Son hates school

Elizabetha

Hi, my 14 year old son is starting third year in september. He has always hated school and pretends to be ill to get sent home. But now he is actually crying at the thoughts of going back and is begging not to have to go. I am sure he is not being bulllied and he is quite clever. I hate seeing him so upset and am at my wits end trying to help him but nothing I say seems to help. Any advice out there?
Thanks

Moonbeam

Elizabetha wrote: »

Hi, my 14 year old son is starting third year in september. He has always hated school and pretends to be ill to get sent home. But now he is actually crying at the thoughts of going back and is begging not to have to go. I am sure he is not being bulllied and he is quite clever. I hate seeing him so upset and am at my wits end trying to help him but nothing I say seems to help. Any advice out there?
Thanks

Have you spoken to the school and to your son about his problems?

Elizabetha

Moonbeam wrote: »

Have you spoken to the school and to your son about his problems?

I have moonbeam, my son tells me that the other kids are very different and not nice, although he says that he is not being bullied. the past 5 years before that school he went to a private primary school. he started the pressent school at 2nd year as the primary school covered 1st year. When I spoke to the the school they just say that if he keeps missing school that the ed welfare officer will get involved. Thats not really good enough though is it? They agree that he is a very polite and a good child and not at all a trouble maker so I just dont get it

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Elizabetha wrote: »

I have moonbeam, my son tells me that the other kids are very different and not nice, although he says that he is not being bullied. the past 5 years before that school he went to a private primary school. he started the pressent school at 2nd year as the primary school covered 1st year. When I spoke to the the school they just say that if he keeps missing school that the ed welfare officer will get involved. Thats not really good enough though is it? They agree that he is a very polite and a good child and not at all a trouble maker so I just dont get it

Sounds like he is. Mayeb not physcially, but certainly mentally.

It is the schools responsibilty to monitor the environment and make it conducive for learning. Ask them about their anti-bullying polices and how they tackle the problems.

Elizabetha

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Sounds like he is. Mayeb not physcially, but certainly mentally.

It is the schools responsibilty to monitor the environment and make it conducive for learning. Ask them about their anti-bullying polices and how they tackle the problems.

I will speak to the school again when term begins and try get some answers

Ayla

Have you considered home education?

wonderfulname

Elizabetha wrote: »

I have moonbeam, my son tells me that the other kids are very different and not nice, although he says that he is not being bullied.

If a 14 year old boy is going so far as to say this to his mother it's a serious indication that he is, coupled with crying and activily getting himself out of going I'd be very worried what other kids are putting him through. Is there any adult he seems particularly comfortable talking to? A particular teacher or an uncle or something? If so I'd try orchestrate a conversation there, both to see what's happening and if anything can be done and because talking in itself might be a great help.

queensinead

The fact that he perceives the other kids as "not nice" might explain things, sort of.

He may be picked on covertly or verbally, there might be slagging, smart-chat and so on, nothing he feels he can really complain about, but upsetting and demoralising all the same. He may be quietly excluded from things, or ignored.

Or he may feel that these kids are just not his kind of people, he may have nothing in common with them. Does he have close friends in his class, does he bring them home, or see them out of school? Does he have a little group he hangs out with and has a little fun with? Or one good friend
It is this kind of teenage friendship that makes school bearable for many kids

Get tough with the school. They need to get their pastoral care into action and work with you to help your child.

If you have the option, sometimes changing school can work wonders, but the present school needs to be informed of the true situation first.

RubyGirl

Was he ok in the other school in 1st year and also national. Has it started since moving?

Elizabetha

He covered 1st year in the private primary school he went to which was more like a secondary school set up, he has one friend which was his friend in the primary school and is a year behind him in this school. mybe it was a mistake sending him to private school as now he is finding it hard to 'fit in'.

Scioch

wonderfulname wrote: »

If a 14 year old boy is going so far as to say this to his mother it's a serious indication that he is, coupled with crying and activily getting himself out of going I'd be very worried what other kids are putting him through. Is there any adult he seems particularly comfortable talking to? A particular teacher or an uncle or something? If so I'd try orchestrate a conversation there, both to see what's happening and if anything can be done and because talking in itself might be a great help.

I dont think its an indication he's being bullied. He may very well be but every kids who hates school and cant bear to go isnt a victim of bullying. Its tough when you cant quite fit in and every added pressure on top of that can have more of an impact than it ordinarily would.

I'd agree with having him sit down with a teacher he gets on well with though and see if there is anything on the teachers side they can do to help him out a bit. But if its the fact he cant fit in that is the root cause then the teachers might not be able to do a whole lot.

Perhaps joining a sports team or club or anything to allow him to fit in in some manner would make things easier for him ?

djk1000

Is he involved in sports or other activities at school? Sometimes it's easier to make friends with like minded students outside the usual day to day. Maybe then he'll find some people he fits in with.

Is he really bright? Maybe he's not being challenged, 5 days a week of sheer bordom would get anyone down.

If he's having trouble opening up to you, talk to the school about getting an appointment with the school psychologist, or if you can afford it send him to a few private sessions (get a name from your GP)

CookieMonster.x

Elizabetha wrote: »

Hi, my 14 year old son is starting third year in september. He has always hated school and pretends to be ill to get sent home. But now he is actually crying at the thoughts of going back and is begging not to have to go. I am sure he is not being bulllied and he is quite clever. I hate seeing him so upset and am at my wits end trying to help him but nothing I say seems to help. Any advice out there?
Thanks

There's definitely something going on. What about moving him? Also, how clever is he? He could be bored in class, picked on for being smart. If he is bright look into CTYI (Centre for Talented Youth Ireland). Basically it brings kids and teens with high academic ability together and offers college courses at a faster pace. I went this summer for 3 weeks and it is truly amazing, very worthwhile. Many people who don't fit in at school fit in straight away - no one is left out. You can google to see the website to organise to take the test.
Seriously if he is crying and hates it that much I would look a lot deeper into it.

chicamom

If your son is "crying" and "begging" not to go back, you should listen to that. If he's "hated school for years", you should notice that. The schools don't really know what to do, teachers aren't necessarily "experts" in parenting or even teaching for that matter. You know your son best, you love him, if he genuinely is unhappy there, you've got to support him, who else is there for him to turn to? He'll thank you for it and you'll get your cheerful happy boy back. He'll trust you and your relationship will go from strength to strength. Maybe a break from school altogether for a while to decompress and get to the bottom of the problem. Or go with the home ed route ( that's what we do with our 3 kids) if your circumstances allow, it's easier than you think. Afterall you've already taught him 99.9% of the hardest things that human brains are capable ie how to walk, communicate and interact with others, speak a language fluently, etc. You've done a great job so far, maybe it's the school system that has let you down. My kids haven't looked back since leaving school, it's been a great experience so far.

gara

Elizabetha I think you should go and have a word with your son's teachers, they may be able to provide you with some insight regarding his unhappiness at school. Either way, please do something proactive to address this for your son as no child should ever feel so upset about going to school. His crying is an indication that he's unable to cope with this by himself and needs some guidance from a trusted adult.

Piliger

OP - this is not right.

Your son is suffering a traumatic experience by being forced to go to school when CLEARLY something is wrong.

You say your son is not being bullied ? how do you know ? I hope this is not based on asking him !!

Also bullying takes MANY different forms and doesn't always mean being beaten up and bloodied.

I had to remove my son from a school in Deansgrange a few years ago because of bullying. It went on for many months. I asked him if he was being bullied MANY times and he said no. He was constantly ill, with stomach upsets etc. At the doctors, the doctor asked him if he was being bullied and looked at me clearly indicating he WAS being bullied.

I eventually uncovered that he was being ostracised by his whole class ... for whatever reason they chose at the time. After getting no support from the Head I whipped him out of that school within a week and moved to Newpark, a great school.

LISTEN to your son - get him in to talk to a counsellor. It is NOT normal not to want to go to school this much. You need to find the cause of this problem fast and if necessary march in to the head teachers office and make a big thing of this, to get action. Else move school and do it fast.

In my experience this will take him 2 - 3 years to recover from.

up for anything

Just a thought, OP, my, just gone 15yr old, son is beginning 3rd year next week. He hates school, being cooped up from 9am-4pm just doesn't suit him, learning things he has absolutely no interest in. He's a bright enough kid but because he doesn't want to learn he isn't. He has a group of 'friends' but sometimes they are worse and bitchier than girls are reputed to be, him included. It could be that he has no interest in school rather than being bullied and is too scared to tell you especially because he'll be aware that his private primary school cost lots of money and that it would disappoint you to find out that it was 'wasted'.

These days it seems to have been forgotten that lots of kids are not cut out for being stapled to a desk till they are 18 in order to get their LC. It's such a pity that apprenticeships have gone by the wayside both educationally and economically.

Piliger

Well personally in my view this kid has more problems than he is letting on as well. This thing about not being cut out for school is a myth and simply doesn't exist. Parents of kids with problems at school that they can't solve look to this as the explanation of the problem, and the real problem never gets tackled. Kids in a happy class environment love being at school, being with the guys and learning stuff. There is no such thing as a kid not interested in learning.

ResearchWill

up for anything wrote: »

Just a thought, OP, my, just gone 15yr old, son is beginning 3rd year next week. He hates school, being cooped up from 9am-4pm just doesn't suit him, learning things he has absolutely no interest in. He's a bright enough kid but because he doesn't want to learn he isn't. He has a group of 'friends' but sometimes they are worse and bitchier than girls are reputed to be, him included. It could be that he has no interest in school rather than being bullied and is too scared to tell you especially because he'll be aware that his private primary school cost lots of money and that it would disappoint you to find out that it was 'wasted'.

These days it seems to have been forgotten that lots of kids are not cut out for being stapled to a desk till they are 18 in order to get their LC. It's such a pity that apprenticeships have gone by the wayside both educationally and economically.

If you think an vocational education would be good for you child then why not arrange it. I'm sure your local VEC would be able to help or try here to start http://www.ivea.ie/

naitsirhc

Let's not assume he is being bullied right off the bat.

As you said OP, he's a bright kid. If a bright child is going to a school an isn't being challenged it is incredibly frustrating. It sent me to the point of tears once or twice because school was so boring it felt like each day went on for a week! In thIs case it is a task for everybody involved to try to help him adapt and enjoy school.

IF he is being bullied or isn't fitting in with his classmates have a discussion with him about it. Even if he isn't admitting it to you just have a general chat about that kind of stuff with him without naming names. At that age some smart remarks and jibes can be seen as malicious when really it us just a little kid trying to have a laugh but not knowing proper boundaries. Not that that's an excuse.

The new school year starts soon so you need to think about it and come to a decision your certain about. I hated school up till fourth year, then I started making a few extra friends and it was a bit more bareable for the last two years, so there's still hope for this school.

up for anything

Piliger wrote: »

Kids in a happy class environment love being at school, being with the guys and learning stuff. There is no such thing as a kid not interested in learning.

You jest!

ResearchWill wrote: »

If you think an vocational education would be good for you child then why not arrange it. I'm sure your local VEC would be able to help or try here to start http://www.ivea.ie/

I have been looking into it but thanks.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

up for anything wrote: »

You jest!

Yeah, I know. Damn hippies and their school-doesn't-have-to-be-boring modern ****.

It should be hard, brutal and pointless I tells ya!

Piliger

up for anything wrote: »

You jest!

No I don't. It's figment invented by people who have their own agendas and don't have the character to find out what the real problem is and where is lies.

TheMilkyPirate

I hated school, I begged not to go many days and eventually just stopped going. It just wasn't for me so I left just before my 16th birthday. I wasn't being bullied never have been I just hated school.

That was nearly 7 years ago and I haven't looked back since I have a steady job and have started a family. It isn't the be all and end all.

up for anything

Piliger wrote: »

No I don't. It's figment invented by people who have their own agendas and don't have the character to find out what the real problem is and where is lies.

I'd lol but I'm all out of them.

I really don't get how you can believe that. The problem generally lies with things like the concept of school, what is taught, the relevance of what is taught, the school atmosphere, class mates, teachers and their various teaching and discipline methods, the child himself or herself. Anybody with an ounce of sense knows that, but rectifying what is wrong can mostly be impossible.

I don't know any school that is 100% a happy, fluffy cloud of children eager to learn, teachers eager to teach.

ResearchWill

up for anything wrote: »

I'd lol but I'm all out of them.

I really don't get how you can believe that. The problem generally lies with things like the concept of school, what is taught, the relevance of what is taught, the school atmosphere, class mates, teachers and their various teaching and discipline methods, the child himself or herself. Anybody with an ounce of sense knows that, but rectifying what is wrong can mostly be impossible.

I don't know any school that is 100% a happy, fluffy cloud of children eager to learn, teachers eager to teach.

I agree a one size fits all can not suit everyone. I for one was never a lover of secondary school, just about got through ok leaving. Then a few years later said mmmm maybe I should get a degree, so went to university and loved every second there.

So no secondary school may not be for everyone, but I do think every person up to 18 should remain in education if that is vocational, or academic it does not matter.