Boys, Men and crying

iptba

I brought this up in the "Man up" thread, but a mod said it was the subject of another thread.

Do people think there is more pressure on males (boys and men) not to cry? (I do; for example, when somebody has died or because of a movie)

If so, do you think it's a good thing? I'm inclined to think extra pressure on boys and men is not a good thing.

Where does the pressure come from, for boys and men?
Do many parents say "big boys don't cry" now or is that dying out?

Sonics2k

I have to get my dog put down on Monday after 16 years of loyal companionship, walks, love and the best creature I've ever known.

To hell society pressures, I'm going to blubber like mad.

DazMarz

I used to cry a helluva lot... but now not so much. Think it's just cos I've had a lot of positive changes.

Still, that said, there are times when you just can't help but cry. I think that it's gone now that guys' friends (their true friends) would never judge and would always just be the shoulder to cry on and support nowadays (that's my experience of it, anyway).

There's also the crying at sporting events; this seems to be universally accepted. Happened a lot to me (last day of the 09/10 Premier League Season; All-Ireland Football Final 2011; Champions League Final 2012; All-Ireland Football Semi-Final 2006 [a sad one]).

Amongst my friends, there does not seem to be any stigma or crying if especially upset. It happens to us all, at some point. Any guy who says he's never cried in sadness or happiness before is a liar!

Personally, I see no problem with it. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

SlyBacon93

I think after the age of 14 or so you make a mental note to try and cry as little as possible

iptba

DazMarz wrote: »

I think that it's gone now that guys' friends (their true friends) would never judge and would always just be the shoulder to cry on and support nowadays (that's my experience of it, anyway).

I'm confused by the wording here ["gone now" and "never"] so thought I might as well ask: are you saying

"guys' friends (their true friends) would never judge and would always just be the shoulder to cry on and support nowadays (that's my experience of it, anyway)"

but might have judged/similar in a different era?

xDramaxQueenx

I personally wouldn't look down on anybody who needed to cry.

I mean, obviously there is something thats upsetting them if they're crying, and I don't think it should be discouraged. If it were my friend that was in tears I most certainly wouldn't tell him to man up, and if he wanted to talk to me about it, i'd be there to listen.

Princess Peach

I would be a little worried by a guy who never cries, like in really tough situations. Doesn't seem healthy really.

And at sappy films. He doesn't she a tear at Marley and Me, he's dead inside :pac:

leggo

I'm like Chandler in that episode of Friends with sad movies or TV scenes: I don't know when, but once the floodgates opened, I'm a sucker. I'll never blubber now or even properly cry, just a lonely tear and a 'man sob', as I call them.

Off the top of my head, things that have 'gotten' me over the past while: Toy Story 3 (THAT scene), pretty much every dramatic moment in the second half of the last Harry Potter movie, that middle-aged impersonator woman's audition on Britain's Got Talent, the twist in the middle of the last series of The Walking Dead. I cried during The Walking ****ing Dead for god's sake.

Outside of that? Nah, I pretty much never cry. I wouldn't have a problem with doing so, but I find that in a situation that would be appropriate to do so, I'm pretty much the guy expected to try cheer everyone else up.

There are certain people out there who judge men for doing so. But I judge them right back for thinking there's a 'right way' and a 'wrong way' to be a man. Mainly for their 'womanly' insecurities, in this case about their gender.

DazMarz

iptba wrote: »

I'm confused by the wording here ["gone now" and "never"] so thought I might as well ask: are you saying
but might have judged/similar in a different era?

I was basically saying that the way it is in the modern day ("gone now") that it is pretty acceptable for guys to shed tears. And their friends would not judge them (not if they were true friends).

I've actually seen guys getting told where to go for teasing (or worse) a guy who was crying. There isn't anything wrong with crying.

Clichéd or not, I think that it takes a strong man to actually be able to show emotion and not be afraid of appearing 'weak' or anything else.

flowerchild

iptba wrote: »

Do many parents say "big boys don't cry" now or is that dying out?

Never. I just was saying last night to one son (who had had a bad fall) that crying is good for you because it releases a chemical that helps you feel better. Just a moment later he stopped crying .

If an adult man cried I would feel both concern for him and respect for his openess. Aside from the death of a family member, if he cried all the time, I would encourage him to get professional help. So for me it comes down to context and frequency.

krudler

If you're upset and need to then just do it, this "man up and bottle everything in" is one of the reasons why suicide amongst young men is so high in this country, because guys are constantly told that "real men dont cry" well you know what, fcuk that. real men do cry if they need to.

Hardonraging

I think a lot of it comes down to reaching a stage in life where you accept things.
My point being, last year we buried my gran, she was in her 90's had an epic life, i seriously hope i dont live that long tho !!

Anyway, she was pretty ok up until the last month or so, mentally i knew what was coming, while i was sad that she was gone, I felt she had such an amazing life there was no cause to shed a tear.

Viper_JB

Princess Peach wrote: »

I would be a little worried by a guy who never cries, like in really tough situations. Doesn't seem healthy really.

And at sappy films. He doesn't she a tear at Marley and Me, he's dead inside :pac:

Marley and Me got me pretty bad alright, last 15 minutes of the movie went along the lines of pause the movie, compose myself watch a few more minutes, pause the movie, compose myself watch a bit more and so on.....though watching

grames_bond

Sonics2k wrote: »

I have to get my dog put down on Monday after 16 years of loyal companionship, walks, love and the best creature I've ever known.

To hell society pressures, I'm going to blubber like mad.

Sorry to hear that sonics, same thing happened to me a few months ago - I cried like a new born baby and I couldn't give a f*ck what people thought of me!

Also if you don't shed a tear during The green mile - I don't want to talk to you ever!

Hell, myself, galvasean and maguined went to see the lion king when it came back to the cinema - we were silent during "that scene" but there was alot of sniffing!

Rossin

havent cried since i was a kid(29 now) i know for a fact the only thing that would change that would be if something were to happen to my parents/siblings


although the start of UP was a tough one

Shiny

Major events of national pride (Like this or this) tend to set me off.

I would never hold it against any guy.

Princess Peach

Viper_JB wrote: »

Marley and Me got me pretty bad alright, last 15 minutes of the movie went along the lines of pause the movie, compose myself watch a few more minutes, pause the movie, compose myself watch a bit more and so on.....though watching

You shouldn't need to compose yourself! Just let it out

Viper_JB

Princess Peach wrote: »

You shouldn't need to compose yourself! Just let it out

Normally I would agree but was kinda semi watching it at the start on a second screen while working from home towards the end the work stuff had moved to the second screen I had forgotten about the work and was fully watching it on the main screen. So took breaks to work while waiting for the lump in my throat to subside .

I don't know what it is but anything I see dogs getting hurt or killed in movies I find it really sad, even in I am legend was the only bit that bothered me in the movie lol.

Piliger

SlyBacon93 wrote: »

I think after the age of 14 or so you make a mental note to try and cry as little as possible

Demonstrating that the major damage to boys is being done when they are small - by their parents, a huge proportion of whom still tell their boys not to cry.

It appears to me that the attitude across our society here about men crying has improved beyond description.

I am a complete sap with tv programs and films.

Mr. CooL ICE

Sonics2k wrote: »

I have to get my dog put down on Monday after 16 years of loyal companionship, walks, love and the best creature I've ever known.

To hell society pressures, I'm going to blubber like mad.

Awww

/manhug

TouchingVirus

September 18th 2011 (when Dublin won the All Ireland), it just happened. One second I was nervous, sweating, excited, almost despairing at the miss and the next second I couldn't see for the tears. Proper emotional, I'll never forget it.

When it happens, there's usually a good reason for it and even if there isn't, fcuk off with your judging.

Piliger

Sonics2k wrote: »

I have to get my dog put down on Monday after 16 years of loyal companionship, walks, love and the best creature I've ever known.

To hell society pressures, I'm going to blubber like mad.

I am going to be in that situation in a few months time and I will be exactly the same. I absolutely dread it !!

CastorTroy

Sorry to hear about having to put your dogs to sleep. I remember having to make the decision on the phone to my parents, while I was living in Dublin. They phoned me at night Feb 13th to tell me she was really sick and would have to be put down and asked what I wante dto do. I phoned them the next morning to tell them to go ahead and they told me she died earlier that morning. Yeah I love Valentine's Day as well.

I'm someone who was easily made cry up until I was about 15.

These days to get me upset, stick on one of the old Lassie movies(Courage of Lassie, Lassie Come Home, etc.) or, oddly enough, the part in My Girl where Vada breaks down at the coffin.
And if you want the most depressing animated movie ever: Plague Dogs

But I'm sure there'll be loads of grown men crying around here either way in a couple of weeks time.

Grid.

Nothing wrong with shedding tears, doesn't make you any less manly.

Piliger

Grid. wrote: »

Nothing wrong with shedding tears, doesn't make you any less manly.

Also - off on an ever so slight tangent ... as a guy 50+ who has had a 24 month period of hell.....five ghastly things happened all in the same short period in my life and nearly took me down....

I would say to any younger guy going through some deeply stressful period, that a good uncontrolled cry is an incredible stress reliever... despite how ghastly the crying itself may be.

the_syco

Sonics2k wrote: »

I have to get my dog put down on Monday after 16 years of loyal companionship, walks, love and the best creature I've ever known.

/manhug

When my own dog passed away (old age), didn't really cry. Felt sad for a bit, but it wasn't until something happened that reminded me of her (I think I actually called for her without thinking when I saw something she'd like) that I actually shed a few tears.

Aside from that, some films would nearly make me cry, but without thinking about it I'd stop myself from crying, as "big boys don't cry" :rolleyes::mad:

MaxSteele

When I was 16, a family friend and the local window cleaner who used to a job on our windows every Friday, hung himself, Nice bloke.

Then a few weeks later on a session somewhere, I was just standing sipping away at a drink and had this flashback of seeing a little school girl running happily into his arms with a big smile on his face.

Hit me like a cinder block. Had an aul weep to myself.

Bull76

Alot of mammies tell there son's that big boys don't cry. It's not until later on in life that those big boys have emotional issues. Crying is not a weakness it is a relief to let it out.
I for one have and do shed a tear when the occasion happens. sometimes while watching a movie a little tear will happen due to the emotion that is been felt.
We all need a hug when we feel emotional and if a tear or a good bludder happens then so be it. Express your feelings and emotion's like a well grounded person should do.

DazMarz

It's amazing how dogs can bring out such emotion. And it's also easy to see why. They are the most loyal friends people can have. They are always delighted to see you, they are loyal, they are great companions, they will defend you and your loved ones without regard to their own safety, etc.

I never had a dog growing up, but I love dogs. They are wonderful pets (especially when looked after properly and loved by their owners) and I totally understand the relationship people can have with them and how deep it can be.

I recall seeing a friend of mine totally cut up over the death of his dog. He seemed grand at the time (he was in work and kinda just soldiered on through it). But he was really upset and said he'd cried a good bit over it.

It's also in films where you might not shed a tear at all over the death of a character, but if a dog (especially a heroic dog) dies... forget it. Blubbering like a 3 year old...

jack89

I definitely experienced pressure not to cry as a child. I think as a man I'm better dealing with a problem by getting angry (not losing the head though) but despite what I was told as a child, whenever things get too stressful and I have a good cry the problem never seems as big a deal afterwards. I think you can shed tears in a manly way and get your emotions out without getting over sensitive about it, not that there's anything wrong with being sensitive every now and again.

RDM_83 again

Interestingly men are less prone to tears (visible ones anyway) than woman due to larger tear ducts and potentially hormonal differences, this would give a biological impetus for crying being feminine behaviour.

I can't remember the article or book but historically in Europe men crying may have actually been more socially acceptable in terms of major events unlike the early 20th century stiff upper lip.

Wompa1

Didn't cry for over 10 years. Then cried a few times in short amount of time. Cried a couple of times in the last year. But I'm single now and probably will be a long time.

"No Woman, No Cry"

shalalala

I must say, there is nothing nicer for me then seeing a cute man show their tender side and having a cry. I fell for my OH when he shed a tear.

eviltwin

Better out than in I say. I will cry if I need to and I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I've seen the damage a stiff upper lip does to a man who won't allow himself to grieve.

Giselle

Its great that people are free to cry openly if they need to, but its still okay if someone isn't the crying type.

Its often a personality thing, and thats okay too.

First Explorer

Have to say the last time I cried was watching Marley and Me with the GF about two weeks ago. The memories came flooding back of the day I went with my dad to get our dog which we had for over 14 years put down. It was approx 10 years ago so thought I was over it, but watching the movie all the memories came flooding back and I couldn't help but cry. The GF was fine no tears at all which makes me wonder what is it about a man and his dog? Not many movies have had that effect on me so not sure if it would have impacted on me the same if I hadn't been through a similar experience myself.

Galwayguy35

I cried openly when my parents died, I didn't want to do it in front of people but just couldn't help it.

My brother never cried at either funeral, not because he wasn't upset but because he always bottles up his feelings, I suppose everyone is different

Kooli

Wompa1 wrote: »

"No Woman, No Cry"

I know it's off topic, but a lot of people seem to assume that lyric means 'if you don't have a woman, you won't cry'.

But he's actually saying 'No, woman. Don't cry'. As in, telling a woman not to cry. Liked the song a lot more when I realised that!

IT-Guy

I cry at funerals and there's a few movies that always choke me up, the end of saving private ryan gets me every time, marley and me had me welling up too. Feels good to let it out, notions about manliness are just that, notions

Ironman76

"It takes a really brave man to cry"

Rutger Hauer- Blind Fury

Feisar

Princess Peach wrote: »

I would be a little worried by a guy who never cries, like in really tough situations. Doesn't seem healthy really.

And at sappy films. He doesn't she a tear at Marley and Me, he's dead inside :pac:

Hahaha! I cried during that film. Well a large quantity of salty liquid ran down my face. There was no sobbing involved. To be fair I did have a Golden Labrador, Bruno as a child. He was a bit mental like Marley.

Rossin

id get choked up, but manage to hold in there

I just express my emotions in whatever way I think right at the time. I do not hold back because of some one elses baseless notions of what constitutes manliness. I do not recall feeling any pressure from anyone to change though.

antoswords

My 9 month old nephew was rushed to hospital last week with suspected meningitis, I rang the folks house and was talking to my Mam, she was in bits, she cries a lot anyway. Then she said "I'll put your Dad on", so at first he was like "were you talking to Paul" (My Nephew's father), I said " no, they are waiting for the results of the tests to come back", I said we have to stay positive etc etc, and then there was silence on the phone, followed by a heartbreaking sound of my dad trying to hold back the tears. It tore me apart. My dad, like many of yours, is probably really 'old School' and never cries. When we ended the phone call, I cried, I cried for my dad because he was hurting.

My dad is a 'real man' if you like. And it proved to me that real men do cry.


On a brighter note, my nephew is going to be fine, I was talking to my brother yesterday, and I heard him giggling in the background

LeeHoffmann

antoswords, glad to hear your nephew is well. Really. I was holding my breath reading your post!

My Dad was a very strong alpha male type who hated the whole ´men don´t cry´ thing. He cried in front of us at his brothers and sisters funerals and it sent a very positive message to his sons and nephew. They´re grown up now - big sturdy rugby-playing men who have no problem showing emotion, crying if they need to, and showing their soft/romantic side. I know that´s because of my Dad´s example. I´m very grateful to my Dad and proud of him for that. I don´t know how my they´d have coped with some of the things that have happened in the last few years if they couldn´t do that. Paradoxically, I´m the only girl in the family - and I´m the one who can´t cry in front of other people, not even when my Dad died.

LittleBook

antoswords wrote: »

My 9 month old nephew was rushed to hospital last week with suspected meningitis, I rang the folks house and was talking to my Mam, she was in bits, she cries a lot anyway. Then she said "I'll put your Dad on", so at first he was like "were you talking to Paul" (My Nephew's father), I said " no, they are waiting for the results of the tests to come back", I said we have to stay positive etc etc, and then there was silence on the phone, followed by a heartbreaking sound of my dad trying to hold back the tears. It tore me apart. My dad, like many of yours, is probably really 'old School' and never cries. When we ended the phone call, I cried, I cried for my dad because he was hurting.

My dad is a 'real man' if you like. And it proved to me that real men do cry.


On a brighter note, my nephew is going to be fine, I was talking to my brother yesterday, and I heard him giggling in the background

That story made me cry, don't think I've ever seen my dad cry but honestly can't think of a time when I would have expected him to, I guess we're lucky.

Glad your nephew is OK.

The Black Oil

I was intending to visit the Sept 11th memorial in New York, but I came across St. Paul's Church. To anybody visiting the city I'd encourage you to go there. It's just a small church, but it's a very moving experience. After that I didn't need to see any official site, not because of tears, just that the contents of this Church told me enough about the human cost of that day.

It was probably the most moving memorial site I've been to, though most I've seen only really had plaques and were much older such as Dachau and that. I only spent about 20 minutes in the church there before leaving. It was very emotional and upsetting. More so than any documentary I've seen about that day. I didn't cry, but any one who visits there and says they were not affected by it is either a liar or emotionally dead.

On a separate note, when I did a bit of work in a primary school (single sex) some of the boys cried from accidents in the yard. Attempts to drive it out of us are probably start during the teen years and beyond, though...I don't know.

Galwayguy35

I don't think anyone tries to "drive out" the urge to cry in men.


But I must admit that I never got this thing of crying for people that you don't know, sure we would feel that something that happened was terrible but crying for someone we don't know or at a place where something terrible happened in the past I just don't get.

RonocD

I'm nearly 30 and sport and emotion gets me all the time, even a emotional sporting movie gets me too. For example Cool Runnings when they crash on the bobsleigh run and they end up carrying their sleighed across the line, that has always something in my eye.
Anything with sport and emotion I'm gone

peking97

DazMarz wrote: »

It's amazing how dogs can bring out such emotion. And it's also easy to see why. They are the most loyal friends people can have. They are always delighted to see you, they are loyal, they are great companions, they will defend you and your loved ones without regard to their own safety, etc.
.

All very true, and they have another very noble quality... forgiveness. Stand on his paw and within a millisecond he's totally forgiven you!

SwarfegaHead

i get tears in my eyes every time i read this: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox

or this: http://thedailywhat.tumblr.com/post/31794892557/mans-best-friend-forever-of-the-day-after-miguel

or this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/10/AR2009041003357.html

Dogs, man. They're wonderful.

There are a lot of songs and movies and such that get me every time. Pixar are experts at getting me to shed tears! And it's not always out of sadness, tears of joy and beauty are pretty great.