Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Your tone wasn't? You know nothing about me, who is or isn't going to my wedding, but feel perfectly qualified to say they won't enjoy it? That's one of the bitchiest things I've read on this forum and I feel really sorry for you that you've become so bitter on the subject.

Actually, I said that it doesn't really matter what happens at the celebration, some people are just sick of them! So, no, it wasn't a comment on you, it's was on weddings in this country. Whereas your comment was focussed on me, the individual. So, if you think I was bitchy, well, you outdid me. Well done.

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?!

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.

Yup.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

If it's a cookie-cutter Irish wedding, there will be people there like this. So, pretty much every wedding then.

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

amdublin

Diddler1977 wrote: »

I would say most men that I know HATE weddings and are dragged under duress by their partners.

Yep this is true for me too!

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

I'm actually OK with this idea. Was this comment supposed to be upsetting?

El_Dangeroso

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Ah c'mon do you seriously think that every single person who will be at your wedding really wants to be there?! .

Yeah, they do, shocking eh? I didn't give people +1's for the sake of it, so no partners being dragged along either.

Quorum wrote: »

Actually, I said that it doesn't really matter what happens at the celebration, some people are just sick of them! So, no, it wasn't a comment on you, it's was on weddings in this country. Whereas your comment was focussed on me, the individual. So, if you think I was bitchy, well, you outdid me. Well done.

Now you're back-peddling, you made the comment about my wedding specifically, you brought it to the personal level, I reflected your exact point back at you, so it's good that you can see the bitchiness in it now I suppose.

amdublin

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

Yeah all sounds great. I hope you have a lovely day.,

Now please don't get caught up in what gifts you do and do not get. More important to have people there enjoying themselves!

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

I'm actually OK with this idea. Was this comment supposed to be upsetting?

Nope, but I can see now why you feel the way you do about weddings.

amdublin

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Yeah, they do, shocking eh? I didn't give people +1's for the sake of it, so no partners being dragged along either.

So no men at your wedding at all

:rolleyes:

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Now you're back-peddling, you made the comment about my wedding specifically, you brought it to the personal level, I reflected your exact point back at you, so it's good that you can see the bitchiness in it now I suppose.

Nope, just going by numbers, not everyone there will have a great time at your wedding, because it's a wedding and LOTS of people dislike them. Maybe your guest-list will be an anomaly and you won't have anyone like this at it. I doubt it though.

You made some bitterness comment above too. No bitterness here, I've always known I wanted a private wedding. Big weddings aren't done in my family and I can't see the sense in them at all.

Diddler1977

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Nice sense of superiority there with the term 'cookie-cutter', which it is isn't by the way, it's very small as I want only people who will enjoy the day to be there. But even for those who do have that kind of day, I hope only people who want to be there and will enjoy celebrating with the couple attend.

It's pretty much the equivalent of saying your day will be purely a soulless, administrative exercise devoid of all romance because you just walk in to an office sign some documents without friends or family to share it with you. See how that feels reflected back?

OK for your wedding you have invited people who you hope will want to be there (all good intentions).
Unfortunately there is a high chance that there will be guests who won't be enjoying themselves eg. as I said before most men hate weddings but they will be dragged along by their partners

On the other hand you can guarantee that the two people who choose to go along to the registry office and get married on their own will ertainly enjoy themselves.

In other words, you can only be ensured of your own enjoyment.

El_Dangeroso

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah all sounds great. I hope you have a lovely day.,

Now please don't get caught up in what gifts you do and do not get. More important to have people there enjoying themselves!

Absolutely! We have it all paid for up front. One of my friends is singing us a song for our present and I am looking forward to this most of all I think!

El_Dangeroso

amdublin wrote: »

So no men at your wedding at all

:rolleyes:

No men enjoy weddings ever? Really?

Quorum wrote: »

Nope, just going by numbers, not everyone there will have a great time at your wedding, because it's a wedding and LOTS of people dislike them. Maybe your guest-list will be an anomaly and you won't have anyone like this at it. I doubt it though.

You made some bitterness comment above too. No bitterness here, I've always known I wanted a private wedding. Big weddings aren't done in my family and I can't see the sense in them at all.

I'm sorry but that's the fault of the people who go. I don't go to things I don't plan to enjoy. I don't spend money to be bored and do things I don't enjoy. I don't understand why this is such a radical idea.

Again you are making presumptions you know nothing about. I don't expect everyone will have the best day of their life, but I think they will have fun. Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

Quorum

Diddler1977 wrote: »

On the other hand you can guarantee that the two people who choose to go along to the registry office and get married on their own will ertainly enjoy themselves.

Bingo. This is it, right here.

AoifeCork

Interesting thread... OP, I would agree with some of the posters above, you need to address the issue if it is really going to affect your relationship with the 2 friends. Now on the flip side, you may ask yourself; is a present (or lack thereof) really a reason to fall out/start a row with 2 people who you obviously care for very much for if their failure to send a wedding gift upset you so much in the first place? It's a case of if you don't feel close enough with them to say it to them first-hand, then you really shouldn't mind that much if even a "small card and gesture" wasn't given on their behalf.

What I'm trying to say is, if its the principle of the situation, address it and get it off your chest. If it's a case of money or materialism... well then I can't agree with you in a country where people are quietly going hungry in order to pay their mortgage and save face.. They shared your day with you,probably spent a lot of money getting there and on the day. That, in my eyes, should really be enough for any bride and groom.

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

How do you know people don't feel duty-bound to go? Seriously? Do you think they'd tell you? I also don't believe you'll never feel duty-bound yourself to attend something you weren't pushed about at some stage in your life.

sweeney1971

MarieClaire78 wrote: »

Hi All,
Views wanted please....

My hubbies and I got married last year, really pushed the boat out to make is a fab day for family and friends (6 courses, loads of champers, subsidised rates for the hotel). We wanted to make it a really celebratory day and it was. We had a fantastic time. Most of our family and guests were extremely generous in gifting but I am really annoyed by two female friends (one who I see/have coffee with every day at work) who have never given us a gift. Its just over a year since we married.

Shes not at all this way with all her friends and in fact spent part of this week telling me about a gift for her sisters birthday. I've been gritting teeth but it really is annoying me and genuinely getting to me. These two girls claim to be "close friends", there is no financial pressures in any of their lives yet they seems shameless re not having given us a gift. It was mentioned one in a "must bring it in" way months ago and has conveniently been forgotten.

I could never do this to someone and would be genuinely mortified- its just not how I'm brought up. We were always told not to have our hands hanging and our parents and family are very kind.

The colleague/friend one I don't see every day ( works in an office down the country)had come to me to ask a number of favours since the wedding which just feels cheeky.

And to top it off, another well to do friend had just dropped over a set of clearly "recycled form their own wedding" cheap crystal glasses. My hubbie and I gave them €300 for their wedding two years ago...... He let slip last week recently that they earn €160k between them and arent at all in financial pressure.....it just seems so mean ( their food /each cost €140 on the day and was lavish!)

I know money is not a barometer of friendship, but it really feels like it at the moment. My husband and I always err on the side of generosity with others but as my mother says "eaten bread is soon forgotten". This really has tainted my view of these 3 friends- and I can seem to reframe my friendship with them afterwards. I just dont feel they value us or our feelings, am I wrong to be so annoyed? Cant seem to get over this.

I would not want you as a friend, you sound so shallow, judging friendships by what they gave or did not give you as a wedding present. Sounds to me you only got married for the fanfare and presents.
Friendships are NOT judged on gifts.

'You can fill a Church with your friends, but only fill the pulpit with your real friends'

amdublin

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Again you are making presumptions you know nothing about. I don't expect everyone will have the best day of their life, but I think they will have fun. Maybe because feeling duty bound to go to an event, pretend to have fun, then bitch about it later isn't the done thing in my family.

Leave out the bitching about it later and sure you'll never know!
You're just presuming/thinking they will have fun. No guarantee of this whatsoever.

Diddler is right: you can only guarantee the b&g will.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

How do you know people don't feel duty-bound to go? Seriously? Do you think they'd tell you? I also don't believe you'll never feel duty-bound yourself to attend something you weren't pushed about at some stage in your life.

Because I have pretty much up front stated that if you don't want to come that's fine! Everyone who knows me knows I'm cool with stuff like that. I don't know what other out you can give people. After that it's kind of up to them.

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

amdublin

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Because I have pretty much up front stated that if you don't want to come that's fine! Everyone who knows me knows I'm cool with stuff like that. I don't know what other out you can give people. After that it's kind of up to them.

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

I really get the sense you feel quite superior about what you are doing though.

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I really do get the sense you feel quite superior doing the private thing though. That if the couple are the only people there it's somehow more special?

Maybe I do feel superior, who knows? I personally would feel it's more special with it just being the two of it, surely that's no surprise. That's a big part of its charm, coupled with the fact that I would find the exchanging of vows a very personal thing. Two stranger being present is grand, they don't know me.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I'll leave it at that now. But I would say please stop going to weddings you don't want to go to. Your doing yourself and the couple a disservice going to the expense and hassle otherwise.

No can do. Guess I better go and locate a backbone...

Diddler1977

I've lost track, El Danger are you having the "cookie cutter" wedding or not?

El_Dangeroso

amdublin wrote: »

I really get the sense you feel quite superior about what you are doing though.

Nope, just can't stand the hypocrisy of whinging about present expectations while at the same time going along with the whole thing.

My one and only point before this got dragged down to a personal level by Quarom, was that complaining about weddings in Ireland changes nothing.

What will change things is when 250 are invited and then maybe 50 go, then weddings will become what you complain they are not now.

I know some people who get married abroad just to whitle it down to the true people they want there. Of course ye'd all still say half of them didn't want to go anyway.

Madam_X

People don't have to go to weddings just because their partners are going - if they have no choice though, then they could try to make the best of attending a happy occasion with nice food, drink, new people... instead of being negative about it. I'd bet the vast majority of people who get married don't invite people simply to make up numbers, despite the conspiracy theory that they do. Often people getting married feel *obliged* to invite partners etc too - but it is up to the latter to politely decline the invite.
I definitely do think though that it's unreasonable of people (usually women it seems) to drag their partner whom they're not even seeing that long to a wedding where the partner knows nobody and the guest knows plenty - just to show everyone they have a partner. I think the partner has the right to put the foot down in those instances if they really don't want to go.

Personally though, I always enjoy weddings, any kind, and even of those I don't know well - and I'm atheist and don't like the Grease Megamix, Abba etc or the dancing. But there's plenty of other things about a wedding to enjoy. I absolutely love the weddings of close friends/family.

amdublin

Diddler1977 wrote: »

I've lost track, El Danger are you having the "cookie cutter" wedding or not?

I've lost track of both El Dangerous' wedding and their argument!

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

My one and only point before this got dragged down to a personal level by Quarom, was that complaining about weddings in Ireland changes nothing.

Nah, you got WAY more personal. My comment was just based on the observation that whatever the wedding, lots of people don't like them.

RED PASSION

OP, speak to your friends/ colleagues in work about what you are telling us, this will put it to bed for yourself for once and for all, this is still bugging you a YEAR later, so you are hurting inside, there might be a simple reason for no gift or they may not believe in giving gifts etc etc, but you will know then for certain, a million posts on this forum will mean nothing to you at the end of the day, although the replies i have read are honest and very helpful, i feel a person like you will still be thinking in 20 yrs time about receiving no presents, unless you speak to them have it out in the open and then you will know for sure.

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

Nah, you got WAY more personal. My comment was just based on the observation that whatever the wedding, lots of people don't like them.

Eh, that was not your comment. I'll just leave this here:

Quorum wrote: »

But oh, when you have your wedding, everyone will definitely want to be there and not be bored at all. Definitely.

Maybe read your own posts first?

Quorum

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Eh, that was not your comment. I'll just leave this here:



Maybe read your own posts first?

That ties in. There is a very high chance there'll be someone at your wedding who doesn't really enjoy them and will be a bit bored.

You'll never know this, of course. Two-faced bastards!

El_Dangeroso

Quorum wrote: »

That ties in. There is a very high chance there'll be someone at your wedding who doesn't really enjoy them and will be a bit bored.

You'll never know this, of course. Two-faced bastards!

Do you not realise this is very personal thing to say to someone you don't know anything about? I merely applied the exact logic of people not wanting to go to your day to demonstrate to you how personal a comment that was. The fact that you took offence to this proves that you should not have said something so bitchy in the first place.

Diddler1977

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Do you not realise this is very personal thing to say to someone you don't know anything about? I merely applied the exact logic of people not wanting to go to your day to demonstrate to you how personal a comment that was. The fact that you took offence to this proves that you should not have said something so bitchy in the first place.

It was not a bitchy comment - it was the truth. You even admitted yourself that you have not invited +1's because you know that they never want to go anyway.