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The collapse of a relationship, and an attempt to minimise impact on my child.

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  • 18-07-2012 12:00am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have just broken up with my long-term partner, it was down to a culmination of reasons. From a significant age gap that at first wasn't an issue, but later began to cause doubts, to ill health, over reliance on medication and lack of motivation to improve his situation, among other things that were oft overlooked.
    We thankfully never made the leap to setting up a home together, and my child is a treasure bestowed from a previous relationship.
    However, they have a great bond, love is reciprocal.
    I do not want my child to suffer as a result of the actions of others.
    I believe my own parents did a smashing job at instilling insecurities aplenty in me, I want any future issues (minor, let them be minor) that my child faces to be their own, not of H mothers making.
    I seek the advice of strangers at their laptops, as I am embarrassed to ask friends, who are young and relatively carefree.
    If any of you have been in this situation, or similar, did anything minimise the hurt? What do you tell a four year old, who is intuitive and questioning?
    The relationship began when my child was several months old (Strange in retrospect, but lovely and welcomed at the time) so my child has known my recent ex partner, all their life.
    My child has a relationship with their father, and has other positive male role models too.
    Still H loved my now ex. Friendship is not beyond the realms of possibility, things however won't be the same.
    Any advice would be so welcomed.
    Thank you in advance.


Comments

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    #2
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hey there OP.

    There is Parenting forum on Boards. If you think your thread would be better suited there or get more relevant advice there, just shout and I can move it over. :cool:


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes, that would be great!


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    #4
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    I was in a similar position a few years ago. We did live together with my daughter and were together from when she was a baby until she was 5 and a half.

    The split hurt her. I am not sure there is anything anyone can do in order prevent that. It is a loss and your child will feel it.
    The only thing I will say is that my daughter was also upset for me. She felt sadness that I was hurting so I had to hide a lot of it from her. She knew I was sad but I couldn't let her carry that too much because she felt it on top of her own anguish.
    Also, openness is really important. We talked all the time about her feelings and how she was hurting. I was her go-to person when she felt sad. I also signed her up for the Rainbows programme which helps a child deal with loss and separation. It was really helpful to her.

    We tried to maintain a relationship between her and my ex but in hindsight that was a bad idea as he was a selfish person and the split was quite bitter. It just prolonged the inevitable and caused 2+ years of more hurt for her. In the end their relationship ended and while she felt that loss, it has been easier for her since she stopped seeing him.


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    #5
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Moving to the Parenting Forum as per the OPs request.
    Best of luck here OP.

    Taltos


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    #6
    LadyMayBelle
    Registered Users Posts: 5,095 ✭✭✭LadyMayBelle


    She's four, bless. Tough for you OP, never easy.

    Yup, she'll experience loss. There's a great storybook called 'It's not your fault Koko Bear' which is a few quid on Amazon. Children communicate through play and metaphors (stories) so I suggest reading books like that and getting her to ask any questions. She's still quite young so you need to simplify things really.

    She'll channel your pain too OP, so be mindful of that. Spend lots of quality time, actively listening, cuddles, reassurance...speak to her class teacher too and ask them to be mindful to her sensitivites, and maybe liaise with the teacher weekly to see if they notice any changes, anything in circle time..

    It sounds like she may have seen a lot too in her young years..ill health, medication etc..be mindful of it all really. Please speak to people about it too if you need support; doing so you are modelling that it is okay to ask for help when things are tough.

    Above all, keep any conflict away from her. Im not saying there is any, but little ears hear phonecalls etc and she doesnt need ot be in the middle. Have a clear and frank discussion with your ex partner and the child's father about this also. She doesnt need it.

    You say she asks questions, happy to help if you need x


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