Advice pls-anyone else have this problem -being shy with your bf?

Starr27

hi all,

I am wondering if anyone else has this problem. I basically feel anxious all day every day. I have avoided promotions at work because of this. It has affected my relationship to the point where we are having serious issues and are probably moving towards breaking up.

I really dont understand why i am like this, on the one hand i can be very witty, and have the entire room in stitches with one liners etc., so I know i can make people laugh. my friends (the small group that they are) all say that i have a great comedic streak etc.

My problem is this, I have worked on being more outgoing and sociable since being a teen when i was painfully shy, blushed the entire time, couldnt speak up in class etc. Its to the point where a lot of people nowadays wouldnt realise i am so shy, but this doesnt change the fact that i am, and it has and is ruining my life. I have had enough.

When my bf and I started going out he said the main reason he liked me was because i was fun and had a bit of life to me, amongst other things - similar views on life etc. I was so over the moon with him because he was everything i wanted in a man really. 6 years later and things have changed hugely. He says he cant talk to me- that I 'have nothing to talk about' etc.

I am finding this very hurtful, and it really has destroyed the bit of confidence I did have in life. The thing is, I notice that when I am in a group, where the pressure/limelight is off me, I am grand and have genuinely plenty to say without dominating the conversation etc. But when I am one to one with people I get quite anxious about trying to maintain the conversation, which I find very difficult. My mind just seems to go blank.

This is the major issue from my bf's point of view. And if i am honest, I can see what he means. The thing is, I really dont understand how to fix this, I mean how can i have plenty to say in a group but very little one to one.

I have explained to him that i am quite shy and even though i appear to be full of confidence when we are out with friends I find spending time with people one to one exhausting because i just cant seem to keep thinking of things to talk about.

This has caused me a huge amount of stress in life, and as i say is looking likely to be a factor in the end of my relationship (which i dont want to hapen - i just wish i could take a pill to eradicate the shyness).

My question is this, does anyone else have this problem - if so, how the hell do you fix it, because to be quite honest i just cannot live a life that is anxiety and shyness ridden to the point where i am left or end up alone in life.

If anyone has any pointers or has been through this I would really like to hear them.

blatantrereg

Nobody is witty and fun all their waking hours. When you spend loads of time with someone for six years, you're going to run out of things to say some of the time.

It sounds like you are reacting to him making you feel pressured, and maybe somewhat belittled. "You have nothing to talk about" isn't a very nice thing to say to anyone - certainly not someone you're supposed to care about.

Taltos

OP - welcome to PI/RI. If you have not already done so can you please review our charter. We ask posters not to create duplicate threads. We have deleted one of your threads and have left this one in RI.

All the best
Taltos

LegacyUser

When my bf and I started going out he said the main reason he liked me was because i was fun and had a bit of life to me, amongst other things - similar views on life etc. I was so over the moon with him because he was everything i wanted in a man really. 6 years later and things have changed hugely. He says he cant talk to me- that I 'have nothing to talk about' etc.

I am finding this very hurtful, and it really has destroyed the bit of confidence I did have in life. The thing is, I notice that when I am in a group, where the pressure/limelight is off me, I am grand and have genuinely plenty to say without dominating the conversation etc. But when I am one to one with people I get quite anxious about trying to maintain the conversation, which I find very difficult. My mind just seems to go blank.

This is the major issue from my bf's point of view. And if i am honest, I can see what he means. The thing is, I really dont understand how to fix this, I mean how can i have plenty to say in a group but very little one to one.

I have explained to him that i am quite shy and even though i appear to be full of confidence when we are out with friends I find spending time with people one to one exhausting because i just cant seem to keep thinking of things to talk about.

OP sounds to me like your bf is being very unfair on you as the other poster him saying 'you have nothing to talk about' is really rude thing to say especially to the woman he's supposed to love. Perhaps you are both just reaching a natural end to your relationship and finding you are incompatible, but that doesn't mean that it's your fault. That's not to say you shouldn't work to save your relationship if you wish, but at the same time you shouldn't have to fundamentally change who you are as a person in order to do so. Your bf should accept you for who you are if he really loves you.

My question is this, does anyone else have this problem - if so, how the hell do you fix it, because to be quite honest i just cannot live a life that is anxiety and shyness ridden to the point where i am left or end up alone in life.

If anyone has any pointers or has been through this I would really like to hear them.

I'm also shy OP, but I'm the opposite to you, can chat away one to one no problem but put me in a group of people and I fall apart. I did see a counsellor a few years ago which helped me a lot and I'm much better in these situations than I was, but I'm still quite shy and don't think that will ever completely change. OP maybe your bf just isn't the right guy for you, maybe the reason you can't open up to him is simply because that connection or click isn't there. These days OP I just embrace my shyness, so i can't say it's ever been a problem for me in relationships because from the outset I let guys know I'm really shy, and they can either accept that or not, it's a fundamental part of who I am, and yeah a lot of guys don't 'get' it and it's a problem but it's never stopped me from meeting guys who accepted me for who I was or forming relationships.

ibarelycare

Hi OP, have you considered the possibility that your relationship may have just run its course?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I have to agree that's not a nice thing to say to someone you love. If my fianceé had gone very quiet and withdrawn I would ask him if anything is wrong but I certainly wouldn't say "I can't talk to you, you've nothing to talk about". That would only serve to put down someone who's already feeling shy and withdrawn. I wonder as well if your constant anxiety is to do with your relationship? Does he keep you on your toes? Keep you worrying about stuff?

Apologies if I'm way off the mark but something in your OP is making me wonder if perhaps your relationship is what is causing you anxiety. After all you mention that you not being comfortable in a one on one conversations is a major deal for your boyfriend. That's a bit warped to be honest. He certainly doesn't sound very supportive. It also sounds like you expect to have to entertain your boyfriend. Do you feel that way?

So can you tell us a little more about your relationship?

*Also; Everyone runs out of things to say in a conversation sometimes*

Starr27

Hi,

I have been wondering that too at the moment about him causing me the anxiety. I have told him that i am not simply there for his entertainment, that there have to be moments of calm and quietness. I have genuinely put a lot into this relationship and am getting a little tired of the constant expectations.

He says he can see clearly in social situations there isn't a bother on me etc., but I find with him that he can be quick to dismiss what i have to say so sometimes it feels like there is no point saying anything at all?!

I look at other couples who by the looks of things are fairly normal and balanced in that they are happy not to have to have the constant need to talk all the time. I've asked a few of my friends about their relationships in this respect too and they all say that they don't sit there all day talking etc., they are relaxed and just potter around, and are just used to each others company.


I would have thought that he would have accepted the fact that I have a certain amount of shyness about me, and his quick to dismiss matter of discussing things doesn't help either. And its not like i cant discuss things that are happening in the world, i just find that he seems to think that his view is the only one and no amount of reasoned argument will change his mind.

He is a great person in many respects and i do love him, i just cant understand how it is that all of this pressure has been landed on me. I have been very accepting of aspects of him up to now, and I kind of feel as a previous poster said - I am who i am, i have moments of great fun and moments of quietness too.

I am fairly upset that we have hit this block, I can genuinely say I love this person and had worked towards kids and marriage but because of something so small, that may come to pass.

I also feel that he needs a smack of reality in terms of relationships!

Gyalist

Starr27 wrote: »

Hi,

I have been wondering that too at the moment about him causing me the anxiety. I have told him that i am not simply there for his entertainment, that there have to be moments of calm and quietness. I have genuinely put a lot into this relationship and am getting a little tired of the constant expectations.

He says he can see clearly in social situations there isn't a bother on me etc., but I find with him that he can be quick to dismiss what i have to say so sometimes it feels like there is no point saying anything at all?!

I look at other couples who by the looks of things are fairly normal and balanced in that they are happy not to have to have the constant need to talk all the time. I've asked a few of my friends about their relationships in this respect too and they all say that they don't sit there all day talking etc., they are relaxed and just potter around, and are just used to each others company.


I would have thought that he would have accepted the fact that I have a certain amount of shyness about me, and his quick to dismiss matter of discussing things doesn't help either. And its not like i cant discuss things that are happening in the world, i just find that he seems to think that his view is the only one and no amount of reasoned argument will change his mind.

He is a great person in many respects and i do love him, i just cant understand how it is that all of this pressure has been landed on me. I have been very accepting of aspects of him up to now, and I kind of feel as a previous poster said - I am who i am, i have moments of great fun and moments of quietness too.

I am fairly upset that we have hit this block, I can genuinely say I love this person and had worked towards kids and marriage but because of something so small, that may come to pass.

I also feel that he needs a smack of reality in terms of relationships!

Seems to be that you are conflating two issues that should be kept separate.
Your shyness is not the reason for your boyfriend dismissing any opinion that you hold (though it could be the reason why he thinks that he can get away with doing it). The anxiety that you are feeling is not because you are shy but because he is disrespecting your opinions.

You'll have to be assertive and let him know that you aren't going to allow yourself to be treated like that.

Ramka

Hi Starr27,

I can sympathise so much with your situation! I've been with a guy for almost 3 years and we were also working towards marriage and children. Lately however, my quietness seemed to become a major issue for him and he started getting moody if I didn't have much to say. I don't know why this is bothering him now - it's not like I was a chatterbox in the beginning! He's also quick to dismiss my opinions. It finally came to a head last night so I packed my things and left.

I'm not sure if we're fully over or not but either way things have to change. I'm not going to put up with someone who doesn't respect me and you shouldn't either...

tinkerbell

OP, I'm not going to get into your boyfriend issues because that's just a symptom of the problem. The problem is that you said you feel anxious all day long, you have even missed promotions at work because of it. Straight away, that's a red flag to me. You need to seek help for this - it is not healthy to be anxious and stressed all day. I suggest you get an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor / psychiatrist / psychologist or whatever.

PS if after 6 years you're not comfortable with your boyfriend or don't have anything to talk about then I think something's definitely wrong with the relationship. Perhaps though see a counsellor first as that may solve your problems.