How to deal with bullys?

NegativeCreep

blacklilly wrote: »

I was bullied from the age of 5/6 to about 12, went to a small country primary school and every single kid in the class bullied me, it was a mixed school. I was kicked in the face by the boys, spat at, called names, laughed at etc. I tried to stand up for myself but because I literally had no friends it was very difficult. I left primary school in the middle of sixth class and went to work in an equestrian center as I did not have the capacity to deal with it. I was suicidal when I was 12 and even attempted on two occasions to take my own life.

In the years since primary school all but two of these bullies have sincerely apologised to me for the hurt and pain they caused me.
I look at myself now and I'm incredibly lucky that secondary school was a positive experience for me, I have a good education, good job and great friends. I do not tolerate bullying and will always speak up for people who I believe are being treated unfairly.

Sometimes I still get angry that my childhood was over shadowed by this but I've managed to move on and count myself lucky that I had the ability to forgive and let go of the hurt.

Just out of interest, did you forgive them? If I had been in your situation I don't think I could that's why I'm interested.

guitarzero

Teachers continuously turning a blind eye to bullying is probably the biggest issue. They amount of times I've seen class mates getting digs and the **** being ripped out of them in front of teachers is not funny. Schools are far too lenient on these a*sholes, the effect of bullying and other forms of social friction can scar people for a lifetime.

blacklilly

Yes because I honestly believed they were truly sorry, the bullying I suffered was at the higher end of the scale in terms of how bad it was and I've no doubt it occasionally haunts them for what they put me through.
Now the two that have never apologised are a different story as they tried to continue bullying me through my teenage years and boasted about bullying me. when confronted about it basically laughed in my face however I don't believe you can go through life treating people like sh*t and expect an easy ride, they will get their hardship

dirtyghettokid

i can't speak for ireland, as i went to (public mixed) school in canada. i'm a girl and had the **** kicked out of me multiple times by boys from ages 11-13. had my neck grabbed by one lad and thrown up against a wall.. he held me there with his hands around my neck, called me a geek and then fecked off. loads of **** like that happened. i was too soft back then. i just took it. it's hard to know what to say to someone on how to deal with bullying... i wished i was a bit tougher back then.. but it's hard to fight a lad back when you're a girl!

laoch na mona

pathtohome wrote: »

Are you saying females in school getting physically abused is anywhere near as common as it is for males? I repeat your quoted question to yourself.

when i was in 6th year there were plenty of fights between girls and the convent up the road always had fights
any the snide bitchy bullying is the one that makes people kill them selves

PandaX9

For the first few years of my misfortune being in a "very prestigious" private all-girls school in South Dublin, there was a girl who made my life living hell. And it was completely unprecedented as well, one year we were bezzie mates and then she kissed my then-boyfriend at the time but he broke it off and told me in his guilt and well, that must've hit her pride like a train that god forbid he should choose me over her.

I had the misfortune of having about 10 classes a week with her, she would never say anything openly harsh but she was constantly glaring at me and looking down her nose at me just because I come from a rather modest background and she lives in a 6 storey house :rolleyes: Anyway, she would forever be undermining my confidence and being a general bitch with unwanted remarks about my appearance, my choice of words, everything. And I'm almost certain that because my parents are foreign, she viewed me as a social climbing second class citizen. It was absolutely horrible, it brought me to tears all the time and everyone ignored it because they didn't want to cause a scene. Unfortunately for me she was the kind of manipulative bitch that was so masterful at being a hateful cow that no matter what I could've said to a teacher, I'd have no evidence as "it doesn't sound at all distressing" out of context..

One day I snapped and made a list of everything she had said to me and brought it down to the principal, the principal brought her in and guess what? She turned on the waterworks, made me out to be the bully somehow (I honestly don't know how that happened - they mistook my crippling lack of self confidence and unwillingness to speak up as arrogance) and because of her combined manipulation skills and the fact that her daddy's endless wallet made him an excellent patron caused every teacher to take her word over mine, causing me effectively to go further back into my box and never report any subsequent bullying in my life. Luckily my parents took me out of that hellhole without me ever saying anything to them about my time in that school.

I still to this day have no idea why the school so openly let her get away with murder - but it sure as hell put me off ever trying to deal with bullies again because it absolutely broke my soul when I finally mustered the confidence to speak up and it backfired on me in a big time way. As far as I'm aware, she's still a shrew and everyone just laps it up. In my experience, the worst bullies have all been the young South Dublin girls that have daddy wrapped around their little fingers.

gozunda

The only way to deal with bullying is to make it a Criminal Offence - this has precedence in the US and elsewhere. Its about time there was zero tolerence on this form of assault. The sooner this is done, the sooner bullying behavour will be a criminal matter and dealt with accordingly....end of.

doolox

When I was at school I suffered a lot from bullying and did not achieve my full potential because of it. I left school with a pass LC unable to attend college and not knowing what I wanted to do in life. After 3 years in my dads self employed business I joined a company whose policy was strictly anti bullying. In an era where junior mechanics and other trades people had to put it up with horseplay, name calling and pranks from the more senior workers our company had a firing policy for bullying. They were a US multinational as I suspect that an Irish company would laugh off and tell you to "grow up".

I thrived in that company for 14 very happy years.

I joined another US multinational where bullying was happening, but denied and very little was done to prevent junior people from being harrassed and bullied. Fear was the dominant emotion in that place, along with constant tiredness. One colleague I recall was always telling on people and causing discord and discontent in the area, she left, much to the delight of most people in the work area. I was horrified to discover that she was given a supervisory position in a neighbouring company 1 yr later....says much for their philosophy and HR strategy.....

To combat bullying in the workplace:-

Cultivate allies and learn as much about the company as possible.
Acquire as much skills as you can and look for honest feedback from as many people as you can.

Make yourself as useful and versatile as you can, if possible become an expert in some area of the company business and make a niche for yourself where comparisons with average workers are difficult to make. Find your unique selling point and exploit it ruthlessly.

Do not allow "ad hominem" remarks to go unchallenged when criticisms are being levelled at you. A boss may be able to say your work is slow or incorrect but he'll need the data to prove it but he cant call you and idiot or some such remark.

For school bullying I feel it was very harsh for the "victim" in the case on the video to be suspended. He simply defended himself after three punches were thrown at him. He wasn't fast enough to duck but used his considerable size and strength advantage to get rid of the bully when provoked.

The other little ***thing*** will probably end up dead in a gang fight some years from now. I will not grieve his inevitable downfall if he continues in this way.

Expecting teachers to police and stamp out bullying is asking too much, they will not do it. An extra security layer is needed but cannot be afforded by most countries, they prefer to field the expense of personality disorders, mental health breakdowns, drug and drink problems which are the result of broken lives from bullying.

blacklilly

In my own situation the principal of the school verbally threatened me on a number of occasions, held me by the scruff of the neck against a wall while shouting in my face and holding his fist up to me (I'm female by the way) he knew I was being tortured in school, my patents were in and out complaining etc. He intercepted a number of notes being sent around the class room detailing how the rest of the class would bully me at lunch(drawings and all) he loved when I did something wrong as he'd use it as ammunition to my parents, once while playing football at lunch I went in for a tackle with one of the boys, he then kicked me full force in the stomach so much so my face turned blue as I could breath, when I eventually got up I kicked him in the shin and guess who was called into the principal.....me.
I would actually say that I could easily bring him to court over his actions

JustAThought

This Is appalling.

And what's as bad is that the Schools don't seem to have the ability to deal with it. Says a lot for parents joining boards of management or co-opting like-minded parents onto them and having EGM's to actively change schools policies.

Personally I'm in favour of expulsions & if needs be borstal schools; hard line treatments for the knacker scum that consistently drag everything they thouch into the dirt with them. Why should everyone else suffer?

Thou " stats" say bullies are inadequate, insecure themselves or come from damaged backgrounds themselves & highlighting this in classes works to effectively " show them up" you have to wonder why people, and children, have to go through years of hell while adults claim impotence or "blame the system".

There has to be a consequence ( I would suggest) other than violence to solve this. Maybe the threat if removal fro circle if " friends" whose esteem bullies thrive in; and being dismissed to a grim hard school elsewhere would consolidate their thinking: and behaviour. If they have to travel to a knacker ridden bootcamp for education so be it. That might focus their behaviour; or their patents patenting skills.

The PC brigade in this country has the place ruined for those who play ball & do behave.

Why should scumbags consistently be rewarded, or never adequately challenged and punished.

I'm horrified at all the bullying violence stories posted here. But The slow manipulation,sneering, years of sarcasm & snide comments or the isolation & silent treatment by packs of girls can be severely damaging too.

Some other ( brilliant) poster recently put up an example in AH on bullying which I thought was inspired. S/He said ;

A teacher asked a class to take a clean sheet of paper & to look at it. Then they told the class to twist it up, roll in into a ball & scrunch it up as hard as they could, without tearing or ripping it. She then told them to unroll it and spread it out on their desks again. That , said the teacher, is the damage bullying does. The paper isn't torn, but it will never be the same again.

flowerchild

steddyeddy wrote: »

Were you ever bullied and how did you deal with it? If not how would and do you think it should be dealt with?

I was never bullied - I used to stand up for kids that were bullied. I had a friend with very long hair who was used as a horse by other children. I used to intervene and stop it and also report it to the headmistress.

Saying that, I was definitely different from other kids because I was political in an environment and at an age when no-one else at school was the same.

There was teasing and being made to feel different but I simply didn't care, so it wasn't an issue.

With my children I practise 'stop it - I don't like it' because something that is practised comes out more easily. We talk about their school days at dinner each night including incidents which they experience as bullying and problem solve as a family what to do. Both boys do martial arts, which I think makes them less likely to be on the receiving end, or indeed to be a bully. I have a good relationship with the school and wouldn't hesitate to talk with them if I was worried.

The most important way to deal with bullying, in my view, is to help a child feel accepted and loved at home. When they feel good about themselves, they are less likely to see bullying as something to be put up with. Then parents need to be alert and assertive, within a frame of helping children to be assertive themselves, because it is a life skill. School bullies become workplace bullies and everyone needs to know how to stand up for themselves, however old or young they are.

sebastianlieken

If a so called bully beats you up, claim to be homosexual.

Result:
Your dad can sue the living **** out of his dad for discrimination.

lawhec

I had some low-level bullying done to me in my school days, not often physical though except for one boy because most of them could realise that since I was a rather stocky build and could handle myself reasonably well one-on-one, fighting me was a good leveller for me, though for a time this kind of reversed the role for me where I was often accused of being too physical in standing up for myself.

One thing I have learned is the pattern that school bulling develops when I went to work in a school at one time. Ideally the strong should protect the weak but understandably most people want a quiet life and not get into problems that aren't their own, schoolchildren included. One thing I spotted was that bullies who are without their gaggle of hangers on (when you get the chance that this happens) are very weak individuals when isolated. Myself and the rest of the school staff used every (legal) trick in the book to tackle them and their hangers on when you isolate them from each other. If you target the alpha-male of the gang, isolate them and bring them down or make him or her ineffective, the hangers on will start becoming exposed to not hiding behind the alpha-male to back them up and you can often get quite a few of them to start singing like canaries if you play your cards right and seed distrust among them. Playing the prisoners dilemma is one method, another is to exaggerate a report of an incident without going over the top where someone will eventually confess to what happened, thinking that they are actually downplaying it when they actually walk into a trap. Another was that in public only raise your voice occasionally and when it is tactically useful to do so, for example where it can embarrass the bully by bringing unwanted attention to them from their peers. Some members of staff will initially deal with all of this better than others, and it is useful to "coach" other teachers, assistants and other staff members about what to do, or learn yourself from them. While you can't take a zero-tolerance approach without it backfiring, make it clear that bullies have a chance to redeem and reform themselves but that little **** will be taken if they don't. I left working for that school a few years ago but as a result of these tactics, bullying among pupils was kept to very low levels, most of them enjoyed themselves with a lot of trust and tolerance between most pupils (those not involved in bullying) and teachers during school hours, and as a by-product has been producing consistently excellent academic performances. A good anti-bullying policy, official and unofficial, that all staff can unite to work with can do wonders.

getz

flowerchild wrote: »

I was never bullied - I used to stand up for kids that were bullied. I had a friend with very long hair who was used as a horse by other children. I used to intervene and stop it and also report it to the headmistress.

Saying that, I was definitely different from other kids because I was political in an environment and at an age when no-one else at school was the same.

There was teasing and being made to feel different but I simply didn't care, so it wasn't an issue.

With my children I practise 'stop it - I don't like it' because something that is practised comes out more easily. We talk about their school days at dinner each night including incidents which they experience as bullying and problem solve as a family what to do. Both boys do martial arts, which I think makes them less likely to be on the receiving end, or indeed to be a bully. I have a good relationship with the school and wouldn't hesitate to talk with them if I was worried.

The most important way to deal with bullying, in my view, is to help a child feel accepted and loved at home. When they feel good about themselves, they are less likely to see bullying as something to be put up with. Then parents need to be alert and assertive, within a frame of helping children to be assertive themselves, because it is a life skill. School bullies become workplace bullies and everyone needs to know how to stand up for themselves, however old or young they are.

a lot can be done by the schools to stop the bullying, take the school that school my son went to a number of years ago in manchester [a very rough area],the school made the head boys/girls/prefects the job to stop the bullying in the play ground ect ,after that very little of it went on,so i would suggest that next time anyone who goes to a PTA meeting bring that idea up.

Eve_Dublin

I was bullied at school pretty badly for a few years over something I did in my early teens that gave me a bad rep, which I really didn't deserve. It was constant and it followed me everywhere. I was too scared to do anything about it and my mid-teens were a horrible time between problems at home and the bullying. Only time I'd any peace was in bed at night.

Anyway, I rode it out and it died down eventually and I survived and lived to tell the tale and here I am. I suppose I'd just like to say, if anyone is reading this and they are being bullied, just remember things do get better eventually. The bullies eventually stop. There is an end to it although you might not see that now. And I promise you too...many of them will amount to nothing in their lives, like those who bullied me. It's not always the case but you might become a stronger person because of it. And a more empathetic person because you can spot those in your shoes as an adult. It will get better, so please hang in there.

languagenerd

pathtohome wrote: »

Women are so lucky they don't have to deal with it.

What a load of crap. Girls tend to be worse bullies than boys and they often keep it up for longer.

Yeah, the type of bullying may tend more towards the verbal than the physical (which is not in every case, as other posters have shown), but that doesn't mean that it's any less painful. What you write off as "just name-calling" can severely affect children, who are only beginning to create their own personalities and identities. Name-calling, rumours, exclusion from groups, following people around, hiding their stuff, laughing whenever they speak... it mightn't be physical, but it leaves mental scars that last a lot longer than a physical bruise. It can cause self-esteem issues, social problems, anxiety, depression. And there have been many cases of people (both girls and boys) who have attempted/committed suicide because of that type of bullying.

Bullying is bullying, no matter what type it is. And writing off any type of bullying that isn't physical is part of the reason that so many accusations of bullying aren't taken seriously.

steddyeddy

I would put money on emotional bullying being far worse than a purely physical bully. The scars often run deeper and I would say this type has resulted in suicide as a previous poster pointed out.

zcorpian88

languagenerd wrote: »

What a load of crap. Girls tend to be worse bullies than boys and they often keep it up for longer.

Yeah, the type of bullying may tend more towards the verbal than the physical (which is not in every case, as other posters have shown), but that doesn't mean that it's any less painful. What you write off as "just name-calling" can severely affect children, who are only beginning to create their own personalities and identities. Name-calling, rumours, exclusion from groups, following people around, hiding their stuff, laughing whenever they speak... it mightn't be physical, but it leaves mental scars that last a lot longer than a physical bruise. It can cause self-esteem issues, social problems, anxiety, depression. And there have been many cases of people (both girls and boys) who have attempted/committed suicide because of that type of bullying.

Bullying is bullying, no matter what type it is. And writing off any type of bullying that isn't physical is part of the reason that so many accusations of bullying aren't taken seriously.

I can relate to some of what is said here, have had similar stuff happen to me when it comes to fellow classmates laughing whenever I spoke in class, say when answering a question and answering correctly or intelligently when other people in the class weren't bothered. When that happens it would make you not want to speak in future which effects confidence and self esteem. I was left out of groups but wasn't missing much anyway, as in my school the only way you could fit in, is if you were a dickhead to the staff in the school, now I don't mean just winding up the teacher for the craic only (which happens in every school) more stuff went on in mine and if you didn't do it you would be treated like an outcast the stuff you would have to do would be threatening the teachers and just give them guff for the entire class, dossing pretty much every class and somehow don't get caught, wrecking the classroom during a free like I mean total vandalism, I am talking throwing chairs and making giant holes in doors type of destruction, setting fires to bins, breaking doors off lockers, smashing glass cabinets, kicking in doors and throwing bins in through doors with the sound of a bunch of hyenas laughing and booting up the corridor to escape being seen by the teacher teaching the class. I could go on and on literally!

Other stuff ya'd have to do to fit in, in my school was turning yourself into a drug addict, often was criticized for not smoking hash or getting hammered on my weekends. Truth being I didn't have that kind of money and if I did I'd have better things to spend it on, this is one reason why I think the Celtic Tiger era ruined this country as teenagers had too much easy access to money to piss against the wall or hand it to some scumbag hash dealer.

Same criticism I got if I did some homework when I got a bit, to be fair to the school I was in, they didn't crease us with homework but if I got some I'd do it. Also had stuff stolen from my bag if I had to leave the room for a minute, I remember my geography copy was robbed one time which had important 6th year notes in it, I was going mad over it as I knew it was stolen and not lost as I remembered putting it in the bag, later that day I found it on a guys desk in my class who I really despised. I just took it back, ripped the pages out that he wrote in and left the papers torn up on his desk, had to be done. Loads of stuff I could mention but I'd be here all night typing. Truly an awful experience is what my secondary school life was. It was a massive slap in the face compared to where I went to primary which was a really strict school.

zcorpian88

PandaX9 wrote: »

For the first few years of my misfortune being in a "very prestigious" private all-girls school in South Dublin, there was a girl who made my life living hell. And it was completely unprecedented as well, one year we were bezzie mates and then she kissed my then-boyfriend at the time but he broke it off and told me in his guilt and well, that must've hit her pride like a train that god forbid he should choose me over her.

I had the misfortune of having about 10 classes a week with her, she would never say anything openly harsh but she was constantly glaring at me and looking down her nose at me just because I come from a rather modest background and she lives in a 6 storey house :rolleyes: Anyway, she would forever be undermining my confidence and being a general bitch with unwanted remarks about my appearance, my choice of words, everything. And I'm almost certain that because my parents are foreign, she viewed me as a social climbing second class citizen. It was absolutely horrible, it brought me to tears all the time and everyone ignored it because they didn't want to cause a scene. Unfortunately for me she was the kind of manipulative bitch that was so masterful at being a hateful cow that no matter what I could've said to a teacher, I'd have no evidence as "it doesn't sound at all distressing" out of context..

One day I snapped and made a list of everything she had said to me and brought it down to the principal, the principal brought her in and guess what? She turned on the waterworks, made me out to be the bully somehow (I honestly don't know how that happened - they mistook my crippling lack of self confidence and unwillingness to speak up as arrogance) and because of her combined manipulation skills and the fact that her daddy's endless wallet made him an excellent patron caused every teacher to take her word over mine, causing me effectively to go further back into my box and never report any subsequent bullying in my life. Luckily my parents took me out of that hellhole without me ever saying anything to them about my time in that school.

I still to this day have no idea why the school so openly let her get away with murder - but it sure as hell put me off ever trying to deal with bullies again because it absolutely broke my soul when I finally mustered the confidence to speak up and it backfired on me in a big time way. As far as I'm aware, she's still a shrew and everyone just laps it up. In my experience, the worst bullies have all been the young South Dublin girls that have daddy wrapped around their little fingers.

Sorry that that happened to you, disgraceful altogether. One thing I can't stand is over privileged students, the ones I have met make me glad I'm not loaded. I find people of more modest means are way more down to earth and easier to get on with in general.

Kirby

There are plenty of ways to deal withthat are sensible and responsible..... but you are relying on outside factors. You are relying on their parents to do the right thing. You are relying on teachers, principals, etc. to do the right thing. So while alerting an authority figure can work, it usually doesn't.

I had a friend who was the victim of some quite severe verbal torment and it took about 4 or 5 visits to the principal over two years before it stopped. It was a torturous process for the guy and I felt really bad for him.

So deal with it yourself. Sure fire way to deal with it. Hit them back. Hard.

While conventional wisdom would dictate that you wait till they are alone, I find from personal experience it's best to do it in a crowd, with alot of people watching. They wont risk being embarrassed again so publicly. They will leave you alone after that.

When I was about 15, there was a gang who used to hang out at the vending machines at school and generally made it very difficult for me during lunch time. The machines would regularly spit money out the bottom slot. We've all seen it happen before. These lads would regularly swipe it quick and then do the old juvenile 'keep away' crap. Taunt you, be nasty, stuff like that. Five or six of them on a regular basis. I'm overwieght so obviously this was stessfull to me.

One day when the euro slid out and they took it, I didn't bother with the routine. I just walked away. One of them kicked a chair out in front of me as I walked away to try and trip me. So I picked up the same chair and whacked him with it. A proper swing.

He went down like a ton of bricks and his mates jumped me. It was the only proper fight I've ever been in. Oddly enough, I actually came out of it okay and landed one of those wild swings that untrained people throw..... right on some guys nose. The 'crack' could be heard loud and clear. Have never heard anything like it.

We brawled about for about 10 seconds before it was broken up. About 100 people witnessed it but no teachers ever came to see me or reprimand me. Which I found odd. Either because nobody told them or some other reason. But a ton of people came up to me afterwards and asked me was I okay. It was nice to know people were on my side.

Never had any issue with them again and they relocated from the vending machines to a radiator on the other side of the school.

Tarkus

Times have changed a bit than back in my day...

I transferred to a suburban Catholic school from a city public school at 10 because my parents felt the area was getting too rough. The 1st day at lunch, they let us out in the playground for an hour after eating. I was immediately confronted my 10 of my classmates who surrounded me & wanted whatever money I had. They wore plastic rings on their hands like kid's brass knuckles, lol. I wouldn't give any so one punched me in the back of my head. I wheeled around & swung, missing him as he jumped back while another behind me hit me in the back of my head again. This 'game' went on for the lunch period with nothing but lumps for me.

Going to the lunch monitors (moms, not Nuns) did nothing as they said to get along & would go the other way.

Next day, it started all over tho this time I didn't wait, instead jumping forward, hitting the leader a good one & taking off like the wind. Lucky I was fast bugger & could play a good game of 'dodge' for the hour, infuriating them to no end. They'd catch me now & then, whale on me a bit but I'd always get a good one in & take off all over again. After school they chased me home every day for 3 weeks.

At home the bumps & bruises were written off as horseplay & nothing was said.

One night at dinner, my Mom asked me if anything was happening at school & I said no (didn't even think of the bully gang, seemed almost like a scheduled 'class' of sorts by that time). That's when my older sister chimed in that she found out that I was being roughed up everyday by these punks. I begged my parents not to do anything so it wouldn't get worse for me but they went to school the next day, the parents of the bullies were called in, the bullies suspended for a week.

Funny thing was, the Nuns whipped them all & they were more afraid of them than anything else. They disbanded immediately & 2 weeks later, the ring leader apologized & wanted to be my friend. lol Told him to stick his friendship up his nether regions.

Was I beaten down emotionally from this? No tho I'll admit I was scared silly at the beginning. Fast forward to HS where the school was split into 4 'pods' - NSE&W. The 1st day the best/fastest way was to go thru this one intersection. Problem was it was filled with a group of black guys. As I went down the hall, I was warned by a couple of sophomoresnearby that they wouldn't let anyone thru & that I should go downstairs & go around.

That would have made me late so I said screw that & walked the hall. They stopped me & asked where I was going, I told them class, they said to go around. I tried to walk thru & the same problem: one would confront me while another punched in the back of my head. I got thru them by getting hit while I swung wildly, occasionally getting one.

This went on for a couple weeks till one day as I walked up, one guy laughed : "Here comes that crazy white F'r" Then they all laughed & parted like the Red Sea. I never was friendly with any of them but from what everyone I knew said, I was the only guy they'd ever let thru.

So the 1st go round gave me enough strength/insanity to handle the HS crap. Just a usual progression of learning.

So standing up, no matter physical or verbal, is still what you want to instill in today's kid, at least to a good degree. Biggest problem is that the new technology, texting/social media/etc., has taken the place of a lot of the face to face time that was critical yesteryear. Add in the fear of society of getting sued by parents & you have the 'inmates running the asylum'.

There just has to be more aggressive monitoring by adults without being too intrusive so kids can still make their own way thru the hills & valleys. Outrage after the fact or a blanket zero tolerance doesn't solve each case which needs to be judged on it's own merit IMO.