My sister

Daisy M

cloud493 wrote: »

I will suggest it to her, but I think my mum will wait till we're back on the mersyside to get anything professional.

So we went to mcdonalds, and we had a little chat. I said 'what's up chick' and she said nothing. So I said, cos you know if there is, you can talk to me about it, I'm not gonna get cross or shout at you or anything like that' and she said whens mum coming home? And I said very very soon we'll go get her together ok? And she said yeah. And she's been a little bit better today. Still looks tired though.

I think my mum will be better at this though, since she has worked/is going back to work for the NHS when we go back to Liverpool, so il discuss it with her when we go get her. Obviously, I think moonbeam had the right point, she was missing my mum, but I do think talking to some nice professional people could do her good. I'm much more 'in the loop' so to speak now then I was 2 years ago, so I'l be able to put my word in.

And as I said, its easy to look at my mum putting my sister in boarding school and condemn it, but I know her, my mum and my sister. My mum was really shaken up by everything that happened, she thought it'd be better for my sister to be in England than Ireland. I honestly don't know why we came here in the first place, and I'm sure we didn't intend to stay long as we have. But I know she's a good mum, I love her, my sister loves her

And thanks for all the constructive input so far, really appreciated

Obviously you have all been through a difficult time and you seem under the impression that your mum was dealing with it as best she could and there was no neglect intended but your sis was let down. I am relieved that you realise some form of professional help is needed and you will approach your mum. She sounds as though she has been struggling very badly and made some bad decisions because of this, have you anyother siblings you can get on board to help?

cloud493

I do, but she's in England too. So, everything will revolve around the return, basically, hopefully should be before the end of the year.

Moonbeam

Is your mother seriously ill?
WIth out been mean does she suffer from mental health problems?
Sorry to hear about your dad but hopefully you and your mother are dealing with it.
Maybe people have found out her daddy is in jail and are bullying her about it?
Is your lil sis back to her normal school in Sept but home for the summer with you now?
Boarding school cost so much money esp at primary level so I can only understand the financial stress that this is causing.
Everyone has their own reasons for boarding school and I would not hold that agains't them once the best for the child is their intentions but a that age leaving the country and leavig the poor kid on her own is what would cause more issues.

cloud493

No not really, she has a lot of health problems. She's in right now with a blood clot in her knee, related to DVT? Something to do with blood?
No she only chose that school cos it offered boarding, now she'll be going to a school in Liverpool.

caprilicious

Sounds like you're doing a great job for your sister under the circumstances.

I would imagine it is very unsettling for her moving schools/Country/Home & your mum not being around.
Hopefully your mum will be home and well very soon & having you both around will give your sister a bit of reassurance and consistency in her life.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm a little confused. Is your mam in hospital in Ireland or the UK? Has your sister seen her at all?

I don't think abuse should be your first thought, just because your sister is upset.

She is only 8 and it would seem she doesn't have a very stable home life. I'm not saying its deliberate, but from your post it DOES seem to be a bit all over the place.

At 8 years of age, kids imaginations run wild. In boarding school she might be upset thinking she did something wrong to be sent away. (she may have come to this conclusion by herself, or may have heard another child talking)

Or she may miss her friends.

Or she may miss her school.

Or she may be worried about going to a new school.

Or she may miss her mam.

Or she may think her mam really doesn't want her.

Or she may miss the family she was staying with....

Etc... Etc... Etc...

There is any amount of reasons why she might be upset. I do think though that you are in over your head. How long is she staying with you? When will she see her mam? You need to be honest with her.. not fob her off with 'soon'. Find out a day/date. Mark it on the calendar and show it to her.

Has she spoken to your mam yet? You are very good to look after her, and I'm sure she loves you... But you're not who she wants right now.

cloud493

My mum is in the beaumount, in Dublin. Not yet no, probably won't now, since she'll be out either tomorrow or today. We are in my mums house, my mum will be home on the weekend.

I know I'm not a parent really, she wants her mum. But I do love her a lot, and I spend a lot of time with her, and I'm concerned, you know.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you not bring her to visit her? Is there a reason that she can't go to the hospital to see her?

I have no doubt that you love her and want to help, and in the circumstances now, you are doing the best you can.

Make her time here fun. That doesn't mean you have to spend loads of money, by the way! I don't think there is anything terribly 'wrong' with you sister, apart from being a bit confused and upset by all the commotion of the last while. You're not her social worker, so don't take on that role. You should both be enjoying yourselves. Build up her trust and confidence in you, and if there is something wrong she may be able to tell you.

But I think once things settle down and she is back to the stable routine of school, she will also settle down.

cloud493

There's no physical reason, I just thought it might upset her more.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think so. Unless your mam is very very unwell and wouldn't be awake/able to speak to her etc. I can't see why it would upset your sister.

But from what you say, your mam is probably going to be discharged soon , so I take it she's up to having visitors. I'm surprised your mam hasn't suggested bringing her in?

cloud493

Well she was the one that said not to bring her in, cos it'd upset her. And I didn't think she'd be in there as long as she has, its been 2 weeks.

Is it still worth it taking her? Specially if she's getting out in 48 hours.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes, it is worth bringing her in. 48 hours is a LONG time for a little girl (and it's been longer than that for her at this stage!)

She is upset. She has told you she misses her mam. Bringing her in to see her will mean that you have a much happier little girl tomorrow. Make a big deal out of buying a few magazines and a packet of sweets (that can be shared;)!)

She is 8 - she misses her mam, and because she hasn't seen her (and hasn't really been given a sufficient reason why) she's probably making up her own version of what is happening - and it's all bad in her head!

cloud493

That is true. Very very true, I didn't think of it like that. Ok. if she's not getting out tomorrow, we'll go see her. If she is, we'll go get her together, and get a nice meal to eat together on the way back.

molly09

Hi Cloud493

fair play to you been so concerned for your little sis, I am sure at 19 and with the difficult family life you seem to have had you have your own stuff to deal with also, that this has not been easy. you need to acknowledge all you have been through also and seek any assistance that you may need.

Maybe as your dad has gone away to prision and may not be coming back to your lives for a whilem if ever and now your mum is in hospital and although thankfully will be coming home soon; maybe your little sis needs some concrete evidence that her mum is actually coming home. I hope that makes sense but a 8 yr old can need more concrete evidence that saying "mum will be home by the weekend".

Although your dad obviously did something wrong to end up in prision and maybe whatever he did was enough for you and your mum not to repect him or miss him anymore but for a 8 year old he is still her dad and and she probably has no concept or knowledge of what he did wrong. She may still miss him and wonder why she cant see him anymore.

This is a very difficult situation but its great that your mum is not seriously ill and that the three of ye are together in the one crountry.
Life throws each of us a lot of ****, some worse than other and all we can do is try to deal with it at the time with the best of teh ability at that time.
Of course some may think boarding school is not suitable for a young child of 6 but no one here knows the circumstances so may it was the safest place for that little girl. It is very unfair to judge others peoples situations EVEN knowing the full story.

Orion

MIRMIR82 wrote: »

seems like you care for your sister more than your parents do....i honestly feel like crying after reading the situation.

pontia wrote: »

sounds to far fetched to be true ,doesent add up

pontia wrote: »

jesus,6 year old sent to boarding school.stuff like that will resurface when older

We will have no more judgemental comments like the above. Answer the ops concerns or don't post. Judging is not helpful and will be looked on poorly

cloud493 wrote: »

Well she was the one that said not to bring her in, cos it'd upset her. And I didn't think she'd be in there as long as she has, its been 2 weeks.

Is it still worth it taking her? Specially if she's getting out in 48 hours.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips. She may just want to see her mother. A kid of 8 has a wild imagination (I have 2 - trust me on this). Let her see her mother and it can't not help.

cloud493

So, she's been a little better this morning. I told her we'd be going to pick mum up later, then we were going out for tea, and she was excited and she's been a lot better. Have to see how the day goes mind, but its a step up.

Big Bag of Chips

Make sure you keep that promise. Even if your mam doesn't get discharged today, you still need to bring your sister to see her.

(Now get ready for... "Are we going yet?", "When are we going?", "Is it nearly time to go?".....!!)

up for anything

OP, my reading on the whole situation is that your sister is somewhere close to a breaking point for her. Children accept family traditions as normal very easily even when they see other people have a different way of doing things and in fact can feel quite proud of being out of the ordinary.

Your sister accepted boarding school at an early age, staying with family friends rather than being at home. I presume she knows her father has gone to prison and has taken that on board and she will know that your mother has struggled even if it's been hidden from her. Children are not stupid, far from it.

Someone here suggested that maybe she feels like she's lost her home. I think that that is probably very much the case - the one source of stability in her life is now ended and I doubt judging from some of the things you've said that anybody has ever sat her down and fully explained things to her. You're probably too close to the situation to see it. When you collected her from the airport she should have been taken straight to the hospital to see her mother. Has she been staying at her friend's knowing that her mother is sick and in hospital without it being explained to her what is wrong?

Now she is back here and presumably knows that you will all be heading back to the UK in a few months. Two things here, she will I assume be attending school here for those months before you move and then she will be in different school when you move back there, therefore she has not only the loss of one half of her stability to cope with but the thoughts of two new schools to contend with, a move back to the UK, plus your mother being sick. That would be enough to place anyone on the verge of meltdown.

Perhaps when your mother is out of hospital and without waiting an extended period of time for her to be back on her feet, you both need to sit down with your sister and explain things openly and in full to her answering any questions that she has about her future.

Our family tradition was boarding school the September you turned four. I liked my school as much as any child might - there were bad times of course but in general it was fine. I accepted it as the way my family did things even though every day I sat in a class of 29 other children who went home to their families at 3pm while I went back to the main school. It was my normality and I didn't question it.

When I was eight though my mindset changed and I suddenly wanted out and home (at this stage my parents had moved back to this country so it was an option although one never offered to me). I used a scene out of a book I'd read (Heidi - the one where she's in Frankfurt and is overheard praying out loud that she can go home to the mountain for those of you familiar with the story) when my mother came to visit one Sunday - making damn sure that my mother and the Rev Mother overhead me (manipulative little sod that I was). The Rev Mother convinced my mother to leave me for another while in case it was a temporary thing. I spent the next year pushing to leave and was allowed when I was 9. I went back though willingly when I was 12. I never mentioned the Heidi scene to my mother and she never mentioned her side of it until I was in my mid-teens.

I'm telling you this so that you are aware that children of 8 are well able to reason things out, to listen, plan, understand and take a few 'hard knocks' at that age.

Talk to the child. Tell her why things are as they are? Let her ask questions, answer them as if she were 40 rather than giving the expurgated version, and don't hide stuff from her. Once she has all the facts she might be able to make sense of her place in the world.

Most importantly, take her to see her mother today, especially if she is not coming home till tomorrow. The anxiety must be killing her.

cloud493

So, a lot better. We got my mum from the hospital, she was pretty... whats the word, ecstatic? Brilliant it was she was still clingy, in the hospital, and when we went to mcdonalds, didn't go far from me but thats ok. Lot happier

Sleepy

cloud493, I think it's already been alluded to in the thread but: fair play. You're a great big brother.

cloud493

She means a whole lot to me. I've been in a really bad place the past few years, still not in the place I'd like to be really, but whenever I think of doing anything silly, so to speak, I always think of her, and I stop. I don't want her to grow up, and have to hear about the big brother who killed himself, or the big brother who.. you know.

She's really very perceptive, its mad :P

cloud493

So, my mums gone the hospital, cos her leg was hurting, and she felt sick, so she went. Now I can't get my sister into bed, she wants to wait up for mum.

Daisy M

cloud493 wrote: »

So, my mums gone the hospital, cos her leg was hurting, and she felt sick, so she went. Now I can't get my sister into bed, she wants to wait up for mum.

She is obviously worried, can you maybe make a little bed for her on the couch and stick on a dvd to distract her, tell her when she falls asleep you will carry her to bed. Ask your mum to keep you updated by text but prepare your sister that it could be hours before your mam is seen as there are always queues in accident and emergency.

cloud493

Im just letting her stay up, turned down the lights, she's got her head on the sofa cushion. Hopefully she'll fall asleep