No guys out there for me?

eaglach

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

brokenice

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

i wouldn't worry about it. yes there are a lot of flamers out there, one's who 'say' they are not camp, weirdos, creeps, wusses, mammy's boys, drama queens, scene queens, sh!theads, posers, etc...wow that list can go on and on.....

I really doubt liking video games and alternative music is that uncommon for anybody, let alone gay men to have interest in. just get off gaydar and get out there. i stopped using that rubbish a while now and never looked back....i got nothing but major negative energy off that thing. real world is much better, chatted up a guy recently, he wasn't interested, no biggie, just keep on grooving!

don't be afraid to jump on in and just do things, keep your eyes open, people check each other out, friends have friends, it's a small world, you'll meet someone....and what's wrong with being single anyway?

baby and crumble

Can we please not diss non straight acting gay men in this thread? It happens a bit too often for my liking.

On topic- OP, I'm with my partner for 8 1/2 years now, and starting off we had very different tastes in music (still do to a point), we like different movies, I'm a gamer and she isn't, she likes different tv shows to me, but we're alike in what matters- what we want out of life in general and we like each other. I don't think that sharing hobbies and likes is vital, not at the start anyway. More often than not it's fun and interesting learning about new things from new people, especially if you fancy them. I'm still learning new things about my gf, nearly 9 years on!

Conor30

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

I presume you're looking for a relationship and not just hook-ups? Well then, why does a potential guy have to be a rocker, a gamer and have the exact same taste in film and TV as you??
What matters is that you fancy (initially and subsequently love), respect and trust the guy.
Lots of couples, both gay and straight, don't always share many interests and hobbies. What they do share is a mutual respect, similar values and similar goals in life. Have you never heard of 'golf widows' or 'fishing widows'? Those couples still get along well and have great marriages.
I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might but I'll say it anyway. I don't know what age you are, but maybe you need to do some growing up?

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

Haha no, you're not. These "straight acting" non camp guys make up the majority of the gay community don't worry. I'm very masculine and so not camp that I'm not believed when I tell people I'm gay. I like games, who the hell doesn't these days btw? But I am very mainstream in my music taste. The only way you're limiting yourself is by using manhunt and gaydar instead of going out and finding these guys in-person.
Don't rely on these websites to find your potential partner. Nothing beats going out and meeting guys. At least then you can get a sense of the chemistry in real life instead of a rough idea through a computer screen. It's not an alternative or substitute for the real thing and is totally different and a bit unnatural feeling by comparison.

Even if you don't have the exact same interests, how could that doom a relationship without even trying? No guy has to like and be 100% interested in everything you are for it to work.
I know that for me, if I met a guy exactly like myself in every single way, I'd run 10k in the opposite direction and it would be an instant disaster. IMO, I like a bit of a miscompatibility on interests, provided it's not major. At least then it's not boring and predictable!

Part of the fun of meeting people is susing them out and learning their interests and expanding your own. If you don't do that, how will will you ever grow?

You're not going to be forever alone but get yourself out there. It's very easy to be picky and selective of guys on the internet because there are rows and rows of them and you can easily try a new guy if the old doesn't quite cut it for you just because he doesn't fill out all the necessary criteria.
That's not so easy in real life and you have to invest a lot more in them inorder to scope them out and make that call. But it's worth it and way more rewarding than sending and receiving the same generic crap back and forth that these sites are renowned for.

Honestly man, do yourself a favour and leave these sites for the hook ups and get your ass on a night out and meet your potential guys there. I guarantee you, it'll go much better for you! I think you're putting too much emphasis on finding something substantial on them when the vast majority are looking for sex and nothing much after that.

DubArk

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

My partners and I have been together for longer then I want to admit….. We both have completely different tastes. I love playing games on line and he doesn’t even have an email address… that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how different we are!! That allows us both to bring different things into our relationship. I would describe us both as straight acting if that’s important!

I never planned on meeting him because well how can you plan on something like that, it just happened. We actually spotted each other in a straight bar and I didn’t know his views on Music, Gaming, Sport, Politics or Climate Change…. I just fancied the pants off him!!

Maybe you need to get out there and meet people, all different types of people and put down the questionnaire and live life and just maybe he’ll walk into that room, be at that party, be drinking at that bar, pass you on that street or spot you on that bus. Just maybe!

ongarboy

I agree with much of what the other posters have said. Similar hobbies and interests is not necessarily the key to a successful relationship (even platonic). My partner and I are chalk and cheese in many ways but gel in so many other ways that are not down to similar interests or even at times our conflicting outlooks/opinions. Two of my best friends are sports fanatics but I have no interest yet we can chat for hours about most anything else.

Try and venture out into the real world. The virtual world of the internet is just that - virtual...not real. Sure, there have been successful hook ups and LTRs created from the net but I think interacting with real people in the flesh allows you a better chance of forming more genuine friendships or even romance (not saying it's easy in the real world either but I think you do have a better shot that way!).

azezil

Just to reiterate what others have said, you can't tell what a person is like based on an online profile and you most certainly are not alone in liking Rock / metal music, video games etc. but again as has been said you don't need to have lots in common to make a relationship work.

I however disagree that it's easier in person, from my experience I find getting to know someone online for a while first has worked out better for me. Everyone's different.

floggg

For the record there is nothing wrong with "camp" guys. No shots here.

I'm a "masculine" guy though. Most of my gay friends are "masculine" guys. There's loads of us. It's just a matter of getting out there and meeting them.

The problem with Internet profiles is that you only get to judge a person by a picture and a short rambly blurb and a few boxes ticked for hobbies and interests.

When you can't get a sense of their personality, those boxes (which fouls otherwise be fairly meaningless) take on a whole bed importance as its the only thing to screen on. So you might reject a guy for being into something like Geordie shore or pan pipe music because it's all you have to go on about them, whereas in real life you would gladly overlook such supposed "flaws" in an otherwise great guy.

As to the how's of meeting them, while I'm fully on board with meeting guys in bars, I'd recommend getting involved in a sports or other group as well.

Its hard to make meaningful connections in bars, especially if your on you own or with one or two others. If you'd out with a few friends it's easier to get talking to people, rather than just drunkenly scoring at the end of the night!

You'll get to make friends with similar interests, which will make it easier to meet people romantically - whether it be from having a group to socialise with in bars or meeting friends of your new friends etc.

P.S. I'm a middle class white guy who only really listens to underground hip-hip. If I find a guy who's even heard of half the artists I like I count myself lucky. I long ago gave up hope of finding somebody with the same musical taste. Instead I'm looking for somebody who's willing to compromise about what music gets played on the radio!

marcus2000

eaglach wrote: »

.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

well if thats how you feel, then thats probably what you're projecting. There are millions of gay guys out there, of all different varieties!! Try lighten up and start dating the blokes that you think may not be your exact type. You may be surprised.

Rick_

I'm the same as you OP, I like rock and metal music, love my gaming and am a big TV and film buff. Also have very straight mannerisms, am not looking for hook-ups and am tired of gay websites and even the scene which I have had no luck at all in.

So there you go, someone just like you does exist. But it doesn't mean your ideal partner has to be a carbon copy of you. It's the differences that can make a relationship interesting, and as the saying goes... opposites attract!

eaglach

baby and crumble wrote: »

Can we please not diss non straight acting gay men in this thread? It happens a bit too often for my liking.

I don't know why my taste in other men bothers you. Would you be as offended if I said I didn't like guys with blond hair or chubby guys? It's a personal preference, that's all.

Conor30 wrote: »

I presume you're looking for a relationship and not just hook-ups? Well then, why does a potential guy have to be a rocker, a gamer and have the exact same taste in film and TV as you??
What matters is that you fancy (initially and subsequently love), respect and trust the guy.
Lots of couples, both gay and straight, don't always share many interests and hobbies. What they do share is a mutual respect, similar values and similar goals in life. Have you never heard of 'golf widows' or 'fishing widows'? Those couples still get along well and have great marriages.
I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might but I'll say it anyway. I don't know what age you are, but maybe you need to do some growing up?

To be honest, I am basing everything on my own experiences. I've only ever come across one guy that I really really liked. He had the same sense of humor, liked the same films and tv shows, we shared a similar taste in music. Loads of things in common and I think this is the reason I really liked him. We just clicked. The only problem was that he is not gay and he is a close friend.

I once met a guy off manhunt. We chatted for a while before meeting up. Seemed to get on great. We had a couple things in common, but not much. The "date" went fine and we still talk but we just didn't click. I just find it difficult to be really interested in someone when they talk about things you've no interest in, and vice versa!

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.

Nothing is easy it seems.

Rick_

That was also my perception of the scene, but then I actually went and it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it to be. Yes, there are the skinny, campy teens and the posers staring at you as if they own the place and you are not welcome, but there are the normal guys who are dead on and on my last few trips I did see a guy wearing New Rocks, had long hair and a nice beard with a Metallica t-shirt. Pity he was with his partner or I'd have approached him. The scene has all types, and you'll never know who's there until you go and see for yourself!

1ZRed

eaglach wrote: »

I don't know why my taste in other men bothers you. Would you be as offended if I said I didn't like guys with blond hair or chubby guys? It's a personal preference, that's all.



To be honest, I am basing everything on my own experiences. I've only ever come across one guy that I really really liked. He had the same sense of humor, liked the same films and tv shows, we shared a similar taste in music. Loads of things in common and I think this is the reason I really liked him. We just clicked. The only problem was that he is not gay and he is a close friend.

I once met a guy off manhunt. We chatted for a while before meeting up. Seemed to get on great. We had a couple things in common, but not much. The "date" went fine and we still talk but we just didn't click. I just find it difficult to be really interested in someone when they talk about things you've no interest in, and vice versa!

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.


Nothing is easy it seems.

Get offline! I don't go to gay bars, I'm not fully out and I still do it. Have some balls man and tear yourself away from these hook up sites if you want a meaningful relationship. Honestly it seems like you're coming across as feeling helpless and think you are going to end up alone because you're afraid of how camp gay life is. It's all in your head.
Why are you making these assumptions if you've never experienced a gay bar or have even hit up with a guy apart from online? You're just basing everything you think of off stereotypes and tbh, I think you're doing it so you won't have to go. It's too gay for you. BS man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and meet other guys in a straight club or a gay club. Never been to a full on gay club myself but I don't have anything against it because I don't believe the stereotypes. Maybe you should try it out. You do realise when you came to grips with your sexuality, you didn't match all the stereotypes and the same goes for gay bars.

I don't get why you're making all these excuses and have these false perceptions when you haven't tried it out. To me, it seems like you have very unrealistic expectations for what a guy should be for you. You do realise no single person can be like you that much right? The best you can hope for is that you share a lot of interests and that's more than enough for a relationship. Once you shy away from the warped reality of gaydar and manhunt you will get an eye opener and realise you can't be so unrealisticaly picky in the real world because you are unique and you won't find your carbon copy EVER.
But you'll learn and you'll be happy regardless once you inevitably find someone who may or may not have a lot of similar interests.

You just need a good kick up the arse to get you moving. Otherwise it's only you that's limiting yourself not the gay community limiting your choice of men.
It's a bit annoying you see yourself as the only one. Masculine guys that don't conform to the stereotype make up the biggest and most substantial part of the communty. So don't push me into a minority I don't belong too. You might have known that if you stayed off manhunt and when out to see for yourself.

So stop the complaining if you're only going to use websites and apps to find your partner. Go out and/or join clubs to find like minded guys. You'll feel forever alone if you never try. And of you never try, you'll never know.

This is tough love but I think it's appropriate to wake you up and get you thinking more realistically, away from these unrealistic "dating" websites.

Ciaran0

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

Short answer is yes, you're being too picky.

Long answer is, there isn't going to be someone out there who's tailor made to fit your personality and interests. You've just got to meet new people (or even some old people) and you'll hit it off with some of them.

Also, you really shouldn't decide against liking someone you've only met online. You really should decide after meeting people in person. If you're unsure about a guy, what harm can a date do?

paulmorro

eaglach wrote: »

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.
(

I'm not a massive fan of the bars and the nights they have myself, BUT the people in the bars are a mix. Some will be too camp for you but most actually won't be. So like any bar, you won't be like everyone but you will be like some people.

There are also plenty of sports and social groups that you could join, good way to actually get to know people with similar interests to you. Again the people in those groups may or may not appeal to you, but I doubt you'd find no one you didn't click with at least on a friend level.

You're new to the scene, do you know any gay people? If not, you might find that when you start to know a few people, the situation normalises a bit, and some of your hangups might go away. But the only way you'll know that is if you get out there a bit first.

stooodent

eaglach are you on psn??

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

Get offline! I don't go to gay bars, I'm not fully out and I still do it.

You have confused me. You say you don't go to gay bars, but you still do?

1ZRed wrote: »

Why are you making these assumptions if you've never experienced a gay bar or have even hit up with a guy apart from online? You're just basing everything you think of off stereotypes and tbh, I think you're doing it so you won't have to go. It's too gay for you. BS man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and meet other guys in a straight club or a gay club. Never been to a full on gay club myself but I don't have anything against it because I don't believe the stereotypes.

1ZRed wrote: »

I don't get why you're making all these excuses and have these false perceptions when you haven't tried it out.

You are saying I have false perceptions. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but you really can't get up on your high horse and start judging me when you haven't been to one yourself so you have no idea what they're really like either!

And meeting guys in a straight club? Impossible. How are you supposed to even approach a guy in a straight club.

1ZRed wrote: »

It's a bit annoying you see yourself as the only one. Masculine guys that don't conform to the stereotype make up the biggest and most substantial part of the communty. So don't push me into a minority I don't belong too. You might have known that if you stayed off manhunt and when out to see for yourself.

I'm not pushing you into any minority. I'm not talking about masculine guys in particular. It's masculine guys that share my interests is what the problem is. And I've no idea where you're getting this critical attitude from. Telling me to get off manhunt and go out to see for myself? You don't even go to gay clubs! So what are you doing that is different to what I do? I go to bars and clubs. I socialise. What more can I do!

stooodent wrote: »

eaglach are you on psn??

Don't have a playstation. Xbox guy.

stooodent

xbox 360... oh dear a relationship between you and I was never to be lol what kinda bands are you into i know you said rock but that's fairly broad

1ZRed

You have confused me. You say you don't go to gay bars, but you still do?

I don't go to gay bars but I still go out and meet guys in normal clubs

You are saying I have false perceptions. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but you really can't get up on your high horse and start judging me when you haven't been to one yourself so you have no idea what they're really like either!

Yeah you do. I've spoken to so many guys about this and it's nothing like what you see on tv. It's not packed with flamers and overly camp guys exclusively. 'Normal' more masculine average guys go there too. But yeah I'll have to go to one sometime. And I couldn't give a **** what it's like. It's always good to try something out instead of being dismissive of it based on nothing. *note I'm neither praising nor dismissing them that's being neutral and open minded, the right way to be if you're having problems finding the type of guys as you do.

And meeting guys in a straight club? Impossible. How are you supposed to even approach a guy in a straight club.

Hahaha and what have I been doing all this time? You think it's impossible to meet gay/bi guys in a straight club? Maybe that's your fault at failing to pick them up but I do alright and meet a good few. Did you really think all the non straight guys get rounded up and thrown into the gay club or onto those hook up sites?

I'm not pushing you into any minority. I'm not talking about masculine guys in particular. It's masculine guys that share my interests is what the problem is. And I've no idea where you're getting this critical attitude from. Telling me to get off manhunt and go out to see for myself? You don't even go to gay clubs! So what are you doing that is different to what I do? I go to bars and clubs. I socialise. What more can I do!

So because I'm gay and don't go to gay clubs, I shouldn't know any better because I can't go anywhere else?
Gay bars aren't the be all and end all of being gay. Many gay guys aren't into the typical gay scene. Perfectly acceptable and they get by just fine without the need of sites if they join clubs, go to gay friendly/straight bars. I meet gay and bi guys quite often in unexpected places and I think I have a bit of an eye for spotting them. You're being really naive in your posts if you think you can only find straight guys in straight clubs.

Btw, what age are you?

fkt

eaglach wrote: »

By the way, I do not go to gay bars either. I have a negative perception of them. They seem extremely camp, and that's really something I'm not into. Now, give me a gay rock and metal bar and I'll be the first one there! Another thing is that I'm not really out to many people so I don't want to take the risk of being spotted and outted on a night out.

Nothing is easy it seems.

How do they 'seem' camp if you've never been to one...? I'm very new to the 'scene', and I have realised rapidly that they are lads of all ages/backgrounds/etc. out there - believe me. Wether the 'perfect' man is out there for you or not, clubs/bars are generally not near as 'camp' as stereotypes would have you believe, REALLY!

Nothing is easy... meh. The way I see it I could get hit by a train tomorrow morning... Just go out there and see what happens... if it doesn't work out... whatever... at least you've tried. And it could well work out, you'd be surprised

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

I've spoken to so many guys about this and it's nothing like what you see on tv. It's not packed with flamers and overly camp guys exclusively. 'Normal' more masculine average guys go there too. But yeah I'll have to go to one sometime. And I couldn't give a **** what it's like. It's always good to try something out instead of being dismissive of it based on nothing. *note I'm neither praising nor dismissing them that's being neutral and open minded, the right way to be if you're having problems finding the type of guys as you do.

Well just this minute I was googling gay clubs in Dublin, and just checking their photo galleries to see what they are like. It's exactly as I imagined. Plus, the idea that these club promoters can snap a photo of you and paste it up online doesn't really help my confidence in going to one of these clubs when I'm not fully out.

1ZRed wrote: »

Hahaha and what have I been doing all this time? You think it's impossible to meet gay/bi guys in a straight club? Maybe that's your fault at failing to pick them up but I do alright and meet a good few. Did you really think all the non straight guys get rounded up and thrown into the gay club or onto those hook up sites?

1ZRed wrote: »

You're being really naive in your posts if you think you can only find straight guys in straight clubs.

Your attitude really isn't helping. Do think it's impossible for me to physically meet a gay guy in a straight club? Of course not. I'm sure I bump into them all the time.

But tell me, how is it my fault at failing to pick them up? Do I have some kind of magical gaydar that I am unaware of? You would never suspect I was gay so how am I supposed to find "straight-acting" guys in a sea of straight guys?

1ZRed wrote: »

Btw, what age are you?

I am in my mid twenties.

1ZRed

Well just this minute I was googling gay clubs in Dublin, and just checking their photo galleries to see what they are like. It's exactly as I imagined. Plus, the idea that these club promoters can snap a photo of you and paste it up online doesn't really help my confidence in going to one of these clubs when I'm not fully out.

Well take it from the guys who have posted otherwise, it's not entirely the case. I know I'm not into the whole perceived stereotypical gay club either but I don't care, it's worth checking out to see.
And who cares if they take pictures. Chances are, anyone who actually sees them isn't all that straight. Don't tell me you're one of those plank profiles on gaydar/manhunt too afraid of being outed. I'm hardly out either but I know for a fact I shouldn't live in fear because the chances of me being outed on those sites is slim to ****.

Your attitude really isn't helping. Do think it's impossible for me to physically meet a gay guy in a straight club? Of course not. I'm sure I bump into them all the time.

You implied it was impossible to meet gay guys at a straight club so why the change of heart? It was never a dig at your attractiveness but if you can't meet a guy there after years, you have to start to think about your game plan and not make excuses that it's impossible to do so.

But tell me, how is it my fault at failing to pick them up? Do I have some kind of magical gaydar that I am unaware of? You would never suspect I was gay so how am I supposed to find "straight-acting" guys in a sea of straight guys?

It is because I don't think you're perusing them and taking a chance. No I don't have magical gaydar, just the regular one that I've developed over the last while. It's more the mixture and being one of the guys to them, being very subtle and flirty but there's a definite eye contact thing that happens that you don't see in straight guys. I have a post buried somewhere here that explains what I'm on about and I'll update it when I find it.
But yeah, it's a mixture and testing the waters, being confidant, reading the signs and being so subtle it's unnoticeable if you fail or so that you don't spook him.

You would never suspect me for being gay either. Not ever but that's like a lot of gay guys too but you just don't see or notice them. You are supposed to find the guys by susing them out, having a laugh and leading it somewhere unknowingly to them. It does become apparent once you get down to talking and you take an educated guess and it gets reciprocated. It's no harm to try anything.

I think you would be way more comfortable doing all of this if you were out. At least then there's no pressure to go up talking to guys when you're trying to be closeted in a straight club/bar. But that's your call.

I am in my mid twenties

Man you're not a closet teenager. It's time to grow a pair and see what things are actually like. It's more than time enough you've done it.

ongarboy

OP - I think you need to make gay friends first which will allow opportunities to open up for meeting or casually being introduced to guys that could potentially turn into relationships etc. I know it can be hard to walk into a gay bar alone especially if you've never ventured into the scene before. Why not try one of the Boards Beers meet ups that the folks here organise periodically? Through making friends, you have a few mates to head out to the clubs/pubs as little or as often as you like. I would never have met my OH if I didn't head out with mates to the clubs where I was introduced to him by a friend of a friend and it started unplanned from there.

There is a Wet'n'Wild activity club that loads of guys of all backgrounds/interests/personalities take part in a variety of sports/activities such as hiking, canoeing, windsurfing, tag rugby etc. I'm a friend of one of the organisers of this club and he has told me a fair few guys have hooked up through Wet'n'Wild but more importantly, they have made lots of friends through it. I was with him one night in the Front Lounge and couldn't get over all the guys from Wet'n'Wild that came up to him to chat (a good few hotties too btw!!). There are options out there but you have to be proactive, think positive (no more woe is me) and get out there for something to happen!

eaglach

1ZRed wrote: »

And who cares if they take pictures. Chances are, anyone who actually sees them isn't all that straight. Don't tell me you're one of those plank profiles on gaydar/manhunt too afraid of being outed. I'm hardly out either but I know for a fact I shouldn't live in fear because the chances of me being outed on those sites is slim to ****.

Well you are young and have little to worry about. It is different coming out at my age where I have a career and its more difficult to make friends. I could bump into a friend or co-worker in one of those clubs, I know some have been before. It may be a non-issue with most of them, but its not something I want to risk.

1ZRed wrote: »

It is because I don't think you're perusing them and taking a chance. No I don't have magical gaydar, just the regular one that I've developed over the last while. It's more the mixture and being one of the guys to them, being very subtle and flirty but there's a definite eye contact thing that happens that you don't see in straight guys. I have a post buried somewhere here that explains what I'm on about and I'll update it when I find it.
But yeah, it's a mixture and testing the waters, being confidant, reading the signs and being so subtle it's unnoticeable if you fail or so that you don't spook him.

Well it's easy when you're confident. But I'm not confident. I still can't imagine going up to a random guy who is out with his mates and trying to chat him up, even if I knew he was gay.

1ZRed wrote: »

Man you're not a closet teenager. It's time to grow a pair and see what things are actually like. It's more than time enough you've done it.

Look, you are just a kid. You haven't even begun to experience the real world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Actions have consequences and not all are positive.

ongarboy wrote: »

There is a Wet'n'Wild activity club that loads of guys of all backgrounds/interests/personalities take part in a variety of sports/activities such as hiking, canoeing, windsurfing, tag rugby etc. I'm a friend of one of the organisers of this club and he has told me a fair few guys have hooked up through Wet'n'Wild but more importantly, they have made lots of friends through it. I was with him one night in the Front Lounge and couldn't get over all the guys from Wet'n'Wild that came up to him to chat (a good few hotties too btw!!). There are options out there but you have to be proactive, think positive (no more woe is me) and get out there for something to happen!

That actually sounds like an interesting club. Something I could see myself getting involved with. Do you have any more details on it? Thanks.

ongarboy

eaglach wrote: »

That actually sounds like an interesting club. Something I could see myself getting involved with. Do you have any more details on it? Thanks.

http://wetandwildsports.com/

floggg

OP I wont put it as bluntly or crudely as to say grow a pair, but I do think you won't ever see much returns unless you put some effort in yourself.

You have a perception of gay bars as full of camp guys so don't go? So rather than give it a chance you'll make an uneducated prejudgment and exclude yourself from a big part of the scene on what is very much a misconception. Gay bars are full of masculine guys who are into sports and random types of music. Like any other bar, its a mixed bag with people of all sorts and types.

If you aren't willing to try and challenge your perceptions and get out and put the effort in to meet people you can't really complain if you don't see results.

Even aside from the bars though there are tonnes of other offline ways to meet people. Wet and Wild has been mentioned, as had the rugby team (Emeralds). There's also the front runners running club and the Dublin devils soccer team and countless others. I play with the devils and you couldn't meet a more welcoming bunch.

That's not to say I don't understand how hard it can be to take those first steps and get involved in these things - especially if your not out. But eventually you have to make a choice - do you keep going as you are and cut yourself off from opportunities from meeting guys, whether from preconceptions, fear of being outed or otherwise, or do you put yourself out there and take a few chances and get to know people?

People rarely regret the latter option.

(I came out at your age, made all these difficult first steps, hated it at first but have now never been happier. Family, friends and career are all the better for it, and if they weren't they wouldn't be worth it).

P.S. - pulling in straight bars is all about eye contact. Straight guys tend not to make it so much!

Aurongroove

I feel your frustration, but not partaking is no excuse: go to gay sports events, join a cycling team or a running team, go to bear social nights, keep searching online but by searching I don't mean browsing profiles, send IMs, have conversations. Go to gay bars in the evenings when you can still hear yourself talk and actually introduce yourself to people.
how often do you go out?

I try at least once a fortnight.

I'm the last person in the world that belongs in a late bar, I detest chart music, I never dance, I don't drink heavily, I'm not good looking nor do I dress to impress. My best shot at impressing people is in conversation, which in late club/pubs is reduced to shouting into someones ear several times until they've caught your sentence and vice versa. but I still get out and play the hand I've been dealt and that takes gigantic balls and a positive attitude.

I'm only out a few months (I'm 27) and I've already been on several dates with guys none of whom were camp in the slightest. some of the nights out I've had have been pure miserable and disheartening, but some have been really, really worthwhile.

Davyhal

Dude, it is like you just described me, and I know exactly how you feel cos I felt that way for years too. But eventually I have made some mates who are in the same boat as me (and you by the sounds of it), and have had ex-boyfriends who were into the same things as I was, someone who I was able to head to gigs with and play resi with etc. But, I did not make these mates through the gay scene, or gaydar, or grindr or any of those, just met them through mates. So I have given up on gaydar etc, and just stick with my mates, and see who comes along now that i know that there are guys like me out there

stooodent

ongarboy wrote: »

http://wetandwildsports.com/

tehehehe wet and wild I wont lie to you ya the site was a disappointment for me the web address is awfully misleading :pac:........

filmbuffboy

eaglach wrote: »

I have for a long time been browsing websites like gaydar and manhunt, looking for guys for possibly a relationship. Friendship at the least. But I just can't find any guys that interest me.

I get the feeling I'm on my own in this whole gay community. I feel like I don't fit in. I am a "straight-acting" guy and really only interested in other non-camp guys. Thats not too strange is it?

Then I look to see if I have anything in common. Problem is that I never do. Ever. I'm into rock and metal music. No gay guys I talk to are ever into this kind of music. I like video games. Same story. Films and TV? I could go on like this with lots of things.

Am I being too picky? I am new to this whole gay thing, and relationships, but isn't having things in common pretty important?

It's bad enough being limited to the small number of gay/bi guys in this world to choose from, but then trying to find one that shares my interests? Impossible.

It seems like a lost cause and I'm forever destined to be alone.

why do you need to find a guy with the same interests?

both my serious past boyfriends couldnt have been more different from me if they had tried.

thats part of what makes relationships interesting.

rather than narrowing your criteria on who to be interested in based on interests and hobbies, widen the field a bit and be willing to give a person a chance....

i honestly think so many gay men out there are single cause they are too picky.