Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

My mate who works in a bakers has just had a terrible accident; he fell into the industrial dough mixing bowl.

By the time they got him out he was brown bread.
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I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"


I said, "No, she's an optician."
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An Asian has been shot with a starting pistol, Police say it’s definitely race related...
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A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.

Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For Fuq’s sake!" the bloke cried,

"What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's **** himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him,

"You can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"