Personal question about daughter

zipcode

Recently a work colleague (30+ years in same company) asked me if my 15 year old daughter was on the pill.
I was completely taken aback by this question. I do not know how to handle this.
Part of me is upset, part angry. But i cannot let this continue to burn me.

Any sensible advise or suggestions welcome.

To clarify, my daughter is not sexually active and while good looking is neither very innocent or brash.

I am pie

zipcode wrote: »

Recently a work colleague (30+ years in same company) asked me if my 15 year old daughter was on the pill.
I was completely taken aback by this question. I do not know how to handle this.
Part of me is upset, part angry. But i cannot let this continue to burn me.

Any sensible advise or suggestions welcome.

To clarify, my daughter is not sexually active and while good looking is neither very innocent or brash.

If you have a cordial relationship with them, explain to them how it made you feel and that you will report them to HR next time they make inappropriate references to your daughter. Ask them why they thought it would be OK to mention this ?

If you are not close or friendly, register a complaint with HR.

mikom

zipcode wrote: »

To clarify, my daughter is not sexually active and while good looking is neither very innocent or brash.

What's "good looking" got to do with it?

zipcode

I appreciate that "Good looking" should have nothing to do with the issue, but it is a component in the issue.

Is this someone who at 60 years has a problem with my daughter or with other 15--- year olds?

mikom

zipcode wrote: »

I appreciate that "Good looking" should have nothing to do with the issue, but it is a component in the issue.

When I was in secondary school there was about a 50/50 split of teenage pregnancies between girls I considered good looking and girls I would not look twice at.

zipcode wrote: »

Is this someone who at 60 years has a problem with my daughter or with other 15--- year olds?

Hard to judge from one line of text....

zipcode wrote: »

Recently a work colleague (30+ years in same company) asked me if my 15 year old daughter was on the pill.

BuffyBot

Without any context it's a little hard to judge what's going on..

zipcode

BuffyBot wrote: »

Without any context it's a little hard to judge what's going on..

The context if I understand what you mean is:
This person and I work in the same company. Both former directors / shareholders who sold out and continue in the business. It is normal that our children would get a few hours business / industrial experience during school summer holidays.
My daughter worked for a few days and went back to school. A week or so later this question came out of the blue. I did not answer. Since then the other person has not ask "how are things" or " what did ye do for the week-end" as would be the norm before the pill question.
With passing of time I want to sort this out but am unsure about what to or how to.
This is a small company, 30 or so people and there is no such thing as HR. anyone who survived in this size business since 2008 understands that.

FloatingVoter

Maybe concerned about his own kid...(may have discovered she's on it) ?

zipcode

FloatingVoter wrote: »

Maybe concerned about his own kid...(may have discovered she's on it) ?

I do not think that is the reason.

afatbollix

Do you think that he wants to hit on your daughter if he knows she is on the pill?

juan.kerr

Perhaps he overheard a phone call or saw some text message on her phone or facebook content and is trying to drop a hint that he believes your daughter may be sexually active.

zipcode

juan.kerr wrote: »

Perhaps he overheard a phone call or saw some text message on her phone or facebook content and is trying to drop a hint that he believes your daughter may be sexually active.

I don't think he heard any phone conversations or read text messages. He is not computer literate. He has no reason to believe or consider her to be sexually active. He has a daughter six months older than mine.
He does have a habit of dirty jokes and suggestions.

My initial post was to get opinion as to how I should deal with this but I think the thread is drifting away from that focus.

Irish_Elect_Eng

I think that you my be reading too much into this question.

As a long-time colleague, he may have felt comfortable bringing up this topic. And there are many simple reasons why he may have done so related to his own daughter or other young female in his family. Perhaps his own daughter had gone on the pill, or he was considering speaking to his daughter about contraception. He may have wanted to discuss this with you to "calibrate" with someone whose opinion he trusts.

I am not surprised that your interactions have changes as I am sure that he would have picked up how uncomfortable this question made you. You are both adults with a longstanding relationship. Ask him why he brought it up and clear the air.

Mrs OBumble

Without context it's very difficult to tell whether the question was creepy or not. I certainly don't think that it necessarily is - would assume it's more like that he's seen or heard something about your daughter which makes him think she should be in it.

But you were there, and your instinct that something is amiss with the question should not be ignored.

If you think that he has the hots for her ... well by now you should have her well educated about how to avoid getting into unsafe situations. Just to be sure, make sure she doesn't come around work any more. (And don't assume that she's not sexually active: that could change at any minute, even though she's under-age, and you won't necessarily know about it.)

If he is "preying" on teenage girls in general, then I'd doubt he would be advertising the fact to their parents unless he's particularly inept. If you do see any indicators of illegal behaviour, report them to the guards. But remember having sexual thoughts about people, including minors, isn't illegal - acting on those them sometimes is.

Other than that, I don't see that there's anything that you can do: it's likely that many of your work colleagues have aspects of their personality that you don't like, he's just been added to the list.

CommanderC

zipcode wrote: »

I don't think he heard any phone conversations or read text messages. He is not computer literate. He has no reason to believe or consider her to be sexually active. He has a daughter six months older than mine.
He does have a habit of dirty jokes and suggestions.

My initial post was to get opinion as to how I should deal with this but I think the thread is drifting away from that focus.

He may have been looking for advice or your opinion on the matter as he has a daughter of similar age. At 15/16 a teenage will be thinking about sex. They may not engage in the act until they are older but it is definitely something to be aware of.

CommanderC

zipcode wrote: »

I do not think that is the reason.

It seems you have something in mind about what this all about.....

zipcode

Power?

Shelflife

If someone who has a daughter the same age as mine asked me a question like that I would have asked them to clarify what they were talking about.

To me it sounds as if he wanted to talk about teenage daughters and how to avoid the madness that goes with them.

It may have seemed abstract and out of the blue, but maybe its something that him and his wife have been worrying about for a while and he maybe just didnt word it or bring it up properly.

If its anything else then its out of order, if its the above and you dont want to discuss that type of topic with him just tell him.

personally id ask him in a calm way what he ment by it and clear the air.

discus

zipcode wrote: »

Power?

I reaaaally think you have the wrong end of the stick, and you're assuming the worst. He has obviously made a mistake in what he said to you, granted. He should pick his conversation starters a bit better. I highly doubt that he was trying to wind you up or get a stir out of you.

jos28

I think I would start by having a chat with your daughter and ask her if anything happened that made her feel uncomfortable or embarrassed while she was doing her work experience. If all is ok there, then I would tell your work colleague how you felt about his questioning. If it was a genuine attempt to discuss concerns about teenagers, just accept it as that but make it clear that there are better ways to approach the subject. If, on the other hand he had a different agenda then you will have to base your decision on how serious you deem this to be. If he has been engaging in 'dirty jokes and suggestions', it is up to you to warn him that this sort of behaviour may have been acceptable years ago but is not acceptable in the modern workplace and may get him into serious trouble. If his actions have been more serious, you have no option to report him to the necessary authorities.

JuliusCaesar

Why not just tell him that you think this was a highly inappropriate question, and what made him ask it? Then you can sort it out and get on with working together.

[Jackass]

So, to put this in context, the question that came out of the blue was along the lines of you sitting eating your lunch and he lurches over and says "Is your daughter on the pill?", or you were talking about the olympics and the gymnasts and after a brief silence he asks "is your daughter on the pill?".. or were you talking about your family or daughters and then the question came up...

Context is crucial.

If you were talking about your daughters or whatever, maybe there is something bothering him and he was going to confide in you and you completely got the wrong end of the stick... maybe he found a prescription at home for his daughter being on the pill, and he wanted to know if that's normal or does it mean she is sexually active (you give the impression he's older), I assume females take the pill for reasons other than contraception, particularly in teenagers (I think )

If it was a female who said it to you, would you have reacted the same? Has he ever given the impression that he may be interested in your daughter, such as spending excessive time chit chatting with her, or chit chatting with her when he normally wouldn't mingle and chit chat, or ask about her all the time....

I don't know, I could be wrong, but I feel like you may have taken this comment completely the wrong way, perhaps because it was so unexpected and it shocked you that you immediately went on the defensive...

My suggestion would be that if you can't let this lay and it is really bothering you, get a quite moment in work and just say to him "Jim (or whatever his name is), there's something that has been bothering me as I can't understand why it came up, but remember when we were talking before and you asked me if my daughter was on the pill? Why was that? I just can't figure out what that was about and it's been bugging me..." and see what he says...

By his reaction it should clear things up one way or another, there may be a very innocent explanation that would clear it up, such as something to do with his daughter, or he may fumble and act nervously, and then you'll know to send her to Zara for work next summer...

I also agree that if you think something is up after you ask him, you should talk to your daughter and ask her if he was ever creepy or whatever.

What I WOULDN'T DO is to go on the offensive or to escolate the issue before you give a reasonable effort to see if this was just a simple break down in communications...

zipcode

zipcode wrote: »

He has a daughter six months older than mine.

It's highly likely this is to do with his daughter. If he's an older father, he may feel out of his depth with stuff like this that is usually relatively openly talked about these days. If your problem is this question alone, I'd say I think you're over-reacting. You could just say that it's your daughter's business and you're not comfortable sharing her personal information.

I'd advise you do nothing about the comment. However, if you feel the question was a result of an ongoing attitude of his that you don't like, you should calmly confront him about it.

tony81

It sounds like the two of you go way back and the question could have been asked in any informal setting.

Next time you see the person that asked it, just say "can i have a word. I just want to clear the air, I was taken back when you asked whether my daughter was on the pill. It wasn't an appropriate question."
Expect an apology... then say "apology accepted, it's water under the bridge"

If however the person deliberately asked the question to wind you up, well that's another problem entirely.