Irish Army Upgrades for Cash-in-Transit after Oil Find off Cork

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An Irish Defence Forces Press Office confirmed this morning, that the Irish army will be reviewing security procedures and procuring main battle tanks to help assist their important role of providing armed escort to Cash in Transit security lorries which make deliveries to Ireland’s Banks. The move follows the impending availability of unprecedented levels of public funding that will now be possible after the massive oil finds off Ireland’s Cork coast, equivalent to 29% of the world’s proven reserves.

Commandant Iggy MacDelusion provided further details: ‘these Leopard 2 tanks are surplus to the Swedish army requirements and we will be leasing them from the Swedes after the appropriate 14 month training courses have been completed together at the private Las Vegas Tank Ride facility Nevada. The days of being made fun of inside the Pajeros are now over, because lets face it, a Leopard 2 tank will command instant respect from all road users….and nobody would dare steal the gazillions of money that will be sloshing around the cash vans. …..If they try it….. we will simply kill them with the 120mm gun…or if we fancy …we might just crush them.”

The Commandant confirmed that “there will be a steep learning curve obviously…some of the smaller rural roads and villages will not be up to it …but they can just be destroyed and rebuilt as appropriate.. and the Tanks can actually do that themselves as they move about”. It was uncofirmed last night if the National Roads Authority has expressed their unease about the scale and sudden nature of the plan, although it appears the Union representing security van workers has expressed ‘grave concerns for the health and safety of their members’ in a statement issued this afternoon, which warned of accidental crushings. The Defence Press Office spokesman responded: ‘these vehicles will be fully NCT compliant and may even run on biofuel….all our drivers will be insured and have a Certificate in Professional Competence’.

Controversy about the unprecedented move was also stoked when an email campaign by the mysterious and previously unheard of Front for Equality and Interests of Cork (FEIC) suggested the huge tanks were actually being purchased to ensure that any seccessionist threats from the South of Ireland’s Island would be crushed if such political moves are attempted. Commandant MacDelusion declined to comment on this, but did point out that ‘the new 12,000 tonne helicopter carriers, the O’Dea class, now being built in India for the Naval Service would be more suited to that role….this is just the usual Cork…waffle and moaning…”

-Reuters.