Limericks

Bootup

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.



Nick the prick had a forty foot. dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.


A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"



An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

locum-motion

FYP.

Bootup wrote: »

There once were two ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop--while he was confirming 'em!





Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!



But that didn't bother those two.
Said they, as the bishop withdrew:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Bootup

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.



There once was a bishop from Clyde
Who fell in the privy and died
His brother the vicar
did also but quicker
and now they're interred side by side.



The old archeologist Trostle,
Found a most wonderous fossil.
He declared-by the way it did bend
and the knob on the end
twas the penis of Paul the Apostle.

Bootup

There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!



From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!"
Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."



The once was a woman named Louise.
Who's c*nt hairs hung down to her knees
The crabs in her tw*t
Would tie them in knots
And make a flying trapeze.

Bootup

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux.



She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."




So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"



They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

Johnny.G

Bootup wrote: »

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux.



She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."




So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"



They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

I need to show this to my english teacher. This is just gold keep up the great limericks.

Bootup

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."






It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."



There once was a young lady from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass.
It wasn't pretty and pink,
as you'd probably think.
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.








There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin

rolliepoley

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now everyday she goes to school
with it between to lumps of bread.:eek:

Bootup

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

~~~~~

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame--
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

~~~~~

There once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate

Bootup

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high
and dropped his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's The Beef?"


From England there was an old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke
He pulled down her pants
Fuc*ed her into a trance
And then sh*t in her shoe as a joke.


There once was a lady from France
who took a long train ride by chance
the engineer Fuc*ed her,
before the conductor
and the fireman came in his pants.

Ellis Dee

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
said: "sure as hell, there is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
and a sheep is divine,
but a llama is numero uno!

There once was a les from Khartoum
who took a queer up to her room.
They argued all night
about who had the right
to do what, when and to whom.

There was a young man from Kent
whose cock in the middle was bent.
To save all the trouble.
he rammed it in double
and instead of coming he went.:)

Bootup

There was an old man from Roupe
who had lost all control of his poop.
One night at supper
his wife said, "Now Tupper,
stop making that noise with your soup!"




"I have found," sighed a hooker named Hickel,
"That Chinese John's are kinky and fickle.
They screw me...then beat me...
And hungrily eat me --
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle!"





Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russo
Told his bride, "My beloved, your trousseau
Is virginal white,
But it hardly seems right
That a virgin should know how to screw so!"

Bootup

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"



When the Arts Ball was over, Miss Kahn
(Who's a nympho) was wilted and wan.
She'd attended, you see,
As a walking TV,
And the guys all kept turning her on!




A hot little night nurse named Hearst
Got off with a bratwurst at first;
But her pleasure now lies
In a non-deli guise
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.

Bootup

There once was a stranger to Leeds,
Who ate a whole packet of seeds,
Within the next hour,
His dick was a flower,
And his balls were all covered in weeds.


There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
He'd get an erection
And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini.


There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to fu*k
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could.


There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

Bootup

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.





So Dick was the toast of the town;
There was nothing too good for that clown,
And the wives all came flocking
To the acrobat's cocking,
While the husbands deplored his renown.







And then came the best part of all:
That number would bring down the hall;
For his tour-de-force trick
Was to straddle his prick,
And wheel out of sight on one ball!

Bootup

There was a young man named Macgruder,
Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
She thought it lewd,
To be woo'ed in the nude,
But Macgruder was shrewder and screwed her.

~~~~~

Her thighs were all covered with cream,
Her breasts with sweet honey a-gleam...
But too good to be true
This sex cordon bleu,
He awoke with two spurts from his dream.

~~~~~

They say that the way to mens hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there
But too much will give him the farts

donegal_man

One for the Trek fans

Sarek and Amanda were dating
Amanda was patiently waiting
For signs of romance
Soft words, a slow dance
But she got an efficiency rating

Bootup

There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille



I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
She's as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea -
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"



There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

Bootup

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"



There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her.



To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."



There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Bootup

There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.

~~~~~

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.

~~~~~

His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead;
He ends by just screwing her silly.

Bootup

There once was a man from Madrass
Who’s balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass!




There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin.




The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
‘Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

Bootup

Roger went walking and needed to pee,
So he ducked behind a very big tree.
Unfortunately,
He sprayed on a bee
So it stung the source of his progeny


Fair Jane was nearby and she heard his squeal,
So she ran over to see the big deal,
Now though Jane was genteel,
What she saw did appeal -
Roger was writhing with a great eel of steel.



She pulled down her drawers and then got astride,
Took his stiff poker and slid it inside,
Then started to ride,
And sighed as she plied,
Until she climaxed and moaned like a bride.



As Roger kept writhing slowly in Jane
She said, "You were almost going insane,
If you need to obtain,
More relief from your pain,
We'll have to do that again and again!"

Bootup

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper,
You careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"



There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of the rubber was torn.

Bootup

"There once was a man named Ray,
Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick,
Turned the clay into brick,
And tore all his foreskin away!"




There once was a man named Chang,
Who had an incredible wang.
He was talented too.
For all night he could screw.
And the girls his praises all sang.





"There was an old woman from Leith,
Who would circumcise men with her teeth,
It wasn`t for fame,
Or love of the game,
But to get at the cheese underneath."

Bootup

[FONT=georgia,serif]Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,[/FONT]
[FONT=georgia,serif]Little Bo Peep was giving him head,[/FONT]
[FONT=georgia,serif]As soon as he came [/FONT]
[FONT=georgia,serif]she started to weep,[/FONT]
[FONT=georgia,serif]She knew by the taste he'd been screwin' her sheep.[/FONT]


There once was a young man named Sean,
Whose wish came from a sly leprechaun,
To be surrounded by dough,
Was what he wanted, so,
In six months he was born as a fawn.