Stingy Wedding Presents & None at All

Dyr

Great thread, handy to remind me why I avoid Irish weddings like the plague

Madam_X

The ones with "Cash gifts only, minimum whatever" or the American thing of registering with a store for a gift list... are actually kinda sick IMO. :eek:

amdublin

Madam_X wrote: »

Aren't goodwill gestures part of friendship? Are you saying you'd be cool with a friend never ever reciprocating any nice gesture you've carried out for them. The above comment looks a *tad* obtuse...

So I carry out a nice gesture for my friend and in your opininion they have to give me a gift in exchange??

If they do that's nice I accept it graciously. But if they don't, I neither judge nor deride them.

Muckit

amdublin wrote: »

What kind of crazy question is this? From what he/she has described as "not stingy" it's patently obvious that no gift is stingy to them. That whatever a person chooses to give will be accepted graciously.

Hi amdublin

I am sorry if you find my question 'crazy'. The tread is called stingy wedding presents and none at all. I wouldn't have asked a question if it was blatantly obvious to me. Certain things that might be blatantly obvious to you, my not be to me (or indeed others).

And it's still not 'blatantly obvious to me' why some people think they must bring a gift to a wedding, yet they find it perfectly acceptable when their guests do not.

Repeating your original post isn't explaining it to me. Usually if a person says that they don't understand something, the other should try and word or phrase things a different way to help the other person understand.

Anyways, I'm going to leave things at that.

I wish all brides and grooms on this thread (and indeed those that are already married ) , many years of good health and happiness together.

Muckit (I'm a groom to be btw )

amdublin

Enjoy your day muckit.

Hopefully you get everything want and we don't see you back here in a year giving out about stingy or no presents

Muckit

amdublin wrote: »

Enjoy your day muckit.

Hopefully you get everything want and we don't see you back here in a year giving out about stingy or no presents

Thanks amdublin.

Best wishes to you too on the day (I presume your big day is coming up soon too?)

I have everything I want right here beside me on the couch. Family and friends there on our big day (7 weeks and counting down) will just seal the deal

Then it's back to the Farm and Forestry forum where I usually reside!! :D I notice there's a few from there on here too!

Diddler1977

Madam_X wrote: »

Aren't goodwill gestures part of friendship? Are you saying you'd be cool with a friend never ever reciprocating any nice gesture you've carried out for them. The above comment looks a *tad* obtuse...

When you talk about reciprocating are you talking about buying me something??

Of course I don't expect my friends to buy me things when I do nice things for them!!!

Diddler1977

Muckit wrote: »

Hi amdublin

I am sorry if you find my question 'crazy'. The tread is called stingy wedding presents and none at all. I wouldn't have asked a question if it was blatantly obvious to me. Certain things that might be blatantly obvious to you, my not be to me (or indeed others).

And it's still not 'blatantly obvious to me' why some people think they must bring a gift to a wedding, yet they find it perfectly acceptable when their guests do not.

Repeating your original post isn't explaining it to me. Usually if a person says that they don't understand something, the other should try and word or phrase things a different way to help the other person understand.

Anyways, I'm going to leave things at that.

I wish all brides and grooms on this thread (and indeed those that are already married ) , many years of good health and happiness together.

Muckit (I'm a groom to be btw )

I think it has been said a good few times over by many people in this thread that is rude for a host/hostess to expect a present when they put on a party/wedding/event, etc.

milkandsugar

To be honest i think that alot of posters are being a bit harsh on here. I am recently married and the most beautiful gifts i have cost next to nothing as our friends made them for us. But i would still notice who didn't give a card. And there is no excuse. Just none for bad manners. I can completely understand being broke ect but who says a gift has to be money. Something small and thoughtful is just as nice and will often last far longer in the house than money.Anyway what i am saying is it is general cop on to leave a card saying thanks for having me as part of you wedding day. And be realistic here if you gave someone a lavish gift and they were tight about it when it came there turn to give you a gift you would remember it and may not be so kind the next time. This isn't about the op being greedy but the hurt that you feel used and someone couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge that fact that you were kind in asking them to your wedding

Madam_X

Diddler1977 wrote: »

When you talk about reciprocating are you talking about buying me something??

Of course I don't expect my friends to buy me things when I do nice things for them!!!

Of course that's not what I mean - and I think you and Diddler know it. I am not saying every little gesture from friend to friend should be reciprocated (by buying something or otherwise) I'm just saying it's bad form for a friend to never ever reciprocate gestures of friendship, which is what you and Diddler claim you'd be ok with.

False Prophet

I wonder is this a country/town divide?
I know the area that im from it is expected that you give a wedding present (usually money). In fact some give money even if they cant make it to the wedding.
Those that dont give anything are well known and are called cheapskates (or something to that effect;) )

syklops

I read this on page 2:

[QUOTEMarieClaire]Absolutely, I would not attend a wedding if I could not afford to bring a decent present with me[/QUOTE]

/thread

Diddler1977

Madam_X wrote: »

Of course that's not what I mean - and I think you and Diddler know it. I am not saying every little gesture from friend to friend should be reciprocated (by buying something or otherwise) I'm just saying it's bad form for a friend to never ever reciprocate gestures of friendship, which is what you and Diddler claim you'd be ok with.

No what I am saying is that a verbal thanks from them is enough. Or a hug or a kiss. I don't need physical gifts of things from my friends to know that they appreciate me.

nbar12

I have only been to 2 weddings where I had to give a gift and both times I gave them one for all vouchers and both times they said it was the best present they have ever received because I'm a student with no money

Penny Dreadful

milkandsugar wrote: »

And there is no excuse. Just none for bad manners.

Totally agree. I was married recently enough and was very surprised and grateful for the presents that we got. Some people in particular went above and beyond what I would have thought they could do / would do.
Two people didn't give us a present or a card and because of the two people they are I am quite bothered by it.
They were the groom's parents and the best man.
The best man was not (IMO) a good best man at all. He had to be coerced into organising the stag, coerced into doing a fair bit of what a best man is supposed to do and then he made a rather embarassing speech at the reception.
The groom's parents had both of their outfits bought and paid for (the mum) and rented (the dad's wedding suit). They didn't help one little bit either with the planning and organisation of the wedding. In fact all they did was moan constantly about how we weren't inviting enough people for them (relatives many times removed, people from the home place that weren't known to either of us, etc). They had their room paid for the night of the wedding too.
Even since the wedding they haven't let the fact that we stuck to our guns and didn't invite every Tom Dick and Harry go.
Not even a card.

Diddler1977

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Totally agree. I was married recently enough and was very surprised and grateful for the presents that we got. Some people in particular went above and beyond what I would have thought they could do / would do.
Two people didn't give us a present or a card and because of the two people they are I am quite bothered by it.
They were the groom's parents and the best man.
The best man was not (IMO) a good best man at all. He had to be coerced into organising the stag, coerced into doing a fair bit of what a best man is supposed to do and then he made a rather embarassing speech at the reception.
The groom's parents had both of their outfits bought and paid for (the mum) and rented (the dad's wedding suit). They didn't help one little bit either with the planning and organisation of the wedding. In fact all they did was moan constantly about how we weren't inviting enough people for them (relatives many times removed, people from the home place that weren't known to either of us, etc). They had their room paid for the night of the wedding too.
Even since the wedding they haven't let the fact that we stuck to our guns and didn't invite every Tom Dick and Harry go.
Not even a card.

Let it go.....

Your in laws have no manners. That is there issue. You must stop thinking and concerning yourself about it in order for it not to become your issue.

PS. They aren't under any obligation to give you a present but a verbal thanks would have been nice ;-)

Chocoholic84

Madam_X wrote: »

The ones with "Cash gifts only, minimum whatever" or the American thing of registering with a store for a gift list... are actually kinda sick IMO. :eek:

If I saw this on an invite, I'd be straight out to buy a toaster :P

Tool_

Interesting read this. The way Irish weddings in general have changed over the last 20 years is abhorrent and I have as little to do with them as possible. More power to anyone bucking the trend and remembering what's important.

In my experience, people who look forward to weddings (apart from immediate family and close friends) have particularly dull social lives.

Penny Dreadful

Diddler1977 wrote: »

Let it go.....

Your in laws have no manners. That is there issue. You must stop thinking and concerning yourself about it in order for it not to become your issue.

PS. They aren't under any obligation to give you a present but a verbal thanks would have been nice ;-)

I'm not having sleepless nights or anything about it. It and they are not worth it.
In some ways I'm not really surprised at all as I have yet to see them put their hand in their pocket even to pay for a cup of tea if we are out with them. They have some mad notion that myself and my husband are making enough money to pay for anything and everything any time we're out with them. Thankfully that isn't too often so its ok.
I feel bad for my husband though as my parents were very generous with their gift for our wedding and gave so much of their time too as regards writing and posting a lot of the invitations, chasing up certain non RSVPers, etc. Also they put no pressure on either of us to invite anyone in particular.

A card with a nice message would have nice. It would have been thoughtful and shown that they were aware that it was our wedding, we were getting married and the people we invited mattered not their wishes over and above ours.

Anyway they now (IMO) set out their stall for what we can expect or not from them and at least I/we know where we stand.

dharma200

Have to agree. I dont go to them, and wont be inviting the next door neighbour et al to mine either.

The wedding thing in this country is just a clever marketing thing to prop the flagging hotel industry up, otherwise who would go to the multitude of dreary, poor food/service hotels around the island? I couldnt care less if my own mother didnt give me a card when I get married, or a present, or cash... or anyone for that matter.

I would feel very bad for anyone who has been married, and all they can think about it what they got or didnt get, who gave or who didnt. If thats what a wedding is all about , and that is what the aftermath of a wedding is about, Ill opt out of that particular social 'tradition'.

My advise to op is to focus on all the lovely things that happened on your day and completely forget about the rest. Life is very very short x

Madam_X

Tool_ wrote: »

In my experience, people who look forward to weddings (apart from immediate family and close friends) have particularly dull social lives.

Seems both extremes in this debate, despite opposing each other, have obnoxiousness and an inflated sense of superiority in common.

Thankfully most people are reasonable and balanced and would neither endorse a ridiculously lavish wedding that the guests are expected to finance, nor people going to a celebration of a happy day (which they really don't have to go to if they grew a spine) and bitching about it and not even giving a €10 bottle of wine when they have been invited in good faith.

clint_silver

dharma200 wrote: »

Have to agree. I dont go to them, and wont be inviting the next door neighbour et al to mine either.

The wedding thing in this country is just a clever marketing thing to prop the flagging hotel industry up, otherwise who would go to the multitude of dreary, poor food/service hotels around the island?

Disagree with this. If you want to invite family and friends to whats probably going to be the biggest day of your life, you need to have them all in one place, give them food and drink, entertain them, and give them somewhere to stay. Hotels do this very, very well.
Most hotels do not have poor food and service and provide very good food and service. Some have incidents of bad food and service that while you feel it shouldnt be your place to point them out, they do rely on you point them out. They wouldnt survive long if the bad food and service continued.

I would feel very bad for anyone who has been married, and all they can think about it what they got or didnt get, who gave or who didnt. If thats what a wedding is all about , and that is what the aftermath of a wedding is about, Ill opt out of that particular social 'tradition'.

My advise to op is to focus on all the lovely things that happened on your day and completely forget about the rest. Life is very very short x

Agreed with this.

clint_silver

Madam_X wrote: »

Seems both extremes in this debate, despite opposing each other, have obnoxiousness and an inflated sense of superiority in common.

Thankfully most people are reasonable and balanced and would neither endorse a ridiculously lavish wedding that the guests are expected to finance, nor people going to a celebration of a happy day (which they really don't have to go to if they grew a spine) and bitching about it and not even giving a €10 bottle of wine when they have been invited in good faith.

This very much sums the debate up for me, most B&Gs are reasonable, balanced, have their guests welfare under consideration, try not to impose cost on them and while they know gifts will be coming as guests like to give gifts, dont expect them, and are very much appreciated when they are.

Most guests are balanced, look forward to the day, hope it will go well without too much cost and give presents commensurate with what they can afford, whether thats a toaster or 200 quid, so be it. If they had a bad wedding one day, look forward to the next.

Gatica

Someone commented how they were surprised that this thread was still going. Well, I read the first page originally when it was just the one page and kept it open cos I knew on refreshing it today it would've got a ton of responses from both camps, but must agree didn't expect it to be quite 18 pages long!

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I understand exactly what you are saying, and throwing money at lavish affairs doesn't mean the wedding will be a success in terms of people having a good time, really I suspect in a run of the mill wedding it's often the mix of people that makes it fun, but aside from doing the church/civil ceremony which is the only actual requirement of the day, doesn't anybody stop to think for one minute when planning that it's ok to deviate from the normal?

Yeah, possibly but it actually takes far more effort to deviate from the norm and come up with your own version of a wedding celebration. We're having a non-religious wedding and even that I found stressful as there were not guidelines, you could do what you wanted! I thought, gees, must be much easier for Catholics so, cos they get given the format, the wording, all they gotta do then is pick couple of songs and bible readings. Done.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

I bet the Bride and Groom are over the moon that they are paying for all the food and drink on the day just so you can 'fulfill' a duty.

I think most couples would hate to think someone was attending their special day when they didn't want to, I know I would. What a truly two-faced thing to do, accepting an invite while resenting it!

The argument that you have to go to a wedding is just as ridiculous as the one that you have to bring a cash gift. Get some balls and make up a good reason, the B&G will get over not having your presence somehow, maybe after years of counselling.

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Do you really think that the Bride and Groom spend thousands of euro to put their guests through 'expense, hassle and tedium' as you so put it? I presume you make the couple aware of this fact? or do you just smile to their face while secretly resenting them? No, that's not two-faced at all.

I've wanted to go to and enjoyed every minute of weddings that I have attended, and you know the ones I didn't want to go to due to aforementioned hassle and expense. I didn't go!

I can understand how it may seem personal and offensive to have someone at your wedding who doesn't wanna be there. However, I know we'll have ppl like that. It's unavoidable unfortunately...
My OH's uncle didn't go to his other siblings' weddings, and he's being pressured by the family right now to come to ours. I personally understand that it's not his thing and he doesn't wanna go (especially since I've read lots on the topic in this forum). Everyone else in the family feels he should. So I'm being told right now to keep a space or two in case they decide to turn up. Yeah, I'd be delighted to see them if they come, even if it's last minute. I do acknowledge that he may not enjoy it (does not mean I won't be glad to see them, just sorry that he probably won't be as glad about being there).
Sometimes with families it just cannot be helped and ppl end up being pressured into going to weddings they don't wanna attend. I wouldn't say he's got no back-bone, in fact he's probably trying every trick up his sleeve to decline, but he's really not being given a chance. I'm just hearing bits of conversation here and there. As far as I'm concerned, we sent the invite and I'm gonna wait for the RSVP. I'm not gonna get involved. It's not my family and not my fight.
All I'm saying is that yes, sometimes it really isn't as black and white - don't go if you don't wanna.

Madam_X wrote: »

The ones with "Cash gifts only, minimum whatever" or the American thing of registering with a store for a gift list... are actually kinda sick IMO. :eek:

From reading this thread it almost seems more honest to just straight up and tell your guests what you're expecting from them! that way no one is surprised or shocked when the B&G come back complaining about not getting enough off their guests.

Gatica

I love weddings, and while they're not the highlight of my social life, I always look forward to them. I've been invited to my OH's workmates wedding, which I didn't bother going to, cos I don't know them and was away visiting my own family anyway (chipped in a little for the gift as a gesture). Invited to a distant friends wedding - went to the afters as it was on a week-day and didn't wanna take the day off work for someone don't know all that well. However, we've gone to the full day of close friends' and stayed at the hotel even though it was in our town. Cos we wanted to be near the buzz and the action. We enjoyed socialising with all our friends who'd come over from far away and we wouldn't normally see all at one place at one time.
Food has usually not been memorable but not bad either. One was really good in particular and I remember still what I had.
The bit between the church and the dinner has always been one of the fun parts for me. It's when we go for lunch with our friends at a nearby bar or bistro and catch up - "how's things in London?", "where are you working now?" etc... or at some weddings it's canapés and cava at the hotel and you just mingle and chat to different people. I really don't understand why that's particularly awkward for people. Maybe if it's not your friends or your family and you don't know anyone... in which case maybe not going is best.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I don't get it myself. Do people that get married actually enjoy all of the stuff they arrange? Or just feel they have to do it because it's the done thing?

I personally think I will. I have enjoyed all the planning and making things for the wedding and organising flowers, decorations etc... I've been told no one will notice it. I guess even if they don't, I will and I will be happy and proud of how it looks even if it's just for those 5 mins that we get to view the ballroom in private before the dinner and party starts.
Partly I do think it's the done thing to have flowers, so I can't think of anything else to use (kind of engrained at this stage)... I like flowers, so I've no objection to that tradition. We wanted a nice meal for our guests (even if they could have it in a restaurant any-time) with a choice on all the courses, so they're not tied to a single thing we've chosen (naturally it's not entirely free choice, cos we only have choice of 2, not pages and pages). We didn't want to do a buffet, cos I guess sit-down meal is fancier and we wanted it fancy-ish, or at least I did. We want to dance, so we're having the band/DJ. (I really cannot think of what we could've done different for the same entertainment value to us.)

If anyone watches "Don't tell the Bride" on TV, you may notice the pattern with the majority of brides. They usually want a manor house in the country with nice gardens. They want it classy and vintage. I don't know if it's just become the done thing now and it has subconsciously crept into everyone's mind.... but that's what I wanted for our wedding too! and way before the program started airing on TV. I just couldn't believe that while I though that what I wanted was somehow different from the norm (I've only gone to standard weddings in normal hotels, not country houses), it had turned out it really wasn't!
The same thing with the dress. I thought the dress style and shoes I'd picked were different and driving past a wedding this weekend I saw a girl wearing almost exact replica of what I have. It's not the norm, but I guess it's still quite popular.

Whoever said on this thread that all weddings are quite similar and that people get into almost a competition of being unique is right. Even when they're "different", the different ones still fall into categories... Everyone wants theirs to be slightly different or unique, and so do I, nothing wrong with it I think, but there's only so much you can do different if you want "manor house", "dinner" and "vintage" or "classy"....

RED PASSION

milkandsugar wrote: »

To be honest i think that alot of posters are being a bit harsh on here. I am recently married and the most beautiful gifts i have cost next to nothing as our friends made them for us. But i would still notice who didn't give a card. And there is no excuse. Just none for bad manners. I can completely understand being broke ect but who says a gift has to be money. Something small and thoughtful is just as nice and will often last far longer in the house than money.Anyway what i am saying is it is general cop on to leave a card saying thanks for having me as part of you wedding day. And be realistic here if you gave someone a lavish gift and they were tight about it when it came there turn to give you a gift you would remember it and may not be so kind the next time. This isn't about the op being greedy but the hurt that you feel used and someone couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge that fact that you were kind in asking them to your wedding

+1

clint_silver

Gatica wrote: »

Whoever said on this thread that all weddings are quite similar and that people get into almost a competition of being unique is right. Even when they're "different", the different ones still fall into categories... Everyone wants theirs to be slightly different or unique, and so do I, nothing wrong with it I think, but there's only so much you can do different if you want "manor house", "dinner" and "vintage" or "classy"....

The only thing really different is the people. If you have a room with a load of people thinking "oh here we go, another wedding with all the same ****e" it will be a same old wedding.

If you get people up for the day, it will be different. Might not be able to put your finger on it, but youll go to bed that night thinking, "that was brilliant".

A whole heap of money can change that by hiring flying everyone to a carribean island with Lionel richie as the entertainment and heston doing the food.... but youll still get some people complaining about having to get a baby sitter.

Gatica

LOL

so true... I've enjoyed all our friends' weddings because I think they're all good craic. Always have been. The DJ kept going til 6 at one of them cos he thought it was such a blast as well. That's what I really hope ours will be.

clint_silver

Gatica wrote: »

LOL

so true... I've enjoyed all our friends' weddings because I think they're all good craic. Always have been. The DJ kept going til 6 at one of them cos he thought it was such a blast as well. That's what I really hope ours will be.

very, very few places allow music after a certain time. 2 or 2:30 is the norm. Some places its even 1am.

Tables need to be cleared, staff need to go home, busses need to pick up people, residents nearby complain, other residents upstairs. If none of those apply, clarify with the venue manager what time it can go on til so you have some expectation.
Theres a certain venue I play where the manager will come over that 2:01am and threaten to literally pull the fuse out of the plug board if the music doesnt stop. Guests could be hanging out of the rafters dancing, doesnt matter. music stops at 2am. killjoy. :mad:

Sleepy

We've been told the plugs have to come out at 2am but we can play unplugged until the cleaners need the room the next morning