Strange toilet behaviours

Sam Kade

haribos wrote: »

I cannot shower if the toilet seat and top are up....i dont know what i think will come up at me but i just cant leave it open. It freaks me out to close my eyes in the shower whilst it is open, I know I have issues!

Go home Yank

Cienciano

A guy in work brings a cup of tea into the jacks with him. It's a fairly smelly jacks too with no ventilation. How the hell can you enjoy a cup of tea when taking a shit?
You can hear him putting the cup on the floor inbetween sups of tea too

mfceiling

It's threads like this that make me miss the Flutt so much.......

*sniffs*

kfallon

I remember being in a pub in Dublin (pretty well known one too) about 10 years ago, needed to 'cut some rope' so off I went in to do what was required. Jocks halfway down me legs when I noticed no bog roll :mad: So I pull them back up and go back to my seat.

When I sit down I notice a guy who was at the table alongside us has an Evening Herald. Now this is a cider shite that's brewing so there's not much time before I HAVE to go! So for the next 5 mins I started gradually moving the Herald closer to me (guy kinda had his back to our table) until eventually I managed to get it off the table. Under my arm it went and off to the cubicle with me. It wasn't great on the ould 'Japanese Flag', bit rough and I probably spent the rest of the night with the days headlines splashed across my ring but when you gotta go, you gotta go!

Wasn't long after me and Cider went our sperate ways

dipper.meath16

I foundlastyear, goin to the jacks at eletric picnic, how sick some people are!! Used jacks roll with brown on the ground and piss everywhere, sick freaks!!
Was also afraid incase some funny f**ks pushed the cubicle over, jackass style!!
So Got up early the next morn, just as i heard the portaloo company cleaning them, to get in the fresh jacks before anyone else destroyed them!!

Odysseus

Canis Lupus wrote: »

I have serious trouble taking a no2 on a strange toilet although it relates more I think to the fact that you're obviously in someone elses home etc. I think there's nothing worse than trying to be quiet and it ultimately sounding like all the water has just splashed out and everyone in the house just....knowing you've done a big one....

I also went travelling by bike for 7 months. You don't want to know how flipping difficult wild pooping can be.

I went down with dysentery on the 3rd day of the MdS, that is the long day; actually a large amount of the runners did. Anyway about 8am the following morning I stoppped to try get some food down my neck at a check point. The where a few lads doing the same, one french guy asked me if I had spare running shorts as he sleep for an hour and awoke to find his white shorts has change colour. I told him to just wash them the desert heat would dry them within an hour.

Anyway a chap got his kit together and started off again a few mins ahead of me. I made it about 500 meters from the check point and I seen this big arse, the guy who just left. As I passed poor fcuker he says to me "this is the 42th sh!te I had in the past 24 hours. I sure I was about the same I just wasn't keeping count.

Another time I had to give a urine sample, we take them in work so I have no problem with the supervised part, we have mirrors all over the place as clients can be vquite inventive. Anyway the doc hands me the comtainer and gloves up, so I say where the bathroom expecting him to led the way. "ah sure I just take them here" he says so I had to stand at the end of his desk and p!ss into the cup. So I waited until he degloved said is that it are we good, he answer yes. So I put my hand out to shake his hand saying thank you very much Doctor.

He shook my hand but the look on his face was priceless, as I could not wash my hands:)

Diapason

I thought of this thread yesterday. I had a bit of a photo finish followed by a bowl-splattering experience in work, and I thought it only fair to use the brush and aid the flush. The bristles on that fucking brush are obviously under serious tension, because I managed to whip the defiled toilet water from the bowl onto my fucking glasses and face.

Definitely the low point of my day, but depressingly enough my first thought wasn't "I must clean my face and glasses", it was "I must tell the good people on boards".

HoggyRS

Me and the lads have a whatsapp conversation group(called the Poop Group!) where the only topic is a description and rating of your ****. This morning I woke up to see; "5/10. good solid texture, just a bit too much effort"


This is the kind of stuff I just need to know

Green Mile

I feel it is my duty to clean away the brown in the toilet with my pee.

Lord of the Bongs

I always have a hard time taking the poo. I just can seem to relax anuff to get it straight out, I need a copy of the Beano or some comic with daft fun pictures and words to make my bowels relax and I never sit on the toilet till I am about to go, i sit in from of the toilet as if i am a astronaut about to take of, until i do take off.

Green Mile

I always use toilet paper squares and place them on the seat.
It's hygenic and there's no cold shock when you sit down.
I even do it on my own home toilet even though I know its clean.

Mint Sauce

Green Mile wrote: »

I always use toilet paper squares and place them on the seat.
It's hygenic and there's no cold shock when you sit down.
I even do it on my own home toilet even though I know its clean.

Then some more toilet paper in the bowl to prevent splash back. Dont do this in own home/friends/family though.

When i hear the satisfactory splash of an escaping trout, i always react with a "Howiye"

petes

I don't get how some people can spend an eternity in the bog. A couple of the lads here at work take an age (can range from 20 mins to a half hour) and it's noticeable as there are only a few of us here.


What are they doing in there

kfallon

Insurgent wrote: »

I don't get how some people can spend an eternity in the bog. A couple of the lads here at work take an age (can range from 20 mins to a half hour) and it's noticeable as there are only a few of us here.


What are they doing in there

My guess is sleeping tbh!

petes

kfallon wrote: »

My guess is sleeping tbh!

To be honest there is one of them that I wouldn't be surprised at that as I think he might go in and forget to come out and not on purpose

Diapason

Insurgent wrote: »

What are they doing in there

Apart from pooing and wiping (which can take an eternity if Guinness has been consumed within the last 8 days) they could be playing Angry Birds, Facebooking, texting, twittering, boardsing, blogging, or, if all else fails, staring at the back of the door contemplating life.

antodeco

If you have a hairy arse like me, it takes forever to wipe clean, unless there's baby wipes there!

DesperateDan

Yup this thread is gross.

Intensive Care Bear

dipper.meath16 wrote: »

I foundlastyear, goin to the jacks at eletric picnic, how sick some people are!! Used jacks roll with brown on the ground and piss everywhere, sick freaks!!
Was also afraid incase some funny f**ks pushed the cubicle over, jackass style!!
So Got up early the next morn, just as i heard the portaloo company cleaning them, to get in the fresh jacks before anyone else destroyed them!!

I went to planet love music festival about 5 years ago and I put a padlock (which I had in a toolbox in my car) on one of the toilets to keep it clean for me and my missus. It worked a treat apart from a bit of abuse off some people.

johnwest288

Yup.... few sick puppies in this thread allright:rolleyes:

barry711

I dont like to wash my hands then touch the key and door handle that might be coverd in germs after I've just washed my hands, so I grab some toilet paper and open unlock the door with it and open it, then throw it into the toilet so I dont have to touch the dirty key/handle.

Sometimes I'll stand to the side of the jacks and piss into it,

Other times if I've got a full on erection or semi and need a slash, I'll start pissing, then back away from the bowl and see how far I can go!

westendgirlie

lol

Insurgent

Insurgent wrote: »

I don't get how some people can spend an eternity in the bog. A couple of the lads here at work take an age (can range from 20 mins to a half hour) and it's noticeable as there are only a few of us here.


What are they doing in there

I won't go unless I can allocate at least 15 or 20 mins, I like to relax, take my time and have a good read of the paper or Internet.

Paddy Cow

Sam Kade wrote: »

I was in a pub once where some dirty b@stard sh1t on the floor beside the urinals.

I used to work in Supermacs and one time some dirty fcuker shat into a coke cup, put the lid on it and then threw it down the toilet :rolleyes:

kfallon wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RmBQarrygY

Rats can climb up toilet bowls :eek:

Giselle

That whole rat/toilet thing is going to cause me no end of problems.

Akarinn

Scratching your gooch and then smelling your hand... OM NOM NOM!

chops018

uch wrote: »

I shít you not !

Epic fail at trying to get a load of thanks with the first comment!

NegativeCreep

My mate rang me while taking a piss the other day. I didnt say anything about it and neither did he but I could hear the piss :L it was very unnerving. Couldnt he have waited?

whiteonblu

A friend of mine who suffers severe pain has to take pain killers that cause diarrhea if he does not eat first. When he was on a FAS course he did not have time to eat one morning but took the meds. He had to go when he got to FAS. As he was taking down pants he exploded and crapped all over toilet/wall behind and floor around.

He ran to another cubicle incase anyone came in and cleaned himself. He went to pee at break and got talking to cleaner who was telling him about the dirty bastard who had made such a mess that morning. That was in 1990's and even today the memory of the look of indignation on the cleaners face cracks him up. He does not know how he kept a straight face when cleaner was telling him about the dirty bastard

Gummy Panda

Giselle wrote: »

That whole rat/toilet thing is going to cause me no end of problems.

One day you'll be on the toilet and rat will crawl up and bite you on the taint

Giselle

Gummy Panda wrote: »

One day you'll be on the toilet and rat will crawl up and bite you on the taint

That is indeed my nightmare scenario




('Taint' is a new one to me. Ick.)

mauzo

Once the toilet is flushed regularly a visitor shouldnt be an issue!

When my parents go on holidays, my mum puts the lid down on all toilets and flushes them as soon as shes back!

ringadingding

I hate the **** who smoke whilst shîtting, walking into a smokey shîtty smelling 1m sq cubicle with a yellow fag butt floating in the jacks makes me Want to puke, and punch the head off the dirty fûckers shoulders

I hate the **** who smoke whilst shîtting, walking into a smokey shîtty smelling 1m sq cubicle with a yellow fag butt floating in the jacks makes me Want to puke, and punch the head off the dirty fûckers shoulders

I have no sympathy for you, the toilet is the place for wet butts anyway.