My 4.5 years old is too trusting

Nanazolie

Hi

I have a 4.5 years old daughter who is very sociable and outgoing. Far too much, in fact. Despite my regular warnings, she keeps talking to strangers on the street, and has been going to strangers houses without telling me. We would be playing with the other kids outside on the street, I keep an eye on them, but I also have a 2 years old who loves nothing more than going on the road. And while I dealt with him, she disappeared, following other kids to a house. She did it twice, and while the people (they are the parents of some of the kids) were nice about it, I felt very anxious that she could follow people and go to houses she didn't even know without telling me.
I keep telling her not to follow people, not to talk to strangers, even if I'm not far. To stay with me at all time when we are out shopping. She will tell me she won't do it again, and the next thing I know she is telling all about her life to someone we've just met in the park.

I know child's abduction is relatively rare, and I don't want to scare her too much. But I was growing up near the Belgium border when the unfamous paedophile Dutroux was arrested and that stayed with me for ever. I've explained that people might look nice but they can be pretending, that they can take her away from me, that they can hurt her. Nothing makes any difference. How do I really make her get the message?

Sleepy

Do you punish her when she disobeys your instructions?

Our little fella (6) isn't allowed go into his friends houses without asking first but he was doing it a bit until we started grounding him for a day if he did it. Hasn't done it since.

she a kid , kids tend ot believe anyone

Tombo2001

The neighbours left their front door open a while back and their 3 yr old nephew ran out the door and on down the road.....I thought better go after the kid, rather than ringing the doorbell, what with traffic and so on.

So I pegged on after him and picked him up.

The thing that struck me strongly was, this kid doesnt know me from Adam, and yet there wasnt a peep out of him.....

Anyway, doesnt really relate to your child.....but I suppose children by nature are trusting because they dont know differently. To be honest, we have our front gate locked and they are not out on the street and thats that. And our oldest would be similar in age to yours, and I'd be pretty sure he'd have no difficulty randomly walking into any other house on the street.

Nanazolie

Sleepy wrote: »

Do you punish her when she disobeys your instructions?

Our little fella (6) isn't allowed go into his friends houses without asking first but he was doing it a bit until we started grounding him for a day if he did it. Hasn't done it since.

I do, and she cries a fair bit but will start it again. The other point is that when my eldest is grounded, so is the youngest, because I can't go out with him

Tombo, it's reassuring to know she is not alone. A few friends told me she was still too young but what to do when very young children are usually the easiest preys for the bad people? If she were an only child, I could have my eyes on her all the time when we are out, but as everyone who has several kids will know, trying to keep up with 2 or 3 kids running in different directions is impossible

LadyMayBelle

Try doing the opposite, by which I mean praising her when she stays with you, when she doesnt go wandering in the supermarket etc? Notice it and comment saying things like 'Youre doing such a good job staying near Mummy', and 'Well done, youre staying beside me and the shopping trolley' etc. Rewarding the behaviour you want to see more off; kids thrive off praise.

Ignoring (within reason) the behaviour you dont want to see..at her age, children are coming to grips with control and are by nature (at that developmental stage) self focused and out to please themselves. She won't grasp the seriousness you can grasp.

Worth a shot anyways..if we always do what we've always done, we'll only get what we've always got, as the saying goes!

SerialComplaint

4.5 years is too young to be left unsupervised for any length of time. If you can't keep close tabs on the two of them at the same time, then you just can't bring them both out on the street.

Nanazolie

SerialComplaint wrote: »

4.5 years is too young to be left unsupervised for any length of time. If you can't keep close tabs on the two of them at the same time, then you just can't bring them both out on the street.

But what about the playground? Our local playground is quite large, I really can't leave them indoors all the time. It's easy when one doesn't walk yet and is in the buggy but when both can run in opposite direction, and certainly have different interests and abilities, how would one do that?

SerialComplaint

Nanazolie wrote: »

But what about the playground? Our local playground is quite large, I really can't leave them indoors all the time. It's easy when one doesn't walk yet and is in the buggy but when both can run in opposite direction, and certainly have different interests and abilities, how would one do that?

The playground is enclosed - right? So they're not going to be running off into someone's house.

Daisy M

Why do they need to play on the street do you have a garden? If so let them play there and invite other children to play every so often.

Nanazolie

SerialComplaint wrote: »

The playground is enclosed - right? So they're not going to be running off into someone's house.

The playground is enclosed but there is no gate and I've seen young kids leaving it without their parents

Daisy M, no, I live in an apartment, so no garden for us. And the park is quite far so it's only a weekend outing, the kids go to the creche and play for a while outside with other kids (and I am always outside with them, should I point out) before we have dinner

SerialComplaint

It's great to see kids outside playing, but you need to set boundaries so you can stay in control. Ours were not allowed go past a particular line, within direct sight of the house, until they were a bit older - 6 or 7.

Daisy M

I agree def better to have them outside than plonked in front of the tv.
Your daughter is very young and you are right not to allow her the habbit of going into other peoples homes. Is it possible on the days you ground her that you can bring your son out and let her dad or another adult watch her even if its only for 10 minutes. I think she needs to feel the loss of not been allowed out while her brother can.

Nanazolie

SerialComplaint wrote: »

It's great to see kids outside playing, but you need to set boundaries so you can stay in control. Ours were not allowed go past a particular line, within direct sight of the house, until they were a bit older - 6 or 7.

Which is exactly my problem: I have told her many, many times, not to go beyond this line. And she is careful not to go beyond it. But at times, she forgets because she wants to follow others. It's like talking to strangers, if you ask her, she knows she shouldn't do it. She even once told me off for talking to someone who was looking for a street address. Oooops...
However, when she is caught off guard, she just forgets and will happily chat with anyone.

I'll have indeed to start grounding her and ask my husband to take our son outside. Not always easy as he comes home late but it's worth a try. Or maybe even witholding something like a treat or an outing, it might work.

Thanks for all your advice

Mr Magnolia

I wouldn't allow the child out on the street unsupervised for any length of time. I don't with mine and they're similar ages.

As for the playground, I keep mine on the same activity at the same time and lead what they're doing as opposed to letting them run off in different directions.

Nanazolie

Mr Magnolia wrote: »

I wouldn't allow the child out on the street unsupervised for any length of time. I don't with mine and they're similar ages.

As for the playground, I keep mine on the same activity at the same time and lead what they're doing as opposed to letting them run off in different directions.

And neither would I. I sit with them while they play tea, I play ball with them, etc...
Re the playground, I can't ask a 4 (almost 5) years old to stay near the baby swings or on the baby slide. The youngest can't go on the big kids' activities, and our park is designed so each age group is in the same area, so it's either on one side or the other. I usually stay in the middle where I can keep an eye on both of them

RubyGirl

Nanazolie wrote: »

And neither would I. I sit with them while they play tea, I play ball with them, etc...
Re the playground, I can't ask a 4 (almost 5) years old to stay near the baby swings or on the baby slide. The youngest can't go on the big kids' activities, and our park is designed so each age group is in the same area, so it's either on one side or the other. I usually stay in the middle where I can keep an eye on both of them

Before we go to the playground we decide what we do when we are there, mine are 4 & 6. Your 4 year old shoud still be contented going on the "baby slides" etc still. Before she leaves the apt she should be told the "outside rules" if any rule is broken she gets a warning and if she does it again she should be brought in. Try going out with her for a few turns and leave baby with hubby. I would'nt use the "grounding her" routine with her either. Use "time out" maybe instead, then if the other kids on the street know they might help her when she goes past her boundary. Most house's have time out.

kelle

Nanazolie, is your daughter starting school soon? Once she starts, she will settle down and learn discipline and boundaries. My son was exactly the same at her age (and, like you I had a younger child), but he became a better listener and showed more awareness once he started school.

If it's any consolation, your daughter sounds like a very confident and sociable girl who is not going to have any problem making friends!

Nanazolie

kelle wrote: »

Nanazolie, is your daughter starting school soon? Once she starts, she will settle down and learn discipline and boundaries. My son was exactly the same at her age (and, like you I had a younger child), but he became a better listener and showed more awareness once he started school.

If it's any consolation, your daughter sounds like a very confident and sociable girl who is not going to have any problem making friends!

Yes, she is starting this September. You may well be right. She tells me about things she has learned at the creche and it's amazing what she will remember when she wouldn't listen to the same things I had told her.

Thanks for the reassurance

Daffodil.d

Nanazolie wrote: »

kelle wrote: »

Nanazolie, is your daughter starting school soon? Once she starts, she will settle down and learn discipline and boundaries. My son was exactly the same at her age (and, like you I had a younger child), but he became a better listener and showed more awareness once he started school.

If it's any consolation, your daughter sounds like a very confident and sociable girl who is not going to have any problem making friends!

Yes, she is starting this September. You may well be right. She tells me about things she has learned at the creche and it's amazing what she will remember when she wouldn't listen to the same things I had told her.

Thanks for the reassurance

My daughter can be the same. She hasn't gone into anyone else's house but i don't leave them play on street because 1 of my neighbours thinks he's driving formula one coming down the street. However I did have her run off in town 1 day and my son was in his buggy. I got such a mini heart attack I did what other parents and myself and David coleman would advise against.. I said (In panic night I add )Omg you can't run off like that, someone could take you from me. strangely she has stayed by my side since. As regards to play grounds I bring them into small ones when I am alone because its easier to watch them and then big ones when my husband is with me.

John Mason

You need to tell your daughter who she can talk to rather than who she cant.

if she gets lost in the supermarket and she has been warned not to talk to strangers - how does she tell anyone she is lost?

explain that if she is lost she can talk to a mammy or daddy with children/to a guard/to someone with a name badge etc.

Nanazolie

irishbird wrote: »

You need to tell your daughter who she can talk to rather than who she cant.

if she gets lost in the supermarket and she has been warned not to talk to strangers - how does she tell anyone she is lost?

explain that if she is lost she can talk to a mammy or daddy with children/to a guard/to someone with a name badge etc.

Ah. Good point. I remember when I talked to a police officer she asked me why I talked to him and I mentioned 'if you are lost or in trouble go to a police officer'. But there might not be any around, so indeed, I need to tell her who she can ask for help

LadyMayBelle

Play is children's language, so why not read her a story book, or role play out some stories using her teddies and dolls? If she's a Winnie the Pooh fan this book gets a thumbs up, and the reviews claim it hasn't scared children!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Talk-Strangers-First-Winnie/dp/0786831456

Be mindful of words like the 'bad man' etc (all I think of when I hear that is the Dara O Briain comedy bit), but as I said in my previous post, focus on the good behaviour and her positve actions of staying near you, within the park, her not speaking to someone she doesnt know etc...

Nanazolie

Thanks LadyMayBelle, I never thought of looking for a book. I have it on my order for Amazon, it's a lucky coincidence, I was about to send it

hollster2

Sleepy wrote: »

Do you punish her when she disobeys your instructions?

Our little fella (6) isn't allowed go into his friends houses without asking first but he was doing it a bit until we started grounding him for a day if he did it. Hasn't done it since.

this is the same as i did n my daughters 6 she did it the other day so took her in 4 the rest of the day