Limericks

Bootup

There once was a man from Caldare
Who was f*cking this chick on the stair
the banister broke,
he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air.





There once was a man from Saskatoon
who took a ride in a hot-air balloon
he ****ed all the stars
from Venus to Mars
and corn-holed the man in the Moon




There once was a queen from Bulgariar
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru
came up for a screw
and had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.

Johnny.G

There was once a man from shankhill,
Who took to the hydrogen pill,
His mechanical organ was found in Skillorgan,
And his balls in a bush in brazil.

Bootup

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree
Said she "Move your whopper,
you careless limb lopper,
"That's a moss-covered knot-hole, NOT ME!"




The Pious Mahatma Gandhi
Awoke one morn with a dandy
He exclaimed to an aide,
Go get me a maid
Or a goat, or anything handy

Bootup

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."


There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Sa id the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

Bootup

There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a ****
But think of the money I save."




There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.







There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

Bootup

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife **** the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.


~~~~~

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

~~~~~

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

Bootup

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."




A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.

Bootup

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."




There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.




There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter’s paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

Bootup

A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.




There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!



There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.





There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Bootup

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."




There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

Bootup

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."


A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

Johnny.G

Hi there,

I know this is slightly off topic but I wish to extend my gratitude these limericks make my day.Thank you bootup.

Bootup

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

~~~~~

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

Bootup

There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "****!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."




There was a young man of Pitlochery
Whose morals were simply a mockery,
For under his bed
He'd a woman, instead
Of the usual item of crockery.

Bootup

There once were three ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop -- while he was confirming 'em!


Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!


Then a woman who was in the third pew
said something that made the biship turn blue:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Bootup

Some Halloween Limericks





A witch and a warlock had sex
she went to the doc for some checks
the doc said "Oh dear,
it is herpes, I fear"
and she mixed up a hell of a hex!



It must have been midnight or more
yet there was a knock on my door
now, it's far too darn late
to play trick or treat, mate
but a cute blonde stood there - dial-a-whore.

Bootup

Said Miguel to the gringo, "Senor,
Eef I open thees here closet door,
An' dee lady eenside,
Ees my leetle lost bride,
Then I theenk I mus' shoot you some more."




There once was a hermit named Dave
Who Kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like ****
But think of the money he saved.


There was a young man of Pitlochery
Whose morals were simply a mockery,
For under his bed
He'd a woman, instead
Of the usual item of crockery.

Bootup

Tho the youthfull and lusty Miss Bount
Had struggled her fullest amount
Against Dracula's might
At the end of her fight
I hear she went down for the Count

Bootup

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than this



On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.



There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid -
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.

Bootup

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air


A young escape artist by the name of Sweeny.
His girl was a bit of a meany.
At the hatch of her snach.
She had a catch that would latch.
And she could only be ****ed by Houdini.

Bootup

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas! She was not on the pill.



Nick the prick had a forty foot. dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.


A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"



An ancient Rabbi from Peru,
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw,
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

locum-motion

FYP.

Bootup wrote: »

There once were two ladies of Birmingham.
Have you heard of the scandal concerning 'em?
They lifted the frock
and played with the cock
of the bishop--while he was confirming 'em!





Now the biship was nobody's fool.
(He was raised in a good public school!)
So he lowered his britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool!



But that didn't bother those two.
Said they, as the bishop withdrew:
"The vicar is quicker
and slicker and thicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

Bootup

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.



There once was a bishop from Clyde
Who fell in the privy and died
His brother the vicar
did also but quicker
and now they're interred side by side.



The old archeologist Trostle,
Found a most wonderous fossil.
He declared-by the way it did bend
and the knob on the end
twas the penis of Paul the Apostle.

Bootup

There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!



From a crypt in the church of St. Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles!!
"My goodness gracious!"
Said brother Ignatius.
"I forgot that your lordship has piles."



The once was a woman named Louise.
Who's c*nt hairs hung down to her knees
The crabs in her tw*t
Would tie them in knots
And make a flying trapeze.

Bootup

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux.



She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."




So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"



They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

Johnny.G

Bootup wrote: »

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux.



She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."




So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"



They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

I need to show this to my english teacher. This is just gold keep up the great limericks.

Bootup

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."






It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."



There once was a young lady from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass.
It wasn't pretty and pink,
as you'd probably think.
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.








There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin

rolliepoley

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now everyday she goes to school
with it between to lumps of bread.:eek:

Bootup

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

~~~~~

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame--
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

~~~~~

There once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate

Bootup

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high
and dropped his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's The Beef?"


From England there was an old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke
He pulled down her pants
Fuc*ed her into a trance
And then sh*t in her shoe as a joke.


There once was a lady from France
who took a long train ride by chance
the engineer Fuc*ed her,
before the conductor
and the fireman came in his pants.