How much to give at a wedding

Muckit

What would people think of friends invited to the whole wedding 'chipping in together' to buy you a present? (like a gift card?) .... I have 5 friends from work and I'm sure that they will do this.... and they'I be bringing partners!!!

Annasopra

Muckit wrote: »

What would people think of friends invited to the whole wedding 'chipping in together' to buy you a present? (like a gift card?) .... I have 5 friends from work and I'm sure that they will do this.... and they'I be bringing partners!!!

Sounds like a good idea

Muckit

Hi John from work !

Melanoma

Grayson wrote: »

But you still have an idea. most places are 40-60 per head. swankier places will be up to 100 a head. So when you're giving a gift, it's supposed to be enough to cover the cost of them inviting you, plus a little bit extra so It's actually a gift.

I'd disagree a bit with you. If someone spends 100 on the dinner then they are having a great day but they should pay for the honour like of being so swanky.

Its not up to the guest invited to pay over the odds.

Annasopra

Muckit wrote: »

Hi John from work !

Not at all. I think it's a good idea to do that. Done it before with people in work.

kylith

greenbicycle wrote: »

Eh more than enough? Not really..... Well, you could i suppose. Would be fairly basic though...

So? If someone wants a big wedding, that's grand, but they shouldn't count on their guests covering the cost. It'd be great if they did, but you shouldn't depend on it.

Some of the best weddings I've been to have been, as you put it, basic; a trip to the registry office and back to the house where's there's a slab of beer and a hog roast in the garden is, imo, much more fun than an hour's ceremony in the church, hanging around for photos afterward, and a seating-planned carvery meal with interminable toasts.

Super-Rush

finbarrk wrote: »

What was the most you got at your wedding?

I'm not married.

If someone gives me €200 on my wedding day then they need their head examined.

greenbicycle

kylith wrote: »

So? If someone wants a big wedding, that's grand, but they shouldn't count on their guests covering the cost. It'd be great if they did, but you shouldn't depend on it.

Some of the best weddings I've been to have been, as you put it, basic; a trip to the registry office and back to the house where's there's a slab of beer and a hog roast in the garden is, imo, much more fun than an hour's ceremony in the church, hanging around for photos afterward, and a seating-planned carvery meal with interminable toasts.

That does sound like fun but is possibly not ging to suit everyone at the party. I am thinking of some of the oldies in my family!

Also that just sounds like the barbeque that you described, something that will/may happen frequently in your life. Most people want soemthing s little special for their weedding, something a little different to what they would normally do for a party.

Oh and i live in an apartment, no chance of having everyone back if it were my wedding.

I live in dublin, no chance of fitting everyone into most houses i know if were to even borrow a house for the day.

Lustrum

My initial reaction on reading the title was "maybe play it cool during the dinner, but on the dancefloor give it loads!"

I was a trifle disappointed to find out you were talking about money

Grayson

later12 wrote: »

It may not be uncommon, but I would suggest that yes, it certainly is unusual.

I'm not judging anyone who thinks this way, I just don't understand it. If you cannot afford the day, why not do something else equally (or more) fun and memorable with the people who really matter and the money you have?

I find it hard to believe that getting drunk and dancing to Abba hits in the function room of a Celbridge (or wherever) hotel is the most fun that someone could have with their friends and family for €30k, but different strokes for different folks I suppose.

I agree. I hate the idea of having a reception that costs 50 quid a head with warm chicken and ham for dinner and ice cream for dessert. A crap band and as you said, an abba medley to finish with. Not to mention those stupid irish dancers people get to perform.

I'd far prefer to do something different. Go abroad somewhere sunny and maybe rent a resteraunt for the night. The plus side to that is I can invite feck loads and they won't come unless they actually want to be there.

kylith wrote: »

No-one has ever told me that I'm 'supposed' to give a certain amount and I've always assumed that people have asked me to the wedding because they want me there, not solely for my monetary contribution, so I'll continue to give what I can afford and going anyway. .

You're right. But wrong too

They invite you because they want you there. But you still cost them money. And you're not the only one. A small wedding could still have 50 guests. And having 100+ at a wedding is not too unusual. That's 2.5-5k before you consider the costs of the wedding, dresses and everything else. A small wedding can still cost 10k. So it's nice to help out and make sure that they don't end up regretting inviting everyone they wanted there.
To put your argument the other way. If you didn't go, you wouldn't cost them anything. If you go and help cover costs, then they're not gaining anything. The only thing they're actually gaining is your company.


And when i say supposed, I mean in the way an engagement ring is supposed to be a months salary etc... No-one's telling you how much to give, it's just a social convention. And although i disagree with the months salary for an engagement ring, i can agree with the idea of giving the cost of your meal. At least you have a ballpark of what the minimum is and you know that your being there isn't costing a young couple money when they're starting their life together.

Balmed Out

later12 wrote: »

Why do people give money as wedding gifts?

When my brother got married, a it was the first time I realised people actually do this, a lot. I think it's a terrible gift. The bride & groom basically just use it as a deduction from the cost of their wedding, which they were quite happy to pay for anyway.

Completely disagree, People gave presents before as the couple went from a wedding to their first house which needed to be furnished. Not the case anymore. The only gifts I got that im delighted with would be framed photos of a day I hadnt my camera with me, other presents while very nice are typically things that we already have something similar. The cash is always handy but most important is that people take the time to come.

Personally I love the odd wedding, great way to catch up with different groups and a grand excuse to get away for a weekend.

kylith

greenbicycle wrote: »

That does sound like fun but is possibly not ging to suit everyone at the party. I am thinking of some of the oldies in my family!

Also that just sounds like the barbeque that you described, something that will/may happen frequently in your life. Most people want soemthing s little special for their weedding, something a little different to what they would normally do for a party.

Trust me, the oldies love a good hog roast (my little old aunt was very annoyed to find that they'd removed the tongue before cooking the pig as it's apparently 'the best bit'), and the only trouble was with a couple of people watching their colesterol, but they're easily catered for with a bit of chicken.

Maybe for some people it'd be a bit 'everyday' but I suppose we were just so happy to be celebrating my brothers' weddings (two of them had hog roasts, one had a garden party catered by a friend (yes, I have a lot of brothers)). Personally if I found anyone looking down their nose at my wedding because it was a BBQ rather than a meal in a hotel would be told to either grow up or get out. As they say 'better a dinner of bread where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith', or something.

Colmustard

I go to a lot of wedding, a big family and a close extended family plus the nature of the job I am in. I give 100 in cash.

greenbicycle

kylith wrote: »

Trust me, the oldies love a good hog roast (my little old aunt was very annoyed to find that they'd removed the tongue before cooking the pig as it's apparently 'the best bit'), and the only trouble was with a couple of people watching their colesterol, but they're easily catered for with a bit of chicken.

Maybe for some people it'd be a bit 'everyday' but I suppose we were just so happy to be celebrating my brothers' weddings (two of them had hog roasts, one had a garden party catered by a friend (yes, I have a lot of brothers)). Personally if I found anyone looking down their nose at my wedding because it was a BBQ rather than a meal in a hotel would be told to either grow up or get out. As they say 'better a dinner of bread where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith', or something.

You should definitly contribute to the pig on a spit thread that is going with your experience!

You have cool oldies in your family, mine would be moaning that they had to eat off their knees or some such.

Hog roasts Are not cheap though you know, they certainly were not when i was researching for my wedding! They would take a chunk out of your 4k. Unless you are friends with a hog roast expert of course!

How much did your brothers weddings come too, bet it was over 4...unless they had a bring your own booze policy and tounge loving auntie was one of the few relatives invited!

rainbowtrout

greenbicycle wrote: »

That does sound like fun but is possibly not ging to suit everyone at the party. I am thinking of some of the oldies in my family!

Also that just sounds like the barbeque that you described, something that will/may happen frequently in your life. Most people want soemthing s little special for their weedding, something a little different to what they would normally do for a party.

Oh and i live in an apartment, no chance of having everyone back if it were my wedding.

I live in dublin, no chance of fitting everyone into most houses i know if were to even borrow a house for the day.

But despite what every bride and groom think about their wedding, it's not that special to anyone else. All of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years have involved 1.5 hours in a church, drive to a hotel, drinks at hotel on arrival, meal at 6pm, speeches, band for a couple of hours, DJ. Every single one. They've all rolled into one big wedding at this stage.

Have a BBQ out the back is more likely to be less stressful on bride and groom and guests who are more likely to remember it. Most brides and grooms seem to spend their day posing for photos and going from table to table making sure they've spoken to all their guests. It looks wearisome to be honest.

Mr Benevolent

My brother is getting married next year and my mum said I should give €500. I laughed. €200 is enough. I'm not rich and this is a recession.

greenbicycle

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But despite what every bride and groom think about their wedding, it's not that special to anyone else. All of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years have involved 1.5 hours in a church, drive to a hotel, drinks at hotel on arrival, meal at 6pm, speeches, band for a couple of hours, DJ. Every single one. They've all rolled into one big wedding at this stage.

Have a BBQ out the back is more likely to be less stressful on bride and groom and guests who are more likely to remember it. Most brides and grooms seem to spend their day posing for photos and going from table to table making sure they've spoken to all their guests. It looks wearisome to be honest.

Might be like all other weddings but its not about being different from other weddings its about being different from other parties you have over the rest of your life.

Speaking to your guests is not wearisome at all, its what you want to do, why invite someone you dont want to try and talk to?

Yes photos i admit can be the least enjoyable bit of a day but its not that bad, no one would do them if they were that bad!you want to capture images of you looking amazing, who doesnt? Most of my photos were not posed though so we didnt spend a lot of time getting formal photos done, it was grand!

A harden party might be fun but it is not feasible, certainly not in my case in an apartment and i wouldnt fit all my guests into my patents garden....

Anyway my point was that the cost was not going to be minimal at a garden party or hog roast....

We are getting a bit off topic though are we not?

kylith

greenbicycle wrote: »

You should definitly contribute to the pig on a spit thread that is going with your experience!

You have cool oldies in your family, mine would be moaning that they had to eat off their knees or some such.

Hog roasts Are not cheap though you know, they certainly were not when i was researching for my wedding! They would take a chunk out of your 4k. Unless you are friends with a hog roast expert of course!

How much did your brothers weddings come too, bet it was over 4...unless they had a bring your own booze policy and tounge loving auntie was one of the few relatives invited!

One hog costs about €600, and will feed up to 150 people, from the place one of my brothers got it. That doesn't include any salads but I think they'll lay on a full spread for about €10pp. We got a keg of Carlsberg and a keg of Guinness too, so you can factor in however much that would be.

I have no idea how much any of their weddings came to. I didn't ask and they didn't volunteer the information. I can't imagine it came anywhere near the 10K that some people would consider normal.

VEN

Gave €200 to a married couple at the last wedding i went to. I knew them both very well, though i knew the guy longer and was a close mate.
He told me some of his mates he knew longer than me gave them nothing! Thing is though, we haven't spoken in over 2 years now, i don't really know what's going on there but the ball is in his corner. One tends to get tired of doing all the contacting after a while, so when you leave it for a while and nothing comes back, it gives you an idea how little you meant to them. Out of sight, out of mind.

TheTurk1972

€50.
If you want me to share your big they then thats what you get. If you arent happy with that then dont ask me to share your big day


And a tip. Save yourself another €50 by not putting a seat cover on my seat. Really.
And you could save another few quid easily too. But if the bride must have the best of everything, im sure the hotel will take the couples money from them hapilly.

If you need the guests to pay for your wedding ......

We specifically stated in bold on our invitations that we would be offended deeply if anyone gave us any presents or cash. That if they did give us anything it would be given to charity. Some people did give us presents or cash though and we gave it to charity and sent them the receipts.

I know most people dont actually mean it when they say they dont want cash or presents, but if they really dont want cash or gifts, they can make it very clear.

Hopefully we made the buden of cost on our guests a little easier.

greenbicycle

kylith wrote: »

One hog costs about €600, and will feed up to 150 people, from the place one of my brothers got it. That doesn't include any salads but I think they'll lay on a full spread for about €10pp. We got a keg of Carlsberg and a keg of Guinness too, so you can factor in however much that would be.

I have no idea how much any of their weddings came to. I didn't ask and they didn't volunteer the information. I can't imagine it came anywhere near the 10K that some people would consider normal.

Sounds like a good deal for the roast. No wine at the party for the non beer drinkers?

Your in dublin 8 are your brothers there too? How did you fit 150 people, you must have a massive house!

Still, ask them how much their wedding was in total, bet youll be alittle surprised...

Anyway, i didnt care too much about the amounts of gifts i got, some was cash some wasnt, some cash was in excess of 1000 from one person others gave 100 between two people, we were delighted with evertying. Its the one or two who gave nothing who had no ties, full time well paying jobs, no family, mortgage etc. really wanted them at the wedding but thought of them as a little scabby....

Gifts in no way paid for our wedding at all, not even half but we didnt expect it to.

Jame Gumb

Linking the cost of the meal to the size of the gift is ridiculous...there should be no relationship between the two. That's some weird kind of bastard Celtic Tiger made up etiquette.

Personally, I give €200 to close friends or relatively close family (e.g. 1st cousins) and €150 to anyone else.

If someone has a wedding list, I still give them cash and I think that selecting a gift for a couple isn't a great idea as people tend to have most things these days anyway and people's taste varies.

Cienciano

finbarrk wrote: »

€150 is loads for a couple these days. Even €100 would do some of them depending on how well you know them.

Yeah, I think that's fairly standard. If you're both really close to them and have the cash €200.

TBH op, don't feel embarrassed, if the bride and groom think you're "scabby" for giving €100 they're assholes. They'll be happy with anything. Unless you get them a shíte present like a footspa when they request money.

kylith

greenbicycle wrote: »

Sounds like a good deal for the roast. No wine at the party for the non beer drinkers?

Your in dublin 8 are your brothers there too? How did you fit 150 people, you must have a massive house!

Still, ask them how much their wedding was in total, bet youll be alittle surprised...

Nah, most of my family is in Munster, with some in the UK. One didn't have 150 people there so they fitted in his house and garden (maybe about 60), and the one who did borrowed someone else's garden. I've gotten about 30 people into my house, but after that it gets a bit cramped. If OH and I were to wed I'd borrow his dad's house cos it's got a massive garden.

Wine? We do not drink....wine. Just messing, but there wasn't much of it there.

I might ask them, but we don't talk about money at all.

summerskin

Went to a wedding this week, me, wife and two kids, present was €100 from us. Wedding was English friends getting married over here so it was seen as more than enough as usually in England we give £50 per family.

Don't get all this paying for your meal nonsense. If someone invites you it's up to them to pay! I don't invite someone for dinner and ask them to pay!

Thankfully things are different in England, a wedding is a fun day, not something to bankrupt the couple and even the guests!

Confab

Confab wrote: »

My brother is getting married next year and my mum said I should give €500. I laughed. €200 is enough. I'm not rich and this is a recession.

To be honest I agree with your mother, if/when my sisters get married they would certainly be getting at least 500 and more than likely more.

Madam_X

summerskin wrote: »

Went to a wedding this week, me, wife and two kids, present was €100 from us. Wedding was English friends getting married over here so it was seen as more than enough as usually in England we give £50 per family.

Don't get all this paying for your meal nonsense. If someone invites you it's up to them to pay! I don't invite someone for dinner and ask them to pay!

Thankfully things are different in England, a wedding is a fun day, not something to bankrupt the couple and even the guests!

Yeah I've heard the extreme grandiose weddings here aren't as common in England.

Brayden Gorgeous Balcony wrote: »

To be honest I agree with your mother, if/when my sisters get married they would certainly be getting at least 500 and more than likely more.

Family doesn't change budget though. I wouldn't like my brothers to spend that on me - it's insane! And for one brother's wedding, I was as generous as could be of course, but I couldn't afford an amount like that.

Madam_X

Madam_X wrote: »

Family doesn't change budget though. I wouldn't like my brothers to spend that on me - it's insane! And for one brother's wedding, I was as generous as could be of course, but I couldn't afford an amount like that.

Well if I had to save for it I would but I would make sure to give a good gift. Giving good gifts especially for weddings is something that my family always do, for instance my parents were at the wedding of a daughter of one of their good friends recently and gave 500 (between them). So for me it would be 500 at least if not more for a sibling. I know times are hard but as I said if I know it was coming up and if I were in a position where I knew money would be tight I would start saving for it.

Jame Gumb

It depends on your means.

€500 for a brother wouldn't be off the wall for someone with a decent job but if someone's under the kosh financially, they shouldn't feel under pressure to come up with that sort of cash.

Red21

Jame Gumb wrote: »

Linking the cost of the meal to the size of the gift is ridiculous...there should be no relationship between the two. That's some weird kind of bastard Celtic Tiger made up etiquette.

Personally, I give €200 to close friends or relatively close family (e.g. 1st cousins) and €150 to anyone else.

If someone has a wedding list, I still give them cash and I think that selecting a gift for a couple isn't a great idea as people tend to have most things these days anyway and people's taste varies.

It's not just about linking the cost of the meal to the gift by those attending the wedding, the problem is when couples are planning their special day they're fully aware that the more gusets they have the more cash they'll recieve on the day.
I don't think people go out of their way to have a large wedding in order to make money but you can be sure if the practice of putting money in the cards died out, 95% of the large weddings would die out with it, all those 250 guest wedding wouldn't be long dropping to 50/60 guests and we all know who the big winners are with this money in the cards situation.

Grayson

Jame Gumb wrote: »

It depends on your means.

€500 for a brother wouldn't be off the wall for someone with a decent job but if someone's under the kosh financially, they shouldn't feel under pressure to come up with that sort of cash.

I gave a bit more than that at a siblings wedding. And I was broke. I had to save for 3 months to cover the cost of the gift and the wedding. But it wasn't like an old mate or someone I work with. It was a very close family member.

PizzamanIRL

Why do you have to pay to see someone getting married?

The Cool

I went to a friend's wedding last year. I gave them €50. It was all I could afford, I'm a student, people seem to forget that it does often cost you to attend a wedding as well. She was delighted with it (well to my face anyway!) She wouldn't be the type to be snobby about a present. I'd be the same if I were getting married - 50 quid from my parents would feel a tad measly, but from my friends I'd be touched to get anything really.

As for the thing of actual gifts - that was common practice when people sorted their first homes after getting married. It's much more common now for couples to live together before they get married, so they'll often have everything. And as someone said, how do you know that ten other people haven't already thought of a toaster? Also, if they have their own homes they probably have their own colour schemes etc. so if they have a muted green and white kitchen then your red and black toaster isn't even getting out of the box anyway. I think gifts are best left to close friends and family and should be sentimental non-money type things - filled photo albums or whatever.
I think that when my siblings get married - it'll be a long time after me as there's a big age gap - I'd like to do something like pay for their photographer. Same thing as giving them money really but then they can think, my wedding photos are courtesy of my big sis.

Generally, as someone else said I think it's a matter of how much you can afford and how close you are to the couple. I do think in this day and age that 200 is a bit extortionate. Tis a recession after all, people don't have heaps of money to give and the couple will be keeping it cheaper too. I really do think it's particularly unreasonable if you're travelling and staying over, that shizz doesnt come cheap.

heavyballs

Cienciano wrote: »

Yeah, I think that's fairly standard. If you're both really close to them and have the cash €200.

TBH op, don't feel embarrassed, if the bride and groom think you're "scabby" for giving €100 they're assholes. They'll be happy with anything. Unless you get them a shíte present like a footspa when they request money.

agree with this,considering you can get a really decent wedding package thesedays for around €60 pp i think €100-€150 is fair.
I think if you got a ton from all those scabby fecks that buy the cheap poxy pressies that would also be welcome.
Also,wedding lists are for tossers,gready feckers

Red21

PizzamanIRL wrote: »

Why do you have to pay to see someone getting married?

You may not even get to see that, cos it often happens out the back or behind closed doors with only groomsmen and bridesmaids present.

TheTurk1972

If we adopted a custom that nobody puts their names on the gift I bet the value of gifts would drop. And then the numbers invited to weddings would drop too.

Mr Benevolent

Brayden Gorgeous Balcony wrote: »

To be honest I agree with your mother, if/when my sisters get married they would certainly be getting at least 500 and more than likely more.

€500 is near enough to half a month's net salary for me. I cannot afford to spend it on a present for someone. They chose to spend €25000 on a wedding, not me.

Melanoma

Lustrum wrote: »

My initial reaction on reading the title was "maybe play it cool during the dinner, but on the dancefloor give it loads!"

I was a trifle disappointed to find out you were talking about money

Ha ha

Red21

Brayden Gorgeous Balcony wrote: »

Well if I had to save for it I would but I would make sure to give a good gift. Giving good gifts especially for weddings is something that my family always do, for instance my parents were at the wedding of a daughter of one of their good friends recently and gave 500 (between them). So for me it would be 500 at least if not more for a sibling. I know times are hard but as I said if I know it was coming up and if I were in a position where I knew money would be tight I would start saving for it.

Would your family be in the hotel business by any chance?

Red21

Red21 wrote: »

Would your family be in the hotel business by any chance?

No.

Red21

Brayden Gorgeous Balcony wrote: »

No.

Wedding singers?

Jame Gumb

Confab wrote: »

Brayden Gorgeous Balcony wrote: »

To be honest I agree with your mother, if/when my sisters get married they would certainly be getting at least 500 and more than likely more.

€500 is near enough to half a month's net salary for me. I cannot afford to spend it on a present for someone. They chose to spend €25000 on a wedding, not me.

Nobody said that you should. Just give whatever you feel comfortable with.

But for people that aren't fussed about what they give or how much they give, a gift of €150 - €200 is appropriate from a couple. For a sibling, I'd suggest something more is appropriate, again subject to the donor's means.

Cienciano

OP, if you really hate them donate money to charity for them.

Miss Lockhart

I think people should give whatever they feel they can afford and are happy to give, and the couple should be grateful to receive whatever. I would think that for most people a suitable amount would be around €75 per individual, less if only attending the afters, more for immediate family.

I no longer attend weddings with a "gifts in envelopes only" note, whether they be close friends/family or simply aquaintances. I would be much happier to attend the wedding of a couple that expected guests join them for a dinner celebration and pay for their own meals at a restaurant. I would totally understand that.

The sense of entitlement of some couples and the lack of courtesy with which they treat their guests is sickening. (can work both ways of course!)

Jame Gumb

I think that putting it in writing (i.e. "cash only") is the height of bad taste.

We were silent on it.

Some people did ask our mothers what we wanted and they just said "well they have pretty much everything".

95% of people gave us cash.

One close family friend called me and said that as a rule, he doesn't give cash and asked if there was anything we needed so I suggested something to him.

Once a sense of entitlement creeps in or people are relying on the cash to pay or the wedding, the wheels are coming off.

Kirby

The culture of inviting somebody to a party and then expecting them to pay for it is utterly ridiculous. It's your day, not theirs. People should want to give you gifts. You shouldn't be demanding it or guilting them into it.

If you can only afford it by assuming everyone will give you money..........then you can't actually afford it and need to scale it back.

Close personal friends yes...... old work acquaintances from 5 years ago no.

Red21

Red21 wrote: »

Wedding singers?

What difference does it make what jobs people do? My family is not involved in any "business" everyone just works in normal jobs.

BorneTobyWilde

Usually just give the bridesmaid one

Red21

Jame Gumb wrote: »

Once a sense of entitlement creeps in or people are relying on the cash to pay or the wedding, the wheels are coming off.

I'm afraid the wheels are well and truly off at this stage and have been for over 10 years now. Your average couple thinks nothing of putting up 25 grand for their wedding, they wouldn't dare spend that kinda money on a single day if they tought they'd be paying back for it over the next 15 years.

Cienciano

Jame Gumb wrote: »

I think that putting it in writing (i.e. "cash only") is the height of bad taste.

We were silent on it.

Some people did ask our mothers what we wanted and they just said "well they have pretty much everything".

95% of people gave us cash.

One close family friend called me and said that as a rule, he doesn't give cash and asked if there was anything we needed so I suggested something to him.

Once a sense of entitlement creeps in or people are relying on the cash to pay or the wedding, the wheels are coming off.

I sort of asked for cash. We put up a list of stuff on a website that people could buy on our honeymoon (segway tours, breakfast in bed, night in a champagne bar etc) with links to a paypal account.
Thing is about presents, you just get shíte. I was living with my wife in an apartment for 6 years. I don't have room for a food warmer, a set of newbridge silver spagetti untensils, 3 ornamental photo frame boxes, and ice cream maker etc. They were 4 presents I can think of that people got for us because they don't believe in giving money, photo frames were the same but from different people. We don't have the room for crap like that which we'll never use.
Back in the old days people moved in together after the wedding, so presents were great. In this day and age most people have been living together for years.