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Newborn baby, unsupportive father
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21-07-2012 5:17pm#1
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+100 on what January says.
Rule out any underlying issues.
Then tell him it's time to grow up.
Baby's are hard work. Really hard work. You don't get a tea break, or a lunch break, or a 5 minute chat with a work mate.... they're constant.
Seeing as your bottle feeding, I also 100% agree with getting up tomorrow morning, telling Mr. that you're off out for a walk, and take you're time coming home. Get yourself a nice coffee somewhere. You must need the caffeine hit
When there are two parents, both need to do their bit. It's not fair that the money earner can consider themselves finished working when they come home. They've another job to do once they get there.0 -
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Unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight. That concept worked wonders here.
OP, i'm going to possibly go against the grain here and maybe suggest you maybe try to avoid outright fights on this for a small bit. I think i read some crazy high statistics for relationship breakups in the first year post baby. It is very stressful for both people. I remember I was down to my last nerve by the time my husband came home from work some days on mat leave. I remember once, the baby had a tummy bug, and while I had her bathed, fed and clean, I think I had her puke still in my hair and was totally shattered. He took one look at me and said he was going out to the gym. Arg. Leaving me to do bedtime without even a chance for food or a shower. So angry.
Anyway, we had a giant barney obviously when he came home. Both of us said things that were way out of line. Along the lines of what your fella said, and I gave as good as I got. But i tried to rein it in and discuss rationally after that one. He was run down as well. Basically, we were both tired and A new baby was a huge shock to the system. It takes a lot of getting used to.
I got some back problems about 4 months in, and he took over all cot leaning and lifting until I was sorted. You still wake even when you are not doing the feeding. I got a whole new perspective, disturbed sleep even when you don't get up, is still very bloody tiring.
The conversation about who does what needs to happen, but try to pick a time when you are not about to tear his head off, if you can!
Also try to remember that he may not know what to actually do. You have so much more experience now, than you had 9 weeks ago. He is a good bit behind you. Nappy change, it's still probably a five minute job for him, you have it done in 30 seconds. Bottles, i betcha he has no clue how to mix them up or when baby gets them. He probably feels like a total useless idiot in his own home, nobody reacts to that well. bathing, has he done it alone? Bedtime routine? Settling for naps? It's all alien to him, as it was to you. You got dropped in the deep end and figured it out, but he has not had that yet. You might even have to write it out for him.
Also, you BOTH need time alone. Your lie in on the mornings can be balanced with him getting some off-time alotted as well over the weekend. It may be an hour of telly or whatever during the day, but all family time, all weekend is hard going for a newbie parent of any gender.
Oh, and you can tell him from me that no woman does it all alone. "it takes a village" isn't a recent saying. We used to have massive families and communities, full of mothers, aunts, sisters, nannies, neighbours who helped. we don't have that anymore. So again, unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight. 0 -
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He got to explain to me that he feels useless, that he doean't know what to do an how to deal with our daughter, that he is having difficulty connecting with her because she doesn't yet respond to him when he talks to her.
I thought it was only me that felt like that at the start too (as a dad). It does get better from a fathers perspective and by extension for mam as well. Our littlle fella is now almost 4 months old and is full of cooing ,smiles etc by now and its so much easier to feel a bond.
Great to hear you have talked it over, and believe me your OHs heart will melt the first time baba coo's and smiles and grabs his finger, I promise! Have a weather station?, why not join the Ireland Weather Network - http://irelandweather.eu/
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I thought it was only me that felt like that at the start too (as a dad). It does get better from a fathers perspective and by extension for mam as well. Our littlle fella is now almost 4 months old and is full of cooing ,smiles etc by now and its so much easier to feel a bond.
Great to hear you have talked it over, and believe me your OHs heart will melt the first time baba coo's and smiles and grabs his finger, I promise!
As a dad, I found the whole experience completely overwhelming if I'm honest. Was brought to tears several dozen times in the first 6 months.
I felt so helpless when things were bad, baby up crying at 4am, me and the missus shouting at each other, exhausted, at the end of our tether, and just as we thought things couldn't get worse, he would throw a new challenge at us...it was incredibly, incredibly difficult, and remains so at times even now.....a year later.
I would say those first few months are the worst, when your baby gives you nothing but indifference and anger. When they smile at you, everything begins to change.
I love my boy more than the world now. I would do anything for him, anything.
My favourite quote about this is when someone said up until you have children, your life is a constant 8/10. When you have a child, it becomes a series of 1's and 10's. For the first few months as a dad it is a constant 1. But then the 10's become more frequent :-)0 -
Oh, and you can tell him from me that no woman does it all alone. "it takes a village" isn't a recent saying. We used to have massive families and communities, full of mothers, aunts, sisters, nannies, neighbours who helped. we don't have that anymore. So again, unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight.
Excellent point pwurple. I think if you lack support of friends/relatives then being a stay at home mum can at times be isolating & a little overwhelming.
Kaalgat I'm delighted that you got sorted with your partner & that he's going to help more now.
I think people sometimes do underestimate how much is involved in caring for a newborn. Like the work colleage that told me to enjoy my "holiday" when I was going on maternity leave :rolleyes: I think he genuinely thought I'd be sitting on my ar$e drinking tea & watching day time tv the whole time I was off :pac:0 -
I think people sometimes do underestimate how much is involved in caring for a newborn. Like the work colleage that told me to enjoy my "holiday" when I was going on maternity leave :rolleyes: I think he genuinely thought I'd be sitting on my ar$e drinking tea & watching day time tv the whole time I was off :pac:[/Quote]
It is amazing how many people think this! I recently got a comment from a friend telling me I must be bored at home all the time... If only
Things are definitely looking up! When I came downstairs from settling our daughter last night, the kitchen was spotless, and a cup of tea was waiting for me! It sounds like so little, but it makes such a huge difference!0 -
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