Boys, Men and crying

cian68

Just last week I watched 'Dear Zachary' and got moved like I hadn't in a long time. Also I have to go to the dentist this week so expect tears there for different reasons. That **** hurts.

smash

It's been years since I last cried and when it happened I stopped myself pretty quick because the one time in my life I needed to actually cry I couldn't, so everything else seems like a petty reason compared to it.

johnr1

I don't think I've ever cried as an adult, and any time I've come close it's been with anger over a severe injustice done to someone who didn't deserve it rather than sadness.

Never cried when my Mom died, but as that was cancer, we had lots of time to grieve before the day came.

I broke my hole laughing in the cinema when the howls went up as Jack slipped into the water in Titanic.

Marley & Me had no effect even though I LOVE dogs. Too contrived imo.


Examples of where I'd have a lump in my throat would be while watching films like Rabbit Proof Fence on In the name of the Father, or reading of how in 1847 the Choctaw nation, (one of the most abused people's on earth) gathered 769 dollars and sent it around the world when they heard that the people in a small country were dying of starvation, a fate they knew plenty about.

Stuff like that.

Maybe I'm slightly autistic or something, although I have no issues showing emotions - just not by crying.

.

renofan

My father has manic depression. Kept it hidden for years though I always knew something wasn't right. Then in 2001 on the way to somewhere in the car he just stopped the car in the middle of a town and got out and cried his eyes out. The last thing anyone was expecting.

It amazed me that back then it was something that had to be kept hidden, mum wouldn't let on to anyone that anything was amiss and we were instructed by mum and also by dad's family and even doctors not to tell anyone. It was and still is very hard to deal with his depression but fortunately the last few years its becoming more acceptable to admit one suffers from depression.

I can honestly say that Dad crying tore me to bits and seeing him cry now is hard but crying actually helps him deal with the pressures he feels under.

Basically I'm trying to say is NEVER EVER bottle up your feelings, cry if you need to and please talk to someone you trust if you feel under so much pressure that you'll burst. Talking and crying will help.

BelgradeGirl

It's nice to see Irish men have normal and healthy opinion about crying. Not like guys from Balkans, where is still kind of popular "i never cried in my life" attitude. It's sad that some men show their sorrow through the anger. Time passes and they get just more and more angry, not realizing their anger have a root in something totally different. It ends up with serious health problems, like high blood pressure, heart problems etc.

DazMarz

And here, lads... James Bond even cries in Skyfall, and Daniel Craig is arguably the most "manly" Bond of all of them... So if Daniel Craig's Bond can shed a few tears, any of us can!!!

Piliger

Whenever I hear someone I am acquainted making any kind of diminishing comment about boys/men crying I give them a ear full !

Richard Hillman

Film and sport always does it for me.

Piliger

Watching and thinking about the slaughter in Newtown this week ......... heartbreaking .... and impossible not to tear up every single time ...

nucker

iptba wrote: »

I brought this up in the "Man up" thread, but a mod said it was the subject of another thread.

Do people think there is more pressure on males (boys and men) not to cry? (I do; for example, when somebody has died or because of a movie)

If so, do you think it's a good thing? I'm inclined to think extra pressure on boys and men is not a good thing.

Where does the pressure come from, for boys and men?
Do many parents say "big boys don't cry" now or is that dying out?

I cried when I thought my grandma was going to die (I do know she will one day), the thought of missing her really got to me, even was crying publicly...the reason? I am human, I don't want to be told that I shouldn't cry because I'm a man

iptba

BelgradeGirl wrote: »

It's nice to see Irish men have normal and healthy opinion about crying. Not like guys from Balkans, where is still kind of popular "i never cried in my life" attitude. It's sad that some men show their sorrow through the anger. Time passes and they get just more and more angry, not realizing their anger have a root in something totally different. It ends up with serious health problems, like high blood pressure, heart problems etc.

A pet theory of mine, for what it's worth, is that a more militarised environment e.g. where there was fighting in living memory, military service, conscription, etc. might lead to more men in society being "macho" (and this effect influencing others with regard to the acceptability of crying). Ireland doesn't have a history of fighting "proper" wars* in recent times, military service, high numbers in the military so I wonder can there be differences compared to some other nations.

*excluding terrorism and the relatively small numbers in the professional army taking part in UN missions and the like.

CastorTroy

May make you tear up.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y

nucker

Here's me talking about my grandma last night and what do I hear? Yup, she's had a stroke It doesn't look good either

py2006

My eyes tend to get watery over happy things.

Try lasting 30 secs on this one...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr7DcJdbCS0

Liam McPoyle

One thing that always gets to me is anything involving sick children.

Some of you may have seen recently on Sky Sports News,they have been running a thing called "My Special Day" where very sick/terminally ill kids meet their sporting hero's.

Last week there was a 6 year old boy with liver cancer that got to visit Manchester City's training ground and hang out with Joe Hart.

Heart wrenching stuff.

miamee

nucker wrote: »

Here's me talking about my grandma last night and what do I hear? Yup, she's had a stroke It doesn't look good either

I hope she is doing ok nucker, sorry to hear that

py2006

py2006 wrote: »

My eyes tend to get watery over happy things.

Try lasting 30 secs on this one...

I had to quit after two minutes.

I'm in bits.

nucker

miamee wrote: »

I hope she is doing ok nucker, sorry to hear that

It's part of life, death is, but she has been a big part of me when the parents couldn't be bothered. So, I will miss her sorely when she goes eventually

SNORBEAST

Have no problem what so- ever with men crying, I'm 41 and my mother passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago, still have a cry most days thinking about it.

leggo

leggo wrote: »

I'm like Chandler in that episode of Friends with sad movies or TV scenes: I don't know when, but once the floodgates opened, I'm a sucker. I'll never blubber now or even properly cry, just a lonely tear and a 'man sob', as I call them.

That's the same with me. I laughed during Marley and Me - yes, I know that's terrible, but during movies like Up I needed to use my manly cough, or even the likes of Life in a Day, where I was a bubbling mess.

I cry sometimes. Not often, mind. There are days and situations, where is needed to just get all of those feelings out of you. And it works. Then you make a nice cup of tea and things aren't bad now.

There was one website though, that I did cry like a baby looking at and that's Days with My Father.

Randy Shafter

I always used to think that I shouldn't cry because I'm a bloke and that I could keep my emotions together without crying. Just feel sad and thats it. However, when my uncle died a few years ago we were listening to the song that would be played during his funeral and I saw my Dad crying. I've never seen him cry and I think that set me off. I was a blubbering wreck come the funeral.

Personally I think there isn't anything wrong with fellas crying. It can be a a relief to just let it all out instead of bottling it up. In fact I think that crying can be part of the healing process in events where someone has lost a loved one.

miamee

Randy Shafter wrote: »

I always used to think that I shouldn't cry because I'm a bloke and that I could keep my emotions together without crying. Just feel sad and thats it. However, when my uncle died a few years ago we were listening to the song that would be played during his funeral and I saw my Dad crying. I've never seen him cry and I think that set me off. I was a blubbering wreck come the funeral.

Personally I think there isn't anything wrong with fellas crying. It can be a a relief to just let it all out instead of bottling it up. In fact I think that crying can be part of the healing process in events where someone has lost a loved one.

Crying almost always makes you feel better once you have dried your tears. It is a physical release of all the bottled up emotions and frustrations inside I think.

Randy Shafter

miamee wrote: »

Crying almost always makes you feel better once you have dried your tears. It is a physical release of all the bottled up emotions and frustrations inside I think.

I agree with you there miamee! I look back at the times I didn't cry and think to myself 'maybe it wouldn't have hurt to have a cry then. It wouldn't have made me any less of a man. It would show I'm human and have feelings'. Although having said that, I'm aware that there are times people can't cry for various reasons be it from shock from a traumatic event etc. IMO there isn't anything wrong with that. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and thats fine! But crying definitely does make you feel better.

lester76

Candie wrote: »

I had to quit after two minutes.

Ok that got me im such a big girl that broke my heart,stupid emotions:eek:

nucker

miamee wrote: »

I hope she is doing ok nucker, sorry to hear that

Yeah, she is a lot more responsive now, anyway, a bit thanks

DazMarz

Following on from the military reunions video, I remember this:

I was coming home from a holiday in America. I was in the airport, and I just noticed a lot of young people in combat fatigues in the airport. At the security clearance areas, there were dozens of young men and women (some looked like they were barely out of school), all in their military uniforms, all with their knapsacks with their names on them, all saying their tearful goodbyes to their loved ones (mostly parents and siblings in this case, but some to their partners/wives and children).

It numbed me. Young people that were going to Iraq/Afghanistan to serve their country. They were going to the worst places on earth, to serve their country. Regardless what we may think about the wars in Iraq and so on, these young people were going into the mouth of hell so that the rest of us need not have to. I never knew about the soldiers who served there, but this put a very real, very human and very relatable face upon the whole thing. These enlisted soldiers were like you and me; they were normal people who were signed up to do an extraordinary job and if necessary they would make the ultimate sacrifice.

The one that really forced me to choke back tears was a young man (about 18 or 19) hugging his parents and his little brother. The little brother (about 7 or 8 years old, I'd say) looked at him, tears in his eys, and said "I love you. Please don't go." The young man couldn't reply. I swear, it was absolutely heart-wrenching.

Sometimes, I wonder if he did come back and if he's happy and well... or if his family got that dreaded letter of regret from the Department of Defence and a crisply folded flag. I sincerely hope it's the former.

knucklehead6

I can't watch the end of apollo 13 without getting a bit teary!!

I think it's cos it's the first time i ever really saw my dad get teary eyed....

stick-dan

I certainly would never judge anyone who needed a good cry. We will all go through things in our lives. Crying is a natural response to most who encounter a emotional heartbreaking time in their lives. Regardless of if it is the loss of a loved one, a friend or a partner, crying helps you to feel better about yourself strangely enough and is a natural reaction to these situations. To judge someone who needs a good cry on occasion says more about the person judging rather than the person crying.

Peanut Butter Jelly

I bought the "Senna" DVD a few months ago, and it is in the same place since the day I took it out of the bag with the plastic on it. I just can't bring myself to watch it, cause I know I will be balling me eyes out crying by the time it finishes. I knew it when I bought it but I still got it.

Please don't judge me.

iptba

13 June 2014

New research shows men are more emotional than women - See more at: http://www.royalmailgroup.com/new-research-shows-men-are-more-emotional-women#sthash.uX0jxWYJ.dpuf

The study has a small sample. There are other issues too and I'm certainly not claiming it's definitive. But I thought it was interesting to see the contrast between the physiological response and what the men and women reported.

SterlingArcher

iptba wrote: »

13 June 2014


The study has a small sample. There are other issues too and I'm certainly not claiming it's definitive. But I thought it was interesting to see the contrast between the physiological response and what the men and women reported.

Just another thing we are better at than women. We can't let them have anything. In their faces the cold hearted bitches.

Interesting read.

ancapailldorcha

I forgot how good the Guardian can be:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/02/young-men-mental-health-crisis-support-cuts?CMP=twt_gu

Didn't think that this was worth starting a thread but it might fit here.

Howshocowpownw

A man making a habit of full on tears and blubbering wouldn't be for me. The single manly tear in some circumstances is okay. I would be a little old school in that view.

Pepe LeFrits

Good contribution.

eviltwin

Howshocowpownw wrote: »

Nothing more pathetic than a man crying. Single manly tear in some circumstances is okay.

Really? No circumstances at all where its okay for a man to cry?

Howshocowpownw

eviltwin wrote: »

Really? No circumstances at all where its okay for a man to cry?

As in blubbering like a baby ? Of course not.

Call Me Jimmy

Why?

eviltwin

Howshocowpownw wrote: »

As in blubbering like a baby ? Of course not.

Even following the death of a spouse or child?

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - Howshocowpownw, I would suggest you read TGC charter and get a feel for the forum before posting here again

Howshocowpownw

eviltwin wrote: »

Even following the death of a spouse or child?

As the man, you would have to stay strong for the rest of the family.

Howshocowpownw

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Mod note - Howshocowpownw, I would suggest you read TGC charter and get a feel for the forum before posting here again

...

Call Me Jimmy

Howshocowpownw wrote: »

As the man, you would have to stay strong for the rest of the family.

What will happen to the family if a man is not 'strong' occasionally? Will there be consequences?

ancapailldorcha

Howshocowpownw wrote: »

As the man, you would have to stay strong for the rest of the family.

Because women & children are incapable of strength?

Howshocowpownw

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Because women & children are incapable of strength?

That's not a nice thing to say.

Pawwed Rig

Mod note - Howshocowpownw, do not post in this thread again. Folks, don't feed the trolls.

EvanCornwallis

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Because women & children are incapable of strength?

He didn't say that. A lot of people would view the man as head of the house hold and not overly emotional. More old fashioned view, but still common enough.

iptba

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I forgot how good the Guardian can be:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/02/young-men-mental-health-crisis-support-cuts?CMP=twt_gu

Didn't think that this was worth starting a thread but it might fit here.

I found some of the comments touched on issues I'm interested in
e.g.

The male of today is expected to live up to the standards of yesteryear - risking his life in war excepted - yet his social prestige has been degraded. Turn on the TV and every other advert shows 'dad' making a fool of himself, being the butt of the joke, etc.

More women than men go to higher education, more woman than men secure graduate positions yet we still treat the former as an oppressed minority in today's labour market because a small clique of men at the top of the food chain has managed to insulate itself from job market trends.

And then, of course, there's the Guardian's rabid anti-masculinism (Valensi, I'm looking at you). Sometimes it does seem you just can't win.

Yes this is true. Men are to be masculine when it suits women, and then when women want to be masculine men are not permitted to be feminine (despite having been conditioned by the education system and prevailing culture to be a "new man"). And furthermore men are expected to intuitively know which gender role the women around them are in the mood for. If feminism had successfully socialised women to be accepting of men in feminine roles then everything would knit together in a more gender equal society, however something seems to have stopped this happening effectively. Perhaps there are limits to socialisation and some underlying biology has thrown a giant spanner in the social engineering experiment we have lived through in the west, or perhaps feminism hasn't accept the corollary of its aims in terms of women needing to accept men as feminine - certainly many feminists selfishly seek to have their cake and eat it whilst failing to recognise the double gender privilege they enjoy and impact this has on some men. But it also affects the feminists themselves - the generation of high achieving single women in their 30's and 40's who cannot find a partner of the requisite "status" to have children with will have some reflecting to do. Or they'll just get a sperm donation instead and denounce men as useless and obsolete.

Beware of unintended consequences.

What kind of traits to women find attractive in men? What kind of traits make men popular with other men?

The answers to those questions are no doubt multi-layered, and of course will be different from person to person, but I don't think it's wise to ignore factors that seem to be cross-cultural, and make a certain degree of sense for a social animal. This in no way means we shouldn't support people in difficulty, but I'm not sure it's realistic to expect expectations of men to fundamentally change.

eviltwin

EvanCornwallis wrote: »

He didn't say that. A lot of people would view the man as head of the house hold and not overly emotional. More old fashioned view, but still common enough.

and then people wonder why so many of our men take their own lives. any wonder with that mentality?

EvanCornwallis

eviltwin wrote: »

and then people wonder why so many of our men take their own lives. any wonder with that mentality?

Good point. As you know, these perceptions developed over a long time, are hard to break.

Azwaldo55

It is generally acceptable for men to cry at moments of great tragedy or victory and it is not considered generally acceptable to cry over trivialities which traditionally are left to women and children to worry about. If a man cries it must be rarely and it must be for the right reason.

"Jesus wept" (John 11:35) is one of the most famous quotes from the Bible. Jesus arrives too late after his friend Lazarus has died and weeps for him, weeps at the cruelty of death, weeps because Mary and Martha and those watching about to raise Lazarus from the dead do not understand he is the resurrection and the life and the death and resurrection of Lazarus prefigures his own suffering and death.So when Jesus cries it has profound significance. This is God made man and feeling human emotions.

In the movie Spartacus (1960) the dimple chinned ultra macho muscle bound Spartacus played by Kirk Douglas cries after his comrades in arms choose to die crucified with him. The Roman villain Crassus demands that they give him up or they all will be crucified together. The slave army as one cry out "I am Spartacus!"

At the end of the harrowing Schindler's List (1993) Oskar Schindler who has kept his composure throughout the film as he is moved to save hundreds of Jews from the gas chambers finally breaks as he realizes he could have saved at least one more person if he had sold the gold from his Nazi Party lapel pin. Liam Neeson is a big man and to see his big shoulders heaving with loud sobs is all the more moving.

One of the most effective male display of emotion in cinema history is at the end of The Godfather III when Michael Corleone played by Al Pacino, a cold-hearted Machiavellian mafia prince breaks down and suffers a stroke after his innocent daughter dies by the hand of an assassin.

So for a man to cry there must be a time and a place. An old man can cry when he is the last surviving member of a hurling team and he has lived to see his team win the same title after decades of missed chances. A man can cry when he gives away his youngest daughter at her wedding (the dream of every man is that his youngest most beloved female child will marry) or if she is found dead after being raped and murdered (the greatest fear of any man is that she will suffer such a fate.)

A man does not cry when his father or mother die.
A man does not cry if his girlfriend or wife leaves him or dies.
A man does not cry if he loses his job and is struggling to find work.
A man does not cry when he is dying of an illness.
A man does not cry when he feels frustrated by work or fails an exam or fails to get a promotion.
A man does not cry when there is a romantic movie on the television.
A man does not cry when having sex no matter how beautiful the love making may be.

Well in any case he should do it in private and quietly or else pretend to have something in his eye.

This is a prime example of when a man should cry.