Accused of bullying for not being her friend

LegacyUser

A new girl started in my workplace about 3 months ago.

I had tried to get along with her; discussing weekend plans, chatting clothes, getting on fine for a month.

Then, out of the blue, she went behind my back to my supervisor and complained about my work ethic and my dealings with others. My manager took me aside and said that they didn't agree with the comments but they were obliged to make me aware of the situation in case of future complaints.

Fair enough, I took it on the chin but basically ignored this girl unless it was work related. Stopped all friendliness and blanked her at work unless it was work related. I wasn't been hostile with her, but I wasn't friendly with her either.

I would be known as quite outgoing at work, great to chat to, have a laugh with and always willing to help out if necessary.

Two months on from the initial complaint and now apparently she has complained that I am bullying her because I am not including her in after-work drinks, lunch plans or getting chit chats at work. If she tries to join a conversation, I'll leave it but never had I said anything negative about her to anyone nor do I expect anyone not to talk to her.

Am I right in thinking she doesn't really have a case? My boss again took me aside and said she doesn't agree with the complaints but its procedure.

Wanderer2010

Wow, this is a tricky one. Perhaps, when you heard she made a complaint about your work ethics, you could have took her aside and asked her why she felt the need to do that, where was her complaint coming from etc and that puts the onus on her to explain her actions (I can only presume that you have a good work ethic, but ask yourself is there any truth to her accusations?).

Have a long look in the mirror. If you can say that the accusations were completely false, then you are right to just keep it neutral with her as it was a spiteful thing to do. If you do have problems dealing with customers etc then maybe she was just making a quiet complaint and is now annoyed that everyone knows about it, hence why she is feeling bad about being left out etc.

This really depends on how you are treating her, OP. If, as you say, you are remaining preofessional with her then she hasnt a leg to stand on regarding the bullying because not being asked for drinks etc is not really bullying (fine line though) and her evidence will be weak. However, if you are being nasty like laughing with all the workmates and pointedly ignoring her or asking everyone really loudly for a few drinks after work but ignoring her then thats a bit cruel. It all depends on the context, OP. Are you male or female, just out of interest?

JoeGil

You should continue to deal with your colleague in a neutral fashion just like you are currently doing.

You are unfortunate that your company has employed such a person and the fact the she has caused so much trouble within three months - a period when any normal person would be trying to prove their value to the company -shows the meanspirited character of the person you are confronted with.

Unfortunately for you she has got in first (twice) and has turned you into the wrongdoer. However you still need to carry on as you are at the moment. If you go back to being freindly she will complain about your work ethic again. In fact no matter what you do it is likely she will continue to harass.

From what you posted you seem to be in your present position for quiet a while. In that case you should have strong contacts with supervisors (your own and others) as well as with your work colleagues. You should discuss the situation with them, ask them if they have noticed anything that is incorrect or needs to be changed, check what support you have from them and build a case for your own defence in the background.

Forest Demon

As a Manager I had the exact same issue with a new employee accusing an existing member of staff of bullying. The accused member of staff did not like the new person but was professional in their dealings with the the new person. The accused member of staff did not do anything wrong.

I spoke to the whole department individually about making an effort and including new members of staff more and considering how difficult it can be to slot in so as not to single anyone out but to address the concern. The new person continued to have issues with other people who I knew to be of impeccable attitude and character and who had previously never had any issues over a period of years. It was clear that the new person was the one with the problems (paranoia issues) and they did not make it past their trial period even after some help to address the issues. Bullying is to be taken seriously but the accuser has to offer some specific examples to tackle it.

Your manager has a responsibility to breakdown the accusation into facts that can be addressed. It should not get to a stage when it is brought to your attention in any sort of an official capacity based on a wishy washy opinion. If your supervisor is agreeing with you in person then get them to record that fact. These verbal reassurances won't be worth much if the issue progresses.

It is important that you get it recorded that you completely dispute these accusations when your supervisor speaks to you about it and this is recorded.

It is not acceptable to be repeatedly accused without cause. If your supervisor brings a particular accusation to your attention then your response should also be recorded. The accusation and response should be held in equal merit and it should not tarnish your record.

The problem with this sort of thing is if somebody else makes a similar accusation (somebody who is friendly with the other party for instance) then it can become an issue. I would try and rise above it and be on the friendly side of neutral. This will reveal pettiness for what it is.

You should also reflect on your side of things and see if there are any areas you can improve your attitude. None of us are perfect.

Best of luck

the groutch

bullyorvictim? wrote: »

Two months on from the initial complaint and now apparently she has complained that I am bullying her because I am not including her in after-work drinks, lunch plans or getting chit chats at work. If she tries to join a conversation, I'll leave it but never had I said anything negative about her to anyone nor do I expect anyone not to talk to her.

Am I right in thinking she doesn't really have a case?

she has no case.

tatli_lokma

bullyorvictim? wrote: »

Stopped all friendliness and blanked her at work unless it was work related. I wasn't been hostile with her, but I wasn't friendly with her either.

I would be known as quite outgoing at work, great to chat to, have a laugh with and always willing to help out if necessary.

If she tries to join a conversation, I'll leave it but never had I said anything negative about her to anyone nor do I expect anyone not to talk to her.

OP, I think this girl has a persecution complex, but I als think you are making it easy for her. Just look at your own choice of language - if indeed you are 'blanking' her then, yes, someone might say this creats a hostile work environment. Being polite and civil and only discussing work matters is different from 'blanking' someone unless its work related.

Do you make it obvious that you are leaving conversations? you mention that you are chatty and get on great with everyone else - so by your leaving a conversation you are sending a not too subtle message to her, and yes, it could be seen as bullying. Personally I think this girl needs to learn to lie in the bed she made and I don't blame you, but I just want to point out that excluding someone (even if you feel it is justified) could be seen as bullying behaviour.

When you leave these conversations, do others follow? does the conversation then die as a result? if so that is pretty unpleasent in fairness.

As I said, there is a difference between
-passing yourself with someone, basic manners, hello good morning, and only work talk, politely removing yourself form a conversation when a particular person joins it
and
- 'blanking' somone, ending conversations when they arrive etc, by your actions encouraging others to also exclude this person etc

If you do the second, then yes it is a form of bullying - you are using your established links and relationships in work to exclude the girl in question. Perhaps her getting in on conversations is her way of trying to build bridges - but you won't let her. Maybe not, and maybe she's just a nasty bitch, but it could be seen as you not giving her a chance. You said you got on well with her before, so it could look like you are holding a grudge towards her for criticising your work.

You need to tread very very very carefully here OP - on the surface it does not seem that she has a case, but it is all subjective and all it takes is for you to put a foot wrong and you will be giving her evidence of your excluding and alienating behaviour. Watch your back on this one or you could end up in hot water.

I would recommend that you ask for some form of mediation with her and HR - get it out in the open, be seen as wanting to clear the air, get rid of the bad feeling and move on. Be proactive, be seen to be the one who wants to improve the situation - that is your best protection against these claims. And if you do have mediation, and 'clear the air' don't be seen to hold a grudge, don't 'blank' her etc - speak to her in a polite way in the same way you would anyone, don't give her any ammunition to fire at you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far!

Just to clarify, I am female. I think it's important as I do believe women can be more bitchy than men - although I don't believe I have been to her.

I understand why some think that I have been because what I have been doing isn't nice but I've been doing it so that she doesn't have anything to use against me again. I'm afraid that if I talk to her, something I say will be used against me. I honestly feel damned if I do and now, damned if I don't. That's why I restrict all communication to work-related issues.

I have reassessed my behaviour and my conduct in work to see if maybe I'm doing something to warrant her complaint but the only specific thing she complained (that was relayed to me anyway) about was actually something that has earned me high praise in the past.

I know I should treat her like everyone else but I really am worried about what I say to her now.

I like the idea of a mediation meeting with HR. I've never had one of them - what does it involve? Can you bring everything out on the table? Can anything said in it be used against me in future?

I'd love to ask her what exactly of my behavior she has issues with and what exactly made her think this way.

tony81

Hi op.
You might like the idea of a mediation meeting with HR. I don't think it's such a good idea because it suggests you are part of the problem (when clearly it is your co-worker with the problem), and you may incriminate yourself e.g. "i stopped being friendly to her because she reported me"

You should request from your manager a copy of whatever emails she filed with HR, as well as a copy of the report written up by HR, in order for you to make a written response.

For example, you've twice said your manager did not agree with this girl's complaints. Has your manager stated this to HR?

Your co-worker says you are excluding her from after-work drinks. if you're being accused of bullying, are HR aware that this is the main reason? I.e. you are spending your FREE TIME with co-workers you consider your personal friends.

As for how to act towards this woman. If you need to deal with her, first thing in the week just say "I hope you had a good weekend (?)" (if she says "yes"), and the last thing is "have a nice weekend". Small talk is painful but it's a good way to appear friendly and professional while minding your own business.

It is a tricky situation but unfortunately HR see you both as part of the problem.

tatli_lokma

tony81 wrote: »

Hi op.
You might like the idea of a mediation meeting with HR. I don't think it's such a good idea because it suggests you are part of the problem (when clearly it is your co-worker with the problem), and you may incriminate yourself e.g. "i stopped being friendly to her because she reported me"

I disagree...OP has acknowledged that possibly her behaviour of late has caused the issue to get bigger than it should be. From the language used, I think it is fairly obvious that OP feels betrayed by this girl and very upset by the accusation of not working to her potential. Understandably, this has resulted in her holding a grudge of sorts. While she is right to cool things with the other girl, blanking anyone in work is not professional behaviour.

If handled and approached in the right way, mediation could show the OP to be the bigger person here. At the end of the day, it takes two to tango, and OP has displayed some behaviour which could be interpreted as alienation or bullying. By mediating the issue, OP will have the opportunity to present herself in a positive manner, showing that rather than intentionally alienate the other girl, she simply wishes to avoid confrontation. This then puts the ball back in the other girls court.

I agree with you about the small talk - you don't have to be overly friendly, in fact you don't even have to care what the answer is when you ask 'did you have a nice weekend' but by asking you are negating any claims this girl might have about you being hostile to her.

Personally I think OP's manager is handling things very badly - given the issue is between two co-workers, they should not be so openly taking sides on this. If indeed they do feel that the other girl is making accusations without foundation, then they should be tackling this head on and trying to get all three of you to have a sit down and clear the air. The manager is only adding fuel to the fire, because as long as he/she tells OP that in effect they are 'on her side' then they are encouraging this to continue by allowing OP to feel justified in her behaviour. And I'm sorry OP, as you know I do sympathise, but I think blanking people and some of the behaviour you have expressed is quite unprofessional. But I feel perhaps this has continued because you feel your manager is on your side. If this other girl feels the same, both you and your manager could be accused of ganging up on her.

Gmol

I think your Manager seems to be handling this very badly on the face of it, but I wonder will that person be let go at the end of their probation period,

krd

Forest Demon wrote: »

As a Manager I had the exact same issue with a new employee accusing an existing member of staff of bullying. The accused member of staff did not like the new person but was professional in their dealings with the the new person. The accused member of staff did not do anything wrong.

Bullying is a tricky issue. Some bullies will actually play the victim card. So sometimes it can be very hard to tell who is actually doing the bullying.

And remember, people can be very sneaky. There could be a gang or a clique who've got together, and have a plan to bag all the promotions and drive out anyone outside the clique.

gozunda

krd wrote: »

Bullying is a tricky issue. Some bullies will actually play the victim card. So sometimes it can be very hard to tell who is actually doing the bullying....

Ok somewhat off track and btw is not directed at the op, but relative to the quote above, some research has identified a link between specific individuals that achieve positions of power and sociopathy. They may come across as nice, charming and effect a sympathetic persona but are in effect masking their real behaviour towards colleagues especially where they have a position of power over subordinates, effectively leading to an abuse of their power and position. If outed they may attempt to play the victim despite repetitive bullying type behaviour.

krd

gozunda wrote: »

Ok somewhat off track and btw is not directed at the op, but relative to the quote above, some research has identified a link between specific individuals that achieve positions of power and sociopathy.


They may come across as nice, charming and effect a sympathetic persona but are in effect masking their real behaviour towards colleagues especially where they have a position of power over subordinates, effectively leading to an abuse of their power and position.


If outed they may attempt to play the victim despite repetitive bullying type behaviour.

I have few books on psychopaths. I believe I once had a boss who was/is a psychopath. But a hallmark of a psychopath is glibness and superficial charm. He was a terrible manager and virtually single handedly destroyed the company - that was doing really well up to him getting his position. Some people could see through him but most people couldn't.

There are some people though who are not psychopaths, but find it impossible not bully. They bully people at school. And then when they start work they bully people at work.

LegacyUser

I would be very careful here as this woman sounds like she could cause you a lot of problems in work. I would start to keep a note book with all your dealings with this woman.
If she starts to cause any more trouble it will put you in a position to tell them your side of the story.
I would not go to hr as you could be showing them that you have a problem when I think she is the problem.
Every day you go to work be say hello to her, ask her did she have a nice weekend, has she any plans for the weekend ect. Ask her out for drinks some night with a few other people and stay sober. If this woman gets drunk she could say something that you can use against her. Also she can't say after this that you are leaving her out.
Every thing she has said about you should be written down and also the same should be done for you. You should ask your boss to put in writing that they do not agree with what she has she has said as if this goes further you will need this.
I feel that this woman has no case but you still need to be careful with her. If you notice that she has made a mistake I would tell your boss asap.
This lady should know that 3 months after starting a new job she should not be running to her boss telling tales and causing trouble with existing staff.
I would be aware of how you are acting with her - don't stop a conversation or change it when she joins you, ask her out for drinks an odd night ect and do your best to include her.
I would tell one of the other people you work with who you know will keep quite about what has happened to you as they may be able to help you out with her. They may have noticed that you are unhappy at the moment and they may know more about her.

BostonB

bullyorvictim? wrote: »

...My boss again took me aside and said she doesn't agree with the complaints but its procedure.

Seems like a very weak excuse, sounds like the boss is taking her side of it.

The only way to combat this kind of inverse bullying is to really outdo them with your work. Crank it a few notches. Don't be so obvious about ignoring the other person. You've leaving yourself open by doing that. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That doesn't mean you have to be in their pocket. But close enough to be informed what they are up to. You made a mistake in showing you were upset about being reported. You should have been even more friendly to them after that.

Babooshka

fab lady wrote: »

Every day you go to work be say hello to her, ask her did she have a nice weekend, has she any plans for the weekend ect. Ask her out for drinks some night with a few other people and stay sober. If this woman gets drunk she could say something that you can use against her. Also she can't say after this that you are leaving her out.
.

I'm sorry, what? Let someone's petty personality issues with you spill over into your personal life and spend your precious free time with them as well as having to look at them at work every day .... pretty awful advice there. I think you're better to ignore her OP. Smile politely if you pass in a corridor and don't go out of your way to ignore her deliberately, there is a middle ground and a way of doing it without it being aggressive or even passive aggressive. And if it goes any further, you can always complain about her, but I'd write it all down as well just in case. I hate working with certain types of people for this same reason, politics...not being able to tell it like it is, and playing games to try to coerce her into blame is just petty and small minded.