If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the gates?

Kivaro

Question stolen from the fun thread.

I would like him to say:
"Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I told that bastard Moses to go back and tell the tribe to live life to its fullest and love one another. But that flucker twisted my words into one of the biggest disasters in all the Universes. Yes, the planet earth is dead last in evolving societies from the millions of other planets I created."

And I would say:
"But God, you curse?"

And he would say:
"Yeah, and I drink like a fish too. Come on in, it's 5 o' clock somewhere and I'm gasping."

Pushtrak

I would like him to say:
I'm not really omnipotent, that is why I couldn't do anything about the suffering. Oh, and there isn't a hell, and you don't have to stick around for existence for millenia. People do get bored eventually.

I would say:
Shoulda wrote a better book

What he would say:
I ain't no Frank Herbert
















:pac:

Turtwig

I would like him to say:
"Congratulations it was all a test and you PASSED! ! ! Welcome to Heaven."

I would say:
"Thanks ... I think. Er, what was the test again?."

What he would say:
"To see if you would recognise that religion, the supernatural, tales of the afterlife etc. were all bullshit lacking evidence and reasoned logic!"

philologos

Good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little. I will set you over much enter into the joy of your master. (Matthew 25:21)

I hope He'll be able to see my life and see that I served Him over myself and that I really cared about others and them coming to know Jesus Christ.

Beruthiel

what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the gates?

Coke on the left, Tomoya Nagase on the right.
Knock yourself out.

efb

We've got Fibre Optic Broadband (and were big into cloud computing)

noddyone2

He'll be so stunned to see me there, he won't be able to say a fking thing!

MagicMarker

براہ مہربانی اپنے جوتے کو خارج کر دیں، ہم صرف قالین صاف ہے.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

asian women, asian women everywhere

legspin

You were right, I really am a cúnt.

joseph brand

"Congratulations brah!!" (Suddenly, trumpets and balloons)

"You didn't follow all those crusty old men down there, but instead chose to think for yourself. You'll never know how often I have had my own ROFL and /facepalm moments, watching those theists wasting their time. You see those dudes actually nailin' themselves to crosses? Like, wtf brah?".

"Anyway, there's a party right through that door, and lots of tits".

Me: "Thank God". :pac:

God: "Mi casa es su casa". (Massive high five)

Sarky

Yup, I was completely misinterpreted to suit human agendas. Seriously, did you READ that bollocks? Red sea? Faked. Water into wine? Yeah, I wish. Flood? Pull the other one, it has bells on. Now, grab a scotch and let's go visit hell to laugh at Christians.

endacl

I'd settle for 'sorry about that'.

pauldla

He'll say "Not you again!"

And I'll say "Didn't see that coming, did you?"

Then I'll ask if he's up for an angry pirate.

Penn

"Thanks you for participating in the Beta test. Based on customer feedback, we've now fixed all the faults and bugs. Your life will now be restarted."

Dades

"Here's your new iPhone. It has an FM radio."

(Don't everyone who gets interviewed in "Inside the Actor's Studio" get asked this?)

kylith

Nothing. That fecker had better keep his mouth shut. Or if he has to say something it'd better be 'Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa'.

Iwannahurl

What took you so long?

endacl

What? No beard? I always pictured you with a beard. A big one. Like Gandalf's. Grow a beard. People take vengeful deities more seriously with a beard.

CerebralCortex

God - "Boo hoo hoo! I've no objective reason for being here so I decided to arbitrarily create loads of suffering and uncertainty... ...sniffle... ...I'm sorry."

Me - "You fùckin asshat!"

ShooterSF

Me: "What the hell was that all about man?"

God: "You don't understand. It's not easy being god in a monotheistic religion. There's no one to bone! Sure everyone has to do what I say but what's the point of being a dictator if you don't get the womens. Even Tony Montana knew that was the ultimate goal. So I got jealous of you lot riding like rabbits and decided to ban most of your fun. Sorry about that but it's really really tough. Sure the holy spirit knocks one out for me now and again but that's just playing with yourself once removed. Sigh."

----

Well it would explain a lot of things.

pauldla

ShooterSF wrote: »

Me: "What the hell was that all about man?"

God: "You don't understand. It's not easy being god in a monotheistic religion. There's no one to bone! Sure everyone has to do what I say but what's the point of being a dictator if you don't get the womens. Even Tony Montana knew that was the ultimate goal. So I got jealous of you lot riding like rabbits and decided to ban most of your fun. Sorry about that but it's really really tough. Sure the holy spirit knocks one out for me now and again but that's just playing with yourself once removed. Sigh."

----

Well it would explain a lot of things.

"First you get the prayers, then you get the money, then you get the women"....?

robindch

Kivaro wrote: »

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the gates?

Deity: "You shall not pass!"
A+A mod: "Suits me"

Penn

"We would send you to Hell, but you'd probably enjoy that. So prepare to be very bored here in Heaven for eternity. That's your punishment!"

I can't really imagine there is anything the christian god could say I would want to hear

if odin is all HAY welcome to valhalla lets go get drunk and stuff
that might be ok

Naid23

'Of course Gingers have souls, come on in'..

I've accepted the fact that I'm going to hell lol. Least it will be warm.

endacl

robindch wrote: »

Kivaro wrote: »

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the gates?

Deity: "You shall not pass!"
A+A mod: "Suits me"

You could set up an 'occupy' camp at the gates

Bannasidhe

St Peter : 'Do you have a reservation?'
Me: 'Several.'

Delirium

God: atheist, eh? To Hell with you!

*trapdoor opens and I plummet to Hell*

Luifier: and what's the reason the guy upstairs bumped you down here?

Me: atheism.

Lucifier: Don't worry about it, God has huge self-esteem issues. Probably due to no parent figures to guide and love him through the early years. Anyways, welcome to Hell.

Me: so what sort of punishment is my fate?

Lucifier: to spend the rest of eternity here. Hell is the absense of God after all. But don't fret, I think you'll like it here. You wouldn't believe the level of technological advancement humans can achieve when they have centuries to work at it without any religious folk burning them at the stake or stoning them. The big project we're all working on is a machine to open a doorway to Earth so we can share the technology with the rest of humanity.


:pac::pac:

tayto lover

God -- " Hello Tayto, i've being keeping your chair warm for you "

AwayWithFaries

God: Oh hello, where did you come from?

Me: Earth

God: Earth? Wow, I haven't looked in there since I sent junior to keep an eye on things. How's he getting on?

Me: Eh, yeah he's grand.

getz

well he told george best to go back down and get his boots because they are playing hell tonight

Blackhorse Slim

Qapla'

looseliver

God: Do you want pie heven or regular heven?

Me: Pie Heven.

getz

as a non catholic,i am told i will not go there.

Dr.Strange

"Hi, Thanks for having Faith in me, you can come in but all those fools without Faith get go where the Sun don't shine!"

Mark Hamill

Scene: God, outside the closed gates, pacing up and down, hands deep in pockets rummaging away...

God, mumbing: "where did I leave those keys..."

endacl

Dr.Strange wrote: »

"Hi, Thanks for having Faith in me, you can come in but all those fools without Faith get go where the Sun don't shine!"

Aw, poor insecure god, just waiting for somebody to thank....
And your compassion for the 'fools without faith'?

Sounds more Ferengi than jebus-ian.

Eternity on DS9. No thanks...

kylith

This thread's reminding me of the Rowan Atkinson Devil sketch:

"OK, form lines please. Fornicators over here. Murderers just here. And Christians... Yeah, sorry Christians; it turns out that the Jews were right. Bet you feel silly now".

Kivaro

AwayWithFaries wrote: »

God: Oh hello, where did you come from?

Me: Earth

God: Earth? Wow, I haven't looked in there since I sent junior to keep an eye on things. How's he getting on?

Me: Eh, yeah he's grand.

I think we have a winner, but you should have said he joined a hippie commune.

Pushtrak

getz wrote: »

as a non catholic,i am told i will not go there.

So do catholics, and so do the people who say that to the catholics to each other.

Simi

Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from "Calling all quakers!" and "Today we live, tomorrow we die!"

Burt Lancaster

Hello, and welcome to Heaven.
You must be tired after all that.
There's fresh tea and ham sandwiches just inside the portal there.
When you’re finished chatting to friends and family, as requested we're going to transfer you as far away from people as possible so you can get some peace and tranquillity.
You can hover about in the Aldoeuasdfr galaxy that's under creation at the moment, there’s a nice interesting view and perspective there. You can see attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion and watch c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZKkxAQYxyE

18AD

God: I've been waiting forever for you to get here.

beerpong

What are you doing here? Your not a Bonobo ape!

MrReynholm

Something like the greeting from this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw1XJbV2HK0

vibe666

i always liked this one. http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

pauldla

Oddly enough I was thinking of that story when I fell asleep last night. A case of great minds, or fools seldom differing?

vibe666

i dunno, i just think it's a fantastic idea that's always stuck with me.

it's bollocks obviously, but i wouldn't be a very good atheist if i actually believed it would i?

pauldla

It's as plausible as anything else in the pantheon of belief, and a great deal simpler!

smash

Don't really care what he'd say to me, I'd still call him a c*nt!