://soundcloud.com/mewriteyousong/musiconimist-missing-something

9959

Hi Musiconimist. Verse 1 seems fine to me with a strong rhyming pattern on lines 1&2 3&6 and 4&5, soul/cold is not quite there but let's not quibble.
The last line 'seeking someone who seeks the same' might turn out to be difficult to sing without sounding like Daffy Duck - sibilants! Having already used 'seeking' , perhaps the last line could read 'for someone who feels the same', you might find it easier to sing.
Having established your pattern in verse 1, verse 2 is weak by comparison.
Footsteps/slept is bearable, close/chosen is pushing it!!
Nothing wrong with the chorus, save for the last line 'To unworthy letters' which on reading (without music) appears unwieldy and superfluous. Unless the title of the song is 'Unworthy Letters', you might consider dropping that line in the interests of scansion. The best of luck with your efforts.

bagels

MeWriteYouSong wrote: »

http://soundcloud.com/mewriteyousong/musiconimist-missing-something

I know sweet f all about sing-writing & music so my five cents worth mightn't have any value.
Having read the lyrics and listened to the song, i think a full electric version might sound very pleasing and even more so perhaps an orchestral version.
If you try out my suggestion please post here cos i'd love to listen.

ps i have tremendous respect for creative people and only wish i had a singing voice or the talent to play an instrument

I wish you folks the best

9959

Sorry musiconimist. Didn't notice that your song was underneath your op - doh!
Sounds good to me, I agree with 'bagels' that a full-blooded electric guitars and monster drums would suit. A bit like one of those WWF 'walk on' tracks. Good luck to you!