How much to give at a wedding

Jame Gumb

There are two sides to this:

- It's the height of ignorance for a bride and groom to demand cash gifts.

- It's the height of ignorance for a guest not to give a present to a bride and groom. The scale of the present should depend on the guest's circumstances.

purplepanda

Depends if there''s a free bar or not :pac:

marshbaboon

Motorist wrote: »

How low key is low key? Did he have a band, photographer, all that stuff?

Photographer & DJ yes. Didn't hire a band, but there was live music.

kfallon

Tend to give enough to cover the cost of my presence there.

Tbh I usually get out of Weddings anyway, hate the things, load of shite in the main

kylith

Confab wrote: »

€500 is near enough to half a month's net salary for me. I cannot afford to spend it on a present for someone. They chose to spend €25000 on a wedding, not me.

Hear, hear!

TBH I don't think I could take €500 off of someone unless I knew for a fact that they considered it pocket change, so they'd have to be earning megabucks.

The idea of someone putting themselves through financial hardship over some percieved social contract, even between siblings, in horrible.

TheTurk1972

Cienciano wrote: »

I sort of asked for cash. We put up a list of stuff on a website that people could buy on our honeymoon (segway tours, breakfast in bed, night in a champagne bar etc) with links to a paypal account.
Thing is about presents, you just get shíte. I was living with my wife in an apartment for 6 years. I don't have room for a food warmer, a set of newbridge silver spagetti untensils, 3 ornamental photo frame boxes, and ice cream maker etc. They were 4 presents I can think of that people got for us because they don't believe in giving money, photo frames were the same but from different people. We don't have the room for crap like that which we'll never use.
Back in the old days people moved in together after the wedding, so presents were great. In this day and age most people have been living together for years.

If you dont want stuff of their choosing you could have asked them not to give you anything or to give a donation to charity instead.

Jame Gumb

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa).

Tangible gifts and wedding lists made sense back when newlyweds were moving into their first home together and generally had very little money. Now, cash makes most sense on all sides.

As I said earlier, it's wrong for couples to insist on cash but it's equally wrong for guests not to give gifts (with the scale of the gift subject to the means of the guest and a reasonable cap of say €75 - €100 a head).

Like most situations, common sense works.

Jame Gumb

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa)..

usually when you give a gift to someone you know them well enough to give them something you think they'd like, not what you would like...

Jame Gumb

bluewolf wrote: »

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa)..

usually when you give a gift to someone you know them well enough to give them something you think they'd like, not what you would like...

Like what?

I've a close group of mates and I'd genuinely struggle to think of something tangible to give any of them that they'd prefer over cash.

TheTurk1972

Jame Gumb wrote: »

@TheTurk1972

This is a two way thing.

I wouldn't dream of buying some kind of tangible gift for a couple as I don't believe it's right for me to impose my taste on them. Something that I might love may not appeal to them at all (and vice versa).

Tangible gifts and wedding lists made sense back when newlyweds were moving into their first home together and generally had very little money. Now, cash makes most sense on all sides.

As I said earlier, it's wrong for couples to insist on cash but it's equally wrong for guests not to give gifts (with the scale of the gift subject to the means of the guest and a reasonable cap of say €75 - €100 a head).

Like most situations, common sense works.

Maybe its just me, but I dont like to have people buy me gifts when I want them to share my wedding day with me.
I would rather they just come to the party I am laying on for them and NOT have to feel they must compensate me.
The biggest gift they can give me is to be there and NOT give me anythibg in return.

Jame Gumb

But they're not compensating you!

It's this supposed link between the cost of the wedding and the value of a gift that's creating the issue.

The two are not related in any way. Put it another way, if your mate is getting married and you can't attend the wedding, you should still give him a present (of the same value that you'd give if you were attending). And there should never be a sense of "oh Jesus, this wedding's in Jury's Inn - Give them a sh1t present" or "this wedding's in Ashford Castle - Give them a better present".

This "cover the cost of the meal" stuff is an abomination.

Jame Gumb

BTW very little worse in this context than someone giving you a gift that's clearly some sh1te they had lying around their house or some unwanted gift that they received. Be less insulting to receive nothing.

Birroc

mikemac1 wrote: »

An invite to a wedding is like a letter from the Revenue

So true. I reckon the vast majority of people groan when they they get a wedding invite unless its very close family.

opinion guy

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

Jame Gumb

Birroc wrote: »

mikemac1 wrote: »

An invite to a wedding is like a letter from the Revenue

So true. I reckon the vast majority of people groan when they they get a wedding invite unless its very close family.

I find each one costs us around €1,000.

Two years ago we went to 10.

That's more than €20,000 of income.

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

opinion guy

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

no

Jame Gumb

bluewolf wrote: »

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

no

It depends.

If I would have gone but for some unforeseen circumstances, I'd give the couple a present.

But if it's a random invite (e.g. from a work colleague inviting everyone), then I wouldn't.

I'd ask myself whether, if the couple were just going off to be married on a beach on their own, would I give them a present?

rainbowtrout

opinion guy wrote: »

So question. If you decline a wedding invite do you still give a present ?

yes, i'd like to give them a present because I like them and want to wish them well in their marriage regardless of whether or not I attended the wedding.

Red21

Jame Gumb wrote: »

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

Yes the whole thing has gone absolutely crazy, it's a vicious circle, you can't really say much about it in public because, A- you'll be insulting a couple who went to an massive effort to put on a big day for all their friends family and co-worker, B-you'll be insulting those planning their big special day.
I also think the issue of people putting "cash gift only" or similiar type suggestions on the invite is a non-issue as it very rarely happens, i've never seen it, plus it's very easy to tell that person to "get f@cked" it's not so easy to leave down someone thats dead sound.

opinion guy

Jame Gumb wrote: »

It depends.

If I would have gone but for some unforeseen circumstances, I'd give the couple a present.

But if it's a random invite (e.g. from a work colleague inviting everyone), then I wouldn't.

I'd ask myself whether, if the couple were just going off to be married on a beach on their own, would I give them a present?

Didn't go because I couldn't afford to go. I have a feeling my friend wasn't to happy about it.

rainbowtrout

Red21 wrote: »

Yes the whole thing has gone absolutely crazy, it's a vicious circle, you can't really say much about it in public because, A- you'll be insulting a couple who went to an massive effort to put on a big day for all their friends family and co-worker, B-you'll be insulting those planning their big special day.
I also think the issue of people putting "cash gift only" or similiar type suggestions on the invite is a non-issue as it very rarely happens, i've never seen it, plus it's very easy to tell that person to "get f@cked" it's not so easy to leave down someone thats dead sound.

Particularly if you're about 30, so a lot of friends and family are of a similar age and are all getting married within a short period of time, it gets very expensive very quickly, to attend, stay over where necessary, arrange babysitting for those with kids. Gifts etc.

In terms of asking for cash for gifts a cousin of mine had a tacky little poem in her invite, I wasn't attending as it didn't suit and it was in UK so couldn't take all the days I would have needed for it, but the gist of the rhyme was 'we're together quite a while, and we're living together and we have all we need and your gift may not be to our taste but we are planning a honeymoon so we would like cash toward that instead'. It turned my stomach.

In my opinion a gift is just that , a gift. Nobody dictates what they should receive as a gift on any other occasion so why should a wedding be different? If the couple would prefer cash instead of gifts they should probably let their parents and groomsmen/bridesmaids know so if people ask what they should give they can be told of the preference discreetly. But I don't like being told what to give as a present.

JupiterKid

Irish weddings in the main have become outrageously extravagant and expensive. It's become a real farce in fact. You would think the recession would give people a bit of perspective and cause them to tone things down - but no.

Often, the most extravagant weddings are the most vulgar. The most forgettable too.

My close mate getting married next week is genuinely delighted with my gift that I made for him but he and his wife to be are such decent, sound people anyway that they wouldn't be expecting a cent off their friends but rather their company on the day and their friendship. Real friendship can't be measured in monetary terms.

We really could take a leaf out of England's book where weddings are generally a more simple, low key affair.

Solair

Being a bit broke at the moment, I buy a physical present and make sure it's personal, interesting and quirky and ignore all wedding lists and absolutely do not give cash!

My attitude is that I'm there to celebrate your marriage with you.

I am not responsible for your drastic over-spending habits inspired by Hollywood movies and MTV, nor am I responsible for furnishing your home.

If you get in a huff over wedding presents, then you're just revealing to your guests that you're a rather shallow individual who just wants their money and not their friendship.

Muckit

marshbaboon wrote: »

Didn't hire a band, but there was live music.

How do you have live music without a band... ??

opinion guy

Muckit wrote: »

How do you have live music without a band... ??

Invite the cast of Stomp

Motorist

I agree the cost of a wedding can be very high, but thinking about it - it's just a church ceremony and then a hotel reception. I think people expect a decent meal - you would have a decent meal for a birthday, or a colleagues going away party, etc - and then some entertainment after.

It's not all that extravagant, and the typical Irish wedding isn't exactly something you'll see on MTV.

It's unfortunate that a simple day does add so quickly to 15-20K but that just seems to be the reality of the situation. While I detest couples asking for presents or money, I think it's not that much to give around 60 to 75 euro a head. In fairness, if you went out for a meal with your friends or a night out with them, you wouldn't think twice about spending that amount. The line probably starts getting blurred when you're inviting people you haven't seen in years or who you barely know.

saiint

Starla_o0 wrote: »

Loads and loads on this in the wedding forum, but basically it comes down to two things:

1) What you can afford
2) How well you know them

As a couple, myself and the OH give €150, unless it's close family, where we give more.

your invited to my wedding

Colmustard

Jame Gumb wrote: »

I find each one costs us around €1,000.

Two years ago we went to 10.

That's more than €20,000 of income.

When you stand back and analyse it, the whole things a tad nuts.

Easilly I dread getting an invite, when you factor in the stag and the usual B+Bs because of the country wedding trend, the presents the day itself, it can cost a mininmun 500+.

There was 1 year I went to 6 and that year I had no holiday and very little disposable income. People think they are granting you a privilege by giving you an invite and you feel obligated to go.

Another thing is I always hated weddings and I have went to about 40 after the last one in fetard a year ago I announced I am going to no-more.

Motorist

One thing I dont understand is this new trend of turning it into a wedding weekend with a meal out the next night. I think one day is enough.

Motorist

Colmustard wrote: »

Easilly I dread getting an invite, when you factor in the stag and the usual B+Bs because of the country wedding trend, the presents the day itself, it can cost a mininmun 500+.

There was 1 year I went to 6 and that year I had no holiday and very little disposable income. People think they are granting you a privilege by giving you an invite and you feel obligated to go.

Another thing is I always hated weddings and I have went to about 40 after the last one in fetard a year ago I announced I am going to no-more.

What do you mean "country wedding trend"? Should all weddings be held in Dublin or beside where you live?

Colmustard

Motorist wrote: »

What do you mean "country wedding trend"? Should all weddings be held in Dublin or beside where you live?

Well that would help.

Most of the country weddings I attended were people from and living in Dublin.

Jame Gumb

Motorist wrote: »

Colmustard wrote: »

Easilly I dread getting an invite, when you factor in the stag and the usual B+Bs because of the country wedding trend, the presents the day itself, it can cost a mininmun 500+.

There was 1 year I went to 6 and that year I had no holiday and very little disposable income. People think they are granting you a privilege by giving you an invite and you feel obligated to go.

Another thing is I always hated weddings and I have went to about 40 after the last one in fetard a year ago I announced I am going to no-more.

What do you mean "country wedding trend"? Should all weddings be held in Dublin or beside where you live?

Poster probably referring to the trend of couples getting married in places they've no connection with at all (e.g. Dublin couple in Parknasilla). Very costly for guests.

rainbowtrout

Motorist wrote: »

I agree the cost of a wedding can be very high, but thinking about it - it's just a church ceremony and then a hotel reception. I think people expect a decent meal - you would have a decent meal for a birthday, or a colleagues going away party, etc - and then some entertainment after.

It's not all that extravagant, and the typical Irish wedding isn't exactly something you'll see on MTV.

It's unfortunate that a simple day does add so quickly to 15-20K but that just seems to be the reality of the situation. While I detest couples asking for presents or money, I think it's not that much to give around 60 to 75 euro a head. In fairness, if you went out for a meal with your friends or a night out with them, you wouldn't think twice about spending that amount. The line probably starts getting blurred when you're inviting people you haven't seen in years or who you barely know.

The other side of that is that 99% of Irish couples don't think beyond the hotel reception, now with drinks/champagne etc on arrival, meal, band and DJ. Not saying should be complete cheapskates on their wedding, but absolutely outrageous money is spent on one day in this country.

A friend of mine chose to get married in America a few years ago because she knew if they had the big wedding here it would cost an arm and a leg. I was invited to America but she didn't expect me to attend and I couldn't have afforded it anyway. She said her wedding including a honeymoon in America cost 7k, and when they came home they had a party/BBQ in the local pub where they dressed up in wedding dress and suit and had a DJ in the pub and it was great craic. Very casual and everyone still felt like they were someone involved with the wedding because the couple were in their wedding gear.

Weddings don't have to have every frill attached at a cost of 20K, most of which the guests often feel they are paying for with their gifts.

Motorist

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The other side of that is that 99% of Irish couples don't think beyond the hotel reception, now with drinks/champagne etc on arrival, meal, band and DJ. Not saying should be complete cheapskates on their wedding, but absolutely outrageous money is spent on one day in this country.

A friend of mine chose to get married in America a few years ago because she knew if they had the big wedding here it would cost an arm and a leg. I was invited to America but she didn't expect me to attend and I couldn't have afforded it anyway. She said her wedding including a honeymoon in America cost 7k, and when they came home they had a party/BBQ in the local pub where they dressed up in wedding dress and suit and had a DJ in the pub and it was great craic. Very casual and everyone still felt like they were someone involved with the wedding because the couple were in their wedding gear.

Weddings don't have to have every frill attached at a cost of 20K, most of which the guests often feel they are paying for with their gifts.

I agree every frill does add up and is probably unnecessary. I think a meal and a band, maybe a DJ , and the church is not being extravagant though. Maybe the obscene costs add up also with "exclusive" venues which aren't really all that special, I dont know. Or maybe it's just people inviting they everyone they ever met.

The thing about your friend getting married in the US - fair enough she got it cheap, but how much extra cost did that put on the guests did decide to go? You're looking at around 700 euro, maybe more, on flights alone per person.

rainbowtrout

Motorist wrote: »

I agree every frill does add up and is probably unnecessary. I think a meal and a band, maybe a DJ , and the church is not being extravagant though. Maybe the obscene costs add up also with "exclusive" venues which aren't really all that special, I dont know. Or maybe it's just people inviting they everyone they ever met.

The thing about your friend getting married in the US - fair enough she got it cheap, but how much extra cost did that put on the guests did decide to go? You're looking at around 700 euro, maybe more, on flights alone per person.

Herself and her husband paid for their parents and the bridesmaids and groomsmen to go. They went in winter at an off peak time to keep costs down. Nobody was under any pressure to go, and if I had been off work I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I'm not a big fan of having it abroad to keep the cost down, where essentially the cost is transferred to the guests, but in this case the wedding party was very small and as much as possible was covered by the bride and groom.

In terms of the hotel, band, DJ, not saying people shouldn't have these things but there's nothing to stop people having a smaller meal perhaps with immediate family and a party later on that night in a venue (hotel or otherwise). It seemed to be ingrained in people's minds that they have to have a band and a DJ when one or the other might be fine.

tinkerbell

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Herself and her husband paid for their parents and the bridesmaids and groomsmen to go. They went in winter at an off peak time to keep costs down. Nobody was under any pressure to go, and if I had been off work I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I'm not a big fan of having it abroad to keep the cost down, where essentially the cost is transferred to the guests, but in this case the wedding party was very small and as much as possible was covered by the bride and groom.

Well at least your friend paid for their parents and bridal party to go to the wedding. I think it's ridiculous for people to have a wedding abroad and not help the bridal party out because at the end of the day, if you're in the bridal party you HAVE to go to the wedding, whereas if you're strapped for cash as a regular guest, you can decline the invite. Doesn't work the same way with the bridal party.

Motorist

rainbowtrout wrote: »

A friend of mine chose to get married in America a few years ago because she knew if they had the big wedding here it would cost an arm and a leg. I was invited to America but she didn't expect me to attend and I couldn't have afforded it anyway. She said her wedding including a honeymoon in America cost 7k, and when they came home they had a party/BBQ in the local pub where they dressed up in wedding dress and suit and had a DJ in the pub and it was great craic. Very casual and everyone still felt like they were someone involved with the wedding because the couple were in their wedding gear.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Herself and her husband paid for their parents and the bridesmaids and groomsmen to go. They went in winter at an off peak time to keep costs down. Nobody was under any pressure to go, and if I had been off work I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I'm not a big fan of having it abroad to keep the cost down, where essentially the cost is transferred to the guests, but in this case the wedding party was very small and as much as possible was covered by the bride and groom.

In terms of the hotel, band, DJ, not saying people shouldn't have these things but there's nothing to stop people having a smaller meal perhaps with immediate family and a party later on that night in a venue (hotel or otherwise). It seemed to be ingrained in people's minds that they have to have a band and a DJ when one or the other might be fine.

4 parents, couple getting married, say 3 bridal party, 2 groomsmen. That's eleven people. Cheapest possible to the US would be 500 return (I doubt you'd get it at that) 500 x 11 people is €5500. She did well getting the rest of the wedding and a honeymoon in for 1.5K.

rainbowtrout

Motorist wrote: »

4 parents, couple getting married, say 3 bridal party, 2 groomsmen. That's eleven people. Cheapest possible to the US would be 500 return (I doubt you'd get it at that) 500 x 11 people is €5500. She did well getting the rest of the wedding and a honeymoon in for 1.5K.

Well maybe she hadn't all the costs factored in at the time, and really I wasn't about to question it, but I do know she paid for them. Think they went with some sort of group booking and got a deal. Don't really remember now.

rainbowtrout

tinkerbell wrote: »

Well at least your friend paid for their parents and bridal party to go to the wedding. I think it's ridiculous for people to have a wedding abroad and not help the bridal party out because at the end of the day, if you're in the bridal party you HAVE to go to the wedding, whereas if you're strapped for cash as a regular guest, you can decline the invite. Doesn't work the same way with the bridal party.

Totally agree.

Catriona Murray

Ned_led16 wrote: »

Well fekin said - u get married u pay for it!!

cheapskate

bamboozle

we got married abroad, had a no presents policy, but still many people gave generous presents.

what we have done since going through our wedding process is put a wedding card and cheque for 200 in the post 2 to 3 weeks before the wedding.

edit- from looking above - we paid for groomsmen and bridesmaids party flights and for accommodation for the families (still worked out a lot cheaper than an irish wedding even with having free bar for 2 days and other stuff aimed to keep costs down for guests)

Motorist

Motorist wrote: »

One thing I dont understand is this new trend of turning it into a wedding weekend with a meal out the next night. I think one day is enough.

Well I've never been to a meal with the wedding crew the next day but there is always a session the next day or a BBQ back at the house and its always great craic often better than the wedding itself, the cure is usually badly needed after the wedding anyway.

Was at a close friends sisters wedding a few years ago, second night was unreal and was all on the house. More than 100 people back at the parents house of the girl who got married , proper bar setup (Guinness and larger on tap), fully catered and a massive marquee was some craic. We had to get a spare keg of Guinness at the local as we drank 3 of them before the end of the night :eek:

swimming in a sea

I've only been to one wedding and for the record gave €150 from the girlfriend and me, i was going to give 250 but she said that was way to much.

The reception was in a country hotel, the manager of the hotel was on microphone welcoming the couple in the hall kept name dropping his hotel in every sentence, for **** sake we knew where we were, it was pure cringe.

Cee-Jay-Cee

I was at 4 weddings this year, at 3 of them we gave 150. One of them put one of those fuc king 'we have everything please give us money' rhymes in their invitation and so they got a voucher for 100 which TBH was too much as the cheeky feckers were effectively asking their guests to pay for their wedding. I would have refused to go and give nothing at all except it was a family wedding and had to keep the peace and all that ****e.

opinion guy

CJC999 wrote: »

I was at 4 weddings this year, at 3 of them we gave 150. One of them put one of those fuc king 'we have everything please give us money' rhymes in their invitation and so they got a voucher for 100 which TBH was too much as the cheeky feckers were effectively asking their guests to pay for their wedding. I would have refused to go and give nothing at all except it was a family wedding and had to keep the peace and all that ****e.

Yeah the cheek of them not wanting 14 new toasters, 5 new microwaves or a 43rd set of china:rolleyes:

Lighten up - what difference does it make - most people give presents to 'offset the cost of the wedding' anyhow. At least these people are being honest

Cee-Jay-Cee

opinion guy wrote: »

Yeah the cheek of them not wanting 14 new toasters, 5 new microwaves or a 43rd set of china:rolleyes:

Lighten up - what difference does it make - most people give presents to 'offset the cost of the wedding' anyhow. At least these people are being honest

The vast majority of people give money as a gift, there is absolutely no need to ask for it. No one buys microwaves or toasters or crap like that anymore and you know that perfectly well. My point is that because they were so cheeky asking for money then they got less. It's a cheek to even ask for a gift at all, what they're basically saying is 'here is your invite, now give me money to cover the cost of inviting you.'

Weddings have become money spinners these days, most weddings pay for themselves plus more. I was at a wedding where there were 480 guests, it was like a cattle mart. The wedding and honeymoon was fully paid for with the gifts of money and there was enough left over to buy a 2yr old Honda accord which are €16k+

Cienciano

CJC999 wrote: »

The vast majority of people give money as a gift, there is absolutely no need to ask for it. No one buys microwaves or toasters or crap like that anymore and you know that perfectly well. My point is that because they were so cheeky asking for money then they got less. It's a cheek to even ask for a gift at all, what they're basically saying is 'here is your invite, now give me money to cover the cost of inviting you.'

Weddings have become money spinners these days, most weddings pay for themselves plus more. I was at a wedding where there were 480 guests, it was like a cattle mart. The wedding and honeymoon was fully paid for with the gifts of money and there was enough left over to buy a 2yr old Honda accord which are €16k+

Just imagine they got 480 gifts. They'd have to hire a warehouse or a skip to dump all the crap they got.

opinion guy

CJC999 wrote: »

you know that perfectly well

Don't tell me what I know. I've not been closely enough involved with a wedding to know what the vast majority of people give

False Prophet

Basically if you go to a full traditional wedding your suppose to give cash (minimum 100€ for single, 150 for 2 ppl).
If you decline a full wedding invite or go to the afters you should give (25-50€ per person).

The reason you should give money/one4all vouchers over presents is that it is more practical for a newly married couple than stuff that they will never use/value.

It's like rounds in a bar,you give money to their wedding, they return the favour for your wedding/your child communion/confirmation,21st,etc).

The reason i imagine that some ppl feel the need to use a present list/state money only is to prevent people(looks like some are on this thread;)) not giving anything or giving rubbish.

you should give for declining an invite? eh no