Let's write an erotic novel

Tesco Massacre

Ok, this 50 Shades of Grey stuff is getting out of hand. It's obviously crap, but it's making money. Lots of money. What if we pool our resources and write the greatest god damn sexy novel of all time?!
I'll start us off.

Jacinta was wet. Not from rain or anything. But wet down below. In her secret garden. She was looking forward to talking to Trev on Skype. He'd been telling her how he'd "torn it up" on World of Warcraft earlier.
He'd been planning an assault on the Ice Queen's cave with his gang of Angelfist, Gangomort, Flanwank and Dave from accounts who also liked a game of WoW when he wasn't getting treatment for chronic asthma, and they'd succeeded.
Go on, Trev, pretend I'm your Ice Queen, Jacinta'd asked on Skype.
Righ', erm, I've got the Sceptre of Wrath in my hand and I'm going to penetrate you with it!, cried Trev.
Ooooh! But I'm using the Flower of Daldoran to protect my womanhood, she replied coquettishly.
For fuc*k's sake, Jacinta, the sceptre's +14 attack, the flower only has 3 for defence. Everyone knows that. We've gone through this before, you stupid cow!

But that was a week ago. Jacinta dumped Trev after that row, and she'd taken a well-earned break in Barbados where she'd met Jay-Jay, a dancer from the local discotheque, who had abs and stuff like that. And a really large penis. Even when he wasn't erect. Which was never.

You can continue.



All money made from the sale of this novel shall accrue to T.M. Investments. Investments can fall as well as rise. T.M. Investments is regulated by the financial regulator.

Pushtrak

This'll go down well...

John Doe1

And then there was a nuclear attack and everyone died

Tesco Massacre

Pushtrak wrote: »

This'll go down well...

That's the kind of smut talk I'm looking for.

Samich

What is that shades of grey ****e?

The King of Moo

John Doe1 wrote: »

And then there was a nuclear attack and everyone died

Then a nuclear zombie came and infected her with radiation because actually she survived and the infection is a metaphor for sex.

Then the nuclear zombie left her and she felt lonely and horny.

ITS_A_BADGER

Tesco Massacre wrote: »

Ok, this 50 Shades of Grey stuff is getting out of hand. It's obviously crap, but it's making money. Lots of money. What if we pool our resources and write the greatest god damn sexy novel of all time?!
I'll start us off.

Jacinta was wet. Not from rain or anything. But wet down below. In her secret garden. She was looking forward to talking to Trev on Skype. He'd been telling her how he'd "torn it up" on World of Warcraft earlier.
He'd been planning an assault on the Ice Queen's cave with his gang of Angelfist, Gangomort, Flanwank and Dave from accounts who also liked a game of WoW when he wasn't getting treatment for chronic asthma, and they'd succeeded.
Go on, Trev, pretend I'm your Ice Queen, Jacinta'd asked on Skype.
Righ', erm, I've got the Sceptre of Wrath in my hand and I'm going to penetrate you with it!, cried Trev.
Ooooh! But I'm using the Flower of Daldoran to protect my womanhood, she replied coquettishly.
For fuc*k's sake, Jacinta, the sceptre's +14 attack, the flower only has 3 for defence. Everyone knows that. We've gone through this before, you stupid cow!

But that was a week ago. Jacinta dumped Trev after that row, and she'd taken a well-earned break in Barbados where she'd met Jay-Jay, a dancer from the local discotheque, who had abs and stuff like that. And a really large penis. Even when he wasn't erect. Which was never.

Jacinta liked to play crane with jay jay, she would lie between his legs and he would slap his cock off her face untill he could finally pick her up by her ear and **** some sense into her

contine.....

Tesco Massacre

Nuclear war isn't sexy.

Stop talking about nuclear war!

Sharpshooter

The King of Moo wrote: »

Then the nuclear zombie left her and she felt lonely and horny.

.......and found herself in the company of Tar whose job it was to probe....

The King of Moo

Tesco Massacre wrote: »

Nuclear war isn't sexy.

Stop talking about nuclear war!

...her domineering father shouted but she said, "I don't care what you think!! You can't tell me how to live my life anymore!! I'm running away with the nuclear zombie! He understands me!"

Then the nuclear zombie jumped in through the window and took her in his giant strong radioactive arms and swept her away.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Jacinta returned from Barbados buzzing after her holiday.

Her friends remarked on how great she looked with a tan and how much better off she was away from that bastard Trev.

Jacinta is now showing symptoms of HIV after her week of passion with jay jay.

smokedeels

The first few weeks were magical, like a magic show, on channel four, but not as eye-squintingly cerebral.

Jay-Jay brought Jacinta out for meals, in fancy places, places that brought the food to your table and insisted on at least 45% coverage of the skin. He payed for everything, but let her choose her own dishes, she was independent like that.

After the main courses were finished, he would eat both deserts, informing her with a mouth full of sorbet that she needed to drop a few pounds, she would then promptly drive them straight home for coffee and sex. They didn't like coffee and rarely finished the entire pot.

It was hard to drive the car home with a man crying and w@nking in the passenger seat, the sight of it was that much of a turn on.

Scioch

I say we send Jacinta to Australia. Have her ride anything an everything. Cum back home with a few exotic friends attached below. And then have a crack team of investigators trying to pin point the source of the newly erupted plight of bush mites. Following her trail of destruction up and down the country until at last they trap her in block of flats in dublin. As they ascend the block of flats they encounter more and more ridin and bush mites on each floor.

Until at long last they reach the top and find Jacinta up there after laying eggs and startin to hibernate. Twist at the end she didnt bring the bush mites back she was the queen bush mite. Someone ring austral.....too late caught from behind and killed stone dead by a junkie.

Cut to the bush in australia with another Jacinta crawling out the the carcass of a dead kangaroo. Here we go again.

Jaxxy

Oh my!

Fromthetrees

Jacinta became sexually liberated by meeting Jay Jay, he helped unleash the inner animal in her. She loved him for this, Jay Jay was the bad boy she always needed but never knew she wanted, they had hours of having unbelievable loving everyday in pure ecstasy, he was the one. His obsession with poo was irrelevant to her because a look from his beaming hazel eyes would make her wet in a second.

Until he filmed her naked one day and uploaded the video onto the internet and sent copies of it to all her family and friends.

She hung herself a week later off a tree by a ditch.

Trev now gives hand jobs for crack.

Jay Jay now sells potatoes and strawberries at the side of the road.

Mikel wasn't a character in this story.