Dating a guy with bipolsr

nayroul

Hi all,

I have recently met a guy online and we really hit it off , we have lots in common, great chemistry and I really enjoy his company as he is a really sweet, caring guy. On our second date he told me he is bipolar, I was initially a little surprised but shrugged it off as no big deal given that he is now on medication. We have been on a few dates since and all seems to be going great.
However in the last few days I have been starting to have concerns about his bipolar condition as I am unsure of what I am letting myself in for. What are the issues that face anyone dating someone with this disorder, if any, perhaps I am making up problems in my head, if I am please let me know.

uck51js9zml2yt

its not the end of the world.

my wife has bipolar. once a person stays on their meds and are regularly monitored they are fine.
i married her knowing the issues and having seen the effects of stopping her meds.
when she went back on them she was fine again in a few weeks.

we now have a healthy 2 Year old.
dont let it scare you off. they are normal people with a medical condition which is controllable.

nayroul

Thank you very much for your advice, I am glad to hear you have had a successful relationship.

I suppose every budding relationship has anxieties and fears and I was already a little anxious meeting someone on-line unsure what to expect. These anxieties were heightened when I went on-line for some more information and one of the first threads I read said run for the hills as people with bipolar are a nightmare to be in relationships with! I suppose there is no point in focusing on the negatives as none of us are perfect and just see where the relationships goes.

Katy89

I would say talk to him about it, bipolar is not bipolar, every prson is an individual and the symptoms vary, some are harder hit, some have milder conditions.

we can't tell you here as we don't know your bf, that's why I suggest talking and asking him in person.
He was already straightforward in telling you that he suffers from this condition, so my guess is he wouldn't mind, and hopefully be honest, if you ask him in more detail about it.

he might even wait for you to ask and be happy to talk about it...

all the best!

Piliger

nayroul wrote: »

Hi all,

I have recently met a guy online and we really hit it off , we have lots in common, great chemistry and I really enjoy his company as he is a really sweet, caring guy. On our second date he told me he is bipolar, I was initially a little surprised but shrugged it off as no big deal given that he is now on medication. We have been on a few dates since and all seems to be going great.
However in the last few days I have been starting to have concerns about his bipolar condition as I am unsure of what I am letting myself in for. What are the issues that face anyone dating someone with this disorder, if any, perhaps I am making up problems in my head, if I am please let me know.

Hi OP. There is no doubt that his condition is an important part of the package that comes with him and can be a very challenging situation for a partner. This condition can bring a lot of behavioural challenges, depending on how severe his condition is and no one here can really know that. It is also a medical issue which is not allowed to be discussed in detail here on this forum.

I suggest you should talk to him about how his condition affects him and what you are likely to experience with him over the course of his cycles. Also you should really research the condition yourself, and maybe reach out inside your family circle to see if anyone there has this condition.

All the best.

Sponge25

To OP: Letting bipolar disorder come between you and a guy you like is kinda shallow! The guy can't help it and he's probably a really nice guy. All it means is sometimes he'll be really happy and sometimes he'll be really down. He just gets ups and downs a bit more extreme than most but he can still be a very good bf. It's not like he's gonna snap and start hitting you or something or turn into a wierdo!

If someone with bipolar disorder snapped cause their gf was moaning or something and hit them it wasn't the bipolar it was their bad personality!

I know from person experience, trust me I have a gf and she's crazy about me and I have mental probs due to my friend dying in a car crash I was in at 18! I feel down alot but we still get on very well and we almost never shout or fight!

I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's not his fault, if ya like him just be with him!

Muir

I have a friend who recently started a relationship with a person who has Bipolar Disorder. It can be difficult, and from what I've heard Bipolar can have an effect on relationships. What my friend did was read up on it online and get as much information on how to deal with it if the partner has a bad episode etc.

Read up on it and talk to him & find out about how it affects him and the ways in which it could affect you if you were to start a proper relationship. I very much disagree with the person above who said it's shallow to let it get in the way. It can be difficult and you need to know you will be able to deal with it, and if you feel you can't that isn't your fault. I say that coming from a place where I have lost partners due to my own mental health problems.

There's nothing to stop you having a great relationship with this guy if you're willing and able to. Research it, talk to him about it, and know what you should do if he has a bad patch etc. I think you'll probably feel more at ease about it once you learn a bit more about it. I hope everything works out for you both!

WhyGoBald

Sponge25 wrote: »

To OP: Letting bipolar disorder come between you and a guy you like is kinda shallow! The guy can't help it and he's probably a really nice guy. All it means is sometimes he'll be really happy and sometimes he'll be really down. He just gets ups and downs a bit more extreme than most but he can still be a very good bf. It's not like he's gonna snap and start hitting you or something or turn into a wierdo!

Where someone has a physical or mental illness, it's really important to go into it armed with the relevant knowledge because it's just a fact of life that divorce can be far more likely when one partner becomes seriously ill. On the other hand it can bring you closer together, but you need to know going into it that the partner affected is doing everything they should be doing to cope properly, and you need to know exactly how serious it is so you know what the challenges will be and how to support them.

L.Jenkins

If you both talk about it and learn to help him manage it, all will be ok. Both my partner and I have bipolar disorder, so we both know how to deal with. Like everything else, it requires communication.

nayroul

Thank you all for your comments.
Firstly I would like to stress that I wasn't posing this question to test whether I should dump this guy because of his condition. I really just want to be prepared for the issues that I could be facing, I fortunately have not been exposed to this condition before & was unsure what to expect. All of your advice has been really helpful, I will try & find out more about the condition myself and chat to him about how it has affected his life & relationships so far as he does seem ok talking about it. As many of you have mentioned communication is key to maintaining a relationship with someone with this condition.

Chazz Michael Michaels

It depends. I have bipolar myself and I'm a guy. Most of my relationships have ended in a disaster of my own making, but mostly because I was not doing enough to prevent my illness overwhelming me. Bottom line is, a person with bipolar must take their medication, visit their psychiatrist regularly and most important of all, they should not drink alcohol or take recreational drugs. Both of these undermine all the meds and doctors in the world.

Sponge25

If the guy takes his meds all the time, is responsible, knows he is ill, doesn't take drugs or drink more than a little bit he's fine.

It's not the poor guys fault he has bipolar, he was honest with you. Just think how much you have to offer a guy and the guy being crazy about you but then dumping you when he found it you had bipolar. That would really hurt me. I have mental probs cause a carcrash my friend died in, and if a girl dumped me cause of it when she really cared about me and just dumped me cause of my illness when I was taking my meds and doing everything right it'd hurt me alot and make me think no girl will ever be with me! But I have a good gf thankfully and we never fight

uck51js9zml2yt

a good thing to do is talk to his family. find out what happens when he has a relapse.

its good to know what might happen.

i spoke to my now wifes family and saw her when she stopped her meds.
it put things back a few months but that was all:D


she sees her phyciatrist regularly, takes her meds, ison the lowest dose possible,and doesnt drink. also gets enough sleep,:D

fungun

you are 100% right to think about this - its not shallow at all. You both need to understand what this means for you, whether that be sometimes you give him a break or him understanding that he owes it to you to keep himself as healthy as he can.

Get a good time, big long chat

LegacyUser

You should be aware that cheating is an associated symptom(?) of mania. I wish someone had told me that. I personally would say run for the hills. Great until it's not. I was very understanding and it made no difference unfortunately.

dyl10

Sponge25 wrote: »

To OP: Letting bipolar disorder come between you and a guy you like is kinda shallow! The guy can't help it and he's probably a really nice guy. All it means is sometimes he'll be really happy and sometimes he'll be really down. He just gets ups and downs a bit more extreme than most but he can still be a very good bf. It's not like he's gonna snap and start hitting you or something or turn into a wierdo!

If someone with bipolar disorder snapped cause their gf was moaning or something and hit them it wasn't the bipolar it was their bad personality!

I know from person experience, trust me I have a gf and she's crazy about me and I have mental probs due to my friend dying in a car crash I was in at 18! I feel down alot but we still get on very well and we almost never shout or fight!

I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's not his fault, if ya like him just be with him!

I'm sorry but I feel this comment should be deleted. It is uninformed and factually incorrect.
Bipolar disorder ranges in effects but can typically include psychosis and delusions.
You don't appear to have a clear understanding of the condition and your first sentence is ironically shallow in itself.

My advice to the OP is to do their best to appraise the situation constantly and to remember, that being in a relationship may mean hardship that other couples do not have to bare. On the other hand, it may be entirely worth it to be with the person (as it is for so many couples affected by bipolar). This is a very individual decision for you.

Chazz Michael Michaels

dyl10 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I feel this comment should be deleted. It is uninformed and factually incorrect.
Bipolar disorder ranges in effects but can typically include psychosis and delusions.
You don't appear to have a clear understanding of the condition and your first sentence is ironically shallow in itself.

I never read that, I completely agree with you.

OP, if you are still there and would like to understand the illness. There is a brilliant two part series by Stephen Fry called "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive", the whole thing is on Youtube, so just search for it. It should show you that Bipolar is not simply being "happy and sad", it goes further than that. The last time I saw a psychiastrist she informed me that the latest view is that it is an energy disorder, meaning that the body/brain cannot regulate the amount of energy the body produces. Thus, a person with bipolar has multiples of the amount of energy a normal person has (mania), or has next to none (depression).

Depression is something most people understand now, because most people get depressed to some degree, say after a weekend of heavy drinking/drugging. But mania is a very tricky one to explain.

The best I can do is to say it's like someone injects a bag of cocaine into you without you knowing. It can be a good type of mania, where you are full of energy, focused, creative, extraverted, confident; it's actually really great (imo), if I could just have this all the time, I would never take medication.

But then it can be too much energy, no focus, delusional (which can be simply thinking your existing skills are off the chart), too extraverted (in peoples faces), over confident (thinking you are amazing, centre of the universe). You make very very poor decisions when you are like this. Destructive ones, both to yourself and others. IMO, this is the most dangerous element of the illness, you end up cheating on someone you truly care about, you will leave your job for no good reason, spend all your money, drink/drug a lot, sometimes get in fights. And when you crash and come out of it, you have to pick up the pieces of what happened. It's almost like someone else ruined your life, but it was you.

In extreme cases, the last example can lead to people thinking they are Jesus/God, or something similar. But note that this is extreme cases.

I would say watch the Stephen Fry videos. The only thing I would note is that he focuses on tragic cases. I would say that the Richard Dreyfuss case is probably the most "normal" one, an example of quitting drink, taking meds and being ok.

OP, feel free to ask me questions here.

Ickle Magoo

Folks,

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function and don't resort to back-seat modding on-thread.

Sponge25, please don't post on this thread again. PI requires that posters offer civil, mature and constructive advice - offering advice on specific and often serious issues with a clear lack of awareness/ degree of knowledge on the topic in-hand is not helpful - and you should be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Chazz Michael Michaels, please also note that requesting posters get into private consul with you is also against the PI charter.

Could all posters please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting in this forum.


Many thanks.


As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

LegacyUser

I would really proceed with caution here OP and take things very slowly before making any kind of commitment at all. I have been in your shoes and got out thankfully but bipolar is such a "black dog" (the way Winston Churchill referred to his condition) that it does mean you are entering a relationship with three parties: You, your boyfriend and Bipolar. You need to do an extensive amount of reading online (and come to terms with the staggering % of relationships that end in divorce) and you also need to ascertain just how controlled his condition is. He may be great now but what about six months ago or a year ago? Remember this is a pitiful condition of extreme highs and lows. The guy I was seeing was the life and soul of the party - engaging, fun, intelligent and then a matter of months after I called a halt to to it was at the DART station with the intention of throwing himself under. If you decide to take this relationsip further then you really need to know what you are letting yourself in for.

xXLaneyXx

HI OP,

I dated and eventually became engaged to a guy with Bipolar but unfortunately it ended in disater. There were alot of highs and alot of lows and it was very hard at times knowing what he was going to do next.

The worst thing was that he drank, and drank too much at times and didnt look after himself properly as in taking his mediation.

Dispite all this he was at most caring and loving and I was happy to marry him. Due to his condition and him not looking affter himself properly he decided that he wasnt capable of being with anyone and out of nowhere finished the relationship much to my devastation.

We still keep in contact here and there but he hasnt been able to have a serious relatioship since but I feel this is more because he doesnt take his med's and continues drinking.

The condition is controllable if the person is willing to stick to what is best for them and not to let the condition take over.

Best of luck OP!

LegacyUser

Hi there OP.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I also have bipolar disorder and yes, it can be a struggle. My advice, like others have mentioned, is to educate yourself about this condition and understand his experience with it. Everyone's experience with it varies, some way more severe/worse than others. bipolar disorder has a spectrum and subcategories within it.

If he is taking care of himself i.e. taking his meds, eating healthily/exercising, aware of his triggers, and trying to avoid copious amounts of stress, knows how to unwind properly without the use of drugs or too much/any alcohol, checkups with his psychiatrist etc., then his likelihood of living a functional life without any/many relapses is pretty high.

I wish you all the best with your situation. And you never know, he could be an amazing boyfriend :-)

On a side note, I'm quite offended by some of the negative posts regarding people with bipolar disorder here. People with bipolar are "people" too, NOT the actual disorder. We do have feelings too and are also deserving of love like anybody else. Yes, we have to work harder at trying to maintain stability and balance in our life. Sorry for the rant!!! :-) I mean well. Obviously a sensitive issue for me, and wish the stigma would disappear...can't even tell my job I have it :-/ xxx

a posse ad esse

Bipolar_Missy wrote: »

Hi there OP.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I also have bipolar disorder and yes, it can be a struggle. My advice, like others have mentioned, is to educate yourself about this condition and understand his experience with it. Everyone's experience with it varies, some way more severe/worse than others. bipolar disorder has a spectrum and subcategories within it.

If he is taking care of himself i.e. taking his meds, eating healthily/exercising, aware of his triggers, and trying to avoid copious amounts of stress, knows how to unwind properly without the use of drugs or too much/any alcohol, checkups with his psychiatrist etc., then his likelihood of living a functional life without any/many relapses is pretty high.

I wish you all the best with your situation. And you never know, he could be an amazing boyfriend :-)

On a side note, I'm quite offended by some of the negative posts regarding people with bipolar disorder here. People with bipolar are "people" too, NOT the actual disorder. We do have feelings too and are also deserving of love like anybody else. Yes, we have to work harder at trying to maintain stability and balance in our life. Sorry for the rant!!! :-) I mean well. Obviously a sensitive issue for me, and wish the stigma would disappear...can't even tell my job I have it :-/ xxx

I agree very much and I am offended too by some of the posts. I am sorry that you have to live your life in secrecy. If people knew you were bi-polar it would definitely change how people perceive those who have it. There are many functioning well adjusted adults with bi-polar. My cousin is one of them. He manages very well and has not had an episode in 20 years. In fact, I did not know he had it until he told me himself. It's his dedication with his treatments and self-care that has probably kept it under control for so many years.

I did go out with someone who has diabetes. I ended it for other reasons. It was not the diabetes itself that was the problem it was his lack of care and basically living in denial. He drinks way too much alcohol which is a no-no, eats very badly and not check his glucose levels like he is supposed to. He was hospitalised often because of it and honestly I couldn't take it anymore. The story would definitely be different if he was taking care of himself and responsibility for his treatment. But I could no longer be around someone who couldn't be bothered and was basically killing himself. Now he is on dialysis and recently had one of his legs amputated.