Working on things

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm sure everyone has heard something similar to this and ive read similar ones but i'm looking for advice on my individual situation.

So I had been seeing this guy for about 3 months and we had decided to be friends since he had a lot going on in his life. He has a child and the relationship with the mother isn't the greatest from what i have heard. It took him a while to tell me about the child as he was worried about my reaction but I dealt with it and got over it and we moved on. There are other issues but this is the main one.
But then things kinda cooled and he pulled away without explaining things to me and i suggested we be just friends. That however seemed impossible as we both have feelings for each other and whenever we bumped into each other there was obvious flirting from both sides.

I had been getting upset with the situation as we had never had a serious talk about the situation or what we were going to do as it was clear being friends wasn't going to work and we had always been more than friends.
So then last week we were at a friends house and i managed to get him alone and we talked and i mean really talked about what was going on. It turns out that he got scared because he liked me more than he thought he would but he was scared of commitment due to his ex and pulled away because he was afraid of hurting me. He also said he enjoys my company and makes him forget about all the problems he has, he also admitted that he wants us to be more than friends but isn't ready for a full on commitment and that he wants to take things slow and see how things go but that in his opinion it will lead to there being an "us".
I told him that I'm there for him and im not like the ex and would never treat him the way she did during and after the relationship ended!

I myself am slightly afraid of commitment and i told him this, i also highlighted that i want more than just friends and that i am willing to take things slow and work up to a relationship over time.
We both got a lot of our chests and he promised not to pull away again and to talk to me about things. Which he has done since then.
Now the day after the talk he went to Germany on holidays with some friends and is back later in the week.

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on where to go from here? would it be okay for me to suggest that we hang out a couple of days after he gets back?
I don't want to come off too full on and im trying to take the going slow bit into consideration.
I haven'y had many serious relationships and i think that over time this guy could become serious and I just don't want to ruin anything. any advice is appreciated

Gooner111

Your version of taking things slow and his could be way off. Ask him how he wants to proceed. But even when taking things slow you's need to see each other. Wait a day or so after he has got back and then text him. Say hello, ask how the holiday went and if he fancies meeting up one of the nights to do something.

Ellsbells

Yeah what does he mean by taking it slow? Will you be sleeping together but free to meet other people? Is that what you want?

if he is unsure, I would leave him to contact me when he gets home.

ash23

OP, it doesn't sound good to be honest. It sounds like he is very "meh" about you. Now, he might have a million reasons and excuses and explanations for this. But personally I am of the belief that if a person is really interested in you, nothing will stand in their way. Male or female.
Some of my relationships started when the timing quite literally couldn't have been worse. But if the interest is there, it will happen.

I've never heard a great love story where one person was lukewarm about getting involved.

I think he likes you but just not enough to put the effort in to make a relationship work. And I think you like him too much as you seem willing to accept the scraps he deigns to throw at you.
You've demoted yourself from potential girlfriend and given him all the power and decision making.

i also highlighted that i want more than just friends and that i am willing to take things slow and work up to a relationship over time.

I think this is basically saying to him that he can pretty much have you on his own terms.

By all means give him a call. But honestly OP, been there done that and I can already tell you how this ends.
1. He keeps you on the hook without committing or giving you anything in return.
2. Over time he loses respect for you and treats you worse and worse.
3. Eventually either he moves on or you get so downtrodden that you end it.


It might not be the exact way it goes but it will definitely not end in "happily ever after".

If you want to be sure, wait. Wait for him to call you, wait for him to make a date.

Piliger

Hi OP. I think you are handling it extremely well. This guy seems a very decent bloke but has a lot of baggage at his age that you don't and he has a lot of pressures to deal with. It looks to me like he has been very open and honest once you pinned him down. His reasons for not being so from the beginning make complete sense.
When he comes back, go and spend time with him after a couple of days, but have a chat about what he means and what you mean by slow. He probably doesn't want to find himself on the path to marriage again at this stage and as a result is afraid of any commitment. You should agree that you are just boyfriend and girlfriend and that's where it will stay for at least 6 months. You don't talk about any sexual involvement at this stage so there may be none. if there is or will be, I would suggest that you keep it occasional and not every time you spend time together. Passion is very hard to reign in once it takes hold and some kind of structure to keep to helps a lot.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

First of all no there will be no sexual relationship for awhile i said that i would prefer if we kept that until a bit further down the line, he was fine with and agreed it would be silly to rush into things.

No we are not seeing other people, this was one thing i was worried about and made sure it was clarified.
it wasn't the best place to go into everything as we were in a house full of people. to me the way we left things is that we are going to make a go of it but take it slowly, spend time with each other and see how things progress into what he believes will be a proper relationship. I think its possible as well, since the first time we met we clicked and some work colleagues who had never met him thought we were already in a relationship.

I also don't want to jump into a relationship straight away.
we've been in contact a few times while he's been away

I think i'll message him a day or so after he gets back to make plans to meet up and just see how things go i guess!