Socially inept people

--Kaiser--

Lantus wrote: »

Wrong, everyone is a product of their environment.

If you grow up in the deep south of america you have a southern accent and speak about oher racial groups in a certain manner.

If you were to grow up in nazi germany you would salute and believe that germany was above all others.

The problems in our society IMO are all environmental. No one is born with shyness or any other deficiency, they are learned, adopted and reflected in to us by our families, friends and society at large. One poster mentioned nature vs nurture, no such thing.

This is one of the most retarded posts I've read on AH (and that's saying something). I literally don't know where to begin

neemish

Yup Teddy, you're talking about me. I miss cues in conversations, manage to end perfectly good chats (and threads!), don't always get the joke. I'm told its not stupidity, part of a learning disorder of some kind. And I was always the same. I was an awkward kid and now I'm an awkward adult. I don't mean to do it. Honestly!
I'm better than I used to be but have to work incredibly hard to make the simplest social situations work. Socialising just doesn't appeal to me. I'm happier at home than going out, even to dinner or to the cinema.


Please don't add to my paranoia by not replying!

midlandsmissus

TeddyTedson wrote: »

What's with socially inept people? How are they so out touch with the majority of people that they have major difficulties communicating the simplest of things? I'm not talking about quiet or shy people here. But people how might have been in school, college or work with you who nobody could ever get.

I work with someone who is great at their job in a lot of ways and very intelligent. However them being socially inept basically makes them useless if they have to work with someone else together on something.
Their communication skills are utterly dire.

I actually think people like this need to be sent on course on how to work with people. They generally don't lack confidence or anything either in my experiences.
Socialising with them is often full of cringe worthy moments.
Is it nature or nurture?

Socially inept people come from horribly abusive families. It's hard to go in and be smily and friendly in school for example when you're suffering extreme stress and worry at home.

christmas2012

social ineptness can be for many different reasons,its easy to judge a person,its harder to walk in their shoes,they could have had a hard time at school with bullying or bullying in the workplace,they could have grown up in a time where expressing yourself was frowned upon etc..others have social anxieties and fears of big crowds and get panic attacks,its not usually just one reason why either

midlandsmissus

neemish wrote: »

Yup Teddy, you're talking about me. I miss cues in conversations, manage to end perfectly good chats (and threads!), don't always get the joke. I'm told its not stupidity, part of a learning disorder of some kind. And I was always the same. I was an awkward kid and now I'm an awkward adult. I don't mean to do it. Honestly!
I'm better than I used to be but have to work incredibly hard to make the simplest social situations work. Socialising just doesn't appeal to me. I'm happier at home than going out, even to dinner or to the cinema.


Please don't add to my paranoia by not replying!

Exactly - some people just can't do it.

I can write perfectly, and in some social situations am absolutely fine - not a bother, but sometimes I've been in groups who were all making lighthearted small talk, and think 'I really wish I could do that so easily!' Just can never think of anything to say - or don't have the confidence to join in.

We grew up quite isolated - so I know that's why - my conversation abilities were just never developed as well as some other people.

Don't judge other people! They more as likely than not come from a **** background.

neemish

Hmmm...but that's your experience and not mine. I don't think we can all be lumped in together quite so easily

midlandsmissus

neemish wrote: »

Hmmm...but that's your experience and not mine. I don't think we can all be lumped in together quite so easily

Fair enough - some people who are socially inept come from a not great bakground, and never had the chance to develop their social skills properly

Did you say you were told yours were part of a learning disorder?

Wibbs

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Some Socially inept people come from horribly abusive families.

FYP M. I've known socially inept people from perfectly fine families and backgrounds. I've seen really extreme examples among siblings that were "normal". When I say "socially inept" I'm not just speaking of shy introverts, but oblivious to others extroverts too. Basically people who don't quite "get" the general social protocols and other people.

midlandsmissus

I also don't want to stereotpye the other way.

I went to counselling for a period about a different matter, and I said to my counsellor 'Im also really shy in certain situtions and can never think of anything to say' as I wanted help with it. And was saying 'you know some other people can do it so easily, they're always talking away, super confident, bla bla'

And she said - 'you wouldn't believe the amount of people I get in to me who say 'I'm the life and soul of the party, but no-one knows what I'm really like - I'm terrified, miserable and upset inside all the time'. And these people were going to her because they were upset they could never let people see the real them.

You never really know whats going on with people - everyone has problems - as long as we all try to help each other!

ejmaztec

With some people it's dumb insolence.

neemish

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Fair enough - some people who are socially inept come from a not great bakground, and never had the chance to develop their social skills properly

Did you say you were told yours were part of a learning disorder?

Ya, hard to explain as I don't have a "diagnosis" - more tendencies towards being a certain way. Thats what I was told anyway. And one of the big surprises for the tester was that I really didn't get the social stuff. He thought I was great craic, but it turned out that I didn't have a clue what was going on in social situations and was trying to hide it

midlandsmissus

Wibbs wrote: »

FYP M. I've known socially inept people from perfectly fine families and backgrounds. I've seen really extreme examples among siblings that were "normal". When I say "socially inept" I'm not just speaking of shy introverts, but oblivious to others extroverts too. Basically people who don't quite "get" the general social protocols and other people.

That must be a form of autism/ aspergers.

There could be loads of reasons really.

Anyway People like this should be pitied not scorned. At my worst moments Ive found it extremely isolating to not be able to join in a conversation. When you can't make a bond with another person it's not a nice thing. You feel like a freak - why can everyone else do this so easily.

Imagine people who have to work at this all the time.

Teyla Emmagan

Weird people aren't so bad. They can be way better company in fact than plenty of 'normal' people.

TeddyTedson

Wibbs wrote: »

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Some Socially inept people come from horribly abusive families.

FYP M. I've known socially inept people from perfectly fine families and backgrounds. I've seen really extreme examples among siblings that were "normal". When I say "socially inept" I'm not just speaking of shy introverts, but oblivious to others extroverts too. Basically people who don't quite "get" the general social protocols and other people.

I think Wibbs and I are talking about the same thing.

I'm also not referring to people who may be in one way or another awkward in social situations. But as Wibbs says, rather people who just don't get social protocols. I find they tend to be more out going actually.

I was originally asking if people beloved these people develop in this way or are they destined from birth to be like this?

That clip someone posted of Alan Partridge dealing with the two Irish lads showcases it perfectly. They complain about the atmosphere of the hotel and Alan feels the need to slag off the waitress constantly in totally the wrong context.

Johro

Yup there's plenty of people who seem to suffer from a lack of awareness of the people around them.

TeddyTedson

Also I very much doubt the people I'm referring are even aware of it so anyone who feels like I'm referring to them as they maybe shy or something stop fretting.

Johro

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Also I very much doubt the people I'm referring are even aware of it so anyone who feels like I'm referring to them as they maybe shy or something stop fretting.

Yeah I already have, as I was aware of that.

marcsignal

TeddyTedson wrote: »

I actually think people like this need to be sent on course on how to work with people. They generally don't lack confidence or anything either in my experiences.
Socialising with them is often full of cringe worthy moments.
Is it nature or nurture?

Oh Teddy, I could tell you a horror story about a 'space invader' who winkled his way into my social group about a year ago, and was soon followed by his alcoholic volatile sidekick.

If this guy had had even one endearing quality, it would have died of loneliness.

This loser had the mental age of a 9 year old. Inappropriate comments, farting loudly and laughing, 'touching up' the ladies in the group and considering it 'just having a laugh', and the list goes on. To say he was cringeworthy would be the mother of all understatements.

It all eventually ended, with me throwing a full pint all over him, and moving to another pub with the core group.

Brain Stroking

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Also I very much doubt the people I'm referring are even aware of it so anyone who feels like I'm referring to them as they maybe shy or something stop fretting.

Easy on the pop psychology Teddy. Your OP shows you arent that enlightened on this subject so i wouldnt start second-guessing people.

Latchy

Socially inept people are the ones who in order to make a good impression look down their noses at people while excepting others ( ones they are trying to impress ) to agree with them ,which usually means they make no impression at all .These Walter Mitty types pop up everywhere and to be avoided at all costs

Wibbs

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Also I very much doubt the people I'm referring are even aware of it so anyone who feels like I'm referring to them as they maybe shy or something stop fretting.

Well given the problem is they don't read others so well, for whatever reason, they may well not understand that they're acting in such a manner. I've found such people tend to filter everything through themselves first, how they feel, how they think and project that unto others. More than "average" people anyway. So they can become confused when faced with people outside of their worldview. Some introverts through this self reflection can even be quite aggressively disparaging of extroverts.

As for the nature/nurture thing? I reckon it's a little from column A and a little from column B. At the extremes it's nature IMHO. People who are incredibly introverted(all the way through to asbergers etc) or who cant read people so well is an inbuilt thing and people who are incredibly extroverted who can read people well the same. Obviously huge generalisation alert.

I'd add though and of course in my humble, some end up this way as adults because they didn't get the right practice at the right life phase. Dog owners will tell you that dogs who aren't socialised with other dogs and people have a harder time adjusting as adults. I'm not saying people are dogs! :eek::D but I do think there are life phases that can be missed and if so will lead to less socialised adults, especially in the modern western world(midlandmissus' reference to kids from awful families would be just one example). Its a lot easier to be a "loner" today than in the past. You can damn near live your life out while keeping a social distance. The stereotypical "nerd" online with no offline human contact kinda thing. I can see that getting worse too.

TeddyTedson

Brain Stroking wrote: »

TeddyTedson wrote: »

Also I very much doubt the people I'm referring are even aware of it so anyone who feels like I'm referring to them as they maybe shy or something stop fretting.

Easy on the pop psychology Teddy. Your OP shows you arent that enlightened on this subject so i wouldnt start second-guessing people.

I'm not guessing though. Someone said I was referring to hem and then went on to explain how they get awkward in certain social situations.

fishy fishy

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Socially inept people come from horribly abusive families. It's hard to go in and be smily and friendly in school for example when you're suffering extreme stress and worry at home.

that can be one person't story - but then again a person with the same experience can go in and be the life and soul of the party, while being sad inside.

you cannot judge everybody by one experience.

its great that if somebody is "different" you can then judge them from a "higher ground". Get over it Ted, move on - everyone has their own way of survival - who's to say your's is less "weird".

TeddyTedson

fishy fishy wrote: »

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Socially inept people come from horribly abusive families. It's hard to go in and be smily and friendly in school for example when you're suffering extreme stress and worry at home.

that can be one person't story - but then again a person with the same experience can go in and be the life and soul of the party, while being sad inside.

you cannot judge everybody by one experience.

its great that if somebody is "different" you can then judge them from a "higher ground". Get over it Ted, move on - everyone has their own way of survival - who's to say your's is less "weird".

You're being overly defensive about all of this. I think you're still misinterpreting my point.
My original question was were such individuals a product of their environment or is it down to genetics?
I actually agree with people who have been saying such people may be undiagnosed with autism or something similar anyway. Not necessarily autism. I have thought this before myself also.

[-0-]

They're called moderators.

st3veebee

I thikn it all really boils down to finding a shared interest to talk about. I'm definitely more of an introvert and have found that when i talk to others it can be incredibly awkward , stilted conversation until someone brings up a topic I have interest in.

Making horrible small talk with people for nearly an hour until I bring up a certain film, game, currentnews etc. and suddenly they?i won't shut up!

marcsignal

TeddyTedson wrote: »

You're being overly defensive about all of this. I think you're still misinterpreting my point.
My original question was were such individuals a product of their environment or is it down to genetics?
I actually agree with people who have been saying such people may be undiagnosed with autism or something similar anyway. Not necessarily autism. I have thought this before myself also.

Well in my case, the 'pathetic excuse for a human being' we were blighted with for nearly 5 months, was a product of his environment. Rich family, spoilt rotten from the day he was born, arrogant, pig ignorant, would think nothing of interjecting in a private conversation, and cutting you off mid sentence, because the subject matter was beyond his intellectual comprehension. He usually did this, changing the subject, to ask something mundane like:"Did you see O'Gara's kick on Sunday??" or "Would you ride Sarah Palin?"

His alco sidekick actually tried to infer that this guy 'had problems' but his attempts to make excuses for him, were, to say the least, coolly received by the majority of the group.

In short, if you looked up 'arsehole' in the dictionary, it said "See Him"

neemish

Teddy, I'd love to see what answers you would get if you posted this over in psychology!

But here we are in AH, so here's what I think - it's a bit of both nature and nurture. If you're a naturally shy person who then has a difficult early life, social etiquette isn't going to be up to scratch. What our natural inclinations are are exacerbated one way or the other by our life experience.
I think of a child I know who is exactly like me, she's like a clone! and was like that from the day she was born. But her mother treats her in a completely different way to how my mother treated me. And that kid is growing into one of the most contented, social butterflys. I hate to sit on the fence but i think its a case of nature+nuture=the whole person

Undiscovered

phenotype = genotype + environment

/thread

fishy fishy

TeddyTedson wrote: »

You're being overly defensive about all of this. I think you're still misinterpreting my point.
My original question was were such individuals a product of their environment or is it down to genetics?
I actually agree with people who have been saying such people may be undiagnosed with autism or something similar anyway. Not necessarily autism. I have thought this before myself also.

dont' mean to be - I suppose your comment about sending them to classes was so silly that I had to reply (IMO)

also bear in mind - just because people are different to you or you cannot understand them does NOT mean that there is something wrong with them. They could have aspergets, or whatever, - that doesn't make them any different but they could also just be awkward - so what.

Remember a LOT of people were locked up for a lifetime in institutions for the simple fact that somebody decided they weren't "normal" or didn't act like every else. When in fact they were probably a hell of a lot smarter than the regular person.

They don't need to go to class to fit in with you or anybody - you just have to be a bit more openminded I guess (no offense or defense intended).

TeddyTedson

fishy fishy wrote: »

TeddyTedson wrote: »

You're being overly defensive about all of this. I think you're still misinterpreting my point.
My original question was were such individuals a product of their environment or is it down to genetics?
I actually agree with people who have been saying such people may be undiagnosed with autism or something similar anyway. Not necessarily autism. I have thought this before myself also.

dont' mean to be - I suppose your comment about sending them to classes was so silly that I had to reply (IMO)

also bear in mind - just because people are different to you or you cannot understand them does NOT mean that there is something wrong with them. They could have aspergets, or whatever, - that doesn't make them any different but they could also just be awkward - so what.

Remember a LOT of people were locked up for a lifetime in institutions for the simple fact that somebody decided they weren't "normal" or didn't act like every else. When in fact they were probably a hell of a lot smarter than the regular person.

They don't need to go to class to fit in with you or anybody - you just have to be a bit more openminded I guess (no offense or defense intended).

Well yea the point about sending them on classes was over the top but I was trying to emphasise how counter productive such people can be in a workplace.

ItsNoAlias

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Exactly - some people just can't do it.

I can write perfectly, and in some social situations am absolutely fine - not a bother, but sometimes I've been in groups who were all making lighthearted small talk, and think 'I really wish I could do that so easily!' Just can never think of anything to say - or don't have the confidence to join in.

We grew up quite isolated - so I know that's why - my conversation abilities were just never developed as well as some other people.

Don't judge other people! They more as likely than not come from a **** background.

Small talk is the most difficult kind of talk. I always feel like screaming "WHO THE *&%# CARES?" and walking away. I am very socially inept, people used to mistake it for being an arsehole but i think my current group of mates get it

FizzleSticks

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